Yesterday my son called and wanted me to pick him up and go to the mall = he's 17yr!!! I woke up that morning angry, then unbearable sadness, everything was negative and awful and I couldn't shake it. We went to church. I didn't want to smile or talk to anyone. Every little thing was blown out of proportion. It's like I know I'm wrong feeling this way. There was a part of me, a little voice trying to say it's ok, but the louder, awful negative one is the only one I listened too, and had no control over. When we got home that's when my17yr called,,, I was in such an awful way that I couldn't be with him.. I don't get to see him everyday. There will be weeks til I see him or his older brother.. It's like I wanted to but something was in the way. I cried thinking what an awful mother I am.. Thinking of the past and if I am any smarter. I think of it now reasonably but then it was like the end of the world.. Later I thought of talking to my son about my depression. What a coincidence that this is the subject of a post. My son can be alot like my ex, (his father), so I'm still debating of how to go about it.. I know his father has told him some negative things about me and "how I am",,"that there was no reason for "it", "I should just snap out of it"!! I was abused as a child and grew up feeling inferior. I still feel this way.,.- sometimes. I guess I have to just explain my side and let them decide for themselves..
My thoughts are with you and I am sending you best wishes and strength for your upcoming trip home to visit your family. I know exactly how difficult this is for you. You need to remember to not get wrapped up in things while you are there. It is more painful and upsetting for you if you get deeply involved. Remember to get plenty of rest. And ensure your family members get plenty of rest too. They will be nervous as well. It is easier to handle the stress/pressure if you are rested and more able to protect yourself. Plan some fun events will your family and your son. If you plan the time there, you can control your time there and have fun activities to look forward to and that will be fun for your son too. Plan some time for yourself after you return home from your visit to see your family. This will help you mentally heal and recover from the roller coaster. Be understanding and kind to yourself and your family. Things can't always be controlled or helped. They just happen. This is not your fault. Try to see the positive in everything. I know this is very, very difficult at times but try. Have fun. The more fun you have, the more relaxed your son will be and he will have fun too.
I to, struggle with this when I go to visit my family/were I grew up. My father was a severe alcoholic and my mother struggles with severe depression and struggles with paranoia. My parents are both still alive. They are both hoarders. My mother also has night terrors and hurts herself/breaks things. Going to visit is an emotional roller coaster for me. I worry about and even have nightmares about going for about a month before my trip. And it takes me a long time to recover from the trip. I went for a visit this last November and it took me months to recover.
I hope our trip goes much better than my last trip. I know it will. My last trip was for my fathers open heart surgery. That is never fun. Good luck. Travel safe and take care MM.
You are so dear...and so sweet Rena.
Thank you for all your support and wonderful suggestions. I do plan to have lots of fun there. I think it will go fine...I have to remember the serenity prayer...there are just some things I will have no control over.
How are you doing? I would love to hear more about what is going on in your life.
And yes...I absolutely will give you an update about how it went....I go the second week of May. Ahhh...that is soon!
I have written before about the bipolar disorder I battle with most days. I realized my mother "wasn't right" when we were living together and I was in my teens. My two sisters had moved out after many fierce arguments with our mother. My dad left when I was 6 and I blamed myself, feeling that I wasn't good enough to be loved by him. My mother was always over protective to the point that we weren't allowed to stay out with friends. We could bring them over, but I was too embarassed from all her "fusssing". She would drink heavily after work and that made her difficult to communicate with so I stayed away. I felt she was so insecure when she would ask me if I though she was pretty. Since she has never been diagnosed and is in her 90's I'm not sure how extensive her mental illness is. Someone in our family must have had bipolar, because there's a family link there. I am not familiar with most of my relatives, my mother never wanted to associate with any of them.
I have bipolar, ADD/ADHD, Asperger's syndrome and several othe mental health issues. My husband has cerebral palsy and epilepsy. We do extremely well considering all the peoblems. The most difficult thing I have to deal with are family on both sides of our marriage. Many times, it seems like I get blamed my all the problems I have caused and the humiliation of the lack of understanding on their part and not wanting to being associated with me becuse of the problems. Sometimes it is really hard for me to understand why they can't be bothered to even give me a call just to see how I am. I'm not even sure there is anything I can say and/or do to gain their acceptance.
I am so, so sorry you have trouble with family and friends not accepting you and your partner with you issues. It is often easier for people to ignore/withdraw from things they find uncomfortable or they don't understand. This type of thing happens when there is a death. People don't know what to say to someone who has had a loss so they simply avoid the person who experienced a loss.
Maybe you could (with understanding of others discomfort) approach them and just show them that you are a real person and just like everyone else. Show them what a great person you are. Make them comfortable with you, your partner and your conditions.
Take care of you!
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Forgiveness is not the same as trust. I can forgive my father for his rages and battles with prescription painkillers, but I never got to the point where I could trust him. Although I did feel sorry for him. Sorry he didn't make a better life for himself. He believed that mental illness was "psychosomatic" and therefore not "real." Medications he was given that might have really helped, he refused to take when he learned they were mood stabilizers. I know he suffered from depression; that much was obvious. He would sit in a dazed funk in his recliner, doped up on pills (which he deemed okay because they were prescribed by a doctor.) Usually falling asleep. He never took a real part in raising us except to be the hand of punishment and the voice of disapproval. My mother excused his excesses by saying that his parents were responsible. They were negative so he was negative. I don't buy that. We are each responsible for how we respond to life. His dad had paranoid schizophrenia, so I know what that is like from a distance. My grandfather was a strange man, sitting hunched over his space heater all year long, no matter the season. He was mean, vindictive, and actively psychotic. He sought to belittle my father and even questioned his reason for being. He constantly voiced suspicion that my grandmother was having an affair, even in her 70's. She was a kindly, cowed woman who had lived a hard life. Toward the end, he would roam the neighborhood, peeking in people's garages and windows, trying to catch her with another man. Eventually, when he attacked her, he had to be locked up in a mental hospital in a "safe room" where he was placed in a straightjacket and restrained for attacking the nurses. He died there of pneumonia from being tied down for so long. They gave him ECT but it didn't help. I, too, blanched when I saw the ECT scene from "A Beautiful Mind." My mother had to look away. I told her it wasn't like that when I had it done, but it probably was when my grandfather underwent the treatments.
Merely Me, did you wonder if you would inherit your mother's schizophrenia? I did inherit my grandfather's schizophrenia and my dad's depression, although since I am willing to take the medication, I am doing okay. I tried to stay as far as possible away from my dad and his dad. Their moods were scary and unpredictable and violent. Shortly before my dad died of Alzheimer's he was also diagnosed with schizophrenia, although I kind of doubt the diagnosis. I think it was just dementia from the Alzheimer's and from undergoing traumatic surgery and infection afterwards. The anesthesia separated him from what was left of a tenuous connection with reality. He became paranoid and delusional.
Sometimes, I wonder what a "normal" childhood is and if anyone really has one. Every family seems to be plagued by at least one dysfunctional, perhaps even mentally ill, family member or relative. It makes me sad to think about it. I wanted my dad to have happiness just once, but I never saw it happen. He never saw it happen in his father either.
Wow...so much to respond to.
I am sorry Donna...sorry for your dad...your grandfather...and that you never got to see these people in your life...happy. I am amazed at all that you have endured so much with your family and schizophrenia too and you are so centered and...whole. I think others in your situation might have broken down.
To answer your question...yes I was afraid growing up that I would have schizophrenia but it never happened. There is a strong genetic link in my family as my mother's two sisters also had it.
I feel sad for my mother because...she had a gift of art...she even won a scholarship to college for her talents. But she never got to go. Sometimes I got glimpses of who she could have been if not for her mental illness and I feel cheated. I do feel fortunate that I did see my mother feel happy...she takes delight in little things...and she really tried to be a good mother...there were just too many odds against her.
It is my belief now that we were both victims of her mental illness.
Thank you so much Donna for all that you share here. You are a very exceptional person...very special. Not only for what you have been through but for your kindness and compassion.