The Inconvenience of Depression: Like the Tears of a Clown

i think perhaps the hardest thing about depression - and the same thing about a lot of aspects of ms, fatigue mostly (and, i'm sure other similar conditions) is a lack of understanding from other people. i am very fortunate to have people around me who do understand when i back out of some prearranged plans, saying i just can't do it. but most people just don't understand that when i am in the grip of a depression event, or a bout of ms fatigue,  it is usually best if i stay home. there are hurt  feelings - why doesn't he want to go with me? - or people think i am antisocial or don't like them, or other such things. when all it is, is taking care of myself. mental problems are not understood to be just as crippling as physical ones. if i begged off a night out or a wedding because i had pneumonia or a broken leg, no one would give it a second thought.  depression and ms fatigue are recurring symptoms (often of the same disease) that to some degree the people who have those symptoms have no control over. i wish other people could understand that, just as when they have the flu and stay in bed, we withdraw (or whatever) as a means of taking care of ourselves.

That says it perfectly, merely me, we are trying.

One of my favorite songs, Tears of A Clown, and least liked thing to do. To act in public as I don't really feel. We do what we have to do, because life doesn't make exceptions.

My stubborness tends to make them anyway, I found in the end, those very exceptions I created just make depression worse, but still. To survive and function, I created facades, in line with your title. Your description is apt; the way you felt at the circus. Why can''t we be the carefree person, genuinely enjoying ourselves?  Why are we crying while smiling? Why don't people see how hard it is just to get even there. Thanks for saying it so well.

I remember going to a wedding right after I broke up with someone and was in a complete funk.  Went to the bachelorette party, the wedding, and the reception and had to pretend to be thrilled to be there.  The depression was situational, but it had the same effect of draining all of my spirit and I had no interest in chit-chatting with anyone at the table.  Even those I knew.  But especially those I didn't. 

The other end of this is that perhaps it is good to be forced to function.  It can get ones mind off on to other things.  I know it is easy to say and makes no sense when someone is depressed.  Still, the fact that you must function, say for your kids,  means someone needs you, and that you matter.

Merely me .. it does tend to happen at the most inconvenient times ... I agree , and that is when I wonder , isit depression, or anxiety ??

Often I have both affect me at the same time ... and it is frustrating .. as it prevents you from doing the things you feel you want to do ...

Well, tonite I am going to a mixer, and I am hoping that I can just get there .. once I am there , maybe it won't be so bad .. I desprately want to make a friend outside my cyber family and riends here ..

So, I am going with the mantra that I can .. and I will be me and just relax .. if I connect with someone that has the same likes or something , then it will be a victory with me ... if I do not find that connection (whether male or female ) than okay ..

As this Sat. , I am planning to get to a group meeting for people like me , and just observe , and maybe learn somen new techniques , as the old ones don't work ...

Thanks for another great post ... agserra

Outs

It is hard to function in the Business World when you are depressed.  You really can't go around telling everyone in the office you are depressed and that the last thing you feel like doing is being there. 

You must continue on your daily routine because of the need to get paid. 

It would negatively effect the image you are trying to cultivate if you fested up.  No one will think highly of you if they really knew.  You must be perceived as strong in the Business World and depression would certainly and wrongly be taken as a sign of weakness.  So, you must pretend everything is business as usual and that you are not the owner of all these depressed feelings.

None of my co workers would care if they learned I am depressed.  Also none of them would understand.  They would certainly come back with the usual everything is good, so why don't you feel better.

So, it is a silent struggle to get through the day and to get back home just to start again tomorrow.

This described my feelings exactly but I never could have put it into words. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone with these feelings

I am all about the being lost in depression and anxiety at the moment.  Work is all about being smiley and false.  It used to be that my apartment was my refuge but now I am feeling restless like a caged animal.  I have three days off from work and I don't know what to do with myself.

To everyone around me who actually sees me as I genuinely am when I am not pretending, the depression is mind-blowingly obvious.  I seem to have no joy in anything.  I tend to turn off the music while in the car or turn off the TV at home because I feel nothing, seem to deserve nothing.

I know it's just the depression and anxiety but it is affecting my entire life.  I know I am not alone but it feels that way.

Thanks for your openness and honest thoughts.

Weebs

HI I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANX...

ALSO,I WAS READING YOUR STORY "TEARS OF A CLOWN"...

AND,I WAS ABLE TO RELATE TO IT.ITS LIKE EVERYTHING YOU SAID,HIT RITE HOME.THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL,AND SOMEHOW I WAS INSPIRED BY YOUR STORY.I GUESS,THE POINT OF NOWING THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WAS A RELIEF.

SINCERLY,

ANGEL

Good morning, Merely Me.  Perhaps when you've finally beaten depression, you can change your name to Merrily Me :).  I thought long and hard about the inconvenience of depression and came to the conclusion that it's always a bad time to be depressed - there are so many things going on in our busy lives that no matter when it strikes, it's going to ruin something. 

I've suffered from depression since I was 14 years old.  And I have forced myself to act happy and attend functions, work, travel despite only wanting to hide under the covers of my bed.  However, being busy sometimes lessens the depression because I've focused on something other than my pain.  I even find myself enjoying the situation.  Occasionally, acting happy can make us happy - you know the old A.A. saying - "Fake it till you make it".  It's very hard to do this when the depression is so strong.  And, the energy required to get going is enormous.  But I think that being with other people away from my room helps me for awhile. 

Anywy, Merely Me, thanks for all the posts and information.  You're an awesome writer.  I hope that eventually someone finds the cure for depression and everyone in this forum becomes happy.  Wouldn't that be nice.

Cheers,

Curt

I was so depressed Monday that I had to call in sick to work, first time  over a year that it has been that bad. I can't stand it when friends and co-workers (two discrete groups, no overlap) tell me stuff like : " other people have it worse"- which makes me worry about the people I care about who have terrible problems that I am helpless to alleviate and only makes me more sad...fortunately, my day job requires almost no human interaction. Or maybe that's not such a good thing.

Tonight I have to produce two live music shows, which involves dealing with deadlines and lots of people. I would like to find a rock and crawl under it but I am hoping that the forced activity (something I usually love but dread when depressed) will make me stronger.

your picture is so beautiful.....you are a real beauty sister ,you could be a model......I can  understand your pain and i too suffer in many ways much like you do........God bless you precious sister.....you really are so beautiful.....be happy for some  of the little comforts we take for grannted.......try to think of some of the  good things in your life focus on some of the things that really make  you happy like the sun rise in the morning.... the laughter of the children...the soft purring of a kitty........the smile from another human soul.......peace be with you dear beautiful one........blessings and joy be yours today.....you deserve a break don't be so hard on yourself.....you are precious....

It was my senior year, I was graduating a year early. I should have been happy right? I was sleeping maybe 2 hours a night on the weekdays and 14-16 hours on the weekends. I couldn't have been more depressed. I was taking my medications regularly, telling my dr. everything he needed to know to help me. My mother pointed out to him that I was depressed, he didn't think it was a "big deal". I managed to get a 4.0 my senior year but only because I couldn't sleep for the worry that I would fail and make my last year of high school beneficial. The pressure I put on myself, as well what everyone else was giving me, made matters worse. Even when I won a full scholarship to ANY school I wanted I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even sleep in my own room because of my psychotic symptoms associated with my depression.

I know exactly what you mean. It happens just when you need to be up beat and happy the most.