I don't believe that when we lose someone, that grieving ever truly stops.  Perhaps we put things into a more logical order, we gain some perspective, and move along with our lives.  But we never stop thinking about the person and the what ifs.  I do often wonder about my father.  Why did he drink?  Why did he continue to do so after he was warned that he could lose his life?  The adult in me knows some of the answers.  I have personally worked with people having addictions.  Yes, I know it is a disease.  Yes I realize that he had a biological problem which he could not get control over.  The adult in me rationalizes and understands.  But the little girl who was left without a father, she does not understand.

The little girl in me yells out like Conrad did in the movie, "Why did you have to die?  Why did you let go?"  And then the ultimate question comes out, "Was it me?  Was I not enough to keep you around?"  The little girl, who was left alone, can not quite understand what happened and that it wasn't her fault. 

Part of depression is this neurotic guilt we feel for things which we know we logically had no control over, yet we feel responsible for anyway.  Emotions are tricky little things, elusive to the nature of our thinking and reason. 

I feel that over the years I have come to somewhat of a tentative conclusion as to why we do this to ourselves.  I believe that much guilt comes from the wish to be able to control things.  If we are ultimately responsible for everything, then we have the super human power to change things.  We feel more in control in holding onto our guilt.  "Next time," we reason, "I won't let any bad things happen.  I will keep all the bad things at bay.  I will be better and therefore disaster will not strike again."  Depression gives us these illusions.  The truth of the matter is that bad things will happen again.  Things will certainly happen which are beyond our control.  To embrace the truth seems cruel.  Guilt seems a better solution. 

I can tell you personally that it is not.  As Doctor Berger tells Conrad, "It is good to be alive."  There is no shame in survival.  You are not responsible for those things which you had no control over. 

Grief, loss, guilt...I am still in the process of letting go.  I am not there yet.  I am merely reporting the process.  I do hope my words today have helped someone reading this to make that attempt to let go as well.

It is not your fault.  You can live now.  Give yourself permission.