I've been very good at accepting the results of things that happen to me. In fact, I usually am good at seeing where my actions caused things to work either for or against me. Where I have the most trouble is accepting things that happen to someone I love or care for - any child with a serious illness, a family member with cancer or deep depression. That is when I feel life is unfair.
I've never felt that life has been unfair to me. I've gotten what I deserve, either good or bad. But I have, right or wrong, felt life is greatly unfair to so many other people. This is where my "life sucks" thinking starts. I wish I could wrap an invisible shield around everyone in my life that would protect them from bad things.
My frustration, as a man, is that I cannot always protect those I care for most. I am not all powerful. I have a hard time accepting this and probably never will. This is my issue to resolve - to give up my sense of responsibility for everything bad that happens to my friends and loved ones. How do I do this?
I do understand what you are saying. It is the most natural thing in the world to wish to protect the ones you love. As a parent it is so emotionally wrenching to know that you can't do that all the time. You have to focus on the things you can control and let go of the rest. Thank you for your comment...it is much appreciated.
I just wanted to say Thank You for writing about being happy in the moment and letting go of our expectations. That is so true, but so hard to do. I, too, have suffered from depression for about 20 years. Every day is a new challenge and I have to work to make it through some days. I just want to be happy and joyful. Why is it so hard for some of us? It's nice to hear something positive, and to know I am not alone.
Lisa
Oh...your comment means so very much to me! Believe me...I am still going through the process too. I am not totally there yet...to fully accept. But this philosophy does help. We just all need gentle reminders at times. I am very grateful for your empathy and for sharing your experience here. Thank you.
" I will be happy when" is right on. Mostly we have our expectations and if we do not get them we find solace in our unhappiness. Better to blame and sulk and forget all the good things cause our expectations of the moment have let us down. Sometimes I wonder if people really want to be happy.
Hey...I have been to that place too. Sometimes life is about disappointment. There are times when you can cope with it and sometimes you just..feel you cannot. Being unhappy can be the default place you go because you don't know how else to be. But I guarantee that nobody truly wishes to be unhappy. I thank you for your thoughts.
This is both heartbreaking and hopeful - the story about you and your son is so moving!
In trying to think about my experience, there are a couple of things that come to mind. Sometimes setting goals, expectations, conditions about future well-being means you feel that you are not OK the way you are. You need more than you have now to become a "real" person - that's deeply ingrained from childhood when the first question an adult who's introduced to you will say is What do you want to be? Not what do you want to do, but be. That begins, I think, a life-long habit of looking to the future to be fully formed, successful or fulfilled in some way you're not.
Then there are things that you legitimately want to change - you imagine a future without that problem (the wrong job, a chronic illness). But it's a fine line between wanting to change an imposed circumstance and feeling that you can't be OK or accepting of your life even with that problem.
It's a hard thing to let go of all those expectations, but you've nailed an issue that goes to the heart of being human. Thank you!
wow John...you always give so much to think about. How true this is...we are asked from childhood on...what do you want to be? The emphasis is always on the future. Are we ever deemed okay as we are right now? With the flooding of all the self help books on the market...I am thinking the societal answer is no.
I truly wish to be okay with the me who exists right now. I am working on it.
I have bipolar disorder & attend Dialectical Behavioral Therapy classes to help me with me learn better coping & healthier living skills. They have a term in there called "radical acceptance" for those things in life that you cannot control & that are very distressful--the kinds of things that used to cause me to do harmful things to myself because I could not tolerate the anguish they caused.
My two children have had bad bouts with depression so it seems I have passed on the genes towards having difficulties with mental illness (my mother had bipolar & did end up committing suicide; thankfully, with treatment I am having better results). I have had to practice "radical acceptance" with my children's struggles. It has torn me apart that I have passed this horrible curse onto them.
How do you get through that and smile. All these simple problems are nothing compared to what I've been through. Getting a divorce after 25 years and doing the best. Before the divorce will be happening, there was a breach of trust with my so called husband having an affair with a 25 year old hussy, and also getting her pregnant. She already had an affair when she was 21 and had a child from that relationship, then she goes after my husband. She had been watching him for 8 months and heard a rumor he wanted a divorce.
As for my mental health, right when the affair was going on (and I didn't know), I was the best I had been in 10 years. Now I'm picking up the pieces at age 52. I get through one day a time.
I have been suicuidal and depressed. But I take my med's, see my shrink, and therapist. I am lucky to have my professional help and one doberman and 3 cats and 3 betta fish. I'll take unconditional love anytime.
But most important is to go to my bipolar groups. People understand there and sometimes I can help them as they help me.
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I think acceptance is more related to serenity, not necessarily happiness. What is happiness? There seem countless definitions on what it is and countless books on how to achieve it. It seems just a state of mind in each of us, often gained and lost, though I do understand that one can wish away their lives, while in it's pursuit.
I accept that things may not turn out as I wish; recognizing that they haven't seems to take such a long time.
I particularly like that you are pleased and love your son all the while working to give him more and receive more, "enjoying the right now." I can do that. I hope, it seems a good way to live. I just believe, right or wrong, it is the moment which defines us, sometimes we forget learned lessons.
This is such a well articulated...thoughtful comment. You may be right...acceptance is very much related to serenity and peace of mind. We bandy about the word, "happiness" but what does it mean exactly? perhaps I will write a post about that very question. You give me much to think about. Thank you for reading and responding so very genuinely.