Depression and Friendships: How to Choose Friends Wisely

By Merely Me Monday, February 06, 2012

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Just the other day I called one of my good friends who is currently coping with a major life crisis. Her father has been diagnosed with cancer and she tells me it is terminal. He has only months to live. It is during these times when I feel at my most inadequate. What can one say or do to help? So I just said a simple, “I am here for you.” Despite everything she is going through she made sure to ask about me, my family, and my kids. And I thought to myself, “This is a GOOD friend.”

When you live with depression making and keeping friends can be a challenge. I find that I tend to do best making friends with those who have faced similar challenges and those who understand that I will have my good and bad days. In my experience I have also found that trust is a key element in making and sustaining friendships. For anyone who has faced early traumas such as loss, neglect, or any type of abuse, trust can prove to be a very difficult feat. In many cases the person with depression who has experienced these life challenges may vacillate from extremes as in trusting too much or trusting too little. It is a very delicate balance. It can seem like many things could break that initially tentative friend-connection.

I am sure everyone here has experienced being burned by friendship where you thought you had a friend but it really wasn’t the case after all. For the person with depression these losses can feel devastating. You may beat yourself up by asking, “What is wrong with me?” or “What did I do wrong?” Part of the problem may be in our blind-spots due to our mood disorder or social history which leaves us clueless about what is healthy and what is not healthy with regard to our relationships. In this post I will share some of my hard earned wisdom about the warning signs of a doomed or unhealthy friendship and the elements of a friendship which can grow and blossom.

Warning signs of an unhealthy friendship:

• You feel like you can’t be yourself in the friendship.

You fear the loss of the friendship if you don’t act in a certain way to fit in with your friend’s standards. In some cases you feel like you have to dummy yourself down or be less than in order for your friend to like you. In either case you feel like you have to hide your true self in order to be accepted or liked.

• Your friend attempts to be your mentor or acts like you are a lost puppy they need to save.

I have had mentors in my life such as my first therapist, certain teachers, and adult figures when I was a child or teen. Some might argue with this but friends are not mentors and mentors are usually not your friend. There is an important distinction because with friendship you are on equal footing. A friend can inspire, give advice, and provide support. But a friend shouldn't be trying to mold you in their image. Eliza Doolittle I am not. When someone tries to fix me, save me, or tell me why I should emulate them then I know I have someone who wants a co-dependent sidekick and not a real friend.

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Comments (10) | Add comment

Paul

2/ 6/12 9:51pm

To me, this is exactly how friendship should and shouldn't be. I agree with this whole piece.

I don't remember when I realized it, but my gold standard for deciding whether I had a real friend or not has long been the part about being asked about.

Yourself, family, work, interests, and asking in return. Not from doing what is proper but from wanting to know..., from liking the person, and being liked.

It's easy. After weeks, turning into months, of only listening I am confident that I do not have a friend, but have only become a listening post, and as long as I shake my head in agreement, nothing more is required.

Life is too short for that. How are you needs to mean something.

Steve

2/ 6/12 10:18pm

I know exactly what you mean Paul as I'm going through that very same thing myself. I've been used as a listening post, sounding board, tutor, rock and general emotional sponge for the last 6 years by someone I used to reguard as a friend. Alas when she feels I've ran out of use I'm abandoned for months on end, and very rarely in the past has this friendship been returned, very one-sided. Its a real painful process to undergo, not least because one also feels such a fool. In the long run, however, I hope it to be an ultimately liberating experience, its just at the moment it sucks the big one ! Hope your feeling wonderful again soon Paul, and that you soon find a proper friend worthy of you. All the best.

Merely Me

2/ 7/12 4:23pm

Hey Paul

I am glad this post resonated with you. This is something I have often overlooked because I am introverted and I will allow others to talk more at times...sometimes this is due to my shyness and other times it is due to low self-esteem in thinking, "Are they going to be interested in anything I say?" But when you have known someone for awhile and they never ask you the simple basic things...you wonder...are they interested in me as a person or do they simply wish to use me? Likewise...my children are so important to me...and if I share things...I talk about them and...when someone doesn't even care to ask how they are doing...or knowing that I have MS...to never ask how I am doing...it doesn't bode well. The sad thing is...sometimes when I ask how others are doing...who suffer from some kind of chronic illness...they are shocked because I think for a lot of us...we simply don't get asked.

One thing I like about my dermatologist is that...as busy as she is...she always asks about not only me but my kids and family. It is just nice. A simple courtesy but so appreciated.

I truly believe...that in our society...despite all this technology to connect...we aren't connecting. We are slowly becoming more and more alienated and talking at people instead of talking with them. We are becoming more egocentric...more selfish...and less able to show simple courtesy, politeness, and civility. It is sad.

Sorry for going on so...but I have really been thinking about all this lately.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience and wisdom here. It is much appreciated.

Merely Me

2/ 7/12 4:31pm

Hi Steve

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Is it a case where the friendship has just run its course? Sometimes people get busy and maybe this person doesn't perceive things the way you do...but it isn't any less hurtful. When you give as a friend...it is a gift...you have to say it was your choice. But if the other person is not reciprocating...maybe some communication about that would be helpful. Of course it is easy to give armchair advice when we don't know the entire situation.

But I am sorry you have been hurt. You aren't a fool. You just tried to be a good friend and it wasn't reciprocated in the way you would have liked.

But this does not mean you are not a likeable person or that you are unworthy of friendship.

Let us know how things go for you. Thanks for sharing here.

LyraStorm

2/ 7/12 8:04am

Hi Merely Me,

I found this interesting and useful but I am wondering - do you think narcissits can't have friends? Are they loners, perhaps, who just have others to manipulate around them? I always thought everyone needs SOMEONE.

I read once that we place too much expectation on friendships. Life isn't like in the movies. Friendships often don't last forever. People come in and out of our lives when they fit because we are constantly changing as we grow. I like that idea because it makes me feel less upset about those I've lost along the way, and it seems to fit with those who were friends when I was doing a course with them and then as time lagged on faded away, etc. Hopefully some stick though.

There is one more thing I question about your post. You said if a friend is a good one you don't need to question the friendship, you know they are your friend, or something along those lines - when very depressed I doubted all my friendships. Some of whom stuck by me and are still friends with me now. I was paranoid and saw things that weren't real - only time could show me the truth. Just a thought.

Honestly I love this article though. I wish I had this sort of guide when I was still in high school!

Merely Me

2/ 7/12 5:41pm

Hey Lyra

Oh how I hate that we cannot see the whole comment to respond to! ugh.

Here is your response...and you make so many good points...I didn't want to miss any.

You said: I found this interesting and useful but I am wondering - do you think narcissits can't have friends? Are they loners, perhaps, who just have others to manipulate around them? I always thought everyone needs SOMEONE.

Here are my thoughts...I think narcissists like to think they have friends but they don't quite know what that concept means...especially the reciprocity part. I don't they are loners as they thrive on other people to build up their self-importance. People aren't friends so much for the narcissist but instead...admirers or fodder for their ego. They may even play the part of the victim to get attention just as some bullies do. And I think that the person having depression is very vulnerable to such a personality because hey...they are going to show you the way. Narcissists can be very charismatic. But having a healthy relationship...I guess it depends on the level of narcissim but that usually isn't going to happen.

You said: I read once that we place too much expectation on friendships. Life isn't like in the movies. Friendships often don't last forever. People come in and out of our lives when they fit because we are constantly changing as we grow. I like that idea because it makes me feel less upset about those I've lost along the way, and it seems to fit with those who were friends when I was doing a course with them and then as time lagged on faded away, etc. Hopefully some stick though.

You are very right about this Lyra. This is an excellent point. When you have depression...it can color our perceptions so much that we may question all of our relationships. Depression whispers lies in our ear that we are unlikeable and nobody is our friend. And of course these things are not true. You are also right that there is no perfect friendship. We are all imperfect and so are our relationships. Likewise there are different levels of friendships. Some people are acquaintances...some people are buddies we share hobbies and activities with...and some people are those we relate to on a very deep level.

People do come and go from our life...sometimes it is just inevitable...you grow apart. Sometimes this happens through a physical move...or so much time passes that you are simply a different person than you were years ago...with different needs in a friend.

However...I guess my main point is...life is short. If you find that with other friends...you have the gut feeling that yes they care about you...and they show this in action...but for some others...you feel that nagging doubt..sometimes it is wise to trust your gut. I feel that people having depression may ignore some very accurate gut feelings because they want to be liked at all costs. At certain times in your life you may be more vulnerable to being used. Some of us may spend an inordinate amount of time trying to make an unhealthy relationship work when instead...we could be spending that time with people who really do care about us and show their support. Not everyone is good for us or our mental health. It is difficult wisdom to come by and I am still learning even at my age. :>)

You said: There is one more thing I question about your post. You said if a friend is a good one you don't need to question the friendship, you know they are your friend, or something along those lines - when very depressed I doubted all my friendships. Some of whom stuck by me and are still friends with me now. I was paranoid and saw things that weren't real - only time could show me the truth. Just a thought. Honestly I love this article though. I wish I had this sort of guide when I was still in high school!

Okay I think I did address this above but yeah...time does have a way of revealing the truth about things. One piece of wisdom I do with to impart...all the high school stuff it can definitely go on through the years. People are people...and sometimes one doesn't become necessarily more wise with age especially about relationships.

But you...you are wise beyond your years Lyra. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here.

Judy

2/ 7/12 11:43pm

Hey, Merely Me - great post! What's so funny is that your descriptions of "bad" friends fit a lot of my family, especially my narcissistic mother. Very few of them ever ask how I'm doing - my mother doesn't even know the names of most of my friends. I've sort of decided that there are parts of my life that I don't want her to know about because she doesn't know how to respect boundaries.

I know one guidepost I use in deciding with whom to spend my time - does the person bring some kind of enrichment to my life so that I feel nourished, or do they drain all my energy? That's kind of helped me feel less bad about letting some friendships go because, as you said, life IS too short. I don't have a lot of friends but that's okay because the ones I have mean a lot to me.

Thanks again for writing about this - I think it's an important subject worth thinking about.

Marishka

2/ 8/12 3:08pm

Hi MM,

I liked this post. Very interesting discussion too.

I don't have the energy read it again right now, but I will later. Just short comment.

Judy, yes, I find that is a very good question...do they enrich our lives in some way? Also, do they ask about us.

Also, do I feel better or worse just being with them or talking to them?

I also so related to the dumb down thing. I find that I do that with some people. I so not feel I can myself.

More to say, but have to rest.

Just a very helpful post and discussion.

Marishka

Donna-1

2/ 8/12 3:32pm

I am responding w/o reading the other 8 comments first, because I want to be sure I am speaking my own thoughts and not someone else's...although I may agree with them.

For a long time I focused only on myself in friendships -- was I saying the right things, doing the right things, planning the right get-togethers, leaving enough room for the other person to express him or herself, being grateful enough but not gushing, responding compassionately enough. I forgot that everyone has their own "friendships hangups."

My best friend is one I see at church most Sundays and we only exchange pleasantries and greetings and go our ways. But once a month, we meet for ice cream (one way to judge a true friend -- lol) and go more into detail about what's going on in our lives. I am always tempted to "let it all out" and tell her exactly what has been happening and how I feel about it. But I was quick to notice that she was not doing the same. I assumed I was boring her or it was too much personal information and was not appropriate to share. She never shared anything personal unless I asked a direct question, then she often just ducked the question and turned the conversation back over to me.

Gradually, however, I figured out it was not my "presentation" or organization of our meeting that kept her quiet. I found out she is very emotional under a surface of absolute calm and stoic reserve. She is afraid of showing her emotions. If she talks about any of her family problems, she immediately tears up and then tries to laugh it away and dismiss whatever she was saying as "nothing." I can see she hates for me to see her cry. I, on the other hand, am just verbal and unemotional and it never enters my mind to cry about anything, even the bad stuff.

So in a way, it feels like we have an unequal or uneven relationship. I'm always sharing and she's always listening. She's also very self deprecating and knows it and plans to stay that way, which is fine with me, although it took some getting used to.

I'm convinced that friendships, in great part, are a focusing on the other person rather than myself. Not trying to "pre-plan" what to say and do. Just meet and greet and talk about...whatever. I do have the sense we will always be there for each other because we have some of the same background issues and interests. I try not to share that I am in any certain mood, unless I am so totally down or up that it is obvious and may need to be put out there on the table. Or I may call on her when I am super anxious or fretting, and we go out to eat ice cream and mostly talk about other stuff. Because it isn't getting my moods off my chest that is helpful, it is just companionship. Knowing I can listen and be listened to and respected.

Marishka

2/ 8/12 3:45pm

I am very tired so this is short!

Just more discussion...where and how is the best way to start making healthy friends...I know I have my ideas...guess I will put it out briefly....I am exhausted...

doing things you enjoy

doing healthy things, meet ups, organizations, voluteering, work, joining groups you enjoy

ok..tired, interesting post

Depression and Friendships: How to Choose Friends Wisely

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