I did sabatage my own happiness once. Regretted every minute and year of it. I was getting towards living with people and my family wonderfully, until I stopped cold turkey on my medicines. All that time, I cried, sulked, slept, drank coffee and smoked more than normal, and never once did I hate not doing it. I enjoyed sabataging my happiness, until I saw one of my daughters acting like me. I cried and cried. So, I got help, better medicine and love my family now. I will NEVER, EVER go back to that time in my life. If I could do it all over, I'd never have done that, I would have gotten more help. Now, I'm severely depressed, but I'm able to wake up every morning, and say "Praise God!" I'm up getting my coffee, and having it WITH my
My computer messed up, so 2 comments are here, but not finished!!
I want to say, I get up and have coffee WITH my husband now instead of sleeping until noon or not getting up at all. My husband, god bless him, takes me to the Doctor when need be and I actually go now. The only thing missing now, is a therapist. I don't have one, don't know where to find one, although my dr. did say she'd help me with that, so I may try it. It helped before.
Now, I feel somewhat better, and more better than I did 20 yrs. ago.
Sorry this is such a mess, but when Merely Me wants us to comment and I really have something to say, it justs comes out!! I have the need to type, so I do!!
Love and lots of hugs to all!!
Thank you, but I'm only on my way because I believe I can do it, and I have God by my side! I will ask my Dr. about therapy, because I think it will do me some good. I really don't have anyone I can talk to about my problems, so I will ask about one. You have to make yourself get through the day, you have God and us on this discussion group all next to you, ok? Just remember this, God loves you and so do we!! Hugs from me because there free!
Hi Merely Me,Kelly Jo and everyone, Ive really thought alot about this sabotaging thing. With regards you mom Merely Me, I think perhaps she could have feared a relapse or Schitzophenic Episode [not v pleasant] during the stress of the exams as well as the fear of Success. Perhaps she thought she was being realistic as the tension mounted, coming to the end of the Course,I can relate to that.Of course it didnt make sense that you caused it but perhaps it was easier for her to think that than to dig deep into her inate fear of being really successful and then perhaps having to fall from a height in the event that her illness detioriorated. ~I can relate to the sabotaging. i dont want to sabotage,but some part of me, unconsciously does, I know that,I think its like you said, the fear of Success that could end with Failure and then going into a deeper darker hole when Depression comes around. Im not being negative but realistic when I say that I have numerous episodes of Depression throughout the year and some are pretty dreadful, the anxiety is there most of the time. Perhaps Ive dug me a little Foxhole to live in where its 'Safe' but that has a price in self esteem.
Am I making any sense? I hate being alone, living alone,not having a loving relationship and yet, Id be scared of a man finding out about my anxiety, my Depression and then having my heart broken. So I remain lonely. Either way sucks !!
Youve opened a floodgate of questions... I have to be 100pc honest with myself. I have to WANT to change, to be willing to change, to believe that having a Happy and successful life [not just as the Consumer World sees Success] but Real happiness and meaning in my life,is within my grasp, even with all the childhood issues and phobias and anxiety and Depression, I have to believe Im loveable and worthy of love, that Im worth of studying and improving my chances of a future and that I have perhaps,more to offer due to my empathy and understanding of peoples emotions.
Hi
I have sabotage every good relationship I had.
Explains why I am not married.
I don't have very many good qualities.
I have 3 illnesses to deal with;maybe ones I don't even know I have.
I am scared to go to the doctor's tomorrow,I'm afraid I'll be thrown in the inpatient unit.and from there who knows what can happen.
Maybe institutionalized.
I don't take threats lightly,
It works to get some people to straighten up.
But in my book it's poor Psycology.
I have schizoaffective disorder, and when I was young I made fun of people who were different to fit in.
I found out to late that hate will get you no place.
In fact I'm still learning.
Johnny Lonely child
The Inner Child has spoken
jpw2008? Im sad reading your reply. I understand how u feel. There are times when I cant even watch the News on T.V. as nothing sinks in just like u couldnt read all the article... I think u got the main message. ITs a positive step that you REALISE that you sabotaged [I did too] your relationships. You say youve no good points, Im sure many would disagree, this low self esteem and self loathing is part of the Depression and accompanying disorders. Dont give up on yourself, youve alot of support here. Go to the Docs. Say what u need to, be calm and remember, you deserve to be treated as the decent human being you are.
Hi LONELY BOY - This sounds awful and trite, but it works ! Write down your good points, try and remember good deeds, helpful things u did for others, delete the negative stuff. put the good points in a row .Keep the Note and read it later sometime when u are full of self Loathing. The fact youre on this helpSite is one good thing about u. youre helping others !
Oh Rose...your comment is making me cry...it is so honest and...beautiful.
You absolutely do have so much to share!
I think maybe we all need to redefine "success" and especially when we are dealing with seeminly insurmoutable challenges. I just want to stay in the ring...keep fighting. Success for me is that I don't stop trying.
I am grateful for your words and also your kindness...that was really nice what you said about my mom...I think you are right. She knew what was coming and was just...afraid. I got so mad at her but...when I look back...her efforts were so huge considering the cards she was dealt.
You are very appreciated here. Thank you for all of your contributions.
Hi Merely Me, thanks so much for your compliments. I went online this morning feeling low and dejected. Your message made me feel somewhat valuable! Yes, Im beginning to try and re evaluate the whole 'Success' thing and not to buy into the Media s Version ie Fantastic Career,Lotsa money,etc., I have a v cold family who never visit. they are all very intelligent high achievers but somewhat shallow,materialistic, thats an observation, not a critisism. They have no time for me because they cant understand why I'm not out there on television, or Media or that I didnt rise to the top when i worked with homeless etc. I have come to the conclusion that if I dont want to SABOTAGE MY HAPPINESS I have to accept that they will never change... I have to change. Change my need for 1. love and acceptance 2. any type of affirmation or 3.Understanding of how difficult my illness makes my life from them.
They never call. I can sabotabe my happiness by recycling in my head 'they never call why?' 'Im a nice person, why dont I fit in with them?' etc but it makes me ill, its very Toxic. Everyone does the best they can.Sometimes they give up for awhile, life can be tiring. Today Merely Me and all online, promise yourselves to say 'Cancel' or 'Delete' everytime a Sabotaging thought comes into your minds. IF only, I wish, I should have, she should have, they should have, is a recipe for Depression. Love to u all. This Site is very helpful to me.
Hi Merely me,
You are so brilliant it kills me.
I am not going to say your mother was right or wrong.
My mom is mentally ill and didn't admit it till late last year.
Your mom although very flawed actually admitted she had an illness.
Not saying she didn't punish you for being who you are,I try to look beyond the illness.
I don't always succeed,I've stuck with my mother through a lot of hard times.
She took care of me when I was sick,I took care of her(for the most part)when she was sick.
I don't know what diatribe is.
I don't understand a lot of technical stuff.
I couldn't read the email it was too long.
Maybe when I feel better I can
The Inexperienced Johnny Lonely boy
I have a bit of a different take on this.
When I have been depressed for a while, I have a great deal of trouble learning to be happy again - changing gears. Something inside me doesn't want to let go of it. Just don't know how anymore. I start feeling somewhat better, doing a few things, but to actually laugh again? That's another story. And I wonder if that isn't my own fault.
It's like you have to learn to be that other person again - the light-hearted one, the energetic one, the one who can be friendly and outgoing. To try to become that other person feels almost like you need to play act. It doesn't come naturally. It feels false and insincere.
I have bipolar disorder and am going through a long series of mixed moods - okay for a couple of days and then into the depths for a day or two. I never know how I'm going to wake up from day to day. I don't trust my mood. I don't trust myself to be happy, because it's almost certainly followed by depression. So I just pass through the days - guarded - guarded against what seems to have become inevitable. And so, it's pretty hard to be happy. I look for positive things to do, things that will boost my spirit. But the furthest up I can go is flat.
And my question to myself is: "Could I be happier if I would only try?" "Am I doing something wrong?" Am I sabotaging my own happiness?
Marja, you have described ME exactly.I suffer Bipolar and am type 2, as u know that means exactly as u say. Not knowing from Day to Day how youre going to feel. I know exactly what u mean by changing Gear. Last night I was happy and lauging at a dvd. I wentto bed feeling happy [had been very up and down all week] then this morning I woke with churning stomach 4am, anxiety, dread, if I was meeting aman for a Date today I would seem like a totally different person. Of course I hide the depression as much as possible coz who wants to be with you ? Living alone, when ~i meet the few pals that have stuck by me, I make the effort to be OK. It takes a great effort. I feel Marja that its worth the effort. I dont want to sabotage my life anymore youre the same im sure. I think we gotta Accept that we have this illness, like the weather, u kinda dont know what its gonna do, I went to a Support Group a while back run by my hospital. they had a saying that may help - ITS BETTER TO ACT YOURSELF INTO A FEELING THAN TO FEEL YOURSELF INTO AN ACTION. So I find that ACTING sometimes does help. Give yourself a pat on the back today, we have a horrible illness, its not like Bipolar 1 where at least u know youre going to be this way or that way for a number of weeks, its erratic and harder in many ways. Bipolar 1 is awful too i know.
We are the Silent Survivors, the heroes without Medals !! Have a good day
Hi
It's hard when you've been hurt so bad.
It takes time to heal.
Notice I didn't say recovery.
Healing is possible,I'm not so sure about recovery.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Look at something you enjoy, or do something you enjoy.
I'm still trying to do that.
Me,I like to help people if and when I can.
I have to except that not everyone will like what I have to say.
Or even listen.
When they listen, ah, thats where the joy comes for me.
Thank you and everyone on this site for listening,
Johnny Lonely Boy
Ps each of us has some talent, Some of us have to do some "soul searching" to find it
Don't dream It's over,
Johnny Lonely Boy
Marja...
You are so genuine and candid about your experience...I am so appreciative.
I can relate some. I have often thought this about myself as well...I have no idea who I will be when I wake up. It seems the moods just can roll in like a sudden storm...and no warning. It can be so hard to live like this.
You have described this so well.
It is like...how can one day be so light and the next day be so dark?
Sometimes you just wish for no emotions at all. But then you aren't living I suppose.
I want you to keep writing here. You are a mirror for so many of us. I know it helps me to know that there is someone else who is dealing with similar issues.
Thank you Marja.
Hi Lonely Boy, youve just said it in your email - you like helping people, thats a very very unselfish thing. It means u have the capacity to reach out, to forget your own pain and to listen, care and give of yourself emotionally. thats a wonderful gift to have and whats more, you like doing it !! Dont ever think youve nothing to offer. Ive been reading your post over last week or so since I joined, you have helped me .
I think I've realized that what I'm really afraid of is feeling joy. Happiness can be contentment or peacefulness with oneself, but joy - that's getting WAY up there! It's almost like if my emotions could be compared to a ferris wheel or roller coaster, joy would be at the very top, but then there's that stomach-lurching descent that you know is coming. It seems that whenever I've let myself feel joy, someone or something comes along and blows it away. On the one hand, I know I've LET them destroy it, but it often seems that I don't see it coming, can't reinforce myself against it. The expression, "tears of joy" makes sense to me because not only can joy make me cry, but in the back of my heart, I also recognize the grief felt along the way and that will be there again. Maybe I can get to the point some day of being able to just appreciate pure joy when it happens and not fear or expect a plunge to the bottom. I don't think it's reasonable to expect to feel joyful the majority of the time, but feeling at peace with myself - that would be nice. Peace would mean accepting my full range of emotions, whatever they bring. Thanks, Merely Me, for raising the topic.
Yes, Kudos to merely me for such great questions and animated discussion.
A roller coaster ride is exactly what it is. Joy is hard to achieve but well worth the effort.
I don't feel like I'm loved by anyone.
I know I am so I search for it outside of myself to make myself whole.
Merely Me wrote me on the subject of acceptance.
If you don't accept myself I won't be able to recieve the love thats out there.
I find it hard to grasp.
I have to keep working at it.
We have a challenge with the trying times ahead.
Keep up the fight,
It will be worth it,
Johnny Lonely Boy
You know...I can totally relate to this. It seems like when you feel joy...you are also vulnerable. I am always like..."uh oh...when is the shoe going to drop?" If you are way up there...the bottom seems a long way to fall. I think if you look for the fall...you kinda make it more likely to happen. I think sometimes we sabotage ourselves because it gives us control. That way...someone or something else won't catch us unawares. Does that make sense?
Very insightful comment. Thank you.
Hello Judy U make so much sense when you speak about someone or something coming along and spoiling your Joy. It can be a hurtful remark, thoughlessness on the part of someone else, News on TV. Like you say, peace of mind and acceptance of our illness and the ability to keep on working at getting Serentiy and peace is paramount.
I feel Judy that part of the Depressive illness is low self esteem and we are so fragile, our joy, our happiness can be plummeted into the depths by the action or words of others. Its as if we give others such power and also we are just very senssitive people. I am working at trying not to let others coldness or lack of understanding and hurtful remarks take my peace away. Recently, a longtime friend said that Antidepessants werea 'Crutch', that everyone got depressed. Since I dont go into details of the awful blackness and Anxiety and Agoraphobia I suffer during bad bouts, I found this awfully hurtful and it took my Happiness and peace away. Now Im working hard at not allowing ignorant remarks etc take my happiness away. Joy is a wonderful thing. For me its transient. Thats part of the illness. I dont see many joyful people around when I visit my local gigantic Shopping Mall across the road, do you? Hang in there and dont let anyone take your peace.
Thank you, Rose. I totally agree with the sensitivity issue - I KNOW I am too much that way. Not only do I get easily hurt, but if I even have the slightest sense that someone needs something, I feel like I'm the one who has to provide it and if I don't really want to, then I suffer from guilt. I have been working on this a long time and it's extremely hard because it feels like being between a rock and a hard place! I wonder sometimes if my feeling of responsibility comes from the simple wish to prevent anyone being angry with me, as I grew up in a family where anger and abuse were everyday occurrences and my energy was taken up figuring out how to either avoid them or minimize them. So, having finely-tuned "radar" was how I managed. I don't need it as much any more, but it's very hard to shut off. The funny thing is, when I can shut it off, then I feel like a bad person because I'm insensitive! I really can't win that one, can I? I'm kind of half-laughing to myself about that, but I only wish it WAS funny. I have a feeling that you may experience this, as well, and it helps to be able to explain it and know that people understand. Thanks again, Rose.
Hi again Judy, ~Pussy Footing around and walking on Eggshells was part of my childhood too -'Sorry for existing' attitude, I used to shut doors so quietly, never raise my voice. I learnt to be nobody, not to have my own needs. I think we became people pleasers in order to survive ! However the Survival mechanism that we used in our childhoods is no longer needed but our brains have obviously got the script inscribed somewhere ! If I was to describe myself in one sentence Id say 'If a aperson bumps into me I say sorry' Im trying to realise Im a person with needs, one of those is not to be hurt or have to agree or pander to anyone, the freedom to be myself. When I can be that, I believe alot of anxiety and Depression will ease, although I realise that I have a Medical condition. Take care
Merely me, this makes so much sense to me. The fear of the unknow is always scarier than something you know, no matter how bad it is. However, being someone who got to a point where I was mostly content, even happy, only to suffer a severe anxiety attack and return into depression years later--I can tell others it is never as bad as it seems. Though I am upset to be feeling this way after feeling good so long, I am more determined than ever now to go back there. Besides, even when I am in the depths of depression, I always think, nothing could be worse than this. It is scary though.
Hi! This is exactly something I am struggling with now. I am holding myself back. Not sure why. Afraid of what could happen and work it would take to get there. It's easier (not wiser) to remain status quo.
Also, I'm not sure if it is my MS or not. But, I get overwhelmed from stress MUCH easier than I did before the MS. I can't handle many things anymore emotionally that normally I would just "deal" with myself. How many of us struggle with this?
Lanette
My sister has MS. Unfortionately, it took many years to diagnose. I hope for you that either way, you get a diagnosis quickly. There are some great support groups for people with MS, my sister has been very encouraged through her local group. The MS society web-site has some great resources. It is daunting to think about fighting both depression and a disease like MS. I can barely function with my depression. However, my sister has shown me that it is possible. She has learned to truly take life one day at a time.
I will pray for you.
Rose
40 years with bipolar and anxiety disorder, I have my happy moments and write them down to remind me of them when I get into a funk. But being happy all the time is not a realistic thing I have to remind myself not everybody is happy or sad all the time. This thinking seems to help me, but when I see a happy person I feel sadness in the pit of my stomach. Double edge sword.
my "good" days are becoming less and less-------------i'm so lonely that i wonder why continue----------- ifeel abandoned by my family ------------ no one calls or comes by---------i'm by myself so much i've started sleeping thru the days to be able to deal with it but it doesn't really help.
WOW We are so much alike. I Feel Exactly what you are saying here. Lonely and always Crying inside. When I go to bed I cry, As soon as I wake up in the morning I Cry, I feel like I have to try to make it another day feeling so empty, lonely, and sad. I have no interest's, No talent, No hobbies, I hate Me
Hi to everyone
The word depression affects most people in theirs lives from mild, moderate to severe.We all can suffer at work, home or on the sports feild to help relieve the effects. When i looked after a elderly person in my late twenty's to early thirties i give so much both to her both mentally and physically it was very tiring.I saw this person from stage one of alzihemers through to the end.
I am bipolar but will get down through life events. Should have divorce papers but something is being help up (was suppose to be April). This has been a real downer
but I know I feel better because it had to be done.
I real all merely me notes. They are great.
Tuesday, my beloved doberman was put to sleep - it was simply awful.
But by working two days of yard work where I would now and then think
of Duke it so helped. I was not in the house where all the memories.
Then had a fight with my boyfriend. What 3 problems can do to a person's mind.
So I to put it down in simple terms, have a problem with finding happiness out\
of all of this. But I'm finding happiness through out.
Thanks merely me!
Linda H D
I just started a sales associate job 4 weeks ago at a department store. I really love working again and my co-workers are great. But.....it is really stressful balancing work and family since I basically have been home the last 14 years. I did work for 1 1/2 yrs. four yrs. ago and then did a Christmas season this past year. I did this to get my confidence up in order to take on more hours. I have Bipolar II as well as having two daughters, 17 Bipolar I and 20 Bipolar II. I advocated for them and continue to do so for my youngest at school and this took all of my energy to stay on top of things. Now we are all trying to adjust to me not being around as much, keeping the house up, and for me, still trying to find time for myself and my husband. He has stuck with me for 25 yrs. this month and never knows what he is coming home to with three girls. He also has had 2 bouts of mild depression. I did manage to have lunch two Fridays ago with a friend and picked up flowers to plant. I do love getting my hands in the dirt! I need so much more sleep now and can't seem to get back to my Saturday 7:30 AM Bible study or Church. I'm still not laughing much these days and seem to be exhausted when I get home from work. Trying to choose to be happy and hang in there. Thanks for the encouraging article!
I have been fighting depression most of my adult life. I learned about cognitive distortions which tells us that those negative thoughts we feel about ourselves are not true. But what if they are true? That's my problem, I truly believe those negative thoughts. I really am lazy, I really am not very good at anything in particular, I really am not a very good person. I am always trying to improve myself. I know how beneficial exercise is, for both general health and depression. I can never stick to a program. I am catholic and try to pray and put my life in God's hands. I fail at that too. I have so many blessings in my life; a wonderful husband and 3 great kids. I can't say that I do my best at anything I do. Well, I spend some days doing what I think is my best, yet I fall short.
So the question is, am I resisting my own happiness? Well. DUH!! The problem is there is just too much to overcome and I am obviously not willing to commit to the process.
For those of you who suffer with me, I will pray for you that you. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Rose.
I really don't feel I deserve to be happy. I feel ugly and a bad person. I get mad with pms and because of being molested I feel dirty. I used to sleep around and get drunk to blank out the hurt, but never knew what I was blanking out. I am married now, but I still get bouts, I am seeing a therapist. I think depression/PTSD is the worse disease ever. At least with a bad pain you can kill it with a pain killer, but the mind is different.
"One of the reasons we may sabotage our happiness is that we fear the expectation to maintain this level of wellness". That is probably the best description I have heard. After having a rare happy day, I normally find myself crying at night, out of fear that I won't have another happy day again, or I'm afraid that if I am consistantly happy, and then crash, the person who I confide in won't be there to help me or understand that I still need help and support. It is scary to feel happy and not know if it will happen again. It is so disappointing to feel taht down after a high, it is often easier to just not feel at all.
I am 52 years old. After many years of feeling sad, as far back as childhood, and feeling like I bore the weight of the world on my shoulders, I finally got help about 12 years ago, went on meds., started counseling. That allowed me to have passion about things for the first time in my life. At first, I was reluctant to continue the meds....I don't like to take medications and thought I was "fixed" after a while. Today, I live and with and accept my major depressive disorder, which is cyclical, and take three different meds. for it daily. I now look at my mental illness as what it is, an illness and not who I am. That all being said, I can definitely relate to this article. I have been able to make major changes in my life to be healthier mentally and have removed negative stresses and I'm proud of that. But it hasn't been easy. I separated from my husband of 28 years, live alone, and find being around people a struggle, which I often avoid. I have brought the level of maintaining my mental health to a manageable level. Am I truly happy? No. Do I feel desolate most days? Yes. But when I wake up and have a very down day, I know another day will be better and just wait it out. I "hibernate" because I know in my case, this too shall pass, all while keeping a full time job. I get less talkative on these days, can't concentrate, but write everything down I need to do and check things off as I do them. It's exhausting but I do have good days. I am on a medication commonly used for bipolar disorder as well as two other antidepressants, anti anxiety meds. It's taken me a few years to find the right combination and see a psychiatrist every six weeks. But I often wonder if I have become comfortable with this routine and am afraid to hope for more. It's a constant challenge...
This is the first time that I have been on this website and it is wonderful. I went through a painful divorce 5 months ago. He had actually gotten another woman pregnant while he was married to me. I ended up finding out from the other woman. Since all this has happened, he still proclaims his undying love for me and tells me that he will wait for me forever. He then goes out on dates. I feel worthless at times because he does this to me. I feel like no one will want me because it seems he didn't want me. I know that this is craziness and that I should remove him from my life completely, with the exception of the kids. I Mom made the comment that she thinks I like to be miserable and that is why I don't cut all ties to him. This worries me. I want to feel better and I want to move on. I've lost about 25 lbs so far and I was crying alot. My kids tell me that there is too much drama between me and their dad. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. How do I move on when I'm scared to death?
I HAVE A LONG HISTORY OF DEPRESSION & SELF SABOTAGE BEHAVIOUR. HOWEVER I HAVE THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS. MY HUSBAND IS FIERCLEY SUPPORTIVE OF ME AND OUR REALATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ROCK SOLID UNTIL NOW.
I HAVE CONTACTED A MALE BY PHONE WHO I FOUND ATTRACTIVE AND CONFRONTED HIM ABRUPTLY WITH MY SEXUAL FEELINGS. ALTHOUGH HE EXPLAINED HE WASN'T INTERESTED I BEGAN TO GET ANNONYMOUS CALLS WHEN OUR PATHS CROSSED. THINGS WOULD BE QUIET FOR A FEW MONTHS THEN I WOULD SEE HIM DRIVE PAST MY STREET AND THE PHONE CALLS WOULD START.
I WAS DRUNK ONE NIGHT AND TEXTED HIM WITH A SEXUAL STATEMENT. HE REPLIED STATING HE WOULD GO TO THE POLICE WITH THE TEXT IF I CONTACTED HIM AGAIN. PROBLEM IS I DON'T KNOW IF I EVEN LIKE HIM AT ALL. I CAN'T APPOLOGISE ABOUT MY BEHAVIOUR TO HIM BECAUSE HE HAS WARNED ME NOT TO CONTACT HIM. HE KNOWS MY FAMILY WELL AND I HAVE A LOT OF HAPPINESS AT STAKE. IF MY HUSBAND KNEW HE WOULD BE GRIEF STRICKEN. THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF MY BEHAVIOUR THAT I FIND HARD TO COPE WITH AND ITS WHAT CAUSES MY DEPRESSION. ITS ALL SELF INFLICTED.
This was such an inspirational writing. Yesterday, Friday, I met with my therapist for the second time in less than 15 hours, and at the moment all I can think of is, what will it be like when I no longer see her on a weekly basis. Its like I need her to tell me I'm going to be fine, yet I seem to not want that day to come. I've been in intensive therapy with her since July 2010, meeting weekly, and its as though I have just begun to be honest, really honest with her, holding nothing back. She is 13 years younger than me, and I guess I hadn't wanted her to really see the me that not even my wife or family knows exists. On the surface I have been a successful professional for most of my career, yet internally I've never guite felt as though I fit in with the norms. Although I had been to two other PHD's, one saying I was cured after meeting about 15 times over a year, and the other, whom when I would speak to her it was as though I was trying to sell her aluminum siding for her new home. She just seemed to bored. Then I found my current therapist(s) now there are three from the same practice, who really seem to care and are passionate about helping. Its like I was prepared for anything, yet I wasn't prepared to find these three women who really do care. And it feels right.
I should add that I too have the "I'll feel better when, fill in the rest."
When I graduated from college in 2000 with as AAS in Management I thought this would be enough. No. Went back to University in 2005, Graduated Cum Laude in 2008, I'll feel better when I greaduate, No, actually felt worse, depression and anxiety filtered in. Just didn't seem to me it was enough. Began Graduate School in January 2009, I'll feel good then, no, not exactly. I'm 21 credits in, almost perfect GPA and I still am waiting for that day, that has yet to come. Now its, I'll feel better when I get a teaching job, will I? I prefer just to sleep at the moment. Its as though I've been dreaming and will awake only to find that I'm still in high school and that my life has been a dream.
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I did sabatage my own happiness once. Regretted every minute and year of it. I was getting towards living with people and my family wonderfully, until I stopped cold turkey on my medicines. All that time, I cried, sulked, slept, drank coffee and smoked more than normal, and never once did I hate not doing it. I enjoyed sabataging my happiness, until I saw one of my daughters acting like me. I cried and cried. So, I got help, better medicine and love my family now. I will NEVER, EVER go back to that time in my life. If I could do it all over, I'd never have done that, I would have gotten more help. Now, I'm severely depressed, but I'm able to wake up every morning, and say "Praise God!" I'm up getting my coffee, and having it WITH
Sounds like you and I have the same syndrome.
the "i'll be happy when" syndrome.
I don't know much.
You sound like you are doing well.
Here's a motto both of us need to follow.
Each Morning I wake up and say to myself,I have two choices today.
I can Choose to be in a Good mood or I can choose to be in a Bad mood.
I always choose to be in a good mood.
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or learn from it.
I always choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining,I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life.
Life is all about Choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice; you choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or in a bad mood. It's your choice how you live your life.
Every day you have the choice to either love your life or to hate it. The only thing that is truly yours-that no one can control or take from you-is your attitude, so if you can take care of that,everything in life becomes easier.
I am only relating this because I have a very bad temper.
I have problems tolerating pain, I don't want to see people ruin there lifes by hating their life.
Life is a gift. Rev 4: 11
All Praise goes to god,the glory the honor and the power.
I think you are a very strong capable mother and wife,Just struggling unfortunately with Problems you weren't meant to have.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
I have a sying" This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."
You are very smart.
I couldn't figure out the email Merely Me sent.
Johnny Lonely child
Yes, I do have that syndrome, the 'I'll be happy when" syndrome! I always wake up now saying I want to be in a good mood, I have days when I don't WANT to be in that good mood, but sometimes my 4 year old won't let me, he's a sweetie for it also. He makes me smile or laugh out loud and laugh alot, so hard, it makes my eyes tear up! I'm trying to be strong, but some days it doesn't work, but some days it does, and that's when I thank God for the good days. I read my Bible when days are bad, and it helps. You didn't hurt my feelings, we are sounding as if we are of the same mold! We both have the same problems, but we will get over them, thru God, anything is possible! I'm doing what I can everyday, but, not really well, but I'm trying, it's hard, but I'm willing to take on the battle. So, you take care, you know alot, you have responded to 2 of my comments, and I'm glad you did. You keep your chin up, and keep telling yourself, as I do, days will get better if we want them to, which I do!! Hugs to you, you're great!!
Hi
I always enjoy the psalms.
One of my favs. is Psalm 24.
One of King David's songs
Johnny Lonely Boy
Psalms is my favorite also!! Especially Psalms 23. The best!
Don't blame yourself for not having good relationships and not being married, maybe it just wasn't meant to be, God is the one that knows whats meant to be and what isn't. Go with your heart on relationships, just because you are ill, doesn't mean there isn't SOMEBODY for you!! Maybe down the road, you'll find someone that will help you with love and not worry or judge you in your illness. It took my husband several years to not judge me and my illness, and it took alot of me talking to him about my illness so he could understand it more and me and my moods. I have been diagnoosed with sever depression, sometimes the Dr. says it Bipolar, but I beg to differ with her. I was in a mental hospital once, didn't like it and stayed for a week. Hated my husband during my time there, whenever he visited and when I got out. He put me there because he didn't understand my illness as good as he wanted. I was glad to be there, because I opened my own eyes to my illness and understood I could have good days more than the bad ones if I wanted. So, 6 years later, I'm here, enjoying life to the fullest and loving every minute of it, so can you!! Could probably still use a different medicine, but the Dr hasn't mentioned that yet, hopefully soon!! Like I said, hugs to you from me, because they are free!!!!
Actually my father took a lot of talking to to reach him too.
I meant Psalms 23 sorry.
I get those confused.
Johnny lonely boy
Oh I am so sorry you had to go through that bad time. I think we have all been there to some extent. I am glad you have found a way to wake up and feel as though you can survive what comes. Thank you for sharing your resilience and strength with us.