Hi, Merely Me.  This is a really good article.  By the way, for some reason, today I'm not receiving notifcations of postings I've subscribed to or of responses made to my comments.  I guess nobody cares!!

Now it is your turn to tell us what you think. Have you ever used the phrase, "Nobody cares"? What did you mean by it? How did it feel when you said it? Did you believe your words? What turned it around? Was there a point for any of you when you realized that people do care? Share with us. We want to hear from you.

I know I've thought that nobody cares, mostly in relation to my family and friends and probably in terms of them not "getting" me.  Having that idea in my head makes me feel even more depressed.  Maybe I've even thought of it as nobody caring enough meaning, I know they do care, but not enough to want to know what's going on with me.

I've been in some long-term therapy groups which are difficult for me, but in time, I've discovered that other members have cared because of the feedback I got from them.  Another time it was a teacher who said she still cared about me, even when I screwed up.  It's always amazing to me when I get that realization, even from my therapist.  Sometimes a person doesn't have to say anything, but I can sense that they are there.  Likewise, sometimes I can't find the words to tell someone else I care, but I hope they can sense my presence and attention.  I think that it's especially important for people who have been deprived of important connections in childhood to be able to experience that sense of caring from another, even if they don't think they deserve it, which is certainly how I've felt most of the time.

One reason I've stayed with the same therapist for so long is that, even though there are times she doesn't "get" me, she eventually realizes it and then works at changing it, even if it means consulting someone or learning new techniques.  I've always been blown away by the fact that she would go that extra mile just to understand.  Yet, that's so crucial because if I'm not in a good place and I feel like she doesn't understand me, either, it's a very hopeless feeling.  It's kind of like, "I can't even PAY somebody to care."  And really, you can't.  That's why it's worth the effort to keep trying until you find the right person, if you're thinking about therapy.  And while you need the "right" person, you also have to realize that they're human and are going to make mistakes, but should be willing to talk about them with you.  That type of situation just happened to me last week - I'd been feeling like she didn't understand and I couldn't verbalize it enough, yet she figured out that she was missing something and brought it up.  The relief was indescribable.

I believe that one thing that may keep us from believing anyone cares is that we have a deep sense of shame about who we are, what we believe about ourselves, and figure that certainly, nobody else could care because we're not worth the work.  That's definitely depression talking.  I might have mentioned this before, but there's an old book titled "Shame:  The Power of Caring" by Gershin Kaufman (not totally sure of the spelling) but I remember reading it and feeling so moved.  He talks about human connection and caring as being the bridge out of shame and isolation.  I heard him speak one evening and it was an amazing experience.

Well, I've gone on long enough, but I do think this is a pretty common feeling among depressed people.  It serves many purposes, one of which might be blaming how awful we feel on everyone else because they don't care.  Which helps not at all, but it can keep us from taking the action we need to take to help ourselves.

Merely Me, Health Guide

3/ 8/11 4:13pm

Before I comment on your wonderful insights and observations I had to laugh about the notifications problem.  Uh yeah...that is an issue where I am hoping that caring will lead to fixing the issue.  Having a working site is kinda critical to our community...just saying.

 

I think you are right Judy...most everyone who suffers from depression has surely uttered these words that nobody cares or else they have thought them.  Sometimes it is a based on a feeling of...who could possibly care about me?  to...wanting and expecting more from people who might not be able to give it. 

 

I am glad things worked out with your therapist.  It can be so frustrating to feel...misunderstood.

 

That book sounds fabulous.  I will definitely have to look for it.

 

Thanks so much for your comment.  I am glad we can talk about this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I have felt that nobody cares. My family is not very good at supporting one another, and often even seem to compete as to who has it worse. Over time I've learnt just to accept that and know I won't get what I want from them. Every now and then they reach out, because I am so distant I guess, and ask if I'm ok. That should make me feel cared about, I know, and I guess in a way I am, but they aren't capable of giving me what I need so I tend to just shrug them off.

On the friends front I spent a lot of my childhood and teenage years being bullied and played around and standing on the outside. When you're watching all the other kids play it's easy to believe no one cares - especially at a young age where the school yard is like your whole world. Over the last few years I've had a couple of friends stand up and stick around though. They offer to listen, and I do tell them some things, but I'm forever guaging responses, looking for the point in which I have to shut up. Sometimes I go too far - I see the fear and how they have no idea how to handle my issues. I then backpeddle fast with reassurances that are often lies, working to help them out instead of them helping me. But I guess their concern and fear shows that they care in the same way that they keep coming back, even after I have scared them, and are still around.

So, yeah, I guess people do care about me now. It's not the same though as having the support you might want. I think that's the thing you really have to take into account. Sometimes you have to accept the best a person can give, even if it is far below what you need. After all something is better than nothing.

Merely Me, Health Guide

3/ 8/11 4:22pm

Hi Lyra

 

People can be disappointing in their responses.  It must be painful when the care you expect doesn't come.  You are right though...people are human.  Sometimes they just don't know what to do.

 

What would you like as far as someone showing their care for you?  What reaction or response would you want when you try to tell them things?  Sometimes it is good to figure out how you would define the term, caring.

 

I am happy to see you here.  Seems like it has been awhile.  Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

It is so generous when someone says, "I care," and really means it.  Someone who is ready to listen and respond and even give their own take on things and relate their own experience.  Lyra's comment regarding the family competition for "who has things worst" is right-on.  So I have to be careful to be generous with my own "I care's." And not always tell my story first.

When I was suicidal, I really did feel no one cared, but someone close really cared a lot -- enough to listen to my daily rants and he even saved my life a couple of times.  At the time, I didn't know he had gone through the same thing himself.  I felt my family didn't understand; and they didn't.  Or at least not the message I thought I was sending: I need help.  My parents' response was to grow frustrated with my acting out and saying there was nothing else they could do.  I needed to explain that I was having trouble even taking a bath and dressing myself, having trouble driving to work and staying awake on heavy-duty meds, trouble dealing with financial problems that were a result of divorce.

I guess I really felt no one cared when my husband rejected me.  But now I see I was keeping everything to myself.  He didn't "get" what was going on because all he could see was me deteriorating on the outside.  I felt no one realized how much I was struggling just to live, much less take on all the trials of daily life.

Only later did I open up to my mother to the point where she began to understand depression and how it had affected me.  I told her about the abuse in marriage.  I told her about searching the house and attic for a gun and ammo do to away with myself.  I felt, for some reason, like I needed to take her to the edge with me, which I doubt I needed to do for her to understand.  But it was cathartic and resulted in our growing closer.  She even opened up to me about her own dark times.

Now, I have 3 girlfriends with whom I can talk about anything, and they truly care.  We call each other fairly often and go out to eat regularly, one-on-one, and I care very much for them and try to let them know it with cards, notes of encouragement, photos of their loved ones, and little mementos of our times together.

Merely Me, Health Guide

3/ 8/11 4:31pm

Hi Donna

 

Isn't it something?  We look back and we see...yes people did care...we didn't even know how much. 

 

I am glad that you were able to take your mother there with you to those dark times...and it seems she understood...she got it and was even able to talk about some of her own struggles.  I love it when you talk about the relationship you have with your mom...I have never had that from a parent and...it is just nice to hear and know it exists.

 

Friends are so important...in some cases friends become like a family.  You are rich in friendships.  Three good friends...that is really special.

 

Thanks for talking about your experiences...it is much appreciated.