The Guilt Magnet

I know you're right, you never forget.

Stopping the future for anyone is harder than stopping it for yourself. Even so, it's you left with the consequences, it's you in many cases, able to think, with time, of ways you could, maybe, have changed outcomes.

Sometimes, it's just too freakin' late.

I'm sorry for what you faced and carried. Such a personal, deep well you have to reach into. If it means anything, you make it clearer to me than ever before. There's nothing I can do now, I just knew I could have, maybe. I didn't even try. I've used Fate as the culprit, my excuse. Beautiful post.

Oh my gosh---- I've been thinking about that movie lately.  It's one of those brilliant, sad creations that can be unbearable to watch.  I think that Mary Tyler Moore was great as a cold, critical mother who obviously favored the older brother Conrad, and held such misplaced resentment and anger towards Conrad, adding to his feelings of guilt. But thankfully his father (Donald Sutherland) was such a patient, understanding source. Tough to watch, but a great example of festering guilt.  And yes, learning that bad things happen and releasing that guilt is the only way to freedom.  Great post.

Hey Merely Me,

 You really know how to put tears in my eyes.  I feel the same way about a loss

many years ago. It still lingers on at times. I wish I had never met her. (I don't know

if this is the correct thing to say). A loss is still a loss though. After reading about

the "little girl" in you , I just wanted to climb through these wires and give you a big

hug and tell you "It will be OK" Peace & Blessings    .........Danny G.

You have to agree that if you are blaming yourself of something something misleading has happened in your yesterday.Pls, does not matter what.

If we have aa depression, we are probe to see things bigger, mostly our faults.

We live scared of all the things the surround us; scared of our future.etc..etc..

Thus,notwithstanding the drug you are taking, I changed a lorry of peas in the last 8 years, we must put it under control.

Making a long story shot, take the best drug for you.BUT,TRY..TRY..TRY, for God´s sake,

to keep your brain trained against the above mentione situation.

It is just like working out your brain.

Think always positively pls, 90% of your problems everybody has.The main point is that nobody communicates, nobody gives you a hint or a clue.

The girl / guy that you are watching now is full of problems too.

You must manage them, simply like you manage your daily things.

Thoughts come and go away..think positively..

Have, only NO PROBLEM FRIENDS/ love/mates.I mean, you have your problems to get with, if a friend brings trhows youinto  brainstorming for a problem solving, you´ll be diving in an issue that does not belong to you.

Do/ make the things you love most. You are not guilty. You came to this world to be happy and not sad. Aim it.!!!

Exorcise,take the OTHERS, third parties , OUT, OFF your body, even the IN - LAWS.cousins,relatives, bros. friends whatever...

Do not ask to the salesman if the shoes you are buying are beautiful OR not, you MUST decide, and you are going to buy them bbjust because you loved them.

DO NOT GIVE TO MUCH SATISFACTIONS.

JUST, do your own homework, go to your job and try to be the best....f...the rest.

Thank GOD every single morning for the day you are going to have.

Many people are dying in a hospital, are homeless, are starved, does not have a family, jobless and having to support the family , getting broke...THANK GOD..when you are going to sleep and when you wake -up.Ask HIM a wonderful day.

YOU HAVE A TANK OF FUEL TO MANAGE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.

That is the way you were born.

If your tank´s limit is 50 gallons, please WHY are you trying to spend 100 ? just tell me.

SO, Hence, when we feel guilty, we are the responsables for the though.

As I told you thoughts come and go away...

Relax before sleeping, all your muscles, fix your eye to a light, clear , clean up all you thoughts. Just pay attention to the light, that is the ONLY thing that will come to your brain for 3 minutes.

Increase 1 minute per week.After 1 month you tell me what has happened.

Everybody pays attention to the green of the neighbours grass.It is greener than ours.!

F..k..take care of you life, of your own grass.

We are never guilty in our ordinary things.They are 90% of our daily time.Hang it loose.!

ONLY if we ROB, STEAL, a bank..in this case we are really guilty...( joke ).

I hope you do not intend to do it so far...LADY GUILTY...( joke ).

TAKE ALL THE OTHERS FROM YOUR BODY, LIGHT FRIENDS, FROM NOW ON I WILL LEAVE WITH MY PROBLEMS ONLY, I DO NOT MUST GIVE SATISFACTION TO ANYBODY IN THIS LIFE, NOBODY PAYS MY BILLS, ONLY I AM AFFORD TO DO IT,LEARN TO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, FAMILY PROBLEMS BELONG TO THE FAMILY AND NOT ONLY TO YOU, SHARE THEM....

Last but not least :

" LEARN TO SAY ..NO..NO..NO..!!!!

I wish you the best of best.

aldo milani

amilani@ajato.com.br

Brasil.

Look behind and SEE how many people are worst than you are.

You have to agree that if you are blaming yourself of something something misleading has happened in your yesterday.Pls, does not matter what.

If we have aa depression, we are probe to see things bigger, mostly our faults.

We live scared of all the things the surround us; scared of our future.etc..etc..

Thus,notwithstanding the drug you are taking, I changed a lorry of peas in the last 8 years, we must put it under control.

Making a long story shot, take the best drug for you.BUT,TRY..TRY..TRY, for God´s sake,

to keep your brain trained against the above mentione situation.

It is just like working out your brain.

Think always positively pls, 90% of your problems everybody has.The main point is that nobody communicates, nobody gives you a hint or a clue.

The girl / guy that you are watching now is full of problems too.

You must manage them, simply like you manage your daily things.

Thoughts come and go away..think positively..

Have, only NO PROBLEM FRIENDS/ love/mates.I mean, you have your problems to get with, if a friend brings trhows youinto  brainstorming for a problem solving, you´ll be diving in an issue that does not belong to you.

Do/ make the things you love most. You are not guilty. You came to this world to be happy and not sad. Aim it.!!!

Exorcise,take the OTHERS, third parties , OUT, OFF your body, even the IN - LAWS.cousins,relatives, bros. friends whatever...

Do not ask to the salesman if the shoes you are buying are beautiful OR not, you MUST decide, and you are going to buy them bbjust because you loved them.

DO NOT GIVE TO MUCH SATISFACTIONS.

JUST, do your own homework, go to your job and try to be the best....f...the rest.

Thank GOD every single morning for the day you are going to have.

Many people are dying in a hospital, are homeless, are starved, does not have a family, jobless and having to support the family , getting broke...THANK GOD..when you are going to sleep and when you wake -up.Ask HIM a wonderful day.

YOU HAVE A TANK OF FUEL TO MANAGE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.

That is the way you were born.

If your tank´s limit is 50 gallons, please WHY are you trying to spend 100 ? just tell me.

SO, Hence, when we feel guilty, we are the responsables for the though.

As I told you thoughts come and go away...

Relax before sleeping, all your muscles, fix your eye to a light, clear , clean up all you thoughts. Just pay attention to the light, that is the ONLY thing that will come to your brain for 3 minutes.

Increase 1 minute per week.After 1 month you tell me what has happened.

Everybody pays attention to the green of the neighbours grass.It is greener than ours.!

F..k..take care of you life, of your own grass.

We are never guilty in our ordinary things.They are 90% of our daily time.Hang it loose.!

ONLY if we ROB, STEAL, a bank..in this case we are really guilty...( joke ).

I hope you do not intend to do it so far...LADY GUILTY...( joke ).

TAKE ALL THE OTHERS FROM YOUR BODY, LIGHT FRIENDS, FROM NOW ON I WILL LEAVE WITH MY PROBLEMS ONLY, I DO NOT MUST GIVE SATISFACTION TO ANYBODY IN THIS LIFE, NOBODY PAYS MY BILLS, ONLY I AM AFFORD TO DO IT,LEARN TO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, FAMILY PROBLEMS BELONG TO THE FAMILY AND NOT ONLY TO YOU, SHARE THEM....

Last but not least :

" LEARN TO SAY ..NO..NO..NO..!!!!

I wish you the best of best.

aldo milani

amilani@ajato.com.br

Brasil.

Look behind and SEE how many people are worst than you are.

I lost my father too, but I was older, and had the fortune of having the security of a loving father growing up.  Its funny though,  through the teen years and then becoming a man... you forget sometimes how to tell another man... even your father... that you love him.  I rather saw him as indestructable and somehow I refused to see that his illness, when it came, was very serious.  It was the way we dealt with eachother... small talk... how's it going... sorta stuff.  His illness hid his personalily from me in the end.  I only realized too late that there were things I wish i had told him.  When he died on the operating table, I was left in rather a state of disbelief for a while, a year or so.  I lived a life somehow not me and trying to imitate him I suppose, but underneath I was so angry with myself for what I missed.  We had missed.  It took me a while to get over it and I think it did involve forgiving myself and allowing myself to think beyond to the life lived and the good things.  The bad too for that matter, but a life lived.  I was wrong of course... i could have done better.  But I was never perfect, nor was he.  But he was smart enough to know I loved him.  I should have realized that all along.  He was a good father.

your story brought up so many things. my mother died very suddenly when i had just turned 9, and it took me literally 30 years to shed a single tear. not because i didn't love her, i don't know why it was. my life went on, and i became a grown-up and had kids. my daughter, when she was 8, was diagnosed with an end-stage heart failure, and soon after had a (very successful) heart transplant. though my father disagrees, i think my mother died of the same disease. in another odd coincidence, my mother's nickname was "robbie," and we named my daughter robin after her - not knowing at the time how robin's life would unfold or that in saving her life, i had sort of a chance to save my mothers, although i've never felt responsible for my mother's death. so many "i wonders" about what my life would have been like if i'd had a mother growing up, if maybe i would not find myself at 50 feeling like i had screwed up my "formative years." (i hope this isn't too long a story, but what brought the tears was my being at a retreat weekend, finding myself alone in my cabin, and thinking of robin, and telling her how sorry i was that this had to happen to her- more guilt! -  then suddenly i was sobbing for my mother. i found i wasn't crying for her, but for me.) so, there's guilt that i hadn't cried for all those years, guilt over my daughter having to deal with all the trauma she had at 8 years old, and, oddly, guilt that, when i'd tell people her story, they would say that their problems seemed so small in comparison. i would explain that their problems were every bit as large and real as mine - a little guilty i guess for stealing center stage. i no longer carry the guilt about the not crying for her, but i think about her every day, and i miss her terribly.

Hi Merelyme!

Love this post. Yeah, I can really relate to guilt. It seems to be my middle name, growing up in a Jewish home. Everything I did from about sixth grade on wasn't good enough, I was constantly being compared to cousins, to peers... and never able to measure up.

i still feel guilty for a lot of things. I feel guilty I have not blessed my parents with a grand child. I feel guilty that I am not earning six figures like everyone else in my family. I feel guilty I am not a success in the sense of the word.

It took a long time to break those tapes. it's just recently that I can look in the mirror an say "I am beautiful", I can tell myself "I am intelligent". "I am a good friend". 

True, I may be a success in the sense of the word. I may be on disability, but I know once I get the med cocktail right, I can look for part time work and take baby steps to get back to full time work and back in a news room again. 

It's going to take awhile. This past year I almost died from a med cocktail- I flatlined. It brought clarity to my life, and made me realize the things I cannot change, and not to give into guilt anymore. 

I am grateful for you blog, and learned so much from you. And no way do you look your age-not at all. 

hey d

it was a great flick... nice to see you posting again

Dear Merely Me,                                                             9/17/08

                           Even when we attempt to let go of such pivotal figures in our lives it is an impossibility because they have become part of us.  As much as we think we are individuals, we must admit that we are composites of the people who raised us, and those with whom we have bonded.  I have internalized my parents' morality, lifestyle, dreams, and a host of other factors I cannot fathom.  And I am reminded of that in small ways, usually deja vu, when I realize I have just said something to another, which my father said to me.  That is why I agree with your premise that grieving never stops.  It is a relief, though, to know that I can put my grief in some sort of perspective so that I don't have to cry everytime I think of the loss of my kitty/best friend.  Although I fell apart at the time, I can push on with my life now.

                                 A good title of your above-writing might be:  "Survivor's Guilt."  rar1951