The Depression Connection Question of the Week!

Hiyah Rose!

Wow...what a quick response...thank you!

Okay so...there is hope then for people who write in asking about whether it is possible for their loved one to enjoy the relationship as they once did?

I think you are so right that...depression does numb us and we lose so many of our passions.  What advice can you give for all the husbands, wives, boyfriends, and girlfriends out there who don't know what to do...when their loved one is so depressed?

Thank you so much for your input on this.

Hi again Merely me,   I type as I live and think, from the heart...The Advice Id give is not to softly Pussy Foot around the Deeply Depressed person, to try and live their lives to an extent, independently [emotionally speaking] to understand that much like someone whose got an apparatus across their mouth couldnt speak, the Depressed person basically, loses the ability to FEEL, to LOVE,  I would encourage the partner to get out and be with nondepressed people as the person living with the Acutely Depressed person really needs a break as they can become very worn out. Not to feel 'rejected' or 'dumped' to read as much as they can, online or otherways about Depression.  To discuss this issue with their partner when theyre well. To create certain boundaries so as not to be pulled in to the blackness. To realise that, with proper Therapy,Treatment, it WILL get better.    Finally, not to reward any bad behaviour [no matter how ill partner is]  not to become an 'enabler' someone who dotes, waits hand and foot on the Depressed person and turns a deaf ear to bad behaviour [via rudeness agitation that can be part of the illness] Understanding, consistent hope and a belief in their partners recovery from the bout of Depression and sometimes even 'Tough Love' and a good chat with the Psyciatrist/Therapist along wth ones partner to see how best to deal with the particular type of Depression.  I refer here to the Manic episodes and episodes where suffereres can become aggressive and abusive towards those closest to them.

All I can say is...this is really good advice Rose.  Just wanted to let people know...one of my fellow bloggers has written a great post here about this very topic.  Please do stop by to read it if you can.  Here is the link!

I have hypothryodism which caused my bout of depression.  I began to think irrationally about everything including the most important person in my life my boyfriend. These thoughts ranged from "you dont love him," "you should leave him." But i feel quite the opposite now that my hormones are improving and the depression is lifting because during the depression I was numb to love. I do still get those irrational thoughts but my positive thoughts are getting stronger.  Could this be due to the antidepressants i am taking or raise in synthryoid level? I just want those bad thoughts to go away because I really am maddly in love with my boyfriend of 7 years.  I see myself marrying this man. Prior to the depression caused by my hypothryoidism we were going through finacial issues with him being layed off and he has a sleeping disorder which always drove me nuts.  so I am thinking that those irrational thoughts are stemming from those stresses....Any thoughts...I really do love him and i am sooo inlove with him and dont want to go through this anymore.

You make so many good points...I don't know where to begin.

It is true...there is a difference to "being in love" and loving someone.  Love does change over time...it pretty much has to...and we either have to adapt or it goes sour. 

I always say...love is paying the mortgage together, or going to wallmart to buy toilet paper or...holding someone's head while they puke.  Love isn't all this dreamy fantasy stuff...love is hard work and at times...very unglamorous.  It includes sharing all the mundane day to day stuff. 

Depression makes all this day to day stuff harder.  The person who is depressed can feel unloveable and begins to try to make that self fullfilling prophecy.  Sometimes when I am at my lowest of lows...someone saying they love me seems the cruelest cut of all because I cannot imagine anyone loving me in that state.  It is like you are this wounded animal who crawls further back into the cage. 

Anyway...your comment is right on the mark and I do thank you for sharing your insights with us here.

Hi Judy, You make so much sense,I neglected to say in my post, that in my case [just like you Judy] I try and hide the fact that I'm depressed, with distorted thinking too, I found myself in my last relationship, being angry towards my partner;this anger was really my own anger and had nothing to do with him, well, if he did deserve some, the anger,  irritation I felt towards him, was out of proportion to his shortcomings.Your post is very insightful. Take Care

Dear anonymous,

when you are engaging in what you call stinking thinking are you aware of what you are doing at the time and you cannot help yourself? ... or do you become aware after you have taken your frustration out on another person or a loved one? This is just for curiosity because for me I am fully aware when my thinking is distorted. Usually it is difficult to do anything about it because I have lots of anger inside but I have been able to recognise this stinking thinking and, with tremendous strength, I have been able to do the opposite of what this stinking thinking tells me to do. So rather than be unfriendly and/ or accuse someone of having done something that they have not I force myself to be more friendly and more understanding. It is not easy but this is what I am doing now.

Dear Alfredo,

The professionals I have talked to have cautioned me to be aware of seeing life through 'depression colored glasses.' While I've always been aware of how the behavior of other people can be affected by the 'tint' of the 'glasses' that they wear, my pride can get in the way of applying this logic to myself. But I do try very hard to do so. Unfortunately, this only adds to the powerful discomfort I feel when interacting with other people in the first place. You see, I come from a very disfunctional family whose members I always had to 'walk on eggshells' around because of their 'hair trigger' tempers. Because of having a deep seated fear that all people are like that, and my over-riding desire to be just the opposite, I have a tendancy to withraw into a shell at the first hint of irrational behavior.

So it's very rare that I allow my stinkin' thinkin' to cause me to translate into hurtful actions, because I simply disengage before it can go that far. My disengagment does, however, cause those around me to see me as 'emotionally distant' or to think that I just don't care, but that's better than revealing what I actually think. And trying to figure out how to 'fix' that is one of my triggers, so...

If you're curious, I have written extensively about my life and my mental health issues as part of a 'self-therapy' blog I maintain on both WordPress and Blogger. It's called "I Want Ice Water" and is strictly non-commercial.

thank you for your reply. I find that with tremendous effort I have been able to become my own psychologist. This is not easy but also not impossible to achieve. We cannot lead our life based on what happened to us in the past and work accordingly. This is still a big problem. I was the son of a very violent alcoholic father and like you have experienced terrible trauma. Going away or dropping people is not a solution at all.  I have been able to see my traumatic experience  as separate from my present life and this is the difficult thing to do.

Hi there

I wanted to thank you for your honesty.  Sometimes it just doesn't work out.  I believe that in a lot of cases the depression exists simultanously with...problems with a primary relationship.  Sometimes when the person feels better it is the end of the relationship because it wasn't a healthy relationship to begin with.  I am just speaking in general terms and not about your specific situation. 

Just wanted to warn people that when the depression lifts...it doesn't always mean the relationship will remain.

I do love your saying..."stinkin thinkin"....that is a great phrase to describe depressive thinking.  It does tend to sway your mind and then later you wonder..."how could I have thought these things?"

I do hope you will write more here.  You are very genuine and heartfelt in how you write. 

Thanks. I was a member of the group, but I dropped out because I wanted to journal about more than depression. I listed my blog in an earlier comment if anyone is interested.

Sorry, I was cooking and answered more hastily than I intended. I meant to say that I wanted to journal about the deeper philosophical issues that affect not only myself, but that I believe contribute to what I see as an epidemic of mental illnesses - as demonstrated by the skyrocketing sales of mood altering substances both legal and illegal. "Stinkin' Thinkin'" is a term used frequently in the rehab community.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Pat!

Okay one quick point and that is...suicide is never a good option to ending a relationship.  Just wanted to say that first.

Yes I am back am smiling because you guys have done such a fantastic job of helping each other out while I was away.  Nice to see so many lovely comments to one another.

While I have you here...wanted to ask you if you could write about your experience taking 5-HTP on my post here.  I am very curious especially about side effects and that sort of thing. 

Thanks so much!

My depressed significant other (34 yr old) has been diagnosed with clinical depression, attended 6 counseling sessions, and took medication for 2 weeks.  He said the meds helped, but made him feel like he didn't care about anything.  He has since ceased all treatment stating it's a waste of time.  Money is the only thing that's going to fix his problems.  He owns a restaurant and as of this week, does not have enough money in his account to cover his bills.  I feel like he's living in Never Never Land and is refusing to accept reality of living as a responsible adult.  He has been behaving extremely selfishly and says he's going to live his life for no one but himself right now.  We were engaged, but he recently said there's no longer an engagement because he's not getting married anytime soon stating that if he doesn't love himself, how can he love someone else.  We've been together for 12 years and the past 6 months are the first time I've experienced this behavior from him.  We still live together, but are in separate rooms and I have many reasons to believe he's cheating on me with a 21 yr old though he denies it anytime I try bringing up the subject.  I have read that infidelity can be a by product of depression, but I don't understand how he's emotionally capable of pursuing a relationship with someone else if he thinks he's incapable of loving right now. 

Hi Anonymous

So where do you think the relationship is going?

Are you hoping for a turn around or something?

Are you waiting to pick up the broken pieces when he fails?

The only reason I sleep in a different room is so that I wont keep my wife up cause of my screwed up health and I dont do it all the time.

Pat

You know, I don't think he's really pursuing a relationship with this 21-year-old, he's just using sex as his method of mood alteration so he's probably not lying when he says he can't love someone else if he can't love himself.  It is heartbreaking that he wouldn't keep pursuing help - two weeks on meds is not nearly long enough.  In fact, his feeling like he didn't care about anything was probably still the depression, not the meds.  The first time I was on meds I got almost psychotic and thought they were the problem, but it turned out to not be the case - it's something that would have happened even without the meds.  I hope you take care of yourself, cut him loose if you have to but don't let him take you down with him.  I'm sure that's easier said than done, but this doesn't sound like a good situation at all.  If he won't help himself, you can't do it for him.  Good luck, I sympathize with you - hope it all works out for the best.

Can i just concur with Judys comment and say, Dont let him take u down with him. I cant help thinking theres abit of manic in there somewhere, the refusing to look at the Reality of his Financial situation and the Devastating consequences for himself and his unfortunate staff... and you !! Sometimes for Mental, physical and Spiritual survival, we have to put barbed wire around our hearts and tune in big time to our heads, i think you need to distance yourself emotionally [v.hard] from this person.. Or at least ask yourself, realistically, what has he got to offer you in terms of stability, He must be intelligent enough to realise that Antidepressants take at least 3/4 to 6wks to kick in. Sounds like hes going on a Whirlwind of refusing to look at the Reality, do you want to get caught up in the tornado and emotional debris? Theres a time to leave, or at least take time out and look at it as if you were a best friend of yourself. hope this makes sense. Best of luck.. you need the Site and you need to be strong and to get out all your survival Instincts, we all deserve to be loved, cherished, by someone who puts us up there,somebody mature.