Why are You Depressed? The Depression Community Question of the Week

2/23/12 6:24pm

I have been depressed, I believe, because I have been hypersensitive to rejection and to other people's emotions, which led to being an over-achiever and approval-seeking behavior, and constant stress over my parents' bickering when I was young, and then gradually stress over any disharmony in my family at large. I am trying not to be a "fixer" of other people's relationships. I'm trying not to base self-approval on someone else's approval of me. It is taking decades to come around to who I am and what I want out of life. But now I am satisfied with how I look, my age, my physical abilities, and generally satisfied with life in general. Yes there are changes I would make if I could, but I am not going to worry about the things I can't change.

Merely Me

2/24/12 9:13pm

You sound good Donna!

I wonder how many of us battle these same demons...wishing to please everyone and make everyone happy. It is not possible but we keep trying and feeling terrible about ourselves in the process. I think I have developed these same wishes because I like to think I have more control than I do. I would rather blame myself for things going wrong than to say...it was just...happenstance. I think we regain our power when we admit the serenity prayer...that there are many things simply out of our control. So hard to let go.

Sounds like you are on a good healthy path.

Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us today.

SerenityChic29

2/23/12 6:34pm

I am depressed because I feel like between the sexual abuse and my health issues (I have VATERS Syndrome. I've had 23 surgeries-including 5 surgeries on my back by the time I was 13yrs old-and I'm only 35 yrs old.) my childhood was taken away. I now have severe Chronic Pain. I can't work. I have a hard time keeping the household going (ie laundry, dishes)

My live-in boyfriend of 8yrs, is in driving school. When he graduates in March, he will get in a tractor trailer and drive all over the creation. I feel like he's leaving me behind.

I continuosly get reminded that just because I have medical problems and chronic pain that stops my life doesn't mean it stops everybody elses lives.

I have a Peripheral Nerve Field Stimulator implanted and it's never worked right and I've had it since 2010. My doctor says the symptoms I have are not because of the implant. I have a Tethered Spinal Cord that 5 spine specialists refuse to do surgery to untether it because the surgery is too risky and might paralyze me.

I know the question is "Why are you depressed?" BUT I think my question is "Why shouldn't I be depressed?"

Thanks for letting me share. Serenity

Merely Me

2/24/12 9:18pm

Hey there

I hear ya. I think many people in your situation would ask the same thing. It isn't fair that you have all this pain to deal with and for so long. I wish I had some great answers to give you but I don't.

I hope it does help some just to talk about it though.

Is there anything that does help you cope? What has worked the best for you?

Keep writing...we want to hear from you.

MM

lonelyone

2/23/12 6:41pm

I don't know why I am depressed. I get so bad I have to go to the hospital. I've been I think to every one. I'm looking into TMS. Good luck to every one.

Merely Me

2/24/12 9:21pm

Hi Lonelyone

Good to see you too!

Sometimes I have no idea why I am depressed either. I tell myself it is my wiring gone awry. It helps to think of this as temporary and it usually is in that there is remission. But depression seems to be a lifelong "buddy" of mine. It loves me so...it doesn't want to leave me. :>)

Let us know if you choose to do this procedure. I am very curious about how it works.

MM

LyraStorm

2/24/12 1:47am

On the surface it seems like such a straight-forward question, but it is a complicated answer. I'm a firm believer that no one is depressed over a single thing. One or two things we can handle and deal with, it is when things pile up and compound together that we get overwhelmed and our barriers seem to weaken...

Personally... um, maybe because I have difficulty distinguishing between reality and what happens in my head. The confusion makes me irritable and I react to things that have never happened or overreact to things that are truly happening. I've also been very different (perhaps due to what I've just mentioned) and so have been bullied and outcasted constantly. I struggle to get on with my immediate family and we were isolated by ourselves in Australia when the rest of the family were in England whilst I as growing up, and we all seemed to have issues socialising so a lot of the time it was just us in this cooker-pot situation lashing out at one another. When we did move to England to live I was a teenager who was already deeply unhappy, I couldn't cope with the changes, and I found that the whole mantra 'it isn't you, its them' is entirely false in my case because I went to different areas with completely different people and failed to fit in anywhere and continued to be constantly bullied. Then we moved back to Australia in the critical exam time of my schooling, which of course only added more stress. All of this compounded until I was a bundle of emotions that lashed out at the smallest of provications (probably not helped by teenage hormones) and then, finally, I learnt to disconnect and that seemed better and so for a long time I didn't improve because I feared letting that shield down.

Wow, that's a long spiel. And truth be told it probably doesn't cover half of it, but there is my best answer. Oh, and it seems to run in my family - lots of mental health problems over the generations.

Merely Me

2/24/12 9:27pm

Hey Lyra

I appreciate your detailed answer!

It is very good because it shows how deeply complex depression really is. I think you are so right...depression is not caused by any one thing. It is a multi-faceted beast...and different for everyone.

One commonality I share with you is being my head and sometimes I need yanked out. It is like a little safe cocoon until things go wrong and then it can be a living hell...trapped within one's self.

You really sound good Lyra...I am constantly amazed by how wise you are for someone so young. It is quite unusual.

Keep writing...love to hear from you.

MM

patsyg

2/24/12 7:56am

I had pre-verbal trauma by being separated from my mother for 6 weeks after my birth and being cared for by nuns in the hospital nursery due to my mother's illness. For about 6 months after that I was cared for mainly by my maternal grandmother while my mother was on doctor-prescribed bed rest.

My parents had very strong religious beliefs, and by the time I was 2 years old my father had decided to become a preacher. I was to be the "perfect" child. Both my parents were "strict" or very controlling. My mother and father ultimately used me to meet their needs. I was not allowed to think for myself or make my own life decisions, unless they were approved by my parents. Guilt and fear were used as controllers for me.

When I was around 13 my father began sexually abusing me. He didn't stop till I was 18 or 19. I thought I was a participant.

When I was about 19 and having weight problems, my mother took me to a doctor who prescribed diet pills. I took them for three months. After stopping them, I had my first episode of major depression, undiagnosed officially.

When I was 21 I became pregnant, and my parents decided that I would go to a maternity home in another state and give up my child for adoption. I begged to go a month earlier than the home usually allowed, as my mother was treating me as if I was dirt. By the time I was 7 months along, I knew I did not want to lose my child and tried to do what I could to keep him. However, I had postpartum depression and was unable to withstand the severe coercion I was under to relinquish my rights. This trauma was the worst of my life, as the results have been with me ever since.

Throughout the rest of my life my mother continued her attempts at controlling me. Because of the early training, in many ways she was successful. I've always been a people pleaser.

I've been married and divorced twice and have a daughter from each of those unions. Without them I would probably not be alive today. I tried to be sure that they felt loved and were able to think for themselves and make their own decisions.

My older daughter was sexually abused and assaulted by and older babysitter's husband at age 4 and sexually abused by her adoptive father at age 12. Both she and my younger daughter have had to be without a father since then, except that my younger daughter had occasional visits with him. He has since remarried twice and has 3 other bio children.

patsy

Merely Me

2/24/12 9:41pm

Oh my Patsy

I knew about some of this but not all. It is absolutely heartbreaking. So your parents made you give up your son? Do you have any idea about him today or was it best to just let go? I can't imagine. You have been through so much and from the very beginning of your life.

You are a true survivor Patsy. Some people would not be able to cope with any one of these things let alone...all. I have great admiration and respect for you.

I am so sorry for all the pain you have endured. I hope that life is a little better for you now.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are quite a remarkable woman.

MM

jpw2008

2/24/12 1:46pm

hi

I believe i am depressed because I have not learned to deal with people.

I also believed growing up that I could not take care of myself

I also had an irrational belief that i had to be perfect

and that i was worthless

Jon

Merely Me

2/24/12 10:12pm

Hi Jon

It seems that others have also talked about this need to be perfect. Maybe we are onto something as to some of the beliefs which contribute to depression.

Feeling worthless too...is a symptom of depression. I think many of us can relate to that feeling as well.

It is good to see you...glad to see you writing more on the site.

MM

Marishka

2/25/12 7:35am

Hi Jon,

yes, I have the irrational belief that I have to be perfect, cannot take care of myself, and am worthless....thank you for writing this....

Ricovring

2/25/12 2:38pm

Jon,

I'm very happy to see your lucid comments. You seem to be coming into a

time of healthiness. How wonderful!

Ric

Judy

2/24/12 8:12pm

Not a simple question, MM! But you know that. I think my depression started as a child because of emotional, physical and sexual abuse because it was a way to not feel angry, scared or hurt and a way to fly under the radar so I wouldn't draw any attention to myself. I learned to not have any opinions or ideas unless they were somebody else's. Other things happened along the way that contributed even more to it and after having children, I think things started to crack and I realized I was depressed and then, even later, found out it was part of PTSD. I always felt that things were not right when I was a child, but being able to talk to someone about it and recognize how it really felt confirmed that I wasn't just making things up. The things that trigger it now are circumstances where I feel trapped or powerless and I'm still having to work at owning my power as well as accepting things that cannot be changed because they belong to others. I still am afraid of expressing anger directly to someone and I still can feel a lot of guilt and shame if I don't live up to some standard I think I need to meet and most of the time, that standard was set by someone else. The PTSD makes it hard sometimes to recognize what's reality and what's not and depression still can get me in its grip, but usually I can make myself do something to feel better, even if it's just having contact with another human being.

I so appreciate the members of this community who share their stories and struggles - it helps to know we're not alone.

Merely Me

2/24/12 10:21pm

Hey Judy

It really has been helpful to hear all the responses. There seem to be many similarities among us. Early childhood traumas or loss, sometimes abuse, health problems, family issues, and a genetic and biological predisposition to having depression....they all make depression much more likely it seems. Add to this...all the depressive beliefs...that we need to be perfect...make everyone happy...and that we are worthless don't help either.

Everyone has gone through different struggles but doesn't it seem that there are these strong commonalities?

I am glad you brought up PTSD as a lot of folk with depression also suffer from this condition as well.

Thanks so much Judy for sharing how you have survived so much. I wish I could rewind the clock for all of us and make it all right. But I suppose we would not be who we are without these...challenges.

MM

Marishka

2/25/12 7:33am

Hi MM,

Wow, this was really great reading this....and your post asking this...

I identify with every person...

the two that stood out though are Jon and Judy...I identified with both of you right now...

Jon, the thinking I am worthless....or sometimes for me, it is 'I am bad' in some way for some reason....or "I deserve to suffer or die" even....

Plus, thinking I cannot take care of myself....plus, on other one I think you said I forgot...

And Judy...the PTSD thing of course...and how you said it...feeling trapped and powerless being the trigger....and other things you said I forgot...but identified with...

So what else for me? A lot of core thoughts I think..." I don't want to be happy if my family of origin is not" "They don't want me to bet happy" "I don't want to hurt them by being happy, somehow this may bring their suffering up for them" "I only want to be happy if we all can be happy"

"I don't want there to be suffering or death for anyone I love and so I cannot be happy since I cannot control this." or "I don't want there to be suffering or death for the world and I cannot be happy if there is" "I don't want to be not suffering if someone else is" Endless

"Something in me is bad and I deserve to suffer or die for it" (when I feel the worst) "I am evil, bad for having human feelings like envy, rage, jealosy, wanting to be happy"

"I can't make my family of origin happy so I am going to suffer to try to fix it"

"I need to suffer, I am the designated sufferer, sick one in the family.....everyone would suffer if I did not do it for the family" 'If I heal, others will suffer. If I suffer, I can keep the focus off others and keep them from

suffering"

"I cannot be happy and humble for some reason so I need to stay unhappy to be humble which is very important"

"If I am happy, I will make others suffer since if are not, and I don't want to make others suffer......, and also, "they will attack me and hurt me if I am happy and feel good"

OK...thank you so much MM....for asking this question and letting me get these out....

Marishka

2/25/12 8:18am

"Somehow I have been appointed to do the suffering...in my family...by God...the sick one... , just worked out this way... so I am going to do my job, and do this for my family of origin because I don't want them to suffer and I would rather take the suffering on myself and somehow save them from any"

"I can control all this"

"I cannot stand to think my loved ones are suffering, so if I am badly enough, this keeps my focus on my own and not on what I think they may be "

Ricovring

2/25/12 2:33pm

Hi MM and all,
My depression is the result of many factors. The first that comes to mind is biological. My grandfather on my father's side had severe depression. Another source is a personal history of feeling inadequate. Also having double pneumonia before age 6 mos., set a bent toward believing the world to be a cruel place. A big factor has been only partially recovering from abusing substances forty years ago- having a confused mindset. Growing up in a country that idolizes excess may also be a factor. Growing up shy, and feeling that I did not fit into the popular set; thus having very few friends, which became a pattern to follow into adulthood- i.e.
having a small support network is a contributor. Having an attitude that life is not satisfying and being angry at God have been factors. Lastly, unknowns that make staying rosy ephemeral;
off the top of my head, those things come to mind.
Ric

Aubrey (aml0017)

2/28/12 9:28am

I do think the root cause of my depression is biological, ultimately. However, I know I have absolutely no self worth. Growing up, my mother was teh key person in my life, and I never felt completely accepted by her. Now as an adult, I find it hard to accept that anyone else, even myself, can really love me with all my faults. As a result, I have been alone my whole life. There are a lot of other things that have happened but this is the one thing that keeps me from getting better. Not feeling I am worthy enough to be loved, to get better.

Aubrey (aml0017)

2/28/12 9:29am

I do think the root cause of my depression is biological, ultimately. However, I know I have absolutely no self worth. Growing up, my mother was teh key person in my life, and I never felt completely accepted by her. Now as an adult, I find it hard to accept that anyone else, even myself, can really love me with all my faults. As a result, I have been alone my whole life. There are a lot of other things that have happened but this is the one thing that keeps me from getting better. Not feeling I am worthy enough to be loved, to get better.

theresadz

3/21/12 3:39pm

I am depressed because of my chronic migraines, it's one of those wonderful co-morbid relationships between the two using the same neuropathways in my head. I also believe I was probably predisposed to it with a lot of people in my family who aren't officially diagnosed because they don't think it's a real problem. I hope that through my depression they will learn that it is ok if they are depressed and it's ok to get help. Maybe that way my pain will be for a reason and will help someone in the process.

rainy day girl

3/25/12 1:47am

hey all, I'm here late in the game, so maybe my contribution

will never be read. but here's why I think I'm depressed:

Some of it is biological, my grandmother suffered bouts

of depression. Some of it may be hormonal, I started

getting Seasonal Depression (winter) about the time

I started having periods. I also have ADD, and maybe

because of that I've always had difficulty making friends.

I still have no friends at 43.

I got married at 20, but as time went by

my husband grew increasingly difficult to live with:

a real control freak/toxic personality.

I'm also anhedonic. Which is probably the worst thing.

I had a severe bout of IBS when I was 33 that lasted

for 5 years, and I'd rather deal with that than be anhedonic.

All this was bad, but I was generally keeping my head

above water until several years ago when my baby turned 6

and went off to first grade. That was the straw that broke the camel's back!

The one thing in life that brought me joy was

having my little children around me. (I had 5 kids)

Now they are just going to keep growing up, and at

the speed of light, until they fly away and I will be left

an empty nothing. It's so close: about 6 years away.

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