You've lifted a heavy veil, this is very informative and brave; it couldn't be better organized. I Hope it helps someone. You could have hardly been more candid.
Thanks Paul
I was crying through writing some of this...it was hard. But well worth it if it helps someone out there going through the same thing. I noticed a lot of young girls on the site who were saying that they were doing this and....I had to write about my experience.
I really appreciate you reading this and for your support.
This has to be hard to write about, and I thank you. Being totally frightened by razors and needles, it was hard for me to read too. I admit total ignorance and lack of understanding of this subject, so for me it is truly helpful in terms of understanding why someone would be compelled to hurt themselves in this way. I would have thought it was an act toward suicide. It seems more like trying to cut off the finger to save the arm so to speak. Your a wonderful writer.
Another typical piece of wonderfully frank and brave writing that we have seen so often from you as a totally unselfish person trying to help others even when you have problems of your own that some of us mere mortals would find impossible to face.
Although this has not assisted me on the actual subject matter as I do not suffer, reading your post and understanding yet another depressive condition has further opened my eyes for me - thank you
Your article hits the nail on the head and I believe it will help others rather than harm anyone (like myself) that has experienced this for over 15 years of my life. I continued this practice til I was in my late forties and have been free of this self-torture for 1 year now. The best thing I did was to get rid of what triggered these actions (cutting & burning) which in my case........was an alcoholic, pot smoking addicted partner that was a huge liar and cheat and would not communicate in words when we had a huge problem...........instead he was physically & mentally abusive and never explained his actions with the truth and I just longed for the truth rather than to be consistently made a fool out of or made to believe that I was barking up the wrong tree and at fault. I thought if I left him I would miss out on any love I could get from him at times but I am better off without because that kind of love usually was only sexual and I have that replaced that with the genuine heartfelt love from family & friends who have been very supportive and I am now living happier and having fun with family & friends and planning trips and pursueing my own passions and living "free" from worry & stress and lies, embarrasement & humiliation from a bad relationship. I encourage everyone to get away & stay away from "the cause" and put more into yourself and happiness without feeling selfish or guilty by loving & being kind to yourself! Now go by yourself a bouquet of flowers and box of chocolates and "write on your mind"........Love, Me
Thank you so much for this piece. I too have cut, stopped for many years, and back slid a few months ago, but have not cut in a couple of months now - yes, emotional, sexual abuse history. You explained it so well - another great book is The Bright Red Scream - excellent. Even though this brought me to tears, I feel not so alone, and understood - as I always do with your writings. Bless you.
Mara
Your comment means so much to me Mara. I am deeply touched. I will have to look for this book. Another person had suggested a book in a prior comment about this topic too.
I appreciate you coming to read and to share your experience with this. I never realized that this topic would reach so many. Thank you for your words.
Hello,
I am a first time writer to this venue...I have never heard the story of my life so well described,anywhere. I can readily identify with what you went through,as I experienced this young adult/teen horror of a schitzophrenic" biological" mother. I make this distinction because the first 10 yrs. of my life were spent in a wonderful foster home,where I was loved dearly.
At age 10,during my 5th grade winter break,I was uprooted from this home,the only one I knew,and sent to live with the mother from hell. I went from peaceful surroundings to instant turmoil,physical,emotional,sexual abuse. I never fit in,and was in constant fear of which "mother" would be waiting,if I left the room and came back.
ALL THROUGH MY TEEN YRS.,AND TO THIS DAY (AGE 59) I HAVE PICKED AT SORES. I NEVER KNEW WHY. THANK YOU FOR SENDING THE LIGHT INTO MY LIFE. I HAVE BEEN ON CLINICAL DEPRESSION MEDS FOR WELL OVER 10 YRS.,BUT NEVER TIED THE SCAB REMOVAL TO MY DEPRESSION. I NEVER KNEW,TILL I READ YOUR HEARTFELT STORY TODAY,THAT THERE WAS ANY CONNECTION.
AS A RESULT,I WILL SPEAK TO MY DOCTOR WHEN I SEE HIM NEXT MONTH. IN THE MEANTIME,I WILL PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THIS "URGE",AND TRY TO FIND AN ALTERNATIVE BEHAVIOR,AS YOU SUGGESTED.
THANK YOU FOR RESCUING ME FROM MYSELF. GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.
BEEN THERE
Thank you for writing such an informative piece on a topic about which most people know so little.
I am far from typical as I only started minor cutting when I was 58. Apart from one minor slip recently, I haven't self-harmed for just over two years.
I went on a weekend conference a few months back, as a result of which I wrote a piece for a couple of UK forums to which I belong.
Oh Bonnie...wow! Your comment is why I write. If something I write can help someone else...it is so worth it. Please do keep in touch on this site and tell us how you are doing. Thank you so very much for reaching out and sharing your story here. I couldn't have received a better gift than to know that my words have helped you. Thank you.
I have written a couple of things for people to give to their friends and church leaders, who often do not know how to support people through this. I posted one of them some time ago as my SharePost. I hope to write more when I retire in a couple of weeks.
I'm really struggling tonight. I'm in a lot of pain with sciatica but had to go to the dental surgery. To get there I have to go underneath the railway line. There were two or three lads there who started calling me names, then chased me and threatened to throw something at me. I had to have a taxi back and am now feeling dreadful
Thank you for writing about this charged subject with such insight and care. I used to go into mental health chat rooms, to reach out to those who were posting about hurting themselves.
I am going to be forty-three tomorrow and I still hurt myself. I have given up razors and cigarettes, but it is only an exchange in method. Now I use the nails I bit to the quick as a child as my weapons.
This is an addiction. If you are just starting, STOP! If you don't, you will probably end up like me, too scarred to wear short sleeves, or shorts. I know that often it may be the only thing in your life you feel that you can control. But trust me when I tell you this:
IT WILL END UP CONTROLLING YOU.
Merely Me you are Mearly Wonderful!! I always look forward to your posts, they are well written and always informative. This one definately hits home for me. I have also noticed that this subject is coming up more and more on message boards and it breaks my heart the responses they often get. It seems for every one person who responds that gets it, there are 3 or 4 that are down right cruel and viscious. I'll admit I was afraid to read the posts on this for fear of the cruelty I see else where. Kudoos to everyone for the positive posts I have seen!
I self injured myself for years, everything from cutting to banging my head and hitting doors until I broke bones. For me it was to stop the emotional pain that I couldn't deal with anymore, physical pain takes away from emotional pain. I wasn't sexually abused as a kid but I was physically abused by a mentally ill mother who has always been in denial and still is. I got pregnant and married at 16 (to escape from my mother) to a cheating control freak. I stayed for 9 years because I thought it was all my fault, if I was a better wife, if I was a better lover.......there were a million reasons in my mind why it was my fault. I even developed disassociative disorder as a way to cope. Through all of it I was never properly diagnosed until I was 28 years old. I am a bipolar 1 with multiple other diagnosis'. It took years to find the right drug combinations that would work for me.
I was 12 the first time I tried to kill myself, 14 the first time I injured myself, 5 other suicide attempts while married to my first husband, many self injuries through it all and with all that I wasn't properly diagnosed until 28! The last time I cut myself was about 7 or 8 years ago. My meds weren't working, I was raging out of control and I got into a huge argument with my then teenage son. I went into the bathroom grabbed the scissors and proceeded to slash away at my forearms, it was a cry for help plain and simple. I was fortunate, help came. My husband called the community center that I go to and spoke to my case worker and told her what was going on. In less than an hour I had her and my therapist knocking on my front door. They were wonderful! They made it clear we were going to the phychiatric hospital either by choice or by court order and they managed to do it without making me feel threatened. I have post traumatic stress from my first husbands abuse, so not making me feel threatened was a big deal for me. Especially if you consider my therapist was a man, about 6'2", broad shoulders, a big guy all the way around, but somehow he made me feel safe, no easy feat believe me!
I'm doing good now, the right meds, an understanding husband and a great support staff at Community Counseling Center has made a huge difference in my life. I educate myself heavily on everything bipolar. Recently I was given a new case worker who was also new to the counseling center, I think part of the reason he was given my case was because they knew he could learn alot from me. He asked me about injuring myself and why did I do it (he didn't understand why) and I told him almost exactly what you said in your post, that physical pain makes the emotional pain lift at least for a little while. He thanked me for being so open and said I helped him understand why, wow, what a moment! I've come a long way from where I was and I honestly never thought I would get here.
I wanted to say thank you for your openess and honesty, it means alot to a lot of people. I'm usually pretty good at explaining my feelings but you made a comment about being volcanic, that was one I had yet to come up with, how perfectly that one word explains what happens. For us cutters that explains it well, our emotions are like a volcano. All that pain, anger, rage, guilt is just bubbling under the surface, like a volcano until something sets it off and then BOOM! That was great, thank you.
Oh wow..you have put yourself out here in a most courageous way. You sound so good. I am so appreciative that you wrote this. There are so many people...especially young girls who are beginning to use self harm as a way to cope. Comments such as yours give hope to those who need it.
I am happy too that the people on this site are so positive, caring, and compassionate. I think it is because we have all been there. We know what it is like to be in pain.
Thank you so much for reading this and for sharing your own life experience here with us. Please do keep in touch here on this site.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am very open and honest about my mental illness much to the dismay of my mom's side of the family. It's the family secret no one is supposed to talk about especially in "polite" society, but I never claimed to be polite, LOL. I am all about educating the public and I talk about my experiences to anyone who is willing to listen and learn. We will never overcome the stigma attached to mental illnesses if we don't talk about it. My family is always telling me to pray about it and turn it over to God, I pray daily and turned it over to God a long time ago. I believe God answers all prayer but sometimes his answer is "no". I have been able to help so many people that I don't think would have listened if I wasn't mentally ill. So many people on here truely listen to your words because they know you understand and that makes such a difference! Thanks again and I will be looking forward to your next post.
This is a great artice, and courageous of you to tell your story and how it started with the trauma and stress from your environment with your mother is another dimension most ppl won't understand unless they've been in the situation, you've captured exactly why ppl can do self-harm, and I wanted to add that self-harm can come in other forms as well, that are destructive behaviors resulting from trauma such as yours, for example like me drinking wine to an extent that it had to be addressed. Once I addressed the reason behind it, it was all too clear that it was from self-hatred, and other negative thoughts that I ran in my head. Some from pain and trauma from the last decade with dealing with my SZ/autistic daughter and the hospitals and ppl that I had to deal with as a mother (they scrutinize mothers beyond belief). I also had a rough childhood, and it's something I may write about one day.
Kudos to you for bringing this to light. My oldest daughter who is bipolar has successfully stopping cutting (and she was severely afraid of the site of blood, except for when she cut, she says it was relief from stress is why she cut) by becoming involved in a DBT group and therapy with much determination she was able to stop.
Oh hi Stephany!
You are so very kind to visit me here...I was hoping you would as you have so many life experiences to share which help others. I am glad your daughter has stopped cutting. It can be an addiction over time. You are so right in that there are so many behaviors which can ultimately be self destructive. I think maybe everyone has this in them...this dichotomy for being both capable of growth and self destruction. Living is hard sometimes. Thank you so much for reading this. You are one of those people who truly inspire me.
I just wanted to say that I have been reading your articles for just a short time and have always found them very helpful. I had been reading up on everything because I have a loved one that deals with bipolar and depression and I want to understand as much as possible BUT in reading this article I learned something about myself that I had never noticed or even so much as given any thought to. My SI is deep constant scratching, the kind that sometimes leave scars on the skin from being scratched over and over and over again. It wasn't until I read your words and they made me "think" about what has gone on or goes on when I do this automatic scratching (without realization). Thank You!
Your sharing in your own personal experiences help more than any books or articles could ever help. People in general tend to listen more when things are being explained by someone who has actually been there and can relate to the reasons behind ones behaviors.
Keep Up the Wonderful Work you do, you are appreciated more than you will ever know!
"Hi my name's Sarah and I self harm... it's been nine months since my last injury"... sorry that wasn't really meant to be glib or demeaning to others but it kind of feels like an addiction sometimes. I self harmed for some time and its a constant struggle not to return to that feeling.
I really liked your article, especially when you wrote the five primary reasons for self-harm. I often find it difficult to explain why I do it (or did it) to others but your list just about sums it up. At different times I think my reasons changed so they included all on that list, except perhaps the looking for help... well I kind of wanted at times people to know and help but I never actually showed anyone - just imagined showing them and going 'see how fucked up things are? I need help!'
I think a certain area of the carpet in my bedroom will probably wear away before any other because I've taken to pacing when I feel the desire. Sometimes I watch DVDs but inevitably my mind wanders and I stop taking in what I'm supposed to be watching. Writing and drawing and doing puzzles can be useful but at the times when I feel the urges at their highest I can't concentrate enough to do any of that. I guess it's just one of those things you have to ride out as best you can, and try to avoid getting to that place in the first place by reducing stress... I don't really know the answer but I'm proud of myself for resisting the temptation for so long now.
I used to carve words into my skin for extra meaning - you know things people used to label me as like 'BITCH', 'LOSER' and 'PATHETIC' so I could own them and sort of cut it out of myself if that makes any sense... they're healing over in time just like the actual events I guess... I also quite literally pulled my hair out - I would sit and watch TV pulling it out absentmindedly, although during the ads I would watch what I was doing and enjoyed the ever increasing pile of hair beside me. The parting in my hair grew very wide and then when I stopped it was like I had a mini mohawk in the middle of my hair as the shorter bits were growing back! I also punched myself till I bruised, squeezed my neck till my face went red, and tried a few avenues that were more socially acceptable like going jogging in the middle of the day in summer (and living in Australia thats like 40 degree celsius or more at times) in jeans or going jogging with a twisted ankle, etc.... sorry this is becoming just a list of bad things I've done isn't it? Whoops...
Point is I liked your article - its not easy summing up what this is like but you did a great job. And I glad it helped you to get it out (despite it being difficult). I hope everyone who self harms manages to find other avenues to get rid of that stress because it can lead to being judged (although tattoos are socially acceptable and they are putting ink into the skin and are permanent, go figure), could get infected and things could go too far (if you cut too deep or going to far with burning).
Dear Merley Me,
Your article here truly hit home for me and it is something I will add into my current backstory that I am in the process of writing. This really hits home because for many years growing up one of my demons that I always faced was self-injury. Even though I never cut myself, I did think about starting it up at one point this past year though. I was in so much pain at the time I wanted to either cut my wrist or my inner thigh to help let the pain go away. The self-injury of choice for me was smashing my head against an object. When I was growing up it was usually hitting myself with my hands or any object that I could find. I did it when I was upset at myself, angry, sad, guilt, or couldn't find another way to cope with the situation. Recently when I seriously thought about cutting myself is when the demon came back to me. This time when I decided to put myself through self-injury it would be smashing my head against the legs holding up my dorm room bed. I would do this repeatedly and after strike I would do my best to make sure the next one was harder. I swear that it is self-injury is just another aspect and another thing that I have to overcome in my battle with my depression. It is just so hard sometimes to find a way not to hurt yourself. Thank you for everything that you have done,
I cut myself for the 1st time 2 days ago, but don't remember doing it. My fiance found me while I was doing it, and then I remember him shouting at me, but I still don't remember actually doing it. I cannot find anything about this happening to others. I understand why someone would do it, but it sounds like they're doing it as a release, or a punishment. Has anyone ever heard of it being done "subconsciously", or immediately blocking it out??? I don't ever want to do it again, but more importantly, I don't want to be unaware of doing it!
But better late than never. I started cutting myself with bits of metal and glass that I would find on the school asphalt "playground." I would go to an overgrown bit of stairs where no one ever went and would cut the palms of my hands and my knees so if anyone asked how I had hurt myself, I could say I fell to my hands and knees on the rough asphalt. But no one ever asked. I was 8 yrs old. I had no idea why I did it, only that it meant temporary relief from inner turmoil. As far as I know, I was not sexually abused as a child, although most counselors I admit this habit to say I probably was. And if so, that doesn't matter to me now.
As a teenager, I tried to hurt myself in rather unconventional ways -- catching hornets and making them sting me (which hurt like hell), drinking acetone to make my stomach hurt, hitting the knuckles on my hand with a hammer. I know (I am 51) that that aching I feel in my hands sometimes is a result and I feel stupid about having done it. Thestrange thing about hitting my hands was that I was an accomplished pianist. Why go after my hands? I don't know. Anyway, I stopped for a few years when I got married because my husband would be seeing my whole body naked and might find out. After I divorced him (for sexual abuse) I began to cut with a razor on the inside of my arm.
One Christmas I was wearing long sleeves to cover the cuts, and the house was very hot. My brother-in-law said, "Why don't you take off that hot shirt and put on a t-shirt or something?" This was in a room full of family members. I said, "Well, I recently got this tattoo of a naked man on my inner arm and I'm not ready for people to see it yet!" That got a good laugh, but inside, I was crying. The subject was dropped.
Finally I told a therapist. She gave me some relaxation techniques. But the best was "grounding." Instead of trying to transport myself away from reality with pain, she said, ground yourself in the here and now. "Start with your feet. Feel them on the carpet. Know that underneath the carpet is the floor, and under that a concrete foundation buried in the ground. Nothing is going to move or shift that floor. You can count on it being there. Now feel the shoes on your feet. Feel the backs of your calves touching the sofa. Feel your butt on the sofa cushion. Feel the strength from the earth, the concrete, the floor, the solidity of your body and know you are fully grounded. Reach out and touch the arm of the sofa -- feel the nubbly fabric. Touch the table. Touch the rough wall behind you. You are really sitting here with me, and nowhere else. Now feel yourself breathe," and we moved on to deep breathing and meditation and progressive muscle relaxation. And I found that for me, this worked. I haven't cut myself since, and that was about 2001. If I feel too much pain, I close my eyes and feel the microfiber fabric of my own sofa and the rough carpet under my feet. I realize I am indeed here, and nothing bad is happening to me, that I am safe.
If I get really panicky and think that pain is going to help, I get an ice cube and hold it on my inner arm till it burns, and I don't take it away. I just let it burn and focus on that pain. Then it melts and the pain goes away, but I have caused myself no bleeding, no cutting, no permanent damage. So maybe the problem is not entirely "solved," but I am finding ways to cope.
"Hi my name's Shadsie and I self harm... it's been two weeks since my last injury"... well i know thats a bit bad to be honest but it kind of feels like an addiction now. Its something i can't live without.
I really liked your article, especially when you wrote the five primary reasons for self-harm. I really find it difficult to express why I do it (or why i did i do it) to other people but your list just sums it up really, i can put my self harm into one of those reasons. sometimes at different times I think my reasons changed so they included almost all on that list, except perhaps the looking for help... well I kind of wanted at times people to know and help me try to stop but I never actually showed anyone - i was too scared of the consequences, sometimes i just imagined showing them and see how fucked up things got? I needed help!
But i just didn't knowhow to ask for it. That was back then i now accept that self harm is a regular thing in my life, thou i am getting some sort of therapy -- it's therapy with a horse, i had always enjoyed riding and being close to them, so i have started loaning a horse called spirit and i have a job at his stable yard, i love him so much and together we are one. he has taught be so much about trust and life. with his help i think i can beat self harm.
Point is I liked your article - its not easy expressing what this is like but you did a amazing job. And I glad it helped you to get it out despite it being difficult for you. I hope everyone who self harms manages to find other ways to get rid of that temptation and stress to harm because it can lead to being judged (although tattoos are socially acceptable and they are putting ink into the skin and are permanent,), but like self harm could get infected and things could go too far (same if you cut too deep or going to far with burning). Thank You so much for your article. Take care .. Bye x :)
Thank you...so very much.
I needed to hear something kind today and you have done that for me. I really appreciate it.
Your story is so touching. I am glad you have your horse. My son with autism had horse therapy for awhile and loved it. There is something magical that happens between animals and people...animals...they understand. It can be a very special bond. I am happy to hear that this is a healing experience for you.
The cutting can be an addiction. But it can stop. It certainly isn't easy. There are times when the thought and instinct to do it is so strong...so I understand. But you can beat this. I am rooting for you.
I do hope you return to tell us about how things are going. Hug your horse for me.
MM
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Merelyme, I SI'ed starting around my first period. I still do. It just took me to another place and let me feel comfortably numb.
So much of your story related to me. I didn't have success when I came out to a teacher in High School= but perhaps they just didn't know about those things back then. They do now, and maybe you have just saved someone reading this.
Thank you for your insight, care and candour.
Hi Susan
I had started early too...probably 13 or 14. Not even sure where I got the idea. Thought I was all alone.
I am really glad you stopped by. And yeah that is why I wanted to write this...to reach out and hopefully help someone.