A pretty good week. If I were a 7-out-of-10 on a scale of good looks, I would be happy with it. But I do have more control over my mood (on a good day) than I do over my looks. I would like to be an 8 or 9 on the mental attitude scale more often. This week was a challenge because of the weather. I was forced to stay in, alone, since Sunday until last night. It was too bad to even attempt the 8 miles to Mother's. Ice, snow, cold. I am ready for more typical Texas weather. (I'm sure the Superbowl people are too.) Usually, I am more than willing to spend time alone and am never lonely, but 5 days cooped up indoors is a little much. I started looking forward to walking half a block to the mail center each afternoon, despite the weather. And the snow was beautiful, it's not that. I think I missed being with Mom, I usually spend so much time with her. But it wasn't all that bad that she was cooped up, because she needed the rest after her hospital stay last week. And the only rest she ever allows herself is forced rest. So here I am at Mom's now. We watched the movie "Babe" (one of my favorites) last night and that cheered me up. For some reason, this Saphris leaves me feeling irritable much of the time. I haven't figured out what to do about that yet, because it isn't my normal disposition. I think maybe it is because one of the side effects is a slight headache, and that's enough to make me irritable.
Hello Miss Donna!
A "7" is very good I think. That is a good stable number. Yeah what is up with all this snow? As I was saying to Lotus Lady...I like snow a little bit...when it falls for the first time in the season but after awhile you want to say enough already! Being cooped inside does make me go bonkers after awhile.
So glad you got to see your mom again. I have that movie, Babe...I will have to rewatch it. I watched Groundhog Day last night...it is considered a classic in my household.
Sorry about the irritability. Maybe write down all the side effects...keep a log. It seems there is no medication without the side effects unfortunately.
You have a good weekend and I look forward to reading your next shareposts!
Well, we had sun yesterday, too, and it got to 34 degrees- Woo-Hoo. We have to enjoy it while it lasts, by Monday it'll be below zero again and we already have had 60+ inches of snow this winter. Please, God, make it stop!
My mood has probably been a 4 or 5 all week and today I'm feeling a little sadder because we're helping my son move out of the house he lost and it looks like his wife won't be moving with him. Life has not been easy for him, yet I see him be the dad to his son that I wish I'd had. The best part of the week was yesterday when we got my grandson for a few hours - and he didn't want to leave! That was a first. He's such a sweetie, I'd like to hug him and never let go.
Hope everyone has a good week-end and can get out and about. This winter HAS to end one of these days!
Hey Judy
I am sorry about your son...it seemed there for awhile that maybe things were working out? As a parent it must be so hard to...see all this but know that the only thing you can do is to keep on loving him and your grandson. And that is a lot. They both will need you more than ever.
I hear you on this snow business. Who can we send a letter of complaint to? :>) Seriously...no more snow. I remember hating snow as a kid because I always had to wait for the bus in the cold snow. And I hate when the pretty pristine snow becomes black gunk on the side of the road. The best time I had in the snow was as a kid...making an igloo with my best friend. I wasn't a very good architect...put too many windows in and there was an avalanche.
I hope you have a good weekend. Please let us know how things go with your son.
The snow meant rearranging appointments for the fourth week in a row. This is a challenge in itself since unstructured time is not one of my better times. My mood has been a low 3 due to several difficult anniversaries over the past two weeks that have represented great losses for me. My greatest challenge was getting through the nights when i felt my lowest and was dealing with suicidal impulses to stop the pain. My greates achievement was being honest with my fairly new doctor about by self destructive impulses. For all the years that i have been in therapy he said something that i have never heard or felt before ( even as a child, a long story). He said the one thing he wanted me to take with me from our session that day was that this was going to be a safe place for me. It may seem ridiculous to some, but for someone who has lived their life to make other people happy so I would be accepted, I am not totally sure what that means for me or how to let that happen. I know I want him to say it to me again because I was so emotional at the time I couldn't respond, but I want to hear it again. I think it felt good but it is hard for me to trust again already. May I ask what "safe place" means to others?
I'm glad you made it through your loss anniversaries...those are tough. For me, a "safe place" was the hospital. I went there over and over because it was a place where I knew I couldn't kill myself and where I didn't have to make any decisions. Not even what to eat or what time the lights went out. And someone was checking on me every 15 minutes. For some people, that would be an intrusion, but for me it was safety.
Thanks Donna. I too, know the hospital after several admissions as a safe place.I guess I just not sure how that transfers to a therapist office, because sometimes I am so upset, or depleted, after therapy, it can be hard to make the hours drive home. Some issues are just deeply emotional to talk about especially with a fairly new doctor, how do you "put everything away" when time is up so you are "safe?
this is a tough one for me. Thank you for your response.
Oh, okay. I see what you mean. There were many times when I left my therapist's office when I did not feel safe. Usually if I had broached a subject with which I felt uncomfortable, like sex abuse. Or feeling controlled by my husband. Or how I felt about my dad's having Alzheimer's. A lot of times, in order to maintain that feeling of safety, I didn't say much. As if holding it in provided a measure of distance from the subject, as paradoxical as that might sound.
One thing a therapist told me, when I was having problems with flashbacks, was to look at the "images" in my mind as if they were on a TV screen. And to tell myself I was holding a remote that controlled how fast or slowly the images played on the screen, and to tell myself that I could even stop the images and turn off the screen whenever I chose. That I could put it away when things got too "close" or too disturbing, then bring it out again when I was feeling more in control. That made me feel better.
I know you aren't particularly talking about abuse...I don't know what your issues are. But I think in depression it is easy at times to get into that mode of feeling like you are thinking the same negative thoughts over and over. Maybe practicing your ability to slow them down or stop them would help...?
My safe place is at my therapists office. It is located in an older home that has been converted to a batch of therapists offices. There is also a relaxation room that is small, has a comfortable chaize chair, some regular comfortable chairs, and this really nice funky rocker type chair that you can just curl up in with its soft pillows. And there are a number of soft pillows. The room is cery calming and the windows look out over a very quaint residential neighborbood. There are a number of relaxation CD's and its a pre-relaxing segment before you begin therapy or you can hang after therapy. I spend about 30-45 minutes listening to the relaxation discs and for the most part always fall asleep and have to be waken up by my therapist.
She always reiterates this place and her office where we meet is my safe place to just be me, not the person I let everyone see, but the real me. Last Thursday night I met with her, but was unable to relax and ended up going for a walk around the neighborhood. See, it was a time when I wasn't crossdressed and I was just hanging in the reception room, and a few therapists were leaving for the night. I felt so self-conscious of myself, like I don't fit in with these professionals. I don't feel self-conscious when I crossdress, but when I'm not dressed. Thats a weird one. See I used to be a professional but my job was eliminated via a selling of the company I worked for. It was one of those feelings that I just have to get out. Went back Friday, used the room, felt good, but when she came and got me, I went into her office and began to vomit. Ran down the stairs, and kept choking, vomiting into the bathroom, went outside and then was finally able to get it under control. The worst part about it was that I was wearing three inch heels and my mascara was running down my face, and the tears were pouring from my eyes. After about 40 minutes I was able to calm down and we then talked for a while. That is my safe place, her office, where I'm the real me. Weird me, but the true me. I think the funniest thing was after I came back from downstairs, she asked "How am I doing?" I said fine, and she said, you're not fine, why don't you just be honest?
Thanks Donna. the remote controll idea is something worth trying. Some of what I am dealing with is abuse, neglect and PTSD.
Rick-- I have never heard of a relaxation room in a group of therapist office. That would be so helpful as I have a hectic hour and a half highway drive home. The problem is I may never want to leave.
I am sorry you were having such a hard time. I am so glad you have someone you can be totally yourself with and that you know who that is, and she knows who that is. I have been so busy trying to be everybody everyone has wanted me to be, I trying to find out who I am.
I guess I hope that's what my therapist means by a safe place, for me to be, or say, or feel however I have to. That will be a very new experience for me.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It has helpme look at being "safe" in another way. Take care. pat
Thanks Donna. the remote controll idea is something worth trying. Some of what I am dealing with is abuse, neglect and PTSD.
Rick-- I have never heard of a relaxation room in a group of therapist office. That would be so helpful as I have a hectic hour and a half highway drive home. The problem is I may never want to leave.
I am sorry you were having such a hard time. I am so glad you have someone you can be totally yourself with and that you know who that is, and she knows who that is. I have been so busy trying to be everybody everyone has wanted me to be, I trying to find out who I am.
I guess I hope that's what my therapist means by a safe place, for me to be, or say, or feel however I have to. That will be a very new experience for me.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It has helpme look at being "safe" in another way. Take care. pat
Hi Nanypat
You have raised an excellent topic of discussion here about what constitutes a "safe place." I am so happy that others have chimed in with their experiences and thoughts. I too was abused and the words "safe place" is very emotional for me as well. It is very hard to know what that means if you have never felt it before. It sounds like you have a good therapist who is really trying to make the therapy session a place where you feel comfortable to be vulnerable. This is what I take it to mean...that you can say things there that you might not be able to discuss elsewhere and you will not be judged...but accepted and helped.
Please do keep talking about your experiences. You are helping others just by telling your story. Thank you for sharing.
well,on a scale of 1 -10 ,i would give myself 2,i did so many wrong things ,on friday i ate more than i can and i dont knw,i spent money only on food when i knwthat i have to b on a diet ,i used to go to walk during morning and i didnt go at all.too lazy or may b depressed with everything ,not wanting to do any effort ,i did not takeanything seriously ,just eat and sleep and re-eat and go to sleep,so even a 2 is too more ,it should have been -2
For me it was a week of finding some direction. I decided to stay with the MBA program that I was contemplating taking a rest from last week. I applied to the University I currently attend and am going to get or become certified as an addictions counselor. I may also opt for Psychology. My entire life I have been driven in the business realm, but I realized that I'm not passionate about management or marketing, as marketing to me is all about persuading people to buy something they really don't need. I need to feel I'm making a difference, For the past few weeks my therapist has brought up the subject of saying I would make a great therapist. I've always had the desire to help people, especially those who are experiencing depression, anxiety, and even addictions. I've experienced all of them, and you can add transgenderism/CDing. I always thought therapists were people who have no issues, have it all together, and are perfect. That is why I never thought I was worthy. What compunds my issues is that all my family are MD's, CFO, Company President, Attorney, my wife the executive, and I'm learning I am a freak, but not really. But this week in therapy gave me some hope, and I'm going to follow this instinct for once in my life. If I didn't vomit everyday this week, I would say it was positive, an 8.
Hi Donna
Great way to reframe a negative thought. If you want to get another degree, I would have to say, just do it, for no one else but yourself. For me it will be my 4th degree. When I say I'm learning I'm a freak I refer to my cding issue. While it shouldn't be an issue, for me it is. Maybe in some small way my oddness has always kept me interested in Psychology, only now I am going to follow something that I truly want, just for me. I think there will be nothing greater than to help someone else. Its like this forum, its great to know you're not alone.
Now, go to the university website, and follow your dreams........and make them your reality.
Hi Rick
I say to follow your dreams...you are not living for anyone else...you have to live for you and what makes you happy. If being an addictions counselor would make you happy...I say go for it. Quite often the folks who have been through therapy make good counselors because they understand the process. This is the time to get emotionally healthy so that you can then use this experience to...help others.
Two areas of information we don't have much about on this site are addictions and also transgenderism. Perhaps these would be good topics to explore in the future? What do you think?
Thank you for sharing as you do. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Thanks for your insight and encouraging words. And yes I would welcome the opportunity to share what I know of addictions and transgenderism. When I first shared the crossdressing issue I thought I might get the eeewwwww, a weird person just wrote something bizarre. But that wasn't what has occurred, and that is a relief to me. Its never been brought up in normal conversation with those other than the therapist(s) that I'm currently working with, who are all women. To them its just something "normal," though I still have a difficult time accepting it. Though its always been there, it seemed just out of view.
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Living in New England: the temperature got up to 30 degrees
yesterday...and it did not snow!
For all the folks that never knew what was said to them as
children.."You do not know what a real New England winter'
is like." Guess what we all know now.
Namaste
Lotus Lady
Hiyah Lotus Lady!
It is very good to see you. This has been a wild winter...and who knows what will happen next. We have two more months of this stuff. Yikes. I will be very happy to see spring. Not much of a snow person myself but it can be pretty.
Stay warm!
Thanks so much for stopping by. I always love to hear from you.