The Midweek Muse: A little inspiration to get you over the hump

Rose, I just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday and tell you that I admire your resolve.  I guess that is one good thing about getting older - we usually get a little wiser, hopefully.  I struggle, also, with those messages from long ago and it's real work to not listen to them.  Knowing yourself is a real accomplishment!  Thank you for sharing your "real" self.

Hello Judy, rushing here as its morning, going to self awareness class !!! its one of the last mental health day hospital 6wk classes with meditation, stress management etc run by the Government, next month our social welfare is being cut by approx 20 dollars, it doesnt bear thinking about !!   thanks for your kind words. yes Iguess that 1 thing about getting older, we sort of begin to find out , or maybe lose the energy or enthusiasm to keep people pleasing and acting, we lose the facades and layers of pretence in order to be accepted. Many thanks for your support, hugs and good wishes to you and all from  Dublin, x ps Judy I still do my hair blonde and still wear make up each day, guess thats Vanity but its ME !!!

Rose, I color & highlight my hair and won't leave the house without makeup so I get it - a little bit of vanity is good for the soul!  Hope you are having a wonderful birthday today, you're a beautiful person.

Thanks Judy for Good wishes, Yea, that great, I believe that keeping the face done and hair coloured is very important, not for everyone, but Im the exact same, I dont leave the house without the Make-up on,Lipstick and mascara especially. I hate the Grey it doesnt suit me, the Blonde brightens my face, Im fair with Green eyes. I use the Nice  n Easy. Hairdresser told me its the same as the formula in the Salon, i just do the roots with the brush and a large Handmirror with  a Magnifying Mirror. Colour too, in clothes effects my mood. i love pinks and Limes [in summer] golds in the Winter and Autumn and Browns and Reddish/orangey colours.   Hope your summer better over there.

I like your quilt, Rose Martin.  You sound so cozy and comfortable.

The fact that you are a patchwork quilt lets us know there are many facets that make you who you are.

I am Cosy and getting abit more comfy as to who I am, Depression, Anxiety and phobias but thats who I am. Yes my quilt has many colours, from the greyest grey, to the brightest hue of yellow, from tough tweed to the silkiest sexiest silk,girlie pinks, strong colours, gentle hues, angry REds, [has to be in there somewhere in the quilt coz underneath all that sadness... theres anger.  Thanks for your insight. I have an American quilt and I love it. thats why It just came to me writing this..

I am Cosy and getting abit more comfy as to who I am, Depression, Anxiety and phobias but thats who I am. Yes my quilt has many colours, from the greyest grey, to the brightest hue of yellow, from tough tweed to the silkiest sexiest silk,girlie pinks, strong colours, gentle hues, angry REds, [has to be in there somewhere in the quilt coz underneath all that sadness... theres anger.  Thanks for your insight. I have an American quilt and I love it. thats why It just came to me writing this..

Have a great day, Rose, Happy Birthday! I enjoy your writing, attitude and presence.

Thanks Paul, Many thanks for your wishes and kind comments. there are times when Im not able to help, Im just about able to get by one day at a time, this is a good site. you take care of yourself. Hope your skies are nicer than here, Grey heavy rain for the next week or 2 at least, longterm the forecasters think it ll be like last 3 Summers with non stop Grey Thundery Rain. its oppressive and Depressing. globalWarming.

Rose, Linda here.  I have manic depression, now called bipolar so I say you are unipolar - there is not such thing, I just made that one up.

I loved your story about being a quilt.  I'm so glad you were able to release pain that you went through as a child.  Comparing yourself to a quilt was wonderful.  I had to let go of my family and husband - getting a divorce.  Everyone was quitting on me - rough go of it for 10 years on this med and that and not getting better.  Now, I have the 2 controller's in my life gone, my Mom and ex to be.  They both decided to give up I guess.  I have a better relationship with both.  But I wanted so much not to get a divorce, I tried to do myself in a few times because of the pain but look at me now.

The only thing is my Doberman died 2 months ago and I am lost without him.  Animals calm and delight my soul.  I do have 3 crazy cats.  I just long for someone to share my life.  I will turn 52 in Sept.  But I'm not sure if I can ever remarry after what I went through, the oldest thing going - my husband found the grass was greener somewhere else and shut me out and then got her pregnant - she was 25 and he was 48.  We had just had a 25 year old marriage that was not even celebrated but now I feel free again.  Life goes on and life tests you, can you handle it or not.  Thank goodness I was on the right drug at the time of all of this.

I know I got onto a lot about me but, I think you are doing great, and you better believe I wear makeup and I think I catch some guys eyes.  That is the best revenge, make them wonder how you are doing so good.  

Hi Linda, thanks, god Im giving the impression im great ! Im  not, Im attending a Day Hospital for Self Esteem and Various things to get mind off oneself, thats a great healer too, for a certain part of the Day anyway. You need time to grieve for your marriage, for the people who werent there foryou, Ive done that, I sometimes still do. Its hard letting go. It takes great strength. I refuse to let my past ruin my present. I know as merely me asked the question, that Im full of Anger and Dissapointment underneath the deep Sadness, but I act myway into a Feeling rather than FEEL my way into an action. I put on the make-up and try and dress as well as I can, FOR ME, as never was well dressed as a kid and got jeered at school... and by the Nuns too. So its now time for ME. Yes I believe were all angry, like Judy says, the anger gets better as u get older, thank god.     I think you should get Susan Jeffers Book feel the fear and beyond, am reading it at the moment, you should be Dating !! nothing heavy, go on match.com. Put alovely pic up. Dont tell em bout your Depression. I dont, they dont want to know anyway , say 1 date a week, go for dinner, be careful, dont give out your address and go to, and from, where u meet via your own car or in my case Taxi.

     I do believe, if I got some Sun [myquilt analogy] and a good airing and a good cleaning of the old stains [hurts] Id be out there shining in the sun, god we gotta believe this. As for the Anger, I think pets are great, maybe another dog from the Shelter, one whose life youd change,give a dog love and a home and something it never had? that SO Healing.  Sorry bout our other dog, the Dobermann. theyre very loving.  Best of luck, Linda  Im behind you, now go getta nice Date

Rose, I've gone through Match.com and found just men my Mother would hate, hee hee and myself.

I was dating these guys and was not comfortable.  Now I meet people through Meetup.com.  I can see other singles and stay my distance or join lady's movie groups, etc.  There is something for every interest you could have in all state's.

It's helped me alot.  The last guy I went out with through Match.com, took my car when I couldn't go out - depression - without my permission because he had something to do, hah, I found out and said I would call the police if he didn't get back with it.

He also said one time when we had an disagreement, he wanted to mash my face.

It really conceerned me, my family, therapist etc.  We broke up the 4th of July.

He was trying to control my speech also.  He would say can't you say less in a sentance, it is hurting me?  No way was I going to let that continue.  The worse thing is he said after I was proud of deliverying a doberman on to another person to go to a foster hom,e was why are you helping a dog instead of a child who needs help.  I said, what are you doing yourself?  Goodbye forever!

Thanks for writing to me, take care.  I know we all are on a journey to make ourselves better if possible.  But what a road!

`Hi, Well that wasnt such a good idea was it !! In my case, Ive just had a few dates and they havent been George Clooneys but had the Egos and confidence of same. Ive got mainly American men emailing me, I seem to attract men from the U.S.A.  I just thought, when youre low and live alone, its nice to get up and check on the emails, but im learning. Im very happy to hear that you werent prepared to take that type of abusive treatment from that Guy ! How dare he, you were strong, nobody needs that in their life. Just goes to show, your self esteems higher than u think ! Alot of women and indeed men take bad treatment. Its a wonderful selfless thing to take in strays or abused, abandoned animals, youre a good person, sounds like he was a typical abusive type, grinding the confidence down, then the 'I ll  mash your face' eventually, it would have been physical abuse. Good for u to get away !!  Yes, if youre well enough or have the connections, its better to meet another way, just hard though, here anyway as I dont play Bridge [cant] or Golf [cant afford to] . I did meet a lovely guy from Minnesota, gorgeous looking, thought Id won the Lottery, sending me emails every day, so I wrote back, he has a daughter, sent her over some things in parcel as shes a dote. Anyway, it suddenly dawned on me, that most of the conversation was all about HIM, about his awful x, how she was lying etc trying to take the daughter bACK, NOW  I know that sad,BUT, I became a match.com therapist, [unpaid],/he has a therapist and his daughter too.  Anyway theres 2sides to every story and I felt in my gut that it wasnt right to keep on about her. I didnt discuss Depression with him at all. did mention about Arthritis though.  I did say, that I would adore a Birthday Card from America, [kid in me] nothing else. well, I never got one. I got a happy birthday email and a 2 liner. Before that, he went from v hot to completly Cold, as in not bothering to email, just sending me these websites from time to time. So, I stopped writing. Since that no word except for the Happy Birthday 2 liner.     I thought it mean, know he hasnt much  money but I did phone him to have a chat, he was delighted, hes lonely. said so !!  Anyway, Im trying to get out there and get a life as they say.  You take care. keep up the Make up and going out !!

Rose, I had a real bad day yesterday, depression and just being upset since my marriage has ended.  Just waiting for the divorce papers, should have been in April and it's July!

They can extend the divorce proceedings here, I say.  So I will have to send a email to my lawyer, yes, they charge for that, about $50 but I need to find out what the heck is happening!

Today was alot better!  Except, I strained one of my elbows gardening and need to put frozen vegetables on it and some pain cream.  I'm learning how to use my left hand instead of my right.

I let some friends and parents know of my lonliness so I have been getting some good feedback from them.  It keeps me going on, I tell you.

Thanks for the note, I felt I had to split from this guy, because after a fight, I would go into a depression - he was just rotten to me.  I know it wasn't meant to be.

He still calls and doesn't leave a message on my cell phone.  I just have nothing to say.  He knows he pushed me to the limit.  I will find out from my shrink Friday if I should contact him via email.  I know if I talk to him it just won't work - he will try to put the blame on me, and I won't have it.

It's a tender line between feeling good and going into a depression, feeling lonely etc.

I try to have a schedule during the week, and keep the weekends busy to.

On a brighter note, we had a yard sale for my Doberman Rescue dogs and made

$1,000.  I could not believe it!  We have a dog wash next week, so I am trying to put my sorrow about Duke into helping other Dobermans.  It sure does help.

Take care, and I hope you had a good birthday.

Before my husband had an affair with a 25 year old - he was 48 and we had a 25 year old neice and had been married for 25 years, we had a couple of years when our relationship got distant.  I didn't get birthday cards or presents, XMAS gifts, anniversary, etc.  It really sucked.  Then he wanted to leave me, he could not put up with a wife who was bipolar.

I tried to commit suicide several times because I was in so much pain.  Then I got on the right meds, and he had the affair the same year.  So he is out of the picture now. It's funny, but he has the wedding photo book, the wedding picture, etc.  I want none of it.

 I even put a bio hazard sticker on our wedding pic, right on the spot we were kissing.  The hole deal had gotten me sick and I needed to get away from him to.  Because of economics, we had to live 6 months together, all I could do is look at him and feel angry, sick, and who do you think you are to cause me so much pain?

But, I'm lucky, I have a nice apt and 3 cats who love me.

Take care, Linda

Oh my dear Rose!

You write so beautifully!  I love the imagery you create of the quilt.  You absolutely do give comfort...you are always so giving and so compassionate.  I understand that need to please others and feel like you are starving for basic emotional sustenance.  But the thing is...we need to figure out how to give that to ourselves.  I am not quite as far along on my journey to wellness as you are.  All I can say is that you give me much hope that...I can do this too. 

Happy Birthday Rose! 

I am so very glad your are part of our community.  You add so much here.  We simply cannot do without you.

Oh Merely Me, I broke down crying when I read your message to me, firstly, Ive very little formal education, I left school early because of abuse and bullying.I also had social phobia and was depressed [didnt know it] was timid. Im self-taught and have read and studied every book I can get my hands on.  I dont think about what Im going to write, I just [as i said before] type and speak, and live, from the heart.  I'd been feeling that I was hogging the Site, going off the point of your question,'The inner self' your words are so nice, there are times when I cant help. Im not computer literate either. It was a wonderful question, brought up so much Merely Me; the people on this site are SO brave [you included] you give me such inspiration and hope.  I love the weekly questions and discussions and the information is great, its a wonderful site.

The Anger question, I realise, I maynot have answered but thats because Im trying to connect with it, under they myriad layers of sadness,confusion.. Take care and thanks for your kind words.

Happy belated birthday to you! You are such a warm and lovely presence on this site. Thank you for your contributions!

Hello Kate,  Many thanks for your warm wishes. Well, this year, I hope as getting older, I get abit wiser with regard to coping with Depression and staying well. Thanks for all the support on this great site .

first off i want to say happy birthday rose! gee after that it all gets tough.i know i need to gain self esteem & keep it! who is the real me?i know i often feel like the total failure who can never measure up & that i've felt that way as long as i can remember.at some point i realized mom would never care for me or any of us the way people made it sound like moms were supposed to.she was there physically but emotionally cold & in her own little world.she let us know she didn't want us or my dad & would tell her mom how bad we were each day on the phone.my mom talks out loud to no one there telling whoever that dad & us kids are rotten.these memories don't die.i'm over 40 & still feel worthless & don't have hopes or dreams.sometimes i hope & pray that i'll die but that's passive not active right now. i have a new counselor & i want to see if we can work thru some of this insanity

Thanks Janet, birthdays best forgotten at my age ! ~i absolutely know what you mean about the self esteem, I struggle with that still. I have to keep telling myself I'm a good person, worthy of respect. I do believe that old scripts [the ones we knew by heart, and eventually believed in] are very hard to shake off, its possible though ! I could really identify with your post.

Alfredo   Truth is everything, what a wonderful peace of Wisdom to have over your door. All things are connected... This, I believe, without a doubt. Rose

Oh my Alfredo....your message is so profound.  You truly have spent much time to gain this wisdom you have.  You have been working every step of the way haven't you?  I fear isolation at times but I also crave it.  I think I need to quiet all my nonsense and focus on what is at my core.  I think sometimes I am afraid to find out what is really there.  What if it is a big black ball of nothingness?  I know it isn't true but I fear it anyway.

Thank you so much for sharing your insights and hard earned wisdom with us.  You make this site a better place for your contributions.

Lyra...I can relate to so much of what you say here.

Yes if only the people in our young life would have said these things to us...nurtured us and stood up for us.  And so here we are as adults...wounded by these things....these neglects and absences and holes in our soul.

I think you have done so well here to tell yourself these things.  How does it feel?  Can you accept that you are good and worthy and deserve to be happy?  When there is nobody to rely upon you must always rely upon yourself. 

You are doing really well.  You have a power and a strength I don't think you quite fathom yet.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm not entirely sure I can always believe that I'm good and worthy and all of that but I think I'm getting better at it... I can remember a time when I was doing a course in the city and it was in the evenings after work and I had to catch the train back really late at night then either catch the bus home or sometimes I'd walk and Dad offered to drive into the city to give me a lift. I kept saying it was okay and it was too much, then he said something like 'it's not too much if you're worth it' and Mum gave him a look because she knew I didn't think I was worth it and I think I even said it out loud. I didn't feel that I was worth the effort it would take for my Dad to drive into the city (about a half an hour drive, I guess). Now... I still feel guilty if someone is going to go out of their way for me but I think I'm a little better... maybe... depends on the day, I guess. Some days it's easier to believe that I'm worth something and that I'm a good person other days it could even anger me if someone said those things because I think they're just saying it, it's not true, and I hate lies... it's odd isn't it? How our past can make us so insecure and even hate compliments? Rather daft I guess but if it's how you feel...

Today is a good day. Today I think I'm worth it... I think... I certainly appreciate your very kind words and loved hearing that you think I contribute to this site, so thank you.

Wanted to say too...

thank you for all that you give to this site.  We need you here!

Hi!

I am so sorry to hear you were sick...that is horrible.  Nice to see you back.

May I ask...how old were you when your father died?  I know how it is to lose a parent when you are just a kid.  It is devastating and the loss affects so many things in your life.

I would like to hear more of your stories of your life if you are willing.  I think you have a tremendous amount of strength and courage.  I think others will definitely be helped by your story.

Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself here with us.