why bad things happen . . . I guess we just have to do what you two are so bravely doing...and have for so long. Just keep on keeping on, as a friend says. And as my dear mother continues to do. (now back to some scary thoughts she can't express due to aphasia from brain surgery..what a hard life. ) We love her...no matter what might have happened when she was young. Its too bad she truly has trouble believing or maybe even feeling that love at times. I will pray for you that the pain gets less and after appropriate therapy (that sounds like it might involve forcing the memory) -- that you are able to watch this hurt fade, somehow, into the road behind you....as you move ahead. Sorry for such awkward wording. THANK YOU FOR sharing this. Descriptions of these things make me -- and others you share with -- truly more vigilant regarding children -- theirs and others. (One of my sons, in junior high-- was intrigued, with another boy, by a local dj. Well, he just showed ALL of the signs we now know are red flags: always offering an ear to them...showing them his latest lighting and sound equipment, and even having a long conversation with me on the phone in which he was very convincing as just a harmless nice guy...But, I had doubts. And was happy to encourage an end to that connection. Again...if we recognize some signs.....you have helped alot of people.
Thank you for this. It is really difficult to know who are the abusers among us. They are sometimes friends of the family or even family members themselves. I believe that sexual abuse is more common than we know. Many people don't talk about it.
If my post has helped but one person then it was worth writing. I am glad I did this.
had problems with my password. I might as well give you the beginning...
I am blessed not to ever have had to deal with this trauma in life. But, it has always been something I've wondered about, with regard to my mother. Some of your described behavior is strangely familiar as some of hers. She is now in her 70s and has gone thru a lifetime of depression,etc. But at on during a terrible period of paranoia (depression had progressed into sometimes delusional and psychotic features), she kept repeating "they know, they know, they know"....and we got the sense even SHE didn't know. When lovingly asked, "what" do they know....got no response. She was rocking in pain.I'm sorry..i hope this is not a terrible trigger. She may never have lived through what you did...but on the other hand...maybe she did. And maybe this depression has remained treatment resistant and she has at times appeared to be diagnosable as borderline personality disorder (disconnected? from her past except for a few funny memories with friends.....because she never had the opportunity or the amazing COURAGE that you two have. I am AMAZED at the sad statistics. So sorry you both EVER had to deal with something so terrible. YOu are right...to take away a childhood...well..this is where my prior post began..so its backwards. Thanks for reading..if you were able.
I hope you never stop putting your energy into convincing people, whoever they might be, whatever age they might be, or have been, that they are a victim, purely that. The only shame in what happened is not theirs.
As with any crime, there is at least one victim and that term is used purposely for one who did not want what was perpetrated upon them to happen. But it did, through no fault of their own and in a crime like this, trust was often given and horribly abused.
As for the psychological needs of being betrayed, I cannot address that. No training. But I do know that people exist who badly want to bring their abuser before a judge. In fact, little gives them more satisfaction. The further this issue comes out into light, the better.
You are powerful voice.
I truly relate to what you've said. I've suffered through the same abuse, mental, emotional and physical. I still have these memories, visions, and nightmares. I can even smell the cologne at times. It is very difficult to live with. In the past month I've sought out counseling because my anxiety and emotions are like a bouncing ball. My counselor said I have PTSD, and my symptoms elevated when one on my main sources of abuse came to live with me. Now, daily I suffer from anxiety attacks, flashbacks, and more. I am trying to cope with it but it is hard. The person who installed such fear in me as a child, who mentally and emotionally abuse me, looked at me this morning and said that I was moody. Find the irony in that. I am coming to understand the full spectrum of PTSD and how it is devastating. I am hoping that with sisters of a common bond outthere it will be a little easier to work through. I am sorry that you had that happen to you.
I feel I needed to clarify my story abit. I too was sexually abused, raped and molested. You received justice and that is a blessing, but there are many of us that live with the scars of telling the truth and not being believed. I saw no justice for the men that hurt me. The hardest part of everyday is getting up and looking at the person who didn't believe me, who physically, mentally and emoitionally abused me. I live with the irony of having her tell me that I am moody and she never knows who I'll be that day. As I sit and write this I am supposed to be studying for my 3 huge finals I have next week. I am finding that today is one of those day to which, I can't concentrate little alone hold a thought. I want to thank you for sharing your story, it gives many the strength to share their own too.
Your story makes my heart ache. I am so sorry that there was no closure and no justice for you. Are you seeing a therapist at all?
I know it must be so hard...life goes on...and you have to deal with ordinary life and responsibilities. Is school a welcome respite for you? I had always liked school for that reason.
Thank you again for sharing your story with us. You are helping others with your words.
I am a 48 year old woman im i find it even more difficult now in my life to cope with things that happened in my childhood. I guess you could say im finally dealing with it all now and its not plesant, I hate it! But what do you do but keep living and surviving it. To any abusers out there Please think about the effect you have on these young souls, their mental and emotional well beings. REMEMBER GOD IS WATCHING YOU ALL AND YOU WILL PAY IN THE END...GOD help you all.
I really admire your courage in discussing this when it is still so painful to think about. It's so shocking to see the numbers you cite about how widespread sexual abuse is for women. At least you had the support of your mother. I've read of so many cases where the mother only lashed out at the child because she couldn't face the truth of what was going on.
All my best to you! John
Thank you so much John for stopping by to read and to comment.
Yes it is so true that I was fortunate that my mother did try to protect me. So many people have nobody to turn to after having gone through this.
It breaks my heart to know how many people are victims of sexual abuse. I hope my story helps.
I can totally relate to this author's feelings.
I was a victim of sexual abuse at age 15 by a older sibling brother, then, at age 19, I was raped by a neighbor-I did press charges on the neighbor, however, I did not have a support group at that time, and basically was bullied into dropping charges by threats from his family.
Approx. 9 years ago I was beaten, tortured and raped for 8 hours by a ex-boyfriend, I was stabbed, had broken bones and was burned, and left for dead. I am now 47 yrs. old, and even though I have been going through counseling for years and am on anti depressants, I am still having nightmares, panic attacks and live in fear. The worst problem is, I have been in a very loving relationship for four years now, my partner is very sweet and compassinate-he is very patient and understanding-however, early in our relationship, I had a flashback while having sex with my partner and ever since I cannot bring myself to become intimate again-it has been months since I have been able to be intimate with him, I find myself with no sexual desire what so ever-and even though my partner says that he is fine with it, I know that the quality of our relationship would be much, much better if I could be intimate with him!!
Does anyone else have this problem, or does anyone have any suggestions??
Thank you so very much!!
C.j.
I am so sorry you have endured so much trauma in your life. You are a true survivor. I can totally understand how certain situations such as being intimate may provoke a reaction based upon your past traumas. Do you have a therapist to help you work through this?
There are many forms of intimacy and I am wondering if you can enjoy kissing and cuddling for example without it provoking a fearful response? Is there anything your partner can say or do to comfort you when the fear begins to build? I am really thinking that a skilled therapist could help you through this process. It will take time. I am so glad you have a partner you can trust.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience here. I wish I could make things better for all of us.
Hello again, "Merely Me"..
I want to thank you so much for getting back to me! It is so reassuring to have someone who can truly relate to my traumas, and who cares enough to try to help!! God Bless you for that-and for all that you do to help so many victims of abuse!
YOU are my HERO-I wish I could come forward with my problems in order to help others, it takes a very brave person such as yourself to do so!!
To answer a couple of the questions that you had, no, unfortunately, I have not been able to find a skilled therapist to help me through all of this! I truly wish that I could-I have tried several, but for the most part, they have really seemed to be nothing more than glorified counselors with no experience in the areas that I need. To be fair, I am aware that I am quite a unique case, and it would probably take just as unique of a therapist to help me, and in the 5 years that I have been looking, I have not found anyone that fits that description as far as therapists go!!
I am not comfortable with kissing and/or cuddling-unless I am positive that it will not lead to being intimate!! Once the bad feelings start there is nothing that my partner or even I can do to soothe over the situation, the only thing that makes it better is time-and that can take quite awhile! I find myself totally "freaked out" to the point of having panic attacks, vomiting, crying uncontrollably and basically having a total meltdown-quite a mood buster for sure!!
I sometimes wonder if I would just be better off being alone-I feel as though it is so unfair for my partner, and it also leads to my feeling inadequate and tremendously guilty!
If you do know of anything that I can do, read or whatever please, please let me know-I have read everything remotely related to my problem, and tried everything that I or any counselor, therapist or psychiatrist have suggested!!
Thank you, again, for all of your understand and care!!
God Bless you and your efforts!!
C.J.
Thank you sooooh much for the validation of your post.
It is so re-assuring to know that many of my symptoms are shared & 'normal', because I often feel 'crazy'.
I have one question that I'm hoping you can help me with:
Does it ever go away?
PTSD, that is. I was diagnosed in my early twenties, & was in counselling for a few years. I thought I was better, but recently I'm experiencing all the same problems all over again. And looking back I see how this has shaped so many decisions I've made over the years. At the age of 32 I don't want these experiences & perpetrators to influence my life anymore!
Once again - thank you - your bravery gives everyone you touch great strength!
Oh you are so not crazy. This is a normal reaction to a very horrific thing.
Does it end? This is a good question. I think that we will never forget. But I do think we can give ourselves the love, respect, and nuturing that we need in order to heal. The fear diminishes when we fill ourselves up with other things. We are resilient and we will survive.
Thank you so much for your words and remember that you are never alone.
I do walk in your shoes, the difference is, that it was my grandfather that sexually abused me.. I am now 53 years old he had been dead since I was 19 years old, but I still relive this experience.
I was 6 years old when it started, and he also got me started smoking. Believe it or not, I was 6 years old at the time.
It when on till I was 10 years old, and then I said I am not going to his house anymore, period.
I never told my parents till I was grown, and had child of my own.. It was my dad's dad.
He was in disbelieve for a time, and then he said I believe you.. but, we never talked about it after that.
I have been in therapy off and on now for 28 years, and on antidepressen meds for as long.
It affects every aspect of my life, my sex life, my personal life and being bolded to anyone.
I have had a wall up around me, and live in fear of it happening again.
I am sorry for what happen to you. And I am sorry for what happen to me.. I wonder sometimes what turns my life might of had, if, this had not of happen to me.
Thank you for your story and for letting me get some of this out.
I hear you. The memories stay with you. It is all the more difficult I think...when a family member has done this as it is someone you are supposed to be able to trust. You have to tell the little girl that this happened to so long ago...that it is going to be okay and she is safe now.
I am very sorry that this happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story here with us.
Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story with us. I had found myself slipping into denial, again (this happens every few years), and I am greatful for the 'kick' back into reality.
Since 1991 my memories came back in patches -- understanding recurrent nightmares as memories, horrendously painful 'body' memories of being assaulted by my father's step-father(Frank) for 4 yrs between the ages of 4 & 8. After 5 yrs of working through that trauma & being diagnosed with PTSD, more sensory memories asserted themselves of being abused at a much younger age - in fact, as an infant, by the same man! I don't know that I can explain the process by which I came to that conclusion, but deep inside I know it to be true (inspite of bouts of denial).
Some of most difficult parts stems from the fact that he quite literally used the Bible as his 'proof' that I "was created by God to do his (Frank's) bidding." It's no wonder my trust in the church has faltered over the years. Surprisingly, I have an MA in Church History & Reformation Theology.
Sadly, I do use that degree because I suffered breakdown of sorts (PTSD, no doubt) during my 1st doctoral year after suffering through a bad marriage during which he repeatedly raped in his sleep. I never thought anything of that until learning years later that "sexsomnia" is a genuine affliction.
10 years later, I' still not been able to go back to school & I suffer migraines anytime I try to read any of my bboks from school. In addition to PTSD, I've been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and general anxiety. Still, I can't seem to make it past the denial stage for SSDI.
I know this comment is rambling, but it has been needfully cathartic. One question some of you may have is how have I made through all of this? Easy -- a very wonderful, loving & supportive family, especially a mother who was able to validate some of the situations for me even though she feels horrendous guilt for not have seen the signs back in the 60s. Additionally, my FAITH -- the little *%^$& was not able to take that away from me!
I was sexually abused by a babysitter when I was about 8 (a fondling incident). The last thing I remember is him taking me into my parents bedroom after the other kids went to bed and laying down with me. Then I blank out. I didn't even remember that for *many* years until it got to be around 40 and started confronting my feeling about my father's alcoholism, beating and verbal abuse. I *think* my parents suspected or knew because after that first time this guy babysat, we never saw him again. Their reaction is to pretend it didn't happen. I didn't realize that what I had was PTSD until I started reading here. My brother suffers from that in regards to our father as he acts incredulous when I try to talk to him about the beatings and verbal abuse (he also fondled me a few times under the guise of *teaching* me proper hygene and forced me to talk baths with him until I turned 12 and refused to even tough I was scared of him) we suffered from. To this day, my father tries to verbally abuse me, but several years ago, after I was confronting my mom on the phone about his alcoholism and she got strangely defense, I found out he had been listening in without my knowledge (he's very controlling with her and she is enabling). My father now avoids me and we have not spoken since. I don't speak to my mom much naymore, either; and the last time I went to the area for a visit (other relatives) I could not get her to go out with me or even get permission to go to the house. She makes sure he isn't there if I come by and since I live several thousand miles away, my visits to the city aren't very often. I feel I have no parents anymore. I do believe she will stay in denial forever because he's all she has now (or at least she believes that).
I used to go to friend's homes and watch healthier family interactions and normal dads that loved and were involved in their kids lives, and I was jealous. I knew our family wasn't normal, but as a kid, I had no escape and when I was a kid, it wasn't as easy to even report abuse as it is now. Now, showing up at show with black eyes, fat lips and blood blisters would garner a response. Then, the teachers also looked the other way.
Oh Jeanne...
Your comment makes me want to cry. You have suffered so much and to know that people turned the other way...is just unfathomable but yet it happens all the time. So many families do not want to deal with this issue. And I can so relate to seeing "normal" families growing up and wondering wistfully...what would that be like?
I am glad you are speaking up here. Perhaps if we all unite with one powerful voice, the message will be heard. The abuse needs to stop.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience here with us.
Hi, I definitely identify with your story and just about everyone else's i've read so far, on this topic... I was 8 yrs old when it first happened to me with 2 boys that lived in our apt. building... I was so afraid, i never said anything... to anyone.. The when i was 13 , 14 yrs old, i knew this man since i was 8 yrs old also, he was my sisters boyfriend when i was 8 yrs old.. HE always was my friend, took me places with my sister, places I felt i didnt belong , and she knew that too , like drive in movies when i was 13.. Took me to concerts with her also, we would play with the taperecorder and have fun and laugh... But then one night when i was sleeping he came into my bedroom, I was so scared, scared like you would see in a movie that i couldnt even speak!!! All i could see was my sisters wedding dress hanging on the back of my bedroom door! The next morning when i woke up, i had a rash on me from head to toe.. So my parentd immediatley took me to a dermatologist, he did a biopsy and i had a rash called Lichen-planus, ...The Dr. asked my parents if i developed any x-rays, because it can come from either developing x-rays OR A VERY TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE !!! no one said a word to me, or even asked me anything....This man was also 10 yrs older than me, threatened my life and also stated that ''THEY WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY''' because i was so young.. Mind you my sister was so in Love with him All i could think of is if i say anything he'll either kill me or have me killed , or I'm going to ruin my sisters whole life!!! I NEVER TOLD A SOUL, TILL 18YRS LATER... they were divorced over a year, and my sister was badly addicted to drugs.. So I figured I better tell her to help myself and her..Because my life was falling apart day by day, the guilt and the shame was killing me, aside from the nightmares and cursing in my sleep...It took many years of theraphy, to help me....Also this wasnt a one shot deal, I had to meet him certain places at certain time for four yrs this went on,REMEBER I WAS THREATHENED WITH MY LIFE...IAM 100% ITALIAN, WHICH MADE IT WORSE FOR ME AS FAR AS THAT GOES IN MY CASE... WELL WHEN I DID TELL MY FAMILY GUESS WHAT ??? IT ALL BACKFIRED ON ME... SEE WHEN I WOULD SEE HIM I WOULD PUT ON A SHOW OF ACTING... I HAD TO DO AND SPEND HOLIDAYS WITH THIS MAN, AROUND THE FAMILY.. MY MOM WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO SAID TO ME ONE DAY''' I DONT UNDERSTAND YOU, YOU EITHER ACT LIKE '' ONE DAY YOU LIKE HIM & THE NEXT DAY YOU HATE HIM'',WHICH IS IT SHE SAID TO ME... I honestly cant remember the reply.... I too had many of symptoms, bed wetting, nightmares with cursing out screaming , also sexual problems, many things to work out with psychiatric & spiritual help...MANY YEARS OF IT... I HAD TO PRAY TO FORGIVE HIM BECAUSE HE IS A VERY SICK MAN (also noticed his father was the same way) TODAY IAM ABLE TO COPE WITH IT USUALLY MUCH BETTER, BUT SOMETIMES I CAN SLIP BACK...MY SISTER TILL THIS DAY DOESNT UNDERSTAND HOW & WHY I FORGAVE HIM !!! IAM NOT A PERFECT PERSON , WE ALL HAVE OUR FAULTS, I THINK IF I DIDNT FORGIVE HIM( AND I STILL WORK ON IT ) I WOULD BE DEAD...WITH MY OWN SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVOIR, THAT STARTED AFTER THE FACT...I HOPE IVE HELPED YOU OR SOMEONE WITH MY POST PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME THANK YOU , LUCY AKA DINKEY108@AOL.COM
Hi, I definitely identify with your story and just about everyone else's i've read so far, on this topic... I was 8 yrs old when it first happened to me with 2 boys that lived in our apt. building... I was so afraid, i never said anything... to anyone.. The when i was 13 , 14 yrs old, i knew this man since i was 8 yrs old also, he was my sisters boyfriend when i was 8 yrs old.. HE always was my friend, took me places with my sister, places I felt i didnt belong , and she knew that too , like drive in movies when i was 13.. Took me to concerts with her also, we would play with the taperecorder and have fun and laugh... But then one night when i was sleeping he came into my bedroom, I was so scared, scared like you would see in a movie that i couldnt even speak!!! All i could see was my sisters wedding dress hanging on the back of my bedroom door! The next morning when i woke up, i had a rash on me from head to toe.. So my parentd immediatley took me to a dermatologist, he did a biopsy and i had a rash called Lichen-planus, ...The Dr. asked my parents if i developed any x-rays, because it can come from either developing x-rays OR A VERY TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE !!! no one said a word to me, or even asked me anything....This man was also 10 yrs older than me, threatened my life and also stated that ''THEY WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY''' because i was so young.. Mind you my sister was so in Love with him All i could think of is if i say anything he'll either kill me or have me killed , or I'm going to ruin my sisters whole life!!! I NEVER TOLD A SOUL, TILL 18YRS LATER... they were divorced over a year, and my sister was badly addicted to drugs.. So I figured I better tell her to help myself and her..Because my life was falling apart day by day, the guilt and the shame was killing me, aside from the nightmares and cursing in my sleep...It took many years of theraphy, to help me....Also this wasnt a one shot deal, I had to meet him certain places at certain time for four yrs this went on,REMEBER I WAS THREATHENED WITH MY LIFE...IAM 100% ITALIAN, WHICH MADE IT WORSE FOR ME AS FAR AS THAT GOES IN MY CASE... WELL WHEN I DID TELL MY FAMILY GUESS WHAT ??? IT ALL BACKFIRED ON ME... SEE WHEN I WOULD SEE HIM I WOULD PUT ON A SHOW OF ACTING... I HAD TO DO AND SPEND HOLIDAYS WITH THIS MAN, AROUND THE FAMILY.. MY MOM WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO SAID TO ME ONE DAY''' I DONT UNDERSTAND YOU, YOU EITHER ACT LIKE '' ONE DAY YOU LIKE HIM & THE NEXT DAY YOU HATE HIM'',WHICH IS IT SHE SAID TO ME... I honestly cant remember the reply.... I too had many of symptoms, bed wetting, nightmares with cursing out screaming , also sexual problems, many things to work out with psychiatric & spiritual help...MANY YEARS OF IT... I HAD TO PRAY TO FORGIVE HIM BECAUSE HE IS A VERY SICK MAN (also noticed his father was the same way) TODAY IAM ABLE TO COPE WITH IT USUALLY MUCH BETTER, BUT SOMETIMES I CAN SLIP BACK...MY SISTER TILL THIS DAY DOESNT UNDERSTAND HOW & WHY I FORGAVE HIM !!! IAM NOT A PERFECT PERSON , WE ALL HAVE OUR FAULTS, I THINK IF I DIDNT FORGIVE HIM( AND I STILL WORK ON IT ) I WOULD BE DEAD...WITH MY OWN SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVOIR, THAT STARTED AFTER THE FACT...I HOPE IVE HELPED YOU OR SOMEONE WITH MY POST PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME THANK YOU , LUCY AKA DINKEY108@AOL.COM
Dear Mereley Me, You are Very Welcome.. I would Love To Help anyone at anytime that I possible can.. I do have alot of time on my hands, because Iam physically disabled right now.. But I have alot of time to spend in front of the computer and I firmly am A believer in Music Therapy!!! Also in Laughing as much as we can.. So if you need any help just give me a shout!!! Thank You, Resectfully, you friend, Lucy
I have PTSD, Depression, axiety and can't sleep, pain disorder. There are other problems but I thought these were the most important ones.
I know how you feel, I have felt that I can never be loved that I don't deserve anyone. For all my life was the disbelief that everyone around me had and I was labled as a trouble maker. When someone did show me that they cared I did everything in my power to push him away. I felt I was dirty and not worthy of his love. I have so much love in me that I need to let out but it turns out that I get involved with people that always tell me I can't do something and I just turned 50 in march. I have been with this man for 7 yrs. and in the 7yrs. I felt we were together one yr. the rest of the time I felt I was living with someone but I was still alone. I was never told he loved me, he never held me, he treated me bad in front of his friends and now when I got to the point of leaving him I found out he has lung cancer but at this time I wear a scare on my face I never had before I met him. I know how it is to be alone but to be alone and have cancer just isn't right. But I am scared no one is going to want me when the time comes for him. Or I won't feel I not giving enough to someone that wants to be with me. What do I do?
Thank you for this article. I am 36 and trying to decide if I have PTSD due to sexual abuse as a child or if I just hate my mother and the hurt she has caused me in life. I dwell on memories of what my home was like but also remember things that led up to something and think surely something more happened to me after that. The abuse started at age 5 by a teenage neighbor. (i remember all details of this)His parents were good friends of my parents. My parents were in the middle of a divorce at this time. I never told them what happened. Then my mother met my step-father a few years later. My step-father along with other men who had recently gotten out of jail/prison was adopted by a man who later on got in trouble with child pornography and running a child prostitution ring. All teenage boy victims. I witnessed my mother being told her husband was in prison for rape. She knew I was being molested as she would tell me during their fights and kicking him out several times he wouldn't come back in the house to hurt me any more. So she knew what was happening to us. I did report it eventually and he got some jail time. My mother never believed me and kept in contact with him but eventually divorced him. To this day she denies a lot of things. My brother is schizoprenic. I know of some things that happened to him but not everything. He attempted suicide as a teen. Now that I look back he must have experienced much worse than me. For a long time as an adult I had abusive relationships and was an alcoholic. But the last 7 years I have been in church and God has done a lot of healing in my life. But my childhood still haunts me and am wondering if I am harboring things I need to give to God. My mother was always physically and emotionally abusive towards us kids. I did couseling for several years it helped. But not 100%. As a teenager I was forced to listen to my mothers therapist explain to me why my mom picked such a worthless man and her co-dependant issues. This made me angry. There is no excuse to knowingly have a pedophile in your home. God Bless all on this page. May we all find peace.
HI THERE I AM STARSHINE, I CAN RELATE TO WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH BUT I GENTLY ASK THAT YOU DO NOT GO INTO TOO MUCH DETAIL I SUFFER FROM PTSD AS WELL AND YOU POST DID TRIGGER A FLOOD OF MEMORIES, IT WOUD BE BETTER TO HAVE A FRIEND HELP YOU WRITE ABOUT THE ABUSE OR THINK VERY CAREFULLY REGARDING THE WORDS YOU CHOOSE TO USE, IT IS OK TO TELL YOUR STORY BUT I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT TRIGGERS ARE THERE ALL OF THE TIME FOR US WITH THIS AWFUL DISEASE BUT WE ALL MUST BE CAREFUL HOW WE EXPRESS OUR HORIFIC PAIN. WHAT HAPPEND TO YOU WAS JUST SO UGLY, I AM SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU AND LIKE I SAY I CAN RELATE BUT DETAIL IS TRICKEY, REMEMBER , IT WASNT YOUR FAULT. YOU WERE JUST A WEE LASS, INNOCENT AS A BUTTERFLY. I KNOW YOUR PAIN AND UNDERSTAND. SHALOM AND MUCH LOVE FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dear MM,
I am deeply sorry and moved by your story as I can empathize and relate with the abuse you went through. I was also very upset over the story about the animals I couldn't watch it. Pets are part of the family, I recently had to make the difficult decison to have my cat Milhouse put down, his health was declining more and more and he was old, now I know I made the right decison to end his suffering but it still was and is painful for me because I miss him very much. He brought a lot of comfort and joy to me as a matter of fact I had been to my counseling session the day before and told her that I had been distancing my self from him not realizing that it was my way of trying to deal with the loss that by doing that it wouldn't hurt so much. I took her advise and spent the last night holding him cuddling and told him I loved him I didn't get to tell my mom that.
When I was a kid we had pets and my father would take them and drop them off along the road and I remember one time when he made us kids go I only remember the puppies running behind us as he drove away. This is just one of many things that trigger my PTSD. Between both parents I was physically, sexually and mentally abused so certain smells, sights sounds are triggers. If I have to drive past the road we lived on I will avoid that house at all costs if possible. We are survivors and it is an ongoing healing process which rears it's ugly head when we least expect it. Ironically I refer to my father as the BOOGY Man we are not bad people we did nothing wrong, the only thing we are guilty of is trusting the very people who were supposed to protect us....
Take care and keep the courage
dewalt
Oh my god...how horrible about your pets. Why did your father do this?
I am sorry about your cat. I have always been attached to my pets and their loss is huge. I am sure it brings back memories of earlier losses. It is very hard to deal with I know.
Yes we are survivors indeed.
I am grateful for your comment...thank you so much for sharing.
Hello again MM,
Why my father did that I don't know all I know is it was cruel and abandonment didn't just involve pets. As far as I am concerned he was nothing more then a sperm donor and had no love for my mother he used her disabilities and vulnerabilities to get what he wanted. Not a day went by that I wasn't reminded of how much she wished I were never born. Beatings from her were bad enough but the only other person I could trust was my father who used that as an exuse to sexually abuse me. As I got older I finally got the courage to tell her what he did, her response was " I was a whore trying to steal her man away. It must have been told to my grand mother because soon after I went to live w/ my paternal grand mother.
In recent years I learned that my uncle knew as did most of the family and no one did anything.... I believe it was they didn't want the embarrassment of a trial or confrontation w/ him. During my divorce I happened to stop by my fathers place at some point I began to cry he hugged me and at that instance I could feel my flesh crawl. I never went back until his death in 2007. When I was put incharge of his estate is when everything came flooding in and I had a break down and have been fighting for my own survival ever since. I gave my siblings all photo's of him as I can't stand the sight of him. He was not a person who shared any emotion or love he was a sick sick perverted individual.
I struggle w/ things but I refuse to let that Boogy man control my life...
Dewalt
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Merely Me,
I am sitting here just stunned over your post and what happened to you. There are some very disturbed people out there, and it is just terrible that they can sometimes prey on the very young. What also really stunned me is that I am presently in therapy 'dismantling' the dissasociation of my own childhood sexual abuse, that I still sometimes would like to deny - but enough memories are there that I could no longer hide the truth. One thing you mentioned was not remembering the actual event, and that is exactly what has happened in my situation, too. I even have 'body smell' memories that are awful, of course. I so want to resist in therapy sometimes, but it has become all too real for me to deny. It was my older brother, and he continues to be very disturbed. He was the brother (one of three) who always spent time with me and showed me a lot of attention. He took me to parades, to historical sites, to the movies, and out to eat. My mother trusted him without question to take care of me. And then around seven years old it happened - and I can only remember one time - which I guess is enough!
You have been so helpful to me in describing your experiences, fears, and particularly the inability to remember the actual event. Sometimes I have even accused myself of "making this up" (just like my mother accused me), but I've come too far to know it is the truth. I just didn't want it to be. I could say so much, but will leave it here, for now. Thank you for giving me a major boost of support.
Funny how much we have in common, isn't it?
Hi Stardust
It was so hard to write this article but your comment makes it all worthwhile. I am so glad that my sharing of my experience has helped you to continue with your healing. I never had the fancy name for what I was going through but it is one thing to read about this in some psychological journal but quite another to read about the personal experience.
As I figure it, everyone goes through something. For some people...they go through a lot of somethings. I can always spot other survivors when I meet them. There is this shared pain but also a deep resilience. You know you can survive...just about anything.
Thank you for your kind words. And I wish you the best on your journey towards healing.