How to Win Friends and Influence People When You are a Depressed Introvert

MessageI

i am an introvert living in a family of extroverts (except the cat - he and i understand each other). i do great with small groups, for short periods, or large groups that i know, for short periods, or one-on-one for longer periods. but like so many other things, introversion is just something i accept. like a lot of other character traits, the world at large looks at introversion as an abberation, something that needs to be fixed or overcome. here at age 50, i don't. i'm an introvert, and that's who i am. the rest of the world can either accomodate me, or just leave me alone. i don't feel that i need to change for other people's comfort. i truly love being alone and being quiet. i have very few friends, and even fewer good friends, and that's fine with me. take me or leave me. as popeye said, "i yam what i yam, and that's all that i yam."

I prefer to be alone. But then, with a cat, you are never really alone, are you?

I meant to say "Dale Carnegie" at the beginning of my article.  I think my MS is taking over my brain!  Ahhhh!

My interest was peaked by your admission of fear of large groups. I sit possible, do you suppose, to be in both positions?  Since I am afflicted with a speaking disorder, I can no longer be the person I used to be when speaking. Even in 1-1 preferred situation, I stammer and find my listener asking me to repeat myself. The frustration leads me to isolation, and this to depression. Though I have suffered repeated bouts of depression all my life, I have never been diagnosed as clincally depressed.  I do however, give it everything I have to enter into discussion as I am by nature interested, and used to be interesting. Now I turn to writing, as here, for my satisfaction, as the words can flow easily from the finger tips, rather than haltingly from quivering lips. (A poet too perhaps.)  So this introvert that is inherent within, as well as the extrovert who would show up when secure in subject matter; interested in finding out what the other thinks or believes, is relegated to quite a different challenge in my latter years.  I ask if there is another out there who is of this same bent? If so, I would surely enjoy the privildge of your company here. 

Thank you so much for that.  I never did well in large groups, always prefered one to one or two.  I just don't do small talk well at all.  Hate parties for that reason.  And being depressed on top of it - forget it!  Maybe I'm too intense, but I just don't know any other way....  that's going to have to be ok!  Good for you for trying that group though!

Again, thanks.  Makes me feel not so alone.

Mara

i suffer from anxiety and agoraphobia. i was confined to my bedroom for a while. i am slowly dealing with it. i always wanted to be the type of person that just feels comfortable around people. even when its just one on one thats too much for me.. i cant make eye contact, i move a lot, i bite my nails, i play with my ring. i force myself into uncomforable situations to help me get over my irrational fear. last year things were so bad i needed to drop out of college. i actually bought a book called when panic attacks.. and as long as you put the time into it, it really helps.

It has always been easy for me to spot the introvert. He ( or she) is the person standing off in the other corner.

I think we introverted ones envy the extroverts at parties and get togethers. I have watched certain friends of mine light up at gatherings. I remember one in particular. We were close friends, but at a party, or meeting, or any gathering, we always ended up going in the opposite directions. He generally took the floor, for he was also a born comedian. I would hide and marvel, and occasionally check my watch for an appropriate time to exit. Sometimes I was simply entertained. A really good extrovert really takes the pressure off.

But I wouldn't trade really. I like my aloneness and I find "myself" there. Note I do not say loneliness. No, that would be the other places.

Still, we all do need friends, and we all have coworkers, and there will be the gatherings. It would be nice to be able to energize instead of deenergize at these times. I applaud your effort to improve, if that is the word. The thought of a whole room full of introverts makes me smile. It seems impossible with only four corners. Ha. I forget. Even a round room has corners for introverts.

To Merely Me,

I often feel uncomtortable in social groups. And go out of the way to avoid them.

I used to think I had to overcome my fear, but have learned ,with help from my therapist, that it is ok to be quiet and enjoy friends on a one on one basis (or a very small gathering of good friends. It is who I am , and this is OK.

I do not feel it is selfish to be quiet. Often I enjoy reading and sitting out in nature.

I love my friends and my husband dearly, but there are times I need to withdrawl.

We each have different personalities.

I think you are a wonderful writer. You have many talents. Please like yourself for

who you are.

From a quiet person,

debj

I do am a social introvert although I am a bit more than depressed, I am bipolar. My shyness keeps me from trying to interact with others and the feeling that I am somehow less-than. I have never felt a "part of" so I try to accept this as my normal. I am gratified to know that I am not alone. I try also to overcome this but I can only handle it for a short while before I run out of steam. I think I will always try, but, I give myself permission to go home when I have had enough.

Hi Merely Me--

I just wanna say again how much I love this site.  I know I'm a dork, but I feel like you hit on many uncomfortable truths and then so many people come out and respond to you.  Thanks.

I tend towards shyness.  I'm definitely an introvert and over the years I've gotten better, but I feel the most awkward in group academic settings.  I panic when oral reports are assigned, and I try to go first and get the thing over with. I hate introducing myself to a new class.  On the other hand, I don't have as much of a phobia in casual settings with new people.  It's just something about school or formal settings and introducing myself. Brings me back to being a shy kid I guess.

I've read a really good book called The Introvert Advantage which explains so many things that I never understood about myself:  being drained by too many activities, too much talking, not enough personal time, my fear of roller coasters (too stimulating), and the way I talk slower and more deliberately than extroverts.

I think I'm a bit introverted (left of center), but I imagine it is very difficult to be highly introverted, where lots of panic happens and people want to hide in their homes.  I guess the opposite situation is the extreme extrovert who can't find enough stimulation-- daredevils, public speakers, and exhibitionists?  I'd rather be a thoughtful, sincere introvert, thank you!

Jen

I'm a 39 yr old mother of a four+ yr old boy who is the most extroverted person I've ever known. I'm bipolar(but much more depressed than manic) and have been since at least puberty. I must admit that the way that I deal with most social situations is largely through alcohol. But I've found myself not leaving the house much since the birth of my son. My husband gets on me about it, about what I'm "doing to my son" not letting him socialize. (As if I don't know and already feel bad enough) I can't exactly drink a six pack and head down to the playground though. I also prefer to be alone until I don't, then I'll go get my small dose of people. But my son doesn't "respect the 2 ft bubble" I need around me, why should he...he's four... so I feel like I never get enough alone time. I'm so bad that I can't even get into a chat room online. Boards are a little different. I know this all sounds really disconnected but my point is that when I am out with my son I dread when he says 'hi' to people all the time, even other kids, cause I'm afraid I'm going to have to have a conversation with another parent. For myself, being introverted isn't such a big deal. But now I don't know how I'm going to deal with this child of mine once he starts school. And yes I'm already on meds and seeing a shrink, for all the good it does. Anyone have any suggestions?

To Merely Me

  Thank you for your response concerning public speaking. However, no one seems to have responded to my particular conditions: that of being partly introvert and extrovert, but now unable to participate successfully in that part that is the extrovert, due to my inability to speak clearly. I have learned that there are many who contain both aspects in their personality. I do admist to the "sweaty palms" when confronting a large audience or critical gathering. I am not the born public speaker that my father was. As a former teacher, however, I was able to be effectivew and confident in my abilities.

  The isolation, depression I now experience is often due to my fears of not being accepted in situations due to my speach handicap. Is this such a unique situation?  Is there noone who suffers a similar dilemma?

New to the boards, any boards, so please bear with.

I can so totally relate, and would probably be too afraid to do what you did and go out to meet a "group" of people like you did. Wouldn't want to be seen as admitting I have a social "problem." Even to other w/the same issues.

Actually, I can do quite well at times, but usually need a drink (or 3) to do it. They don't call alcohol the social lubricant for nothing.

My husband's family are extreme extroverts, (but also big drinkers!), and think there is something wrong with me that I am not constantly out socializing and that I don't have 50 or 60 close friends. I prefer to be alone with a good book. That makes me a freak in their eyes. We go on vacation w/them every year and after that week I need another week to crawl into a hole and recover. Even my daughter is an extrovert and has commented that I don't have any friends. I do, (although I don't feel like I have any "real" friends, whatever they are) and I feel like we socialize plenty, but I just don't feel the need to constantly be around people. And small-talk to me is a foreign language.

Anyway, thanks for your writing. I enjoyed it.

I used to be completely at ease around strangers and could make new friends.  Then I  got married.  My now exhusband seemed to know everyone in the entire world.  Without fail, I would meet someone new and they would have some kind of connection to him or his family.  We spent 18 years in and out of court.  He took great delight in letting me know that he knew everything I was doing and where I was going.  This people would report everything to him and then he would ad a bunch of lies and accusations that the court always took at truth.  I did my best to stay away from him and his family but was accused of harrassing them so much that everyone believed it including the local police.  I was accused of stealing things I didn't even know existed.  The point is, is that I got to the point over years of this spying that I didn't trust anyone ever.  I ended up being anxiety ridden, depressed, hated being around people.  I have many problems now with anxiety attacks, depression, memory loss, blood pressure etc.  I have now been seperated for five years from a man I married from Texas who left me to live with one of my exhusbands friends.  I had moved out of state 600 miles away to get away from him.  That was the last straw.  I was hospitalized for several days and lost my job. 

I have been in school for three years trying to get an associates degree but am having a hard time with my memory.  Being forced to attend classes and interact with a bunch of strangers is horrendous.  I have had to leave class because of anxiety attacks.  I'm too ashamed to tell people execept for one instructor who is two weeks older than me.  I go to a psychiatrist but he I can't get to the point of telling him everything either.  Not only did he double my medication but added another one to it.  A month ago I was refused a job because of the medication I was taking.  I used to drive a truck but now can't do that. 

I started taking classes online so they could not force me to do "group" projects or so I thought.  I am now being forced to do just that.  After years of being betrayed by complete strangers, I find it painful being forced to do just that.  If it took 18 years to get this way, I am to the point that I don't want to try to get better.  My instructor keeps at me to find help.  Thinking about it only makes me cry and depressed more.

Hi...after reading some of the posts, I  found myself an introvert thinking how we neglect to believe we are of value, due to the 'social conformity' in society. I think due to my intoverted nature, I am more intuitive, sensitive, and can be more empathetic towards people. I also find if I am with a stranger, smiling is much easier than if I'm with a person I know, as I wonder what goes through their mind.  I too have an autistic?/adhd child and as a single parent, I'm exhausted most of the time.  I have to fight to not isolate myself from his attention...to me or wanting from me.  He is 12 and I am 55. He is dx'd with PDDnos which means he has his feet in autism spectrum in many areas but not enough to 'place an exact name' to his many different issues. I too have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I've found I go in spurts of low level energy to energy and getting a lot accomplished, then to my couch or bed to crash unless I have specific things or specific places I need to do or to be. If any other person cycles as this I'd love to hear your remedy...at the moment, I'm in one of the "couch' cycles with dishes unwashed and really feeling unworthy of life due to my lazy behavior.

You sound like you could be talking about me. I haven't found a group like myself thoughl I wish I could. People that I have known for years now look at me differently simce they know I have major depression. I decided to stop hiding it. New situations and new people make me want to crawl under a rock and hide. I just know people are looking at me and talking about me and my inadaquecies.

This sounds a lot like Asperger's syndrome.  My daughter, my son, myself, a 21 year old friend of ours, a 9 year old friend of my daughters', and other members of my family, we all have AS. 

I have many social problems myself.  All of the things you described, I experience them too.  I think you are very brave for going to the coffee shop to meet other people with social anxiety disorder.  It is HARD to live with... It doesn't help when it comes "built in".  LOL  But Good For You for getting "out there".

I am the total opposite (an Extravert), and I still have problems in social situations.  I have read Andrew Carnegie's book and your tact of asking Questions of others and letting them talk about them selves is just what he preaches.  Me, well I can't seem to shut up and go on and on about myself; not that I really have much to truely brag about.  I feel insignificant like no one will ever notice me if I don't speak up and toot my own horn.  Maybe I would have been better off if I had never been noticed.

Blue

I am the total opposite (an Extravert), and I still have problems in social situations.  I have read Andrew Carnegie's book and your tact of asking Questions of others and letting them talk about them selves is just what he preaches.  Me, well I can't seem to shut up and go on and on about myself; not that I really have much to truely brag about.  I feel insignificant like no one will ever notice me if I don't speak up and toot my own horn.  Maybe I would have been better off if I had never been noticed.

Blue

I so relate to being confident and outgoing at work. I am a nurse and can talk to patients, their families and even give presentations and participate in public meetings on subjects I feel passionately about without the crippling anxiety. Get me in the break room and the anxiety is manageable but increased. Any other social gathering, even with people I've known my entire adult life and my mind is blank, my mouth forgets how to speak and I make a hasty retreat. That is, if I've even made an appearance at all! My husband doesn't ever experience anxiety but forutnately is completely accepting and understanding. We are very comfortable with going to an event together, but then I return home to my comfort zone and he returns to the event to fulfull his social butterfly needs. I have forced myself into situations especially when my kids were young trying to make sure they didn't learn to be anxious, but my daughter is almost 23 and experiences alot of the same feelings. My son has mild anxiety, but is socially active.

Now I suffer with anxiety and agorophobia so it's sometimes nearly impossible just to leave the house, much less meet people.  I'd love to meet a new group of people like you did.  Sometimes, if I'm already out, like for an appointment, I'll stop by the bookstore to talk to the clerk for a few minutes just to have human contact.  I have kids, but they're teenagers, 'nuf said.  Truly, I think a large part of my anxiety about talking to people now comes from having several psychiatric diagnoses and not wanting anyone to know.  It really isolates me.