Calling a Suicide Hotline

By Merely Me Wednesday, August 13, 2008

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Depression can be a difficult subject to talk about. I think it helps to find the humor in the situation. There is humor in the story I am about to tell you, but it is of the dark kind. And know that I am in a good place right now as I write this. I am not depressed right now, far from it. It is from this good place that I want to try to see this episode in my life with a little perspective, humor, and whole lot of humility.

Why am I about to share this with you? Because I believe a lot of folks have been there, are there, about to be there. I am talking about depression here...the kind that leaves you lifeless and dry and the kind that makes you think crazy things.

And I want to tell you what it feels like for me.

The thing about depression that people who do not suffer from mood disorders don't understand is how very physical it can be. It isn't like...oh I am sad...boo hoo and spill a few tears. It physically hurts. Your body is drained. You don't want to move. You don't want to get up out of bed. Talking seems unbelievably difficult. Basically you suffer. The body and the brain get together and beat the crap out of you.

It is like being in a tunnel where it is impossible to see any light. My favorite analogy for myself is that it is like sitting at the bottom of a well. Sometimes people come and peer over the edge but they can't quite ever reach you . You are too far down.

Every loss you have ever felt in your life comes back at you full force. Memories you do not want to re-live play over and over in your mind leaving you hollowed out and at their mercy. "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" seems more than appropriate for the place you find yourself in. You are one raw exposed skinless creature cowering in fear and pain. But there is nowhere to hide. Your mind offers you no relief.

The thoughts pour in then as you begin to drown. The thoughts are all about being worthless and the mantra of "I don't matter...I don't matter" begins to rain. Part of you struggles to retain some semblance of normalcy...get up...talk to someone...get a cup of tea...do a chore. But everything feels slow and painful...like you are trying to walk through nettles. All your mind wants to focus upon is ending that pain anyway that you can.

You start to think crazy things...like endless sleeps...or drowning...or running away...or harming oneself paradoxically to end/release all that pain.

It is comical in a way...so very melodramatic...larger than life. The pain becomes the very center of the universe and you are trapped there. Other people cannot see this or begin to understand this. "Why?" they might ask. "I don't know why...it just is." Not talking becomes easier and a way to save oneself that energy of explanation when there is none.

I was feeling this way some years ago. And I did not want to share this with family or friends. I didn't want to burden anyone with...me. I also didn't want to be judged. I wanted to handle this alone but when it became too much for me I made a decision. I decided to call a suicide hotline.

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Comments (15) | Add comment

Anonymous

8/14/08 9:41pm

You have provided a realistic and useful description of what it means when someone says they are depressed.

Outsiders often don't have a clue concerning the deep physical and emotional pain a depressed person is going through. Any outsider reading your story can not help but have a much better understanding of what it is like to be on the inside.

Your article should be read by anyone who knows someone who is depressed, which is probably most of us.

You also give hope to those of us who are now living with depression. You show that people can get passed this and go on to have better days.

Great article!!!!

Anonymous

8/15/08 4:50pm

As i read through this I feel like i am beginning to understand a little. To scratch the surface. I am not depressed, not like you describe... but i love someone who is and it is so hard to deal with sometimes, ironically, because I care so much and she can not seem to feel my care at the bad times when its needed most. Sometimes my caring just does not seem to get through. But maybe it does and that maybe is important... it is important to me.

Thank you for your willingness to share this.

Susan Cagley

8/17/08 6:33pm

I have ms as well. I have had this sense I was a teenager. I have dealt with so much of the symptoms that come and go, it makes more depress each day. I was married for 23 years and we even dated for 4 years in high school. When all my family, friends, and co-workers started to turn against me saying that I was just being lazy or making it up, wanted to give up. I hang in there and lost most battles than I could count, but there is always another one on the passion. I have to remember my daughters to take care of. This is what helps me make it through each day. God has really bless me with Debra and Elizabeth ever day. My depression is strong and the ms doesn't help, but they don't control me, God dose.

Lisa E.

8/24/08 12:23am

Susan and Merely Me,

Add me to the list of those living with depression and with multiple sclerosis. It certainly does make for an interesting roller coaster at times.

Lisa

Paul

8/22/08 4:04pm

Yes, this is it, I have been there many times. I've come to expect it almost like the pendulum of a clock which keeps bad time and it swings your way when it wants to.

I've never seen it put into such startling detail before, anywhere. I'm glad you chose to write instead of, some time in the past, left here. I'll be glad to read whatever you post and believe you can be of great value, because you know.

When and if it ever comes back your way, you can write for us instead of live alone in that darkest place and we can read and be helped as well. This is such beautiful writing, all directly from your heart, sharing everything says anyone can. Just not in words so well.

I do not know why and do not mean to be rude, but I feel better having read this. It's a remarkable article of Faith. Thank you.

Merely Me

9/10/08 7:32am

Thank you so much for reading. I know so many can relate to these feelings. I hope you come back to read and share.

zenhead

8/26/08 5:09pm

great story. how lucky for all of us that you were able to find the humor.

william styron likened depression to "a staircase that leads only down."

thanks for sharing!

Merely Me

9/10/08 7:32am

I love that quote...I can totally relate. Thank you so much for stopping by to read me!

w1kkp

8/29/08 9:12pm

Your paragraph on what the hotline counselor (once you got him!) said to you that was helpful is a subject worthy of more posts, I think. I think some well meaning people say ridiculous and unhelpful things because they simply don't know what to say. I am hoping you'll consider writing a bit more about what family, friends, can say, can do.

This could be a book, by the way. What to Say. Not just to people suffering from depression, but people who have experienced loss of any sort. I've recently witnessed a family who lost their daughter to suicide be on the receiving end of unbelievably insensitive comments. My take on it was that these folks simply didn't know what to say, got nervous, and proceeded to make a bad situation worse.

Anyway, I also think "perserverance" is a trait that has served you well!

Merely Me

8/29/08 9:36pm

Thanks so much for reading me. I absolutely will write more about what to say. I think anyone who suffers from depression probably has a book in them. I hope you come back to read more and thank you for all the gentle nudges to write. You have made a difference in my life.

Tom McBride

9/ 8/08 6:02am

W1kkp, having attempted suicide myself, I might share an observation that might help. Please know and let your family know, that their daughter probably did not turn to suicide on a whim. It was a long and very painful process. To come to the place where she could do it. To determine how to do it. To visualize it happening. All of this takes time and is accompanied with a great amount of pain.

I say that not to pile on the hurt of their loss, but to help them realize that although they were very likely stunned and shocked and surprised by her act, she was in pain for a long time.

Survivors go thru the pain of the loss feeling: GRIEF like anyone does, over the loss of a loved one, to whatever cayse. Now add to that the ANGER, "how could you do this to me?", "I thought you loved me, how could you hurt me like this?. And if that is not bad enough, there is the GUILT. "If I only knew, I could have done something." "I knew she was in pain, but I had no idea it might come to this."

If they could only understand how much pain she was in, perhaps they might be able to come to that place where they can say to her..."I love you, I forgive you and I hope that you have found the peace that you were so desperatly looking for. Maybe then, they can find some peace for themselves.

Sign me;

Been there, done that and have one hell of a scar.

w1kkp

9/ 9/08 6:39pm

Thanks, Tom, for your thoughts and your generosity in sharing them. This is a topic that really is counter intuitive so sometimes the "usual" things you say to a family with such a loss may not really help. Your journey surely will help many others. Again, thanks.

Merely Me

9/10/08 7:35am

This is such an excellent comment and so very true. The pain one feels prior to such an attempt is so overwhelming. You are left with wanting to do anything to get rid of it. I so appreciate you coming to read and to share your insights with us.

Tom McBride

9/ 8/08 6:32am

I want to applaud your courage, Merely Me, for sharing your story. Also, to compliment you on the articulate way in which you spoke for many of us.

I believe the greatest gift we who suffer Depression can give, is to let others know that "You are NOT alone. I'm in the darkness with you, you just can't see me."

I must share with you a little tale that explains how I came to be so open about my illness.

I had been in the hospital recovering from the self inflicted gunshot wound to my chest, which came from my attempt at suicide. My Dr invited me to spend a week on the 11th floor Mental Health Ward, when I was well enough, and I did just that.

At the end of the week, as I was getting into the elevator to go home, I realized that I had forgotten something, and needed to go back up to get it. So when the elevator emptied at the ground floor I started to lean forward to push the 11 button, when a young couple got on. The young man reached up to push 11, so I stepped back. The young woman very abruptly pulled his hand away and said, "Don't push 11...everyone knows that's Mental Health...push 12 and we will walk down."

Now I had experienced a very wonderful week, that gave me the knowledge and the tools to fight back against my illness. So I leaned forward and pushed 11, and I may have held my finger on it for longer than was necessary, but I wanted to be sure it lit up nice and bright. When the doors opened on 11, we all got out and went into the ward.

You know, it would never occur to me to sneak up one floor above the Cancer Ward and sneak down to get my chemo (sic) therapy. I would not think to sneak a floor above and then come down the fire escape to the Kidney Ward for my Dialalis treatment. My illness is Depression, and the treatment is on the 11th floor.

From that day on, I have tried to be completely open about my illness. I don't hesitate to discuss what I went thru with my suicide attempt either. The funny part is that I have not yet (after 3 years) found anyone who appeared turned off about discussing it...the Depression OR the Suicide attempt. Far too many will respond with stories of their own.

As I close, please note that when I say that after a 10 year long losing battle with Depression, I shot myself...that marks the end of the bad news in my story. The rest has been very positive, but you'll have to buy me a beer and sit back for an hour, to hear the long version.

Merely Me

9/10/08 7:39am

I have been wanting to respond to you for some time now. Your story is so poignant. I absolutely applaud you! You are so right in that your sharing of your experience is ultimately going to help others. Well...I don't have beer but I would love for you to keep sharing here. I do want to hear your story. I am so glad you are here to tell it.

Calling a Suicide Hotline

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