I'm not so sure that I look at this as a battle much any more. Sometimes, for me, it's a matter of accepting where I am at the moment and deciding if I want to stay there for a while, or trying to swim up to the top. The concept of fighting it all the time sounds exhausting! I know it feels that way for most people but until you asked the question, I didn't realize that I don't look at it that way any more. I figure I'm doing what I can, taking care of myself and it seems to be like "going with the flow" more than anything else. I try to figure out what might have triggered it and sometimes just knowing what it is helps. I don't know if I'll ever feel "recovered from" it, but "living with" it is a pretty good description. Don't know if this makes sense to anyone else.
Brings to mind Dylan Thomas' "Rage, rage against the dying of the light." In his poem he is speaking of death, but I will say depression is too the death of one's spirit, joy, and even meagerest of desires... depression is the death of what makes life. And for some, it leads to actual death by their own hand. It is a battle. It is a battle for me for sure. Find the strength to make a fist and "Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
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hi MM
Im not doing very good
How do I deal with therapy thats supposed to help but terrifies me?
They want me to go to a more intensive therapy
I am trying to find a way to deal with it
Im afraid I'll go back to the inpatient unit if I do the therapy
I guess im not doing enough
Jon
Jon, I wouldn't assume that you're not doing enough - you're doing the best you can. The fact that they want to do more intensive therapy with you probably means that they think you are strong enough for it; if you don't agree with that, you need to tell them and have a discussion about why they think you should do this now. Sometimes, though, therapy can be painful during the process, but can bring great relief on the other side. Your therapist/doctor should be having your best interests in mind when planning your treatment, but they need to hear from you, too. I guess I'm saying, it's okay to be afraid - fear won't destroy you, but facing those fears can be very helpful and I hope you can take advantage of the opportunity. You've said a few times how you thought you weren't getting anywhere - which is not your fault, by the way - and maybe now they're going to try a new approach. It doesn't mean you'll end up in the hospital, but maybe you'll need to lean on your mental health providers a little more.
I don't mean to diminish your woes, I've had one of the darkest couple of months of my life this year. But I cannot stress enough the importance of exercise. Even if it's just walking around the block. Move, move, move. It is not a cure all, but does make me feel somewhat better and my mind clearer.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I've been there, friend.