I had a female therapist whose husband was one of her work associates. They shared adjoining offices, so it was not uncommon for me to see him in passing, and my therapist often referred to him in the course of my therapy. So I knew things about him...probably more than I should have. Anyway, I developed a fantasy life centered around him, I suppose competing for him with my therapist, in my mind. But I never told either one of them. I don't think my therapist had any idea what I was thinking, and I'm sure he didn't even know my name. But I think if I had had the guts to mention it to my therapist, it might have helped our work. We could have had an honest discussion about why this was happening and how best to handle it. And I think if I went back to her now, I could tell her because it is something in the past and not embarrassingly in the present. And it might even be funny now.
This is a good topic, Merely Me. This hasn't happened to me (falling in love with a therapist), but there are some other ways that boundaries can be violated. For example, a previous therapist of mine would take personal phone calls while I was there once in a while, which felt so disrespectful, sort of like I wasn't worth the time I was paying for! I think it can be a fine line between keeping a professional boundary and keeping off a pedestal. Personally, I am very conscious of not wanting to violate others' boundaries and so sometimes I might appear as if I don't care. Like the hug thing - your therapist should have asked your permission first. For me, I'm more worried about intruding on my therapist than the other way around! Once in a great while we exchange hugs, but I know others who do it as a matter of course - it's whatever you're comfortable with. My therapist will talk about something personal if it happens to be relevant to what I'm working on and I'm fine with that because it's not done with a feeling that I need to take care of her or anything like that. That's something my mother does and I know I would have a hard time with that. But my therapist has allowed me to know her as a person, which has been very healing.
I think that crossing those professional boundaries can be very damaging for a client because therapy is supposed to be a place of total safety, where the therapist has no personal agendas. When that line is crossed, then you're worrying about those agendas or trying to please him/her and it's not helpful at all. My previous therapist, I think, had a real problem with depression in general - I mean MY depression - and would often say things that were judgmental and made me feel worse than I already did. Yet, I gave her so much power over me because she was my lifeboat at the time - that's exactly why a therapist has to keep those boundaries.
It will be interesting to see what other people say about this.
Judy
That's an interesting point you made about a therapist crossing the line. By so willingly giving so much trust the patient does bestow a lot of power to the therapist. It can be difficult to question the therapist - we want to believe that whatever he says is to help us and realizing that something isn't quite right in the relationship can cause a lot of confusion for the patient.
Tom
How could you not fall in love with your therapist? This is a woman who I'm trusting with my emotional stability. My first PHD. when I saw her it was as though I was having an affair with her, though I was the only participant. I would go to her office, and never wear the same clothes, always something new. I would have great stories to tell, I cried with her, and I always hoped she would come over to me, hold me, and then we would have this passionate wild time. Only in my dreams. She took another position and the new therapist, well in talking to her felt as though I trying to get her to buy some aluminum siding. She didn't seem authentically interested. She would only see me every few weeks and then she had a baby, and I stopped going.
Found my current therapist, an attractive woman, but this time I knew she was married. For the most part months went by and I didn't have the out of control crazy love for her. I was however not letting her into to the real me. Then it happened, last month I couldn't control my emotions, and as she said, "you finally let me in." Then I began having very emotional sessions with her where I was crying uncontrollably, or vomiting. All I wanted her to do was hold me. During one of these times she said, 'can I give you a hug," and I said no, while I was crying hysterically. I knew I wanted her too, but I was/am embarrassed when I can't control how I feel. So did I fall in love with her? No but I would if I could, though she wouldn't with me. I saw a photo of her and her husband. I wouldn't have a chance even with millions of dollars. She is a very important person in my life at the moment. What I am feeling or experiencing is transference. I'm in love with the fact that she is helping me, where others have failed. For this she will always be special in my psyche. 
This is a really tough one for me. I was with my pyschiatrist/therapist for 20+ years before he lost his license( for reasons I do not know). I suffered from depression so severe, I was virtually non-verbal. He became my lifeline. He is the reason I am still alive. Did I fall in love with him? No,absolutely not. Did/do I love him as a person?Absolutely. He was the only person who ever offered me any consistency in my life. The only person who was ever there for me, or bothered to try and figure out what my life had been like and how I could change it for the better. I think at times he played the role of "re-parenting " me, befriending me, doctoring me and therapizing me. Everything wasn't perfect.I fell into my pattern of not wanting to disappoint him when the depression would get bad again, and we had probably been together to long and progressed as far as we could at that point so sometimes things happen for strange reasons. But I do love him, and he has said he has come to love me.
I no longer see him, but there will always be a special place in my heart for him. Be it right or wrong or good or bad, I am a healthier person because he was in my life.
I am now working with a new doc/therapist who is aware of my tendency of not wanting to disappoint, and also knows of the previous work and previous doc.This has help seeing there was no termination time and needless to say I was devastated.
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Hi MM and all,
I tend to "fall" in love with any good looking woman therapist I have. But then that is true for any
good looking woman I have an ongoing non-erotic relationship with (English). But a romantic relationship
is another idea. I love those who have an adult to adult playing field, but not in a romantic, nor erotic way.
I think I love the clarity of thought and expression that we share, and that is attracting and therapeutic in
itself for me. I have never gone to the point of having genuinely prurient interest in a therapist. I hope that
says something you are looking for, and hopefully not too much.
Ric