Hi, MM. I can see myself in several of these personalities, probably more so in Victim, Stoic and Intellectual - but I've gotten better! The reason I probably got help in the first place was because I felt like I was falling apart and I didn't feel that would be allowed by my job or any of my family, immediate or original. Probably some of the guilt you were talking about. I wanted to take care of it in private, not have anyone know I was taking medication or in therapy. Now, I pretty much don't care, except for my family of origin. They run the gamut from blamers to controllers and the other three I see in myself. None of them have gotten help and I don't expect they ever will. This makes it hard to be around them because I can see what's going on, knowing it is pointless to say anything.
This is one reason I believe in reincarnation - people who live their lives so blindly should get another chance at it!
Me too Judy.
As I wrote this...I could see myself mainly in the stoic person. I remember I had one person actually ask me why I don't cry more...because if they were in my situation they would cry a lot. I have had acquaintances say that I am so calm and collected for the things I am dealing with (MS for me and autism for my youngest son) and I have to laugh because...it is just my exterior. Inside I am battling a ton of emotions. In therapy it took me forever to cry and show pain despite the fact that I was talking about very traumatic experiences. I have come to realize that real strength is not this covering up...it is allowing oneself to be vulnerable and to feel things in depth and to share those feelings with trusted individuals. And I do struggle with feeling guilty for being depressed when there are people who need and depend upon me. I once told a therapist....I don't have the luxury of being depressed. And he told me...too bad...because I was depressed. It wasn't something I could choose or not choose.
In some ways we have had some similar things to deal with from our past and for us...we had to be the rational and responsible people in our family. It is a huge weight and sometimes you just want to say...who is going to take care of me? But then you feel guilty because...we have always been the caretakers. Sound familiar?
Thanks for sharing Judy. I can very much relate to all you are saying.
Hi MerelyMe
I was the same way. I told my psychologist that I couldnt let myself be depressed because I had 3 children to take care and I was to busy to deal with it. He told me that whether I dealt with it or not I was going to be depressed. If I chose to take the steps to get better I could be happier mom for my kids and I wouldnt be dragging through the day, but the only person who could make that decision was me.
Although there are time when I have probably had a little of all of these, probably Intellectual is at the top. I love to do research and debate treatment options. I guess it makes me feel like I am doing something constructive toward taking care of the problem. But I would also like to creat a different category for myself: The Fighter. I have fought depression every step of the way, always sure that recovery was just around the corner. As Churhill said, "Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." And this doesn't mean there haven't been times when I wanted (and tried) to throw in the towel. But I always got up fighting.
Hi Donna
Yes absolutely you are a fighter. You are always trying to achieve your goals and you do a great job of it. It must take tremendous energy to do all that you do.
I think everyone who has depression must take on the role of a fighter at some point. What comes easy for other people...we really have to work at things...even just getting out of bed sometimes. Depression...to me is like carrying around this huge weight...it makes everything so much more difficult.
Thanks for sharing Donna. Always good to hear from you!
Another reason why fighting can be such a challenge is that so often, the medications that are now being used to treat depression are so enervating. They too often sap my energy, my focus, my desire to do much of anything except read or watch TV. On this new medication, Latuda, I am definitely less active in every way. I don't want to get out and be with people as much, either. But whether this is from social anxiety returning or whether just general fatigue, I don't know. But it is easy to blame medication -- I feel I am ultimately responsible for how I face each day and what I manage to get done. I had to go and do Mom's and my laundry this morning and I had to lie down and rest three times after returning from the laundromat. Now, I feel tired just thinking about doing things. Reminds me of being on Zyprexa, although not to nearly the same degree. The funny things about medication is while I take thyroid, blood pressure and GERD medication every day, they have made absolutely no difference in my energy level. But each time I mess with the antipsychotics and antidepressants, there is usually a definite upswing or downswing in actiity. Yet I know I will relapse almost immediately if I don't take them. What's a girl to do?
I must say the one that sounds most like me is the stoic. In my case I think a part of it stemmed from the fact that my older brother has a disability and I ended up 'playing' the oldest child role, and I have a much younger brother to protect, plus I find my mother can be childish and my father distant, and there were no other friends or family to turn to... so I had to soldier on. I was terrified of being considered weak and unable to cope - things only coming out when I was too overwhelmed for far too long and fell completely apart.
I also have traits of the intellectual, though I'm not sure if that came about as a defence mechanism type thing, trying to rationalise things away, because I am naturally a rather emotional person (though I used to hate that fact and deny it cause I thought being emotional was weak - stoic again!). And the controlling rings a few home truths - I got a bit compulsive with a few things in life I could control in order to make myself feel better for all the things that I couldn't. And, though I hate to admit this last one, there are some parts of me I see in the 'victim' - I do so hate that word though. Still I see it and must admit to it... parts of it anyway, like I said I fit best with the stoic personality.
As for family and friends... as soon as I read the 'blamer' wow that rings true to 2 men in my life. Two friends who wanted to be boyfriends and I was against it because they very much were angry people who blamed everyone else and got passive aggressive, etc etc. I must admit I have a low tolerance for that personality type especially, and feel it is how we depressed people get a bad name, because they refuse to face up to their own responsibility in things and that disgusts me... but perhaps that is because one of my faults is being too hard on myself and always feeling I'm responsible, etc. Something that I am working on.
Hi Lyra
I would like to hear more about your brother with a disability. Are you taking care of him?
Isn't it interesting...most of us can see ourselves in many of these personalities and we can see other people in our life in the Blamer. I can most relate to the stoic and intellectual but also the victim. My therapist would often remind me that what was true for me as a child is no longer the case for me as an adult. It is difficult to understand the power you do have as an adult when you had never experienced it as a child. We may not think we have choices but we do. They just may not always be the choices we like.
I am glad you are able to share how you feel here. And now you have a boyfriend to share with too. It must feel very liberating. You have probably had to bottle a lot of things up within your family.
Thanks for sharing!
Hi Merely Me,
My older brother's disability is rather mild really. He suffers from kleinfelters and it affects the way he learns, but it also gives him a bit more a childish disposition than most. I do not need to care for him, no, he just isn't the type of person you get help from - you need to help him at times for life can be too complicated for him to understand. But perhaps I was a bit misleading when I said he has a disability for it makes it sound worse than it is.
I would call myself an intellectual stoic. I always like to read up on everything I can about my condition. I don't know if it really helps but it makes me feel better to understand what I'm going through from an educational standpoint. I am very much a stoic because I do keep everything in and keep it together no matter how much I am falling apart inside. I have to be at a breaking point to ever open up about my feelings.
I guess everyone can relate to at least one of these categories.
It seems many of us can relate to these two types of personalities the most. When my son was diagnosed with autism...that is all I did was research and talk to other parents. It consumed me and I lost myself in the process. I didn't even realize how depressed I was as I was so involved in my "mission." Then when I got diagnosed with MS...I was on that same track to go bonkers with all the research and I stopped myself and I am just trying to live a normal life (whatever that is) and cope with my emotions. The act of researching too much can hide the feelings.
I really appreciate your comment. It seems many of us here are very similar in personality and in how we deal with our depression.
These all compare to me but the 2 that stand out the most is stoic and blamer.
I hid my depression for so long, i felt lik i couldnt tell anyone i was depressed because i that would make me weak. That guys werent allowed to show their feelings because that wasnt "Manly"...I would smile all day making everyones day except my own, i would cry so much on my own. Its weird because im the youngest in the family.
Blamer, i have a temper and tend to take it out on people that i think caused my problems. I would blame people at different times and would be aggressive towards them. I didnt notice it untill i went to counseling and began to take meds. Its not the person i am but i was like that.
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hi
I was the victim
I tried to be friends with a controller
It was a very trying situation
I didnt get out of the situation fast
I let myself get worse
only when I finally got out did I feel better
I still have a long way to go
But its getting better
Jon
Hi Jon
I am glad you did get out of such a situation. Was this a long time ago?
How are you feeling today? It is good to see you writing so much on the site. We are glad you are here.
Thank you for your comment!
hi MM
Well its been about 12 or 13 years
I had a breakdown shortly afer that
Im feeling tired after my shopping trip
Jon