Regarding the suicide hotlines, unfortunately, they're not always the best alternative when you feel like you're going to check out.  I've had a couple of experiences where the person on the other end of the line says something like "Well, are you going to do it?  Because if so, I have to call 911," and they're not willing to hear what you're going through, which is their role.  That person, and another in so many words, said "If you're not going to actually do it, and you just called to 'talk,' I have to move on to someone else.  We're really busy right now."  So basically, what their role is, as they put it, is to get you to admit you're in the act of slashing your wrist, taking the pills, hanging yourself, or whatever your preferred mode is, and they will call 911, or they have to move on to the next person.  There's no place, as they put it in so many words, to talk yourself down.  I felt SO much worse after calling, and I will never call again.  When my cat dies, I will take my pills because I haven't been able to find a compatible therapist -- and by the way, secure (in themselves) therapists do tell things about themselves when it's appropriate (not deep details, but they do share some things) -- and this damn depression and chronic physical pain I have is not letting up but getting worse.  The suicide hotlines, the national ones, lead back to your particular state, so you're getting the same people with the same philosophy.  It's not like you can try a different one and get a different group of people with a different leader who has instilled a different perspective in his team.  We live in a country where people are largely not nice to each other, and don't connect.  Europe and Mexico, India, lots of other countries are so different.  Very supportive of each other, and don't have that "PULL YOURSELF UP BY YOUR OWN BOOTSTRAPS!" mentality.  They don't see helping and supporting each other as a weakness.  I'm so done with looking for a therapist who doesn't have that mentality who takes my insurance, because ironically, if you have insurance, you can't use a therapist you're compatible with if s/he doesn't take your insurance, even if you're willing to pay cash.  This health system is SO screwed up.  I can't stand being alive today.  Nobody post anything about "Keep trying" because I'm almost 50 and I've been trying since my early teens.  SO done.  I thought people who were going to use the suicide hotlines should know what is potentially in store for them.  Maybe it's worth a try, but have your kevlar bullet-proof vest on for when they tell you your problem isn't bad enough because you're not currently in the act of killing yourself, you're only on the verge, and other people are waiting.

Merely Me

5/25/09 9:24am

I hear you.

 

The system ain't perfect. 

 

I had a time of it when I called the hotlines where I was cut off or put on hold.  At one point I was screaming into the phone because the connection was so bad.  I know you are not going to want to hear this but...I kept trying though.  I hung up and kept dialing numbers.  And I finally did get someone who was able to help me. 

 

Believe me...I am one who has been through the system and knows what it is like.  My mother has schizophrenia so I have seen it all as far as the mental health system goes.

 

I will never be one to say "pick yourself up by the bootstraps."  That is a simplistic cliche much like "snap out it" and does nothing to help.

 

But I will say that being open to the possibility of getting help or being open to people being kind and compassionate may help.  If you close all the doors by negating everything based upon prior experiences then you miss opportunities to help yourself. 

 

I have been in numerous situations my whole life where I could wring my hands and say..."all is lost and give up hope" but I could never do it even when it seemed senseless to keep going.  Am I a saint?  No...perhaps an idiot.  But you have to keep one small part of you alive with what seems to be illogical hope.

 

I can tell you have much anger in you.  If it helps to rage against someone trying to help...I welcome it.  Because it will keep you going. 

 

Tell us more.  I wish to hear it. 

suzanne

11/ 3/09 9:48pm

i been where you have. gun in my mouth, pills poured out on the table. hotlines are cold and ask if your serious. isn't that why i'm calling. sometimes you need someone just to listen.  and if your serious you won't call a hotline. you just do it. 

 

but it takes more courage and strenght to live than to give up. i know it can suck but we are alot stronger than what we give ourselves credit for.

my mom always said you know it is bad here but who knows what or how bad the other side is, cause nobody has came back to tell ya.

 

please don't give up you have so much to offer. 

jane

3/ 3/10 7:19pm

I had this urge once.. and I called a "suicide line" and it was ridiculous (as you say).. I was laid-off my job after many yrs of being depressed and I didn't know how to feel anymore.  I didn't get ANY help because there s NO help in America anymore for people who are severly depressed or mentally ill.  It's a shame.. but, a fact.  I guess all you can do is pull yourself up by the "bootstraps" as you say.  That or you can silently kill yourself.  I suggest that if you do the latter you leave a note stating that you could not recieve help.. if only to maybe one day hope that they will help others as a result.  As a seriously depressed person.. I feel your pain. Pills do not help many.. I have no insurance or money to pay for treatment/therapy.  Nobody wants to go to jail or be locked up for being depressed.  I don't get why you have to get to the point of harming yourself or others.. At ths point it is too late.  A person who calls a suicide line clearly is asking for help so they will not harm self or others.  I'm sorry you are going thru this.  God bless and try to hang in there.         

Phoenix10

8/21/10 9:29pm

I apologize, I didn't look at the date of your post but I hope I'm not to late with my response. I'm a mental health social worker, BSW, will soon obtain my MSW. I share as much as I can professionally with my clients. I want them to know that I am human full of flaws and shortcomings and going through my own personal hell sometimes. While I can't do "individual therapy" sessions technically, I do provide a lot of supportive counseling while engaging my clients. I don't sugar coat things, I cry with them, laugh with them and even curse and get angry along with them about the injustices in this messed up world we live in. The one and only thing I can say to you is that you do matter, even if you feel you don't your absence will be felt by someone. I can't take the pain, anguish or deep depression away for my clients, but I do try and help them obtain/learn the tools do deal with whatever they're going through better. I always look at life as an opponent in a boxing match, I refuse to let it beat me, so I keep fighting the fight, even when it seems hopeless, just can't give up. I would never tell a client to hang in there, I would say to them "what is a life worth living" in other words create a pocket of peace for yourself and learn skills and to not worry about what others are doing and do what works for you. One last thing, always only surround yourself with people and things that can only make you feel better. 

Trying so hard......

3/10/11 2:35pm

I completely agree with you. I called a suicide hotline when I was suffering and really wanting to die, and the lady grilled me for my name and address. It was actually scary and I ended up hanging up. It only made me feel worse. I don't believe people who work on these hotlines are trained to be counselors. Sometimes what we want is just for someone to help us feel better at the moment - the hotlines are not a good place for that.

 

I recently have been trying to find counseling and a doctor at health clinics because I have no insurance. The biggest problem I'm running into is they are all booked. The one place that has free therapy (with student therapists) have a waiting list that is completely full. And the sliding scale health clinic is booked for months. This is very hard on a person who is desperate for help. This country is not a place for poor or uninsured. You need money to get help.

 

The problem with depression is it causes very negative thinking and everything is so hopeless. It is very debilitating and when you try to get help, there isn't any (unless you have money that is).

 

There's one place I'd like to suggest for women. The YWCA has free domestic violence therapy groups. But you really don't have to be a current victim of domestic violence to go to the groups. There are many women there who are going through divorce, or have PTSD from any sort of abuse or cruelty from the past,... it's a place for women. Their resources are extremely limited and sometimes it feels like the only thing they have to offer is free little bottles of shampoo donated by local hotels, but the therapy groups are there as well.

Hi,

I've been going around with high blood pressure and high triglycerides as well as depression and PMDD--all untreated, except for getting my hands on any SSRI antidepressant I could find via mail order bootleg or from family members, since my divorce 6 years ago. No ins., no money, single mom raising 3 children.

I went to the Rx Outreach site and have complete faith that I will be able to afford the meds. now.  I plan to see my primary doc as soon as school starts and my income returns (private music teacher).  Because of you and only you, I know that there is hope for me.  I already have an Rx Acess card which does me not enough good to pay for any meds.  I needed an antibiotic for an abcessed tooth and it cost me $90 for a one month supply.  This is only 1 prescription. 

Until now I believed I would die an early death.  I WILL be getting my needed prescriptions and am looking forward and with hope.  God bless you and I cannot thank you enough.

 P.S. with all this said, I am STILL against socialized medicine, 100%.

We're depressed and we feel stuck, we want to change, we sense that there is help out there, a better life waiting for us and we haven't given up yet as we're still searching for help but every time we run into a brick wall it increases our hopelessness and depression.

I know many of us have a problem with pride because society looks down on us for being ill and being stuck. Many of us are not truly mentally ill, we're the sane ones, but emotionally ill. We are rational people, but we are depressive realists - our life sucks and we know it. Therapy isn't going to help us much because we're already self aware to know why we're sad, drugs can't screw with us when we aren't chemically imbalanced, we're just REALISTS, that's why we're depressed, something which is not our fault, we don't have the natural protective coating most others have of self-denial, and the stigma hurts us, so we become very proud.

Some of us had very promising beginnings, gifted as youths and the shame at "failure to launch" has crippled us, I understand. It's the wound that we can't really name. Many of us have suffered from horrible abuse, or are still suffering from it.

It's hard to afford all the things we need as far as healthcare when most of us who are stuck are unemployed/underemployed/unemployable.

I guess the longterm answer for people like us is to move to Canada ?

Supposedly, Canada needs immigrants.

Use whatever funds you can, if you're unemployed and isolated from friends and family I understand it's much more difficult to obtain a passport, (100$) or pay for travel to there, but once you're in Canada you can get temp work, later apply for a visa, stay at a shelter temporarily, find/make a friend online and stay with them temporarily etc.

So do what you can now to get there, sell something you own, or stand on a corner with a sign explaining your situation, then collect donations, go to a park and dance, sing, or play an instrument with a sign about your predicament and an open hat. Think I'm full of shit???????? Hey you have to lower yourself.

Humiliation is a kind of death isn't it?

Think of your next "humiliation" as your suicide and challenge yourself to do it.
A temporary pain that will bring you longterm relief.

Thats what suicide is, isn't it?

You only live once, so live out loud.

Are the cliches making you smile or just pissing you off?

Look, seriously once you kill your ego before you kill yourself, you will no longer be attached to this world and that might sound suicidal but it's really not - once you're no longer attached, things can't hurt you in the same manner that's crippling you now.

Yes you get hurt but it's not the same that you feel now, it doesn't crush you, it doesn't make you trapped, and you begin to only appreciate the good things, the small things.  You don't feel pain from the desire for a "normal life", you don't feel crippled by your failures, you no longer feel shame because you don't try to own anything and aren't hurt by not being able to. You're only here temporarily, we all are, you're just passing through so don't torture yourself! Why torture yourself, when life will do it for you?!

I won't reccomend doing anything that will cause you longterm suffering, as that would be counterproductive, but an humiliation like begging, or working doing something you might consider beneath you, won't hurt you longterm - but Hey if you're willing to kill your body and your life, remember this, first kill your ego and do what you need to do, because a better life is waiting for you.

And since after you die there is NOTHING waiting for you - why not seek the something? - the something has it's moments of relief.

Why kill yourself now when there is one more awesome piece of chocolate cake to devour?  Another beautiful morning birdsong. One more summer rain to fall on your face and hands. One more song to discover. One more interesting thing to learn yeah, for free, at the library. One more freshly brewed cup of coffee and buttertoast. Another invigorating whiff of just-mowed grass. One more possibility.
Another moment of joy from your pet's pure and simple happiness, or another helpless future pet that needs your rescue and love.

Another human soul just like you who needs a hug. Even a virtual one.

((((((((((((((you)))))))))) lol

What I'm essentially saying is procrastinate at killing yourself, because despite the pain and suffering that life throws at you, there is still one. more. moment. of joy and splendour to be had,... again and again and again.

Relief.

Simple everyday things are beautiful and there is magic in an ordinary day. The shield of physical death is not the only shield there is, make your own world and live in that.

  I worked at Walmart and I got hired there after not working my entire life. Once establishing a work history and a list of references, from there I was able to get a decent job as a customer service rep for a phone company and from there a well paying job in a doctor's office. Yeah I'm in my mid to late 20s but I see people hired at Walmart at any age. I felt it was beneath me to be a cashier, or a stock-person, "no one in my family is a cashier ffs, how can I do this, they're all nurses and attorneys and models and fashion designers and I'm a fucking wage-slave", those were my thoughts - but seriously, I no longer care, I renounced caring, I killed my ego!

Whatever you're dealing with thats trapping you in your situation is rooted in your thinking. We become what we think.

So work at Mcdonalds or Walmart for a week or however long you can stomach it or physically push it. (I don't know your situation) Save up the money to relocate to Canada where you will be able to have healthcare that you might need but not be able to afford now. Or work at Walmart forever, your choice.

After working part time I applied for federal aid here in the states to attend a local university and it helped me with the attendance fees, and with my measely walmart paycheck I paid for books and gas and food and rent. I signed up for classes and I'm happy doing something I never thought I'd ever be able to do, when I thought my life was over. Something new, something that might lead to something better. But so what if it doesn't? I'm having fun now. Who am I, really. Everything is an illusion, Nobody owns anything really. They borrow it for 50-60 years until their natural death.

Everything is temporary including this moment you're feeling of absolute fucking despair.

Normal, nagging, tolerable despair is right around the corner.:)

Coupled with all those simply beautiful moments you live for.

You will hit rock bottom again but you will also recover again, and you're here now (how the hell did that happen, the odds are amazing) and there's no reason for you to waste it, so just be here.

Just be. Here.

Nenaya

7/25/11 1:48pm

^This reply was meant for "Dark Prognosis" and anyone facing a similar situation.

I have already done all of the things that were stated, here in AZ. You get screwed if you are a female without a child. Places wont take you unless you have this insurance . You can't get help from anyone else. Trust me I tried. I got to the point of calling a suicide help line. And you know what? They hung up on me since I already tried all their resources. The area that I live in is a monopoly of the their mental health services so without that insurance you end up playing hundreds of dollars for help. Something I cannot do. So what is left?

Merely Me

9/23/11 4:36pm

Hi there

 

Saw your comment today and wanted to respond.  A national suicide hotline hung up on you?  What did they say before they hung up? 

 

I researched a bit and found the Arizona Department of Health Services.  They have a lot of contact information there for resources to call.  Are these the resources you have tried?

 

When I look further into this it seems that the budget for Arizona mental health services has been drastically cut.

 

Have you tried contacting NAMI?  The Information HelpLine is an information and referral service which can be reached by calling 1 (800) 950-NAMI (6264), Monday through Friday, 10 am- 6 pm, Eastern time.

 

We hear you.  This economy is not supportive of services for mental illness or mood disorders.  I wish I had a good answer for you but I don't.

 

When I was without insurance I went to my local community center and received services from a social worker in training.  It wasn't perfect but...it was all I could do. 

 

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

 

 

my name is Angela 

excuse for my writting as i am writting i am crying i feel anxious i can't sleep i feel fatigue heart pomputations i cry all time i can't eat i have these terrible mood swings i can't sit still phasing back and forth i hate life i scream at my animals for no reason  i have no money or insurance to see a doctor for depression i need help i live in orlando florida i dont even have a car to get were i want to get to see a doctor ..i am also having terrible thoughts ..about my life