Hey, I just want to say to Donna, too, that I think it's totally normal to feel stressed out by the impending move into your mother's home and becoming her caretaker. I don't think I could do it, honestly. You are a very unselfish person, even if you sometimes feel resentful - still, you do it. You've taken on a lot without much help from your siblings. You are giving up a lot. I hope you'll check out whatever other help you can get - your mother may have her own ideas about what she wants, but it's YOUR life, too. You can't take care of her if you aren't nurtured yourself. You've worked so hard to heal yourself - you have a lot to be proud of.
Merely Me, thanks for sharing your experience of living with your mother. I feel sad that you had to pretty much fend for yourself at a young age. Like you said, it was nobody's fault but still, it hurts just the same. It must feel good to be able to provide a stable life for your own kids, challenging as it can be at times.
I agree with you Judy. Anyone who takes on such a challenge is going to feel some stress...it is guaranteed. Caretaking is one of the hardest jobs in the world. It is normal to have these types of feelings.
And thanks Judy for what you say here...yes you are so right...it does feel good to be able to give my kids some of the things I did not get when I was young. Despite my mother's mental illness she did and does love me. This is one thing I can pass along to my children as well.
Great to see you Judy. Hope we hear back from Donna.
MM, thanks so much for sharing. Our childhoods affect who we are and what we believe. I am sorry that you had to grow up so fast and struggle to learn what beliefs you carried from childhood were correct and which you had to repair/relearn/discover/discard. I wish you and your Mother peace and joy.
Donna, I commend you for stepping up to take care of your parents. It is a difficult and painful job. You are very strong to do it. You must remember though, not to get lost in the caregiving and to remember to care for yourself as well. Schedule some personal time for yourself. I wish you and your parents peace and joy as well. Take care of you. We are here for you. :)
Hey Rena...
Thanks...yeah it was horribly difficult...some days I didn't know if I would survive between my mother and where we lived. It was a rough part of town to say the least. But here I am today. I am grateful to be here and that my mother survived as well. I do wish her life had turned out better but it just wasn't in the cards.
I agree with you that Donna needs to be commended for all she does to help her mom. It is a huge challenge. Some people simply would not take it.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Thank you so much, MM. I guess I should have said "What did your mom do that hurt you the most?" instead of "What did your mother do TO hurt you the most." I think most mothers do things the best they can, whatever their mental or physical or financial state. I know very few mothers who TRY to hurt their daughters. Mine has just always thought she knew what was best for me and she was/is fanatically religious, which shades our interactions to a great degree. She treats me like I am still 6 yrs old and I can't stand it. We have talked about it ad nauseum and I have made my wishes and feelings clear. But it is like it goes right over her head. This is really why my brother and sister don't want to be around her. She tends to passive-aggressively accuse you of doing things wrong, even though what is wrong is often determined by many factors. Not just the Bible.
Anyway, I guess part of what I was asking in these questions is: how does my own mental illness affect my close relationships. I was wondering what I have done that was hurtful because of depression, schizophrenia and anxiety. Kind of keeping tabs on myself. I wonder if my family/friends think that I am sometimes "in another world." I wonder what they think of me now when we are interacting. Part of my taking on the task of caregiving, I think, is to show the rest of my family that I am up to it. That I can do something worthwhile. To get appreciation, too, you know. I don't do much that I feel is worthwhile outside of taking care of Mom. Yet I feel like my own life is going in the dumpster while I do it. Too many questions, too many answers.
Sometimes I think the best answer would be to totally estrange myself from my whole family. Just go to my apartment and shut the door and not answer phone calls, texts, emails, letters, knocks at the door, etc. Just never have anything to do with them anymore. But I know I depend on them to some degree -- we depend on each other. Still, (an illusion, I know) it seems like the perfect answer sometimes. Become a recluse. In my fantasies that would be a perfect world.
Hey Donna. As far as doing worthwhile things...You write here and what you write helps a lot of people. We learn from you and I really appreciate that. And about seperating from your family...I've thought about that myself, but the guilt would eat us alive. We have to be there for our family not matter how disfunctional it is and they will be there for us. That is what families do. We love them and they love us and drive us crazy at the same time. I do often fantasize about running away, breaking all ties and living in a small purple bungalow in Roatan, Honduras. We gotta have our dreams. LOL Plus...its ok to be "in another world" sometimes as long as it is a place where we can go and relax, feel love for ourself and do what we want to do, that makes us happy. Our Happy Place! As long as we don't dwell in our dark depressive place for very long, we are good. Take care of you Donna. :)
Hi Donna,
I can definately relate...I stopped talking to my family for some time, but the pain was too great. I think middle ground in this one is best for me. Plus, we too, depend on eachother in many ways as any family usually does...
But we must be aware of how much we can take. Then take care to do that first and after that, whatever we can spare, we can give.
I just wonder if there is some more middle ground for you to do besides move in with your mom. I know how angry I can get when I am treated like I am 5 or 6. It is not right. And one can only take so much of that.
I hope you find a middle ground so you don't totally give up your life...really, I don't think this works well anyway...as someone commented...first we have to have our own air mask on to help anyone else..
We need to be breathing to help others..and for me, I know having distance enough and time and life on my own enough....allows me to be strong enough to be there now and again for my loved ones ....and still it is hard...
I haven't been commenting much due to too much stress myself...but I wonder if it would just be too much living with your mother again?
You know you best...so I support you anything you think is best...
Marishka
Hi Donna
So glad you are here!
I had to cut and past some of your response so that I could respond to all the details.
You said:
Anyway, I guess part of what I was asking in these questions is: how does my own mental illness affect my close relationships. I was wondering what I have done that was hurtful because of depression, schizophrenia and anxiety. Kind of keeping tabs on myself. I wonder if my family/friends think that I am sometimes "in another world." I wonder what they think of me now when we are interacting. Part of my taking on the task of caregiving, I think, is to show the rest of my family that I am up to it. That I can do something worthwhile. To get appreciation, too, you know. I don't do much that I feel is worthwhile outside of taking care of Mom. Yet I feel like my own life is going in the dumpster while I do it. Too many questions, too many answers.
Okay...I hear you asking about how others view you so that maybe you can view yourself? You know this is a crazy-making strategy...I have to tell you. In every interaction...in every relationship....people may be hurtful. You don't need a psychiatric diagnosis to have human weaknesses. Does this make sense? Donna you are worthwhile...you don't need to prove this to anyone. You need to wake up and feel this within yourself...that your worthiness does not depend upon what others think. You have already proven these things....you have taken care of your mom in the past. You even took over her job if I remember correctly. You are a good daughter. You are a good sibling. You are a good friend. You are a good person.
I hate to say this but appreciation...you may not get any. Caretaking is a very difficult and mostly thankless job. Your mother may complain. Your siblings may complain despite the fact that they are not taking on this great challenge. Don't do this for appreciation. If you decide to do this...do it because you really want to. Don't put this pressure on yourself that this is some test of your worth.
Donna there are many people who would not take on this challenge. There are some people who would share in this responsibility. There may be more options than you think. It may be worth exploring how you can get help for your mom without this being your sole responsibility.
Sometimes I think the best answer would be to totally estrange myself from my whole family. Just go to my apartment and shut the door and not answer phone calls, texts, emails, letters, knocks at the door, etc. Just never have anything to do with them anymore. But I know I depend on them to some degree -- we depend on each other. Still, (an illusion, I know) it seems like the perfect answer sometimes. Become a recluse. In my fantasies that would be a perfect world.
I hear you. Believe me...I have these thoughts too and I don't have schizophrenia. Some days I want to hide in the closet. Sometimes I go take a shower to cry. But yes other people and even family can be good for us. It doesn't have to be black and white. You can have your alone times and times where you are up for being with others.
I can feel your struggle. This ain't easy. Nobody here can tell you your answers. You have to find them for yourself. But we will certainly listen and support you with whatever decision you make.
Be kind to you. You are worth it.
MM
Hi MM and all,
Though not being knowledgeable of schizophrenia, I'm sure that mental illness affects everything we relate to, especially people within our families and community. For someone who has no formal training in recognizing their own symptoms, schizophrenia must be a nasty twist on not seeing the world as most people say they do. Depression would be a natural result of burning too much psychic energy on trying to unravel. I can say from experience that depression of one family member affects all. Maybe it is stating the obvious, but I see the person who struggles with their own illness as having blind spots to their misinterpretation of stimuli. It is like not knowing which mask to put on, when the group says, we are playing "cowboys and Indians" now; wearing the mask for playing "baseball" doesn't work so well. The person with a mental illness misses the cues for which mask to put on so often that they eventually habitually get it wrong. The mask isn't a real mask; it is the attitude to take, when presented with certain stimuli. That makes the person with the illness socially inept. The "fog" of their illness affects everyone around them, because others sense their ineptness. Just understanding how others "see" the world is not a cure, because the one with the illness has to deal with ingrained habits and blind spots, as well as, quarantined emotions that take time to dissipate, and time to learn new healthier habits, if they learn to "see" for themselves in a new way. This might not sound like the process of "living with" someone with a mental illness, but I suggest that besides biological issues, some of this applies.
Ric
There is lot to think about in what you say.
I am wondering...does mental illness always cause social ineptness? I think in some ways it can make one more in tune with others...because you understand suffering. This is not always the case certainly but if you have been through something such as a mood disorder...you may be more empathic and compassionate towards those who are also going through a rough time. I often found that my mother with schizophrenia was very intuitive about people. Yes she had her delusions but at some basic level she was sensing people beyond their superficial layers.
Blind spots? Don't we all have them? I once wrote about the difference between optimism, pessimism and depressive realism. I dare say that some of our more positive happier counterparts have some pretty big blind spots. Whereas...the person with a mood disorder may have a more keen sense to smell out the BS and also understand their own frailties. I think people having depression spend a whole lotta time self reflecting.
But yes to some degree...I do agree...mental illness can alter the way we view the world and ourselves. Many of us may have that feeling of not quite fitting in and we struggle to know why.
Very interesting food for thought.
Thank you for commenting.
My attempts to care for my mother did not turn out well for me in many ways. She also always thought she knew what was best for me and wanted me to do as she wanted. She also was a very religious person and had rigid ideas of right and wrong. After my father died, she asked me to move in with her, but at the time my younger daughter had attempted suicide two or three times and I did not want to live to far from her. Also, my mother's home was a longer distance than I wanted to drive from my job. My youngest sister moved in with her, but after a year or so, mother moved into an apartment to get away from my sister.
Mother had depression and was still grieving my father's loss. Thinking it would work out okay, I invited her to stay with me. She took over my home and over me, as much as she could. I ended up spending as much time as possible in my bedroom. She did things that brought back bad memories of my childhood. I already had depression, but was still able to work. However, after a year and a half, I could no longer work. My depression was too bad, and I was having too many migraines. I wanted her to leave, but could not bring myself to ask her to. However, once I realized I would not be able to keep my house due to reduced income, at least she realized I was no longer going to be able to have her with me. She went to visit friends, had to be hospitalized, and afterward went to a nursing home for some time. She lived in apartments after that for about 3 years until her dementia got bad enough that she entered a nursing home to live there. Her sister lived nearby and was able to keep an eye on her and help with things as much as mother would allow. I did have to cut off direct contact with mother, as recommended by my therapist, for my own mental health's sake.
Because of my experiences, I would recommend to anyone to be careful about taking on the care of someone closely related who will not listen to you about what is best for them because they think you are still a child. If it starts to bring you down emotionally, you may need to leave the situation, if you can, to prevent damaging further your mental health.
patsy
Hey Patsy
I think you give some very sage advice here.
In some cases it is just not a good idea to take on the challenge to be the sole caregiver for a family member who may end up making your mental illness worse. Sometimes you have to admit that...you just can't do it.
I had to do this in my twenties. I could not continue to live with my mother who had severe schizophrenia and pursue any kind of life for myself. I was not mentally, emotionally, financially, or physically equipped to do it. But I was given a lot of guilt for my decision. But nobody else was stepping up to bat. I don't regret my decision. Had we remained living together...her psychosis was becoming so severe that violence was inevitable. She slept with a knife under her bed. Sometimes she accused me of being an imposter. I honestly feel that I might have died as a result if I continued to live with her. Being in a home where multiple staff could help her...was the only option.
I do think it is very important to realize when you just can't do it.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I think it will be helpful to a lot of people.
MM,
People often try to make someone feel guilty about not taking on a responsibility of caring for a sick person, when they do not want to have to feel responsible themselves. It is not fair of them to try to make someone, like you were, who is unequipped to handle all the problems involved and might be in danger of losing their life and/or their mental health, feel bad about not doing what it would take more than one strong and healthy person to do.
My therapist told me to consider it like an allergy--contact with my mother made me sick. I realized how right he was, and it made her remaining time easier for me to handle without guilt.
Thanks!
patsy
Yes, that's one thing I'm afraid of: my illness getting worse. When I live by myself, I can do things for Mom, but then I have time to recover all by myself -- without Wheel of Fortune or TV preachers in the background. I actually take better care of myself when I'm living alone, because then I take responsibility for myself. When living with Mom, I tend to turn all the responsibility over to her...like a child does. I let her make the decisions, let her boss me around, come running when she calls. I get to where I am no longer tuned in to my own needs; instead, I am totally tuned into her needs. The same happens in all my relationships. Except for one. I have a friend with bipolar disorder and I always tell her exactly what I think about what she says and does. I cut off a relationship with her for months because she usually forgot when we were supposed to meet. I think to myself, "I can't take any more of her bullsh*t." And I don't.
Unfortunately, I have this feeling of drifting between two states of being. Totally tuned in, and totally tuned out. Anything between the two I can only describe as "anxiety." That's what makes me worry about my mental health. I am always in flux, never settled down and steady-going. The only times I feel really good about life are when I have nothing to do with my family. And I know moving in with Mother means I will be subjected to all their complaints (as MM said) and all their shoulds, oughts, and musts. I guess it's because it is hard to distinguish between my needs and theirs.
I guess I could write about this all day. I am keeping a journal right now with all my feelings (good and bad) and it is a very honest look at my responses. It's not that I can't analyze what is going on -- maybe I do too much of that. I just don't know what to do.
My last therapist closed our sessions with this warning: "If you ever move in with your mother, I'm going to come over and drag you out of there by your hair!" Maybe I should call her!
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hi
Most of my childhood I was told that I was in my own world by my father when i would visit him
I probably was i didnt like his world
Jon
This makes sense to me Jon.
Sometimes being in your own world is protective.
I am glad to hear from you. I was getting a little worried as we have not heard from you in awhile.
Everything going okay?