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Oh my gosh---- I've been thinking about that movie lately. It's one of those brilliant, sad creations that can be unbearable to watch. I think that Mary Tyler Moore was great as a cold, critical mother who obviously favored the older brother Conrad, and held such misplaced resentment and anger towards Conrad, adding to his feelings of guilt. But thankfully his father (Donald Sutherland) was such a patient, understanding source. Tough to watch, but a great example of festering guilt. And yes, learning that bad things happen and releasing that guilt is the only way to freedom. Great post.
Hey Merely Me,
You really know how to put tears in my eyes. I feel the same way about a loss
many years ago. It still lingers on at times. I wish I had never met her. (I don't know
if this is the correct thing to say). A loss is still a loss though. After reading about
the "little girl" in you , I just wanted to climb through these wires and give you a big
hug and tell you "It will be OK" Peace & Blessings .........Danny G.
Thank you Danny!
Yeah we all have our losses and sometimes it is cathartic to watch a movie or read something which allows us to release our own pain. I am so glad you stopped by to read me. Thanks for the hug...I will pass it along to whoever needs it today.
Please come by again to read and to share.
You have to agree that if you are blaming yourself of something something misleading has happened in your yesterday.Pls, does not matter what.
If we have aa depression, we are probe to see things bigger, mostly our faults.
We live scared of all the things the surround us; scared of our future.etc..etc..
Thus,notwithstanding the drug you are taking, I changed a lorry of peas in the last 8 years, we must put it under control.
Making a long story shot, take the best drug for you.BUT,TRY..TRY..TRY, for God´s sake,
to keep your brain trained against the above mentione situation.
It is just like working out your brain.
Think always positively pls, 90% of your problems everybody has.The main point is that nobody communicates, nobody gives you a hint or a clue.
The girl / guy that you are watching now is full of problems too.
You must manage them, simply like you manage your daily things.
Thoughts come and go away..think positively..
Have, only NO PROBLEM FRIENDS/ love/mates.I mean, you have your problems to get with, if a friend brings trhows youinto brainstorming for a problem solving, you´ll be diving in an issue that does not belong to you.
Do/ make the things you love most. You are not guilty. You came to this world to be happy and not sad. Aim it.!!!
Exorcise,take the OTHERS, third parties , OUT, OFF your body, even the IN - LAWS.cousins,relatives, bros. friends whatever...
Do not ask to the salesman if the shoes you are buying are beautiful OR not, you MUST decide, and you are going to buy them bbjust because you loved them.
DO NOT GIVE TO MUCH SATISFACTIONS.
JUST, do your own homework, go to your job and try to be the best....f...the rest.
Thank GOD every single morning for the day you are going to have.
Many people are dying in a hospital, are homeless, are starved, does not have a family, jobless and having to support the family , getting broke...THANK GOD..when you are going to sleep and when you wake -up.Ask HIM a wonderful day.
YOU HAVE A TANK OF FUEL TO MANAGE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.
That is the way you were born.
If your tank´s limit is 50 gallons, please WHY are you trying to spend 100 ? just tell me.
SO, Hence, when we feel guilty, we are the responsables for the though.
As I told you thoughts come and go away...
Relax before sleeping, all your muscles, fix your eye to a light, clear , clean up all you thoughts. Just pay attention to the light, that is the ONLY thing that will come to your brain for 3 minutes.
Increase 1 minute per week.After 1 month you tell me what has happened.
Everybody pays attention to the green of the neighbours grass.It is greener than ours.!
F..k..take care of you life, of your own grass.
We are never guilty in our ordinary things.They are 90% of our daily time.Hang it loose.!
ONLY if we ROB, STEAL, a bank..in this case we are really guilty...( joke ).
I hope you do not intend to do it so far...LADY GUILTY...( joke ).
TAKE ALL THE OTHERS FROM YOUR BODY, LIGHT FRIENDS, FROM NOW ON I WILL LEAVE WITH MY PROBLEMS ONLY, I DO NOT MUST GIVE SATISFACTION TO ANYBODY IN THIS LIFE, NOBODY PAYS MY BILLS, ONLY I AM AFFORD TO DO IT,LEARN TO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, FAMILY PROBLEMS BELONG TO THE FAMILY AND NOT ONLY TO YOU, SHARE THEM....
Last but not least :
" LEARN TO SAY ..NO..NO..NO..!!!!
I wish you the best of best.
aldo milani
amilani@ajato.com.br
Brasil.
Look behind and SEE how many people are worst than you are.
You have to agree that if you are blaming yourself of something something misleading has happened in your yesterday.Pls, does not matter what.
If we have aa depression, we are probe to see things bigger, mostly our faults.
We live scared of all the things the surround us; scared of our future.etc..etc..
Thus,notwithstanding the drug you are taking, I changed a lorry of peas in the last 8 years, we must put it under control.
Making a long story shot, take the best drug for you.BUT,TRY..TRY..TRY, for God´s sake,
to keep your brain trained against the above mentione situation.
It is just like working out your brain.
Think always positively pls, 90% of your problems everybody has.The main point is that nobody communicates, nobody gives you a hint or a clue.
The girl / guy that you are watching now is full of problems too.
You must manage them, simply like you manage your daily things.
Thoughts come and go away..think positively..
Have, only NO PROBLEM FRIENDS/ love/mates.I mean, you have your problems to get with, if a friend brings trhows youinto brainstorming for a problem solving, you´ll be diving in an issue that does not belong to you.
Do/ make the things you love most. You are not guilty. You came to this world to be happy and not sad. Aim it.!!!
Exorcise,take the OTHERS, third parties , OUT, OFF your body, even the IN - LAWS.cousins,relatives, bros. friends whatever...
Do not ask to the salesman if the shoes you are buying are beautiful OR not, you MUST decide, and you are going to buy them bbjust because you loved them.
DO NOT GIVE TO MUCH SATISFACTIONS.
JUST, do your own homework, go to your job and try to be the best....f...the rest.
Thank GOD every single morning for the day you are going to have.
Many people are dying in a hospital, are homeless, are starved, does not have a family, jobless and having to support the family , getting broke...THANK GOD..when you are going to sleep and when you wake -up.Ask HIM a wonderful day.
YOU HAVE A TANK OF FUEL TO MANAGE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.
That is the way you were born.
If your tank´s limit is 50 gallons, please WHY are you trying to spend 100 ? just tell me.
SO, Hence, when we feel guilty, we are the responsables for the though.
As I told you thoughts come and go away...
Relax before sleeping, all your muscles, fix your eye to a light, clear , clean up all you thoughts. Just pay attention to the light, that is the ONLY thing that will come to your brain for 3 minutes.
Increase 1 minute per week.After 1 month you tell me what has happened.
Everybody pays attention to the green of the neighbours grass.It is greener than ours.!
F..k..take care of you life, of your own grass.
We are never guilty in our ordinary things.They are 90% of our daily time.Hang it loose.!
ONLY if we ROB, STEAL, a bank..in this case we are really guilty...( joke ).
I hope you do not intend to do it so far...LADY GUILTY...( joke ).
TAKE ALL THE OTHERS FROM YOUR BODY, LIGHT FRIENDS, FROM NOW ON I WILL LEAVE WITH MY PROBLEMS ONLY, I DO NOT MUST GIVE SATISFACTION TO ANYBODY IN THIS LIFE, NOBODY PAYS MY BILLS, ONLY I AM AFFORD TO DO IT,LEARN TO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, FAMILY PROBLEMS BELONG TO THE FAMILY AND NOT ONLY TO YOU, SHARE THEM....
Last but not least :
" LEARN TO SAY ..NO..NO..NO..!!!!
I wish you the best of best.
aldo milani
amilani@ajato.com.br
Brasil.
Look behind and SEE how many people are worst than you are.
YRS , YES, MANY...I AM 62 Y.OLD.
IN VERY GOOD CONDITIONS .
PILATES, WORKING OUT, WEIGHT LIFTING, TRAVELLING OTO EUROPE AND WHERE I CAN..ETC..ETC,.
I AM ON HORMONE THERAPY...MARVELOUS.
MY PARENNTS ARRIVED IN THIS MARVELOUS COUNTRY DECEMBER, 28, 1928....FROM FLORENCE, ITALY.
I LIVE IN S.PAOLO, BRASIL, A KIND OF DETROIT, POLUTION, CARS ALL OVER, THE RESTAURANTS CAPITAL IN THE WORLD..
29000, FIRST CLASS, AND PIZZERIAS...THEY ARE BETTER THAN IN NAPLES ITALY, WHERE THE PIZZA WAS BORN.
HANG LOOSE.THINK ONLY ON YOURSELF.DO NOT GET CONTAMINATED.
I FEEL THIS FROM HERE.FROM THE WAY YOU PLACE YOUR WORDS.OK.K.??
AFTER 43 YEARS WORKING, IN MULTINATIONAL COS. I HAD A BURNOUT IN THE OFFICE. SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF FINANCES AND OPERATIONS.( AND SO WAHT ?? SHIT )
I WAS WORKING 17 HOURS A DAY. SANDWICHES, NO SOCIAL LIFE.SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS...NO FAMILY ATTENTION...IMAGINE.
ONLY LOOKING AFTER THE MANAGEMENT OF THE CO.
IT WAS A STRONG AMERICAN/ENGLISHCOMPANY. VERY DEMANDING. I SWEAR.
I REMAINED, VERY BAD, TRYING TO DO MY BEST BUT AFTER 8 MONTHS I CAPITULATED.
I LOST 23 KILOS, IN A DARK ROOM, ONLY HAVING THE PILLOWS AND MY DOG FOR FRIENDS.
NO FOOD, I COULD NOT EAT, MAKING ALL MY NECESSITIES IN THE BED, NO SHAVING, TEC..ETC..
CHANGING THE DRUGS AFTER 25 DAYS, WHEN THE RESULT, THEY SAID WOULD START.
BULLSHIT..!!
CHANGE THE DRUG AGAIN, AND AGAIN....E.C....I SAID F..K YOU..NO.
I WILL FIGHT..I WILL FIGHT..I WILL NOT GIVE UP...
MY PHISICIAN, THE BEST IN THE WORLD , WAGNER GATTAZ, FULL PROFESSOR OF S.PAULO UNIVERSITY NEUROSCIENCES,, AND HIDELBERG UNIVERSITY GERMANY, PRESCRIBED ME AN OLD DRUG, TRIPTANOL, AMINOTRIPILINE,50 YEARS IN THE MARKET, VERY CHEAP,OLD, PRIMATE, AND TOLD ME ...=
O.K. IT IS GOING TO WORK, BUT GET SET FOR THE SIDE EFFECTS...MY BOY O.K. !!!!
AFTER 10 DAYS I WAS SHAVING, TAKING A BATH, AND TRYING TO WALK...SOME STEPS.
AFTER 30 DAYS I WAS IN THE STREET WALKING,I WENT TO THE CHURCH TO THANK GOD, STARTED TO EAT AND DRING...BUT THE SIDE EFFECYS AS HE TOLD ME WERE AWFULL, CONSTIPATION, SLEEPLESS, TREMBLING, SWEATING, DRY MOUTH, ETC..ETC...YOU CAN NOT IMAGINE A NEEDLE...WHAT WAS IT.
WHAT A F... DISEASE MISS DEPRESSION IS...CARLA BRUNI OF THE HELL.!!!!
NOW I AM ON EFFEXOR 300, DEPAKOTE, 1G...BUT I AM TRYING TO TAKE THEM OUT OR DIMINISH THEM.
I AM ON HIPNOSE TOO. VERY , VERY, GOOD.BUT IT IS VERY HARD TO FIND A GOOD PHISICIAN.
THE MAJORITY SELL OIL SNAKE FOR TOOTHACHE...
I CAME BACK TO STUDY.2 YEARS I AM PREPARING MYSELF FOR INCOME TAX INSPECTOR, THE FINAL TEST , PROBABLY WILL BE AT THE END OF THE YEAR...
I READ A LOT, I LOVE FILMS, FRENCH, ENGLSH, ITALIAN, MOSTLY, FILMS THA FORCE YOU TO USE YOUR BRAIN..
I HATE MR. BUCE WILLYS, AND THE WHOLE GANG....
LIKE PACCINO, SCORCESE, DE NIRO, R
ROMANTIC MOVIES, LIGHT MOVIES, BECAUSE IN A BROADLY SCOPE THEY HELP YOU TO FEEL YOURSELF GOOD.
_________________________________________
I TOLD TOU AND PINPOITED YESTERDAY =
PLEASE STAY AWAY OF HEAVY, CLOUDY PEOPLE ( FRIENDS, RELATIVES,ETC..) THEY BRING YOU A NEGATIVE CHARGE.
IN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN, MY SUGGESTION DARLING, IS THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MENTION TO ANYBODY, ONLY MOM AND DADDY,HUSBAND ( ? ? ABOUT YOUR COMPLAINS AND DISEASE.
PEOPLE HAS THEIR OWN PROBLEMS.
THEY THINK FIRST IN THEIR PROBLEMS ..AND..IF THEY ARE ABLE THEY WILL THINK ON YOU...
MANAGE YOURSELF.
YOU DO NOT NEED 10 FRIENDS TO GO TO A RESTAURANT.TO THE MOVIES.ETC...
MORE FRIENDS MORE PROBLEMS.
WHY ?
DIFFERENT WAYS OF THINKING SOMETIMES ABOUT JUST ONE MATTER.
THEN THE PROBLEMS, ARGUES COME...
DO NOT GET EXPOSED...
READ A BOOK, WATCH A SELECTION OF GOOD MOVIES, I CAN RECOMEND TO YOU, HEAR CHOPIN, BETHOVEEN, BACH....CARLY SIMON, I DO NOT KNOW, THE BEATLES.ETC...
WHY YOU DO NOT STAR TO WRITE , JUST IN THE SCRATCH , SOMETHING ABOUT YOU, OR SOME MATTER YOU LOVE...
PUT YOUR IDEAS IN A PIECE OF PAPER...SCRATCH THEN AFTERWARDS DEVELOP IT..
FILL YOUR TIME...
FORGET YOUR DRUGS.
SCLEROSIS MULTIPLA, IS A PROBLEM TODAY, BUT THE MEDICINE IS FASTER THE A FORMULA 1 CAR NOWADAYS...GENETICS, GENS, MANY THINGS ARE BLOSSONING FOR GOS´S SAKE...PROBLABLY NEXT YEAR SOLUTIONS FOR ALL KIND OF CANCERS, DISEASE THAT WERE A STRONG PEAST 10 YEARS AGO TODAY ARE LIKE A FLU...
IMAGINE THAT...
YOU DO NOT HAVE AN ENDLES PROBLEM. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM THAT IS BEING STUDIED, SOLVED, RESOLVED.
I COMPLETELY SURE IT WILL BE...
DEPRESSION IS A PAIN IN THE A...BUT I AM LEAVING WITH IT FOR 8 YEARS.....I DO NOT GIVE A DAMN..BANANAS TO THE DEPRESSION...
I ONLY GO TO THE HIPNOSYS....
MY PHISICIAN THERAPIST NOW SEDS ME THE PRESCRIPTION BY MAIL.
I DO NOT PAY ANYTHING ANYMORE.
I PAID A LOT...
I AM JUST CONTROLLING IF I CAN REDUCE, DIMINISH THE DOSAGE.
__________________________________________________________________
YOU ARE A VERY BEATIFUL GIRL ( MY APOLOGIES TO YOUR HUSBAND ).
STAY ASIDE OF THE ONES YOU LOVE MOST.
TALK TO THEM, BUT NOT AS A PROBLEM BUT AS A NORMAL PERSON.
WE ARE NOT A PROBLEM.
REGARDING TO THIS LET ME TELL U WHAT HAPPENED =
FRIENDS...F...THEM..!
YOU CAN REALLY COUNT FIVE IN YOUR HANDS IF SO...
EVERYBODY DISAPPEARED FROM MY HOUSE, NOBODY WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON...I LOST 90 % OF THOSE WHO SAID THEY WERE " FRIENDS ".
I ERASED THEIR NAMES OFF MY DIARY..CROSS...ON THEIR NAMES.
WHEN U ARE O.K. EVERYBODY SEARCHES U.
WHEN U NEED ANYBODY, THEY DISAPPEAR.
LESSONS OF LIFE....VERY HARD BUT WE MUST, MUST, LEARN WITH....
THUS
EXORCISE THOSE WHO ARE BOTHERING YOU INSIDE YOUR BODY/SOUL...OUT..
AND FORGET THEM..YOU ARE BETTER THEM THEY ARE...STAY LIGHT...LOOSE..
THAT IS YOUR TARGET.
NO CONCERNS.
JUST BE SURE THT U HAVE THE BEST DOC BESIDE YOU.
FORCE , PUSH YOURSELF FOR A WALK, READ BOOKS,PROBABLY THERE IS A KIND OF WORKOUT THAT FITS WITH YOUR WISH...DO IT..
SWIMINIG...YOGA...PILATES...
FEWER FRIENDS ARE BETTER.
FATHER AND MOTHER, HUSBAND..ETC...FAMILY...NOT RELATIVES...
ELECT 5 FRIENDS..THAT U REALLY TRUST AND LOVE...ENJOY THEM.
IF NOT
STAY ALONE, IT IS GOOD TOO.
WITH CARE
THE BEST OF THE BEST
MY EMAIL IS
amilani@ajato.com.br
S.PAULO SP
BRASIL...
GOD BLESS YOU AND AL YOURS...
STAY SAFE.
NOT AT ALL....IN BRAZIL IT MEANS ...F...K IT..!!!
BANANAS TO MY BOSS !
BANANAS TO ..!
IN ENGLAND WE HAVE ANOTHER EXPRESSION..KISS...!!!
O.K.
I AM NOT TRYING TO DRAG MY HANDS OVER YOUR HAIR AS A KIND OF A POOR AND CHEAP WAY OF CONSOLATION...
WHAT I TOLD YOU IS WHAT I DEEPLY FEEL.
WHAT I FELT ON MY OWN SKIN.
I AM TRANSFERING TO YOU MY FEELINGS OF 8 YEARS AGO, AND WHAT I DID TO GET OUT OF THE BANANAS...
I JUST ARRIVED FROM MY HYPNOSIS. I SLEPT FOR 1 HOUR. NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE, DURING THE DAY, IMAGINE ?
FINALLY HE CHANGED MY DRUG , DEPAKOTE OUT, TOPAMAX IN....
I GOT FAT 6 KILOS WITH DEPAKOTE...
I DIET SINCE I WAS 25.NO BALLY.I HATE TO SEE MEN WITH THAT BEAUTIFUL PREGNANCY STATE OF MIND/ TUMMY.( VERY COMMON IN U.S.INCREDIBLE ).
I ALWAYS WORKED OUT. JIU -JITSU, FOR 12 YEARS, AIKI-DO, FOR 3 YEARS, NOW I AM ON YOGA , MEDITATION ( IT WOULD BE MARVELOUS FOR YOU ) AND PILATES.
I HAVE A FRIEND WITH M.S.TOO.
SHE SWIMNS EVERYDAY.NEVER GIVES UP.....
MOVIES, THEATRE, SHOWS, CONFERENCES, ETC....HER BRAIN IS ALWAYS IN FULL SPEED. A FERRARI.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BRAZIL IS 10 STEPS AHEAD IN THE STEM CELLS PROGRAM.
THE PROF OF UNIVESITY SAN PAOLO, ARRIVED FROM ISRAEL AND IS WORKING HARD MOSTLY TO SOLVE HOW TO MEND DISEASES LIKE M.S. AMONG OTHERS.
IF YOU WANT I CAN GIVE YOU HER ADDRESS OR EMAIL.
I WILL TALK WITH PROF. WAGNER GATTAZ AND SEND TO U.
IT IS UP TO U.
JUST TELL ME IN WHAT POINTS I CAN HELP YOU EFFECTIVELY.
NOT SINGLE WORS.
TIME RUNS FAST.LET US RUN WITH IT, STEP BY STEP.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
YESTERDAY, WAS YESTERDAY.
HAS PASSED AWAY.
IT WILL NEVER COME BACK..NEVER..CONFORT YOURSELF.
YOU HAVE A 50 GALLONS TANK.
FOCUS,ALL YOUR ENERGIES IN TODAY...TOMORROW NOBODY NOW WHT WILL HAPPEN.
DO NOT SPEND YOUR GAS. UNNECESSARILY.YOUR ENERGY WORTHS MILLIONS.
WHEN WE ARE DEPRESSED, I REPEAT OUR OPINIONS ARE LOUSY, ALWAYS BAD THINGS COME TO OUR MIND.
JUST FORGET IT.
OCCUPY YOUR TIME.
IF YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW I WILL TELL YOU .O.K. ???
IMMAGINE THAT 8 YEARS AGO I HAD A 7 DIGITS ANNUAL SALARY.
FROM ONE MOMENT TO ANOTHER I LOST EVERYTHING.INCLUDING THE JOB..FRIENDS, BIRD, DOG, ITALIAN SUITS, PANTS, ( JOKE ).
BANANAS TO THE DEPRESSION...
I AM HERE TO HELP.
IF..IF...YOU WANT ANY FURTHER COOPERATION.
RGS
ALDO MILANI
I lost my father too, but I was older, and had the fortune of having the security of a loving father growing up. Its funny though, through the teen years and then becoming a man... you forget sometimes how to tell another man... even your father... that you love him. I rather saw him as indestructable and somehow I refused to see that his illness, when it came, was very serious. It was the way we dealt with eachother... small talk... how's it going... sorta stuff. His illness hid his personalily from me in the end. I only realized too late that there were things I wish i had told him. When he died on the operating table, I was left in rather a state of disbelief for a while, a year or so. I lived a life somehow not me and trying to imitate him I suppose, but underneath I was so angry with myself for what I missed. We had missed. It took me a while to get over it and I think it did involve forgiving myself and allowing myself to think beyond to the life lived and the good things. The bad too for that matter, but a life lived. I was wrong of course... i could have done better. But I was never perfect, nor was he. But he was smart enough to know I loved him. I should have realized that all along. He was a good father.
your story brought up so many things. my mother died very suddenly when i had just turned 9, and it took me literally 30 years to shed a single tear. not because i didn't love her, i don't know why it was. my life went on, and i became a grown-up and had kids. my daughter, when she was 8, was diagnosed with an end-stage heart failure, and soon after had a (very successful) heart transplant. though my father disagrees, i think my mother died of the same disease. in another odd coincidence, my mother's nickname was "robbie," and we named my daughter robin after her - not knowing at the time how robin's life would unfold or that in saving her life, i had sort of a chance to save my mothers, although i've never felt responsible for my mother's death. so many "i wonders" about what my life would have been like if i'd had a mother growing up, if maybe i would not find myself at 50 feeling like i had screwed up my "formative years." (i hope this isn't too long a story, but what brought the tears was my being at a retreat weekend, finding myself alone in my cabin, and thinking of robin, and telling her how sorry i was that this had to happen to her- more guilt! - then suddenly i was sobbing for my mother. i found i wasn't crying for her, but for me.) so, there's guilt that i hadn't cried for all those years, guilt over my daughter having to deal with all the trauma she had at 8 years old, and, oddly, guilt that, when i'd tell people her story, they would say that their problems seemed so small in comparison. i would explain that their problems were every bit as large and real as mine - a little guilty i guess for stealing center stage. i no longer carry the guilt about the not crying for her, but i think about her every day, and i miss her terribly.
I am so blown away by this. wow.
It does always seem that whatever we are dealing with in our lives at that moment, can also carry the weight of the past. One crisis or loss reminds us of another.
I am so sorry about your mom. Losing a parent at such an early age has a devastating effect on a child. Sometimes there is no time for much emotion because you are too busy surviving.
And the story of your daughter...what a remarkable story!
I am so very glad that you finally did get that opportunity to cry and to grieve a little. I am hoping that it brought you some peace. We never stop missing people we lose.
Please do keep writing and sharing. Your story....your experiences will help others...I know this. Thank you so much for your comment. You are an amazing person.
Hi Merelyme!
Love this post. Yeah, I can really relate to guilt. It seems to be my middle name, growing up in a Jewish home. Everything I did from about sixth grade on wasn't good enough, I was constantly being compared to cousins, to peers... and never able to measure up.
i still feel guilty for a lot of things. I feel guilty I have not blessed my parents with a grand child. I feel guilty that I am not earning six figures like everyone else in my family. I feel guilty I am not a success in the sense of the word.
It took a long time to break those tapes. it's just recently that I can look in the mirror an say "I am beautiful", I can tell myself "I am intelligent". "I am a good friend".
True, I may be a success in the sense of the word. I may be on disability, but I know once I get the med cocktail right, I can look for part time work and take baby steps to get back to full time work and back in a news room again.
It's going to take awhile. This past year I almost died from a med cocktail- I flatlined. It brought clarity to my life, and made me realize the things I cannot change, and not to give into guilt anymore.
I am grateful for you blog, and learned so much from you. And no way do you look your age-not at all.
I am so happy and so grateful you came to visit me here susan!
You totally embody everything that means "friend." And you are intelligent and beautiful and all of those things.
Hey...after all the things you have been through in your life...you absolutely are a success. So many things are superficial and fleeting. Jobs and money can be taken away in a heartbeat. But the ability to not only to survive but to give back to others in a genuine way...that is what it is all about in my book. And you do this in spades.
Sorry to gush...I am just so delighted you are here. Thank you friend for coming and sharing.
Dear Merely Me, 9/17/08
Even when we attempt to let go of such pivotal figures in our lives it is an impossibility because they have become part of us. As much as we think we are individuals, we must admit that we are composites of the people who raised us, and those with whom we have bonded. I have internalized my parents' morality, lifestyle, dreams, and a host of other factors I cannot fathom. And I am reminded of that in small ways, usually deja vu, when I realize I have just said something to another, which my father said to me. That is why I agree with your premise that grieving never stops. It is a relief, though, to know that I can put my grief in some sort of perspective so that I don't have to cry everytime I think of the loss of my kitty/best friend. Although I fell apart at the time, I can push on with my life now.
A good title of your above-writing might be: "Survivor's Guilt." rar1951
After reading a few of the comments of people like me who suffer in silence year after year I wonder when will it stop. I for the most part do well but these last few years I have worked for one of the most cruelest person alive. It has caused me to shrink up and break down and by the morning suck it up and be a happy face again. By the way I am a school counselor and the witch is a principal. What irony. All I want to do is help people and all she wants to do is destroy me. It is incredible how I can't seem to get a transfer out because of her and yet she continues to punish me in a way that I can't fight back with out looking like an oagre. I will keep on but it is literally killing me. Lord I need a miracle!
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I know you're right, you never forget.
Stopping the future for anyone is harder than stopping it for yourself. Even so, it's you left with the consequences, it's you in many cases, able to think, with time, of ways you could, maybe, have changed outcomes.
Sometimes, it's just too freakin' late.
I'm sorry for what you faced and carried. Such a personal, deep well you have to reach into. If it means anything, you make it clearer to me than ever before. There's nothing I can do now, I just knew I could have, maybe. I didn't even try. I've used Fate as the culprit, my excuse. Beautiful post.
Thank you so much. Yeah...you can't rewind time. You cannot change what is. Yet we (I) wish that I could somehow. Your comment is touching. I can tell that you understand where I am coming from.
I do hope you keep reading...