Depression can be a difficult subject to talk about. I think it helps to find the humor in the situation. There is humor in the story I am about to tell you, but it is of the dark kind. And know that I am in a good place right now as I write this. I am not depressed right now, far from it. It is from this good place that I want to try to see this episode in my life with a little perspective, humor, and whole lot of humility.
Why am I about to share this with you? Because I believe a lot of folks have been there, are there, about to be there. I am talking about depression here...the kind that leaves you lifeless and dry and the kind that makes you think crazy things.
And I want to tell you what it feels like for me.
The thing about depression that people who do not suffer from mood disorders don't understand is how very physical it can be. It isn't like...oh I am sad...boo hoo and spill a few tears. It physically hurts. Your body is drained. You don't want to move. You don't want to get up out of bed. Talking seems unbelievably difficult. Basically you suffer. The body and the brain get together and beat the crap out of you.
It is like being in a tunnel where it is impossible to see any light. My favorite analogy for myself is that it is like sitting at the bottom of a well. Sometimes people come and peer over the edge but they can't quite ever reach you . You are too far down.
Every loss you have ever felt in your life comes back at you full force. Memories you do not want to re-live play over and over in your mind leaving you hollowed out and at their mercy. "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" seems more than appropriate for the place you find yourself in. You are one raw exposed skinless creature cowering in fear and pain. But there is nowhere to hide. Your mind offers you no relief.
The thoughts pour in then as you begin to drown. The thoughts are all about being worthless and the mantra of "I don't matter...I don't matter" begins to rain. Part of you struggles to retain some semblance of normalcy...get up...talk to someone...get a cup of tea...do a chore. But everything feels slow and painful...like you are trying to walk through nettles. All your mind wants to focus upon is ending that pain anyway that you can.
You start to think crazy things...like endless sleeps...or drowning...or running away...or harming oneself paradoxically to end/release all that pain.
It is comical in a way...so very melodramatic...larger than life. The pain becomes the very center of the universe and you are trapped there. Other people cannot see this or begin to understand this. "Why?" they might ask. "I don't know why...it just is." Not talking becomes easier and a way to save oneself that energy of explanation when there is none.
I was feeling this way some years ago. And I did not want to share this with family or friends. I didn't want to burden anyone with...me. I also didn't want to be judged. I wanted to handle this alone but when it became too much for me I made a decision. I decided to call a suicide hotline.
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