How to Deal with Difficult People

Sometimes I think Sartre had it right with his infamous quote, "Hell is other people."  Okay not all people by any means, just some particularly difficult people.  We have all had the experience of dealing with a difficult person in our life.  This person may be a neighbor, a co-worker, a boss, a friend, a parent, or even your spouse.  A friend of mine once said that some people go to therapy and some people cause other people to go to therapy.  Let's face it, how many therapy sessions are probably spent discussing the difficult people in our life?

What defines an individual as being "difficult" is totally up to the observer.  I have met plenty of people who I feel are pleasant personalities only to find that others may view this person as totally abrasive.  Then there is also a range of difficult as some people may only be mildly annoying while others may be abusive and downright toxic to our mental health. 

Author Lillian Glass who wrote the book, "Toxic People:  10 ways of dealing with people who make your life miserable" asks questions for you to ascertain whether or not you have a toxic relationship with someone.   Some of these questions include:

• Do you feel tense or nervous around this person or do you feel devalued after having been around this person?
• Do you feel constantly judged by this person? Does your self esteem suffer when you are around this person?
• Do you feel drained of energy after having been with this person?
• Do you feel emotional relief when you are away from this person?
• Do you suffer from physical ailments such as headaches, breathing problems, stomach problems, hives, or other tension related troubles after spending time with this person?
• Does this person make rude, sarcastic, hostile, negative comments to you or give you backhanded compliments?

These are but some questions to ask yourself.  I would add that when we are around a toxic individual; we do not feel comfortable being ourselves.  There is a sense that we need to protect ourselves from emotional harm. 

So what can we do?

 In my opinion the first thing you have to decide is whether or not you wish to continue the relationship with this person.  This is an extremely difficult decision to make in some cases.  It may be a whole lot easier to cut off all ties with a long distance friend than it is with your parent.  It may be difficult to just quit your job just because you cannot handle your boss's personality.  But sometimes these decisions are made because your mental health is at stake.   In some cases, to leave is the only option in order to keep your sanity. 

Yet in a lot of cases we are not in an option to delete the person from our life for whatever reason.  Perhaps we need our job at the moment and cannot just up and quit.  Perhaps we do love the rude relative or ill mannered friend but we just can't stand their behaviors.  So we make the choice to co-exist with this person but how do we do this peacefully?  One way is for you to determine what sort of relationship you wish to have with this person.