How to Deal with Difficult People

Other than serious illness and providing for the necessities in life, this has to be about the next difficult negotiation in life. It even enters those realms, full force.

Some guys I used to work with, while musing in a half serious manner would venture the opinion to do them bodily harm, using a different street phrase, kidding of course, usually, though some people find that their way to relieve stress. Unfortunately, or fortunately, that leads to bigger problems like prison or a hospital. I wouldn't advise that.

Your answers are well researched, thought out and presented. The fact is, a coping mechanism, methodology, needs developed to get the most positive aspects out of each day and finding a proper way to deal with each other, when necessary, the angels and the opposites, all in between, is paramount.

Our mental health is our responsibility, treating others as we wish to be, is all of ours. I need to do that better.

Very good advice and I know from experience. I have often wondered what it is that makes some people so difficult. I do not always find them in confrontational situations, where you would expect it. Some just seem want to give off an air of " I am trouble", or "you are less than me" or whatever. I do not worry about most of them of course. I simply walk away,  for I do not want to be around anyone who does not want to be around me. But sometimes there are people on the job, or in situations where you must return. Your list will be most helpful then, and you are so right. They will not get better by bowing down to them... only you will feel worse. Still stranger.... some of these difficult people become friends in time.  You will wonder what happened to them. They actually did have a good side there in the shadow of the ego.

Now... there is also the other question. To whom am I difficult... and why?  Perhaps I should chase down someone walking away from me and ask that.

hi

The peanut gallery is here. Yes,your people can be difficult.I'm sorry but it's too late maybe 17 years ago you might have had a chance.

It's just finished my finally masterpiece of disaster and mayhem which is my life.

I relive it again and again,and live it 5 days thru the night.

The insanity has risen,against the sanity

Bye,

jon

Marcia has said many evil and hurtful things to me in the last several weeks.  I think that this behavior stems from her difficulties with the man she lives with and her precarious fiscal situation, and finally the effort it takes me to stand up to people (I always feel I'm going to be yelled at or even struck).  The best tactic I have found for me is to ignore what she says or laugh it off.  She was my closest friend at one time, now I feel it's time to redefine our relationship.  For the sake of my husband's relationship with her husband I will not break off the "friendship", but simply reduce the amount of time I spend with Marcia, and then force our conversations to remain friendly but safe.  I intend to keep my guard up around her, not giving her any information that she can use against me.  I guess it would be clearer if I were less wordy, and simply say I'm going to be polite, just polite, period.

I worked for 10 years for a man whose behavior towards me was almost always quite negative.  I live with treatment-resistant depression, generalized anxiety, migraine disease, and fibromyalgia.  I never was able to make the changes in myself suggested above and was sick very so often that I used up all of my paid leave time.  During the last couple of years I worked for him, my widowed mother moved in with me and took over my house and life.  In many ways I reverted to the child I had been, as she always had controlled me.  Talk about a toxic person!  I do love her, but I cannot be around her any more.  My psychologist whom I see for therapy helped me learn that it is now okay not to have any contact with her, including phone calls.  He said to think of her as my being allergic to her and that any contact with her makes me sick.  That "permission" freed me.  I know I have already done all I can for her, and I am relieved that I do not have to deal with her anymore.

My response to very negative and hurtful people in my life at this stage of my life (late middle age) is to cut them out of my life.  This goes for the disfunctional members of my family (mostly my father and sister).  When I was younger, I took it silently and it ate me up inside resulting in behaviors that when I look at it now, were cries for help.  This applies mostly to my abusive father who although he's almost 80, is just as toxic as when I was a kid.  THe difference now is that I don't need him in my life; my mom is enabling and almost always put him before her children.  When she refused to come up and help me after major knee reconstruction surgery (I live 2000 miles away- another god send), it was a very painful wakeup call that my mother will never put her children first no matter what the circumstances.  So, other than one brother, my family pretty much doesn't exist for me.  Painful? yes, but also makes my life so much calmer; like calm seas.  As I have aged, I *fianlly* came to the realization that I don't need other's approval for me to be a functional human.  I still fight the *doormat* syndrome to some degree, and likely always will as that was hwow I was programmed as a child, but I am doing better.

Merely Me,

Your post could not have come at a better time.  Two days ago I went to see my psychiatrist, and for one more visit, I had to listen to his negative droning, negativity toward me for properly cancelling two appointments due to hospital emergencies with my husband, and just a grumbling manner.  This kind of thing happens at each visit.  Now think about it - the vulnerability level around a psychiatrist is pretty high, due to the purpose you are there for.  And he is in the power seat!  My husband was with me (unusual) and he was so angry after the visit, he wants me to find another doctor.  But this doctor is "technically" highly competent, as I have been told by numerous other physicians and even my therapist.  But they say nothing about his person, I noticed.  Yesterday, I went to see my therapist and had to have her help me through the hurt and getting rid of the toxic effect.  What a goofy scenario.  I have three months until my next appointment, though, and will either go in armed emotionally or find another doctor.  I even had a woman in the waiting room one time comment on how he complains!

Trouble is, we do not have many or very good other psychiatrists in the area, and that makes it difficult, too.  I just thought I would share this story with you because of the irony of your own psychiatrist being so toxic and having to have your therapist work with you to get through it!  In time, I will find a sense of humor about it.  Humor works well! 

I also felt a low energy that day, so couldn't put a wall up against the toxicity, and I want to point out that depression can make it more difficult to stand up to difficult people.  I felt hurt and defeated.  It's too easy to just cave further inward to your bad feelings. You have to be careful to separate what's out there and what's your own "stuff".  This helps give perspective.  I also believe that sensitive people have more difficulty managing difficult people, unless however, they are real honed at their skills for doing so!  Your post was excellent!  The list is great.

Just simply don't say anything or have any kind of expression. When they get quiet say.........are you finished now. My time is valuable and I'd rather be doing something productive or fun.

I have a real problem with difficult people. I live with one, my husband. He is very moody and can be kind one moment and angry and saying hurtful things the next. I also have a real problem sticking up for myself around these type of people.  I don't like confrontation. What can I do about this?

For all of my life, I have been regarded as a difficult person.  I come across as verbally aggressive whe, to my mind, I am merely calling a spade a spade!  We had one amusing incident when I was being told off for my aggressive manner.  I plucked up the courage to say to this person that I found her manner aggressive!  "I AM NOT AGGRESSIVE," she replied!

I think the answer lies in our Myers-Briggs results - we were both very strong ISTJs and tend to suffer from "foot in mouth" syndrome!  It does show that sometimes what we interpret as aggressive may not be intended that way!

I sent an email to someone who was much more "butterfly-minded" and I knew would not take in all of a long email.  I put the main points in bold, in the hope that, if she remembered nothing more, she would remember these.  I copied in her colleague, just to show that I was doing something about the problem, only to receive the response "Why are your emails so aggressive?"  It turned out to be the bold print!

I need to cultivate my poorly-developed Feeling functions, but I find Myers-Briggs explained a lot of relationahip problems I had at work.