Labels of Stigma in Depression: Called a Cutter at Clinic or Crazy or Insane

By Merely Me Wednesday, October 14, 2009

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"It's all in your head." "Insane"

"Crazy" "Lock her up!"

"Mad" "Lazy"

"Snap out of it!"

"You just want attention"

"You belong in a looney bin"

The Midweek Muse explores the *STIGMA* of mental illness

Hi everyone!

This week I want to explore the theme of stigma with regard to depression and mental illness. I think we have all been there. There are times when friends, family, professionals, and the general public give you indication that it is not okay to be depressed.

A time in my life which stands out to me for feeling the brand of stigma was when I sought emergency treatment for my depression. I was in a bad way and in between insurance coverage and went to one of the local mental health clinics. There I was assessed by a very haggard and no nonsense attendant. When she asked me if I had ever caused harm to myself I truthfully answered that in my teen years and early twenties I used to cut myself.

In a big bold flourish she then wrote the word, "CUTTER" in big red letters in the middle of a page on my file. I stared at that and said, "No thank you" and pretty much ran out of the building. I wanted help not an iron brand.

There is a certain pain in being "found out" that you suffer from a mental illness. And I think much of it has to do with the stigma and labels attached which denote that something is "wrong" with you. As a little girl and teen I lived in fear that I would become my mother and become psychotic. That did not happen fortunately but I still live in some dread of that word, "crazy."

In my journals from my early adulthood you can feel my fear in my writing:

"I hid my sadness so well...nobody knew. Or perhaps I didn't hide it so well and nobody cared. Same effect really. Sinking...sinking...to the bottom. Alone isn't that bad...nobody to bother you or hurt you. Smile through the pain. Be good. Be quiet and nobody will know."

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marja

10/14/09 5:28pm

Your story about going to the clinic reminded me of a few years ago when I went to the ER because I had an untreated thyroid problem that was causing a huge amount of fatigue. My son was getting married a week later and I was desperate for help.

When they got my medical history I had to tell them I was bipolar.

The first thing they did when they were ready to look after me was to have a psychiatric nurse see me. And there was nothing wrong with me emotionally! I was physically sick.

Then, before they let me go home they had a psychiatrist interview me.

Talk about stigma!

jpw2008

10/14/09 6:00pm

The guilty are innocent

And the innocent always pay

And i am tired of it

Merely Me

10/15/09 6:21pm

That is horrible Marja! So ridiculous. Makes me mad for what you went through.

So glad to see you though and...wanted to tell you to look at my most recent post...I think that you will have lots to say!

Judy

10/14/09 8:59pm

It's amazing to me that things have not changed much in this regard since the 1960's. The first time I saw a therapist was when I was 19 years old, I had to hunt one down because there weren't that many of them even around. I was badly depressed and felt like I had to do something, didn't even know they had medications back then. My mother got angry about it, accused me of spending all my time talking about her - to which I replied that I did have other things in my life to talk about - and one of my grandmothers, when she found out, said "You're just doing this for fun, right?" When I was 12, I was in bed for several months with rheumatic fever and my mother was told by the doctor that it could cause "psychological problems." Well, my seeing a therapist proved him right and she even brought this up just a few years ago. Yeah, if she only knew....

I had to take a leave of absence from my job once because of depression and I did tell my boss the reason, but for a while, it felt like people were walking on eggshells around me. Some years later, I had another bad episode and my boss told me to take a few days off but after that, there was no patience. She told me the reason I was depressed was because of something that happened at work, so I should just get over it. Yeah, if she only knew....

It's very sad that people still have these attitudes today toward depression, yet if you talk to people, it's amazing how many are on medications or in therapy, but nobody wants to admit to it. I will admit to it if it happens to come up, just because I want it to be like any other illness - I'm still me, I just have depression, it's not like I'm whack-o crazy. What I hate about it is that my mother was depressed as long as I can remember and would spend a good share of a day or two in bed, even when we were little kids, when I was as young as 5 and the oldest of 3. I've forgotten most of that, which is just as well, but I used to get so angry with her, and she never got treatment for it.

Sorry to go on, I guess you get the picture - stigma is alive and well!

Merely Me

10/15/09 6:25pm

Oh my Judy...

You are doing this for fun? She actually said that? wow. Oh yeah...sounds like you were having kaboodles of fun eh? Geez.

I think it must be hard for people to understand depression even in today's world of the commercials for antidepressants. Some folk think it is some sort of 'excuse" to get out of things or to be lazy. Until they go through it...and then ohhh it is a different matter.

Don't get me started!

Thanks for sharing Judy...I am sorry these things were said to you.

Ricovring

10/14/09 10:18pm

NAMI has an opportunity for any consumer who is willing to share their story at a requesting public meeting place. The name of the program is In Our Own Voice. I was asked to speak to a class of 200 osteopathic doctors with three other volunteers. We each shared about our experiences with bi-polar, depression, pchyso-affective disorder,

or border line personality disorder. We told our stories straight out, mentioning counseling,

meds, hospital visits, helpful books, family acceptance, faith, and what we wished doctors understood better about relating to us. It was all well received and we got a standing ovation. Not everyone wants to remain ignorant. When we who are afflicted can

share our position without magnifying or diminishing, there are plenty of people who are happy to hear and want to understand.

Ricovring

10/14/09 10:22pm

Sorry, misspelled schitzo-affective.

Merely Me

10/15/09 6:29pm

Well this is wonderful...I am so glad you had this opportunity to share like this. How were you received? What did the audience say? I wonder what people outside of that venue would say...when it is not expected that they be tolerant.

Have you ever had a negative response from sharing your story?

jpw2008

10/16/09 10:00am

Great!

It must have been some oppurtunity to do that

I heard they were doing that,at the group meeting I had.

Keep up the fighting.

I'm glad you were able to do it.

Jon

moonflowers

10/15/09 12:45am

Oh this brings back memories of right before my first visit to the doctor. I was not necessarily around people that thought of me being crazy, maybe weak would be a better word. It was embedded in my head that there was no time to feel sorry for myself and this just made things worse. So I would go through my days in pain and confussion not realizing that I REALLY needed help from a professional. It took a long time and a lot of arguing within to finally go. I felt so defeated.....but at this point I was desperate and at the end. I still feel, even today, that my close friends and family don't really understand, that maybe at times they think I'm crazy and just ran down. No one understands that at times it's a little more than that. I can't really share the real way I feel with anyone other than people that have gone through it. I know today that getting help is okay...but still have to tell myself this over and over because society tells me it's not okay to be depressed.

Merely Me

10/15/09 6:32pm

It is hard isn't it? It is bad enough to feel depressed but then you beat yourself up for being in that state because you feel "weak" or defeated. The truth is...you are really at your strongest when you admit your vulnerability and seek help. We are all human and...there is nothing wrong or bad about needing help. But I know...it is hard to remember that during the bad times.

Thank you so much for sharing your personal story here.

jpw2008

10/15/09 1:56pm

hi merely me

I used to here thats all you got

I have heard people tell me they have arthritis cancer or even heart problems

Thats the reaction i usual get to major depression

Jon

Merely Me

10/15/09 6:36pm

Yeah...I hear you.

I think a lot of people don't want to hear it...they start to one up you about pain and illness. But just because someone else has a physical ailment...doesn't diminish your depression. We are all different...all unique...and all going through different stuff.

Depression...is a lot to deal with and all encompassing.

I can honestly tell you that I have Multiple Sclerosis and the thing which scares me the most is not the mobility issues but IS the depression that can go with it. Because if I am depressed...I am not going to be able to cope with the other physical stuff. So for me...mental pain is the worst.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here Jon...always love to hear from you.

JLK

10/15/09 2:28pm

The one and only time I discussed my disorder (Double D) with my sister many years ago, that was her exact reply. I have never forgotten it and the resentment is still with me.

Over the ensuing 20 years I have been beset by alcoholism thru self medication, horrendous Major D episodes, medication backlash etc. Through it all I have built a successful career raised 2 terrific daughters and in some ways made it look too easy.

When I quit drinking 7 years ago I made the conscious decision to NEVER AGAIN be on the receiving end of what I call "neo-Luddite" responses. The conceived strategy is not for everyone. It consists of having absolutely no qualms about discussing my condition with anyone who asks (and sometimes don't). I refuse to allow the ignorant to govern my life ever again. If they don't like it or assume some kind of "moral failing" on my part then I strike them off the list after giving them a rather agressive education on the latest findings in brain chemistry. Even my sister is among those struck.

My pride in having overcome these obstacles is too strong to even listen to these people or worry about their opinion. Maybe some day it will have a positive effect.

For now I am helping people with disorders who are cowed by the stigmas real or imagined. It is the most satisfying thing I have ever done. I recommend it to anyone capable...all it takes is logic and belief in yourself.

JLK

Merely Me

10/15/09 6:41pm

It is very hard not to be angry at such a response. It is both insensitive and just...inaccurate. Nobody can just snap out of a depression. Doesn't work that way.

Some people will understand...some won't. It is a struggle to maintain balance of friendships and connections knowing that some of our friends and loved ones will not understand right off the bat. Sometimes it takes persistence. But sometimes, despite our best efforts, the relationship will fail because...they just don't get it...and when you are depressed....it is all the more vital that you get the support that you need.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and insights here...it is much appreciated.

Anonymous

10/15/09 11:18pm

Hi Merely

For me support was never available. I was forced to do it on my own. Shrinks were clueless. Family indifferent. First wife cared very little as she was always in competition to see who had the worst set of issues.

Taught myself many tricks and strategies to somehow get through the day.

Now I have a second wife who is incredibly empathetic and not just sympathetic (prefer the former) But over the years of struggle I have found myself unable to forgive and forget the utter lack of effort to understand what is going on.

In addition my success (monetary) seems to have created a sense of competitive resentment from siblings. It was an unpleasant surprise when I managed to pull myself out of the gutter (early twenties) and do what I had to do. I believed they liked me better as the "loser" of the family

Sound resentful? Probably but I don't dwell on it. Just the topic that brought back old memories.

JLK

Jeanne

10/15/09 3:59pm

This quote is exactly how I grew up, since I had a depressed alcholic father and it's how he coped. When you grow up depressed with a depressed parent that role models his way of coping to you; you are at a disadvantage aas an adult trying to cope. My first inkling that just *coping* with it doesn't work was when my family doc put me on effexor to see if it helped with SAD. It didn't do much for the SAD, but it did flatten out those mood swings I had- the deep black wells of depression and anger. That was really my first wake p call that I truly had a clinical disease and it could be worked with. Actually seeing someone for that has eluded me until recently (see my share post). The effexor quit working, my family doc is too busy with OB patients to spend time with me and my (now I think depressed or evenmanic depressive) husband is driving me intot he well again. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist on Monday, I am praying I make it those few days through the emotional hell my spouse is now putting me through. When he stated a couple years ago how much he liked me on meds because it *made me easier to live with*; I replied I wish he would be seen for his issues so *he* would be easier to live with. His reply: he didn't want anything because of his job (?!)

So the stigma of actually seeing a mental health doc is still alive and well today, but the difference is friends are more open to help and talk to you. Thank god for my friends, I have somewhere to turn although I worry about burning them out. Interesting side note: when I called a women in crisis center about talking to someone about emotional abuse, I was told the center is a lock down facility for the *safety* of the women there, and even though I was suffering, I could not come in to talk to someone! Seems they consider the only serious abuse to be physical; never mind that relentless emotional abuse leaves inturnal injuries that can be every bit as lethal.

Merely Me

10/15/09 6:49pm

Hi there

Okay so you are seeing a psychiatrist on Monday? This is good...but I know it seems a long time to wait when you really need someone now. What are you hoping he will do for you? Are you wanting to try an antidepressant?

It seems your partner is also having problems? Sometimes men take longer to get help for their issues than women just because society is harsher on men...the attitude is for them to "buck up" and be stoic. So some of his reluctance could be that male stigma.

Maybe if he sees you going and getting help and you tell him if it works...perhaps he will want to join you? I don't know if this is a possible situation.

I wish you the best of luck and please do tell us how things go for you on Monday.

Jeanne

10/15/09 8:05pm

I have been on effexor, but back in March, it quit working. And, yes, I do feel my spouse has issues that need to be dealt with. There's a history of mental disease in his family (his mother and brother) and over the past few years, his moods swings and intolerance for many things has been getting worse and worse. When I respond to his negative actions; he makes it all my fault. All our issues with each other become all my fault. His treatment of me is because I *desrve* it. I'm the one that needs a doc, not him. He's the one that refuses to talk to me (cold shoulder and silent treatment for the last month). I try to talk, even about inconsequential things, and he will not have any conversations with me. If it looks like he might touch me in passing, he goes the other direction or shrinks away. He won't go anywhere in the car with me. He's taken it to extremes and it's my fault :-( I asked in ohter spot; what do you do when the other person in a disfunctional relationship refuses to help or get help? His effect on my mental health (depression and suicidal thoughts) actually just makes him angry at me. Sometimes, what I need is someone to hold and just say *it's going to be alright*. He has **never** done that.

Merely Me

10/16/09 5:34pm

Jeanne....

Just wanted to check in on you. How are things going today? It must be so hard to live with someone who is not being supportive. Is this just the way he is all the time? Or do you think his behavior has to do with his depression? Irregardless...you deserve to be treated better in my opinion. You just try your best to help yourself. And he needs to help himself.

Okay...just wanted to let you know that you are being thought of...and I hope you have a good weekend.

Jeanne

10/16/09 6:43pm

Things have been really bad this last week. Every time I think I can cope, he does something to tear me up again. Yesterday I went to a friend's for the day and sobbed on her shoulder. We went to dinner, watched a movie and I had a normal night with nice conversation. She's the most supportive friend I have and literally a lifesaver. Another friend who is worried about me called the house to see about me having a girls night with her and husband sid I wasn't there and he didn't know where I was- didn't give her my cell number (she has it now). Monday is my appointment with the psychiatrist; and I am counting down the hours. If I am depressed, cry or he thinks I might be thinking suicidal thoughts; he gets mad at me. He actually fits almost every sign of an emotional abuser (deny and minimize). My father was one; I cannot live with another who is getting worse.

ALifeWorthLiving

10/15/09 7:04pm

First of all, let me start out by saying that I am very fortunate that I have a sister and sister-in-law who have a masters in social work. That makes it a little easier. However, even my family doesn't really understand.

I think it wasn't until I was actually approved for SSDI that they realized how "bad" it was. When I was first applying for it, one family member was certain I wouldn't qualify because "it's almost impossible to qualify" and she had another relative who suffered from depression and didn't qualify. When I was approved, I thought "FINALLY, they will realize that it's not just "in my head". Still, the topic is not discussed unless I bring it up...and even then, the discussion is short.

I am SO glad that I have finally found a psychiatrist and therapist who truely listen to me and take me seriously. I am doing much better because of them and their support. To those of you who are still struggling to find someone like this....PLEASE keep looking. I went through a few different therapists and psychiatrist before I found the ones I have now.

Ricovring

10/15/09 9:37pm

Alifeworthliving, that is the best username I've ever seen, good for you. Also I'm happy to see you got on SSDI for depression. How long ago was that?

ALifeWorthLiving

10/15/09 10:20pm

"A Life Worth Living" is a phrase used by the mental health center where I go for my therapy. They also stress being "mindful". It helps to me stay "in the moment" instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Have also taken a couple group therapies there. That place has been a Godsend for me.

I qualified for SSDI, effective Oct. of 2004. Although, I didn't realize such a benefit existed until after I was hospitalized in mid 2005. The process took a little time but they made the benefits retroactive which helped. I am pretty sure the fact that I was hospitalized helped push it through but it's hard to say, since I hadn't applied before I was hospitalized. (I certainly don't recommend being hospitalized to get coverage though. That state run facility was just bad...nothing like what you see on TV or in movies these days. One of the staff there made the comment "They don't call this the "nut house" for nothing". And these people were supposed to be helping us?!) Since I have a minor child, I also get benefits for her. And the medicare advantage plan that I have through Humana is great. The nice thing about medicare is they can't deny you coverage for pre-existing conditions like private insurance does.

Ricovring

10/16/09 5:10pm

That is all super. I'm happy to know you are being cared for. Thanks for sharing, here.

Pam Bacon

10/17/09 5:04pm

Being hospitalized is the reason you got approved for SSDI. I know all too well! The SSDI judge didn't consider me disabled until I was hospitalized, its all in black and white in the judge's order. I was receiving the exact same care before hospitalization as after. I had been hospitalized several times years before and in another state and that wasn't even considered because I went to work after those hospitalizations. Never mind the fact I couldn't hold down a job. The hospitalization the judge did consider was only because of a quack doctor who didn't listen when I told him several months in a row that I was getting more and more out of control with fits of violent rage. I hospitalized myself after I almost killed our dog with my bare hands! I was afraid I would hurt my kids so I checked myself in. It turned out to be a bad reaction to Prozac, I'm one of those rare individuals who got homicidal while taking it. It's messed up, I got approved for a bad reaction to the meds but not for the mental illness that kept me from working, it doesn't make sense. The really messed up part is that my Social Security benifits ran out 2 weeks before I was hospitalized, screwing me out of SSDI and only qualifying me for SSI, a tiny fraction of what I should have gotten. With SSI your spouse's income is counted against you so I only receive $97.98 a month! Two years of fighting the government for $97.98 a month, what a joke!

Pam Bacon

10/17/09 3:36pm

I live in rural Missouri, a very christian community, and believe me the stigma attached to mental illness is alive and well, sadly. I was raised christian and I strongly believe in prayer and faith. Apx 14 years ago I was finally properly diagnosed as a bipolar 1 with borderline personality disorder. I have always been med resistant so finding the right combination of meds that finally worked for me took over 10 years. I was having a really hard time coping in the beginning, so I asked my Mom if her church could pray for me. Not long after that I went to church with my Mom and to my horror I listened to a 45 minute sermon on demon possession and mental illness. How us mentally ill people need to get right with God and drive the demons from our lives. Even worse was the fact that the congregation, including my Mom, had their hands in the air saying "amen" and "hallelujah" the whole time. That was about 13-14 years ago and I have been unable to attend a church service ever since. I've wanted to go, but the panic takes over every time I even think about it. I've been told over and over that I need to turn it all over to God and he will deliver me from my mental illness. Apparently, if you're mentally ill then you're not a good christian! My Mom has even told me I will burn in hell. She didn't like my answer, I told her if I was going to hell then I would see her there because my relationship with God was and is fine! BTW, almost every single member of my Mom's side of the family is mentally ill but in denial and is horrified that I speak so openly about it. It was the family secret no one talked about. I was unaware of it myself until months after I was diagnosed. It's the worst kind of stigma, when your family sees the suffering, cutting, suicide attempts and not once do they mention that its not your fault, it is a mental illness, not once! You know, sometimes God's answer to prayer is NO! I am stable now, thanks to seroquel, a great doctor and a lot of prayer and faith. Having bipolar has actually helped me help others with mental illness. They know I understand, they see I went from a raving lunatic to an stable, easy going, determined woman. I will speak to anyone and everyone who is willing to listen about the reality of mental illness. I challenge the stigma attached to mental illness every chance I get.

Judy

10/17/09 10:15pm

Thanks for sharing your story, Pam. Good for you, not letting those self-righteous people get to you. The ones that protest the loudest are the ones that usually are defending something in themselves. I don't believe it is demons who possess us, or that it is because of anything we've done wrong. Usually, it's something that's been done wrong to US. Then we're left with the task of having to recover from it. So much damage has been done in the name of religion or the name of God, it is a real mockery of who God is. You are a strong person, I wish you well and hope you will write more on this site.

Pam Bacon

10/18/09 3:25pm

Your Welcome. Thank you for your comments. I agree that often times it's something done to us that makes mental illness worst. As I said before, most of my family is mentally ill. Most have depression but my Grandma and myself seemed to get the worst of it. Both of us have been diagnosed as bipolar 1, though my Grandma was originally diagnosed as schizophrenic back in the 50's or early 60's. Grandma died a few years back after 10 years of suffering from alzheimer's. There's no doubt in our family that mental illness is genetic, I firmly believe the reason why Grandma and myself were worst off is because of traumatic events in our lives. My Grandma's brother was murdered when she was a young woman and the guy who did it got away with it. My trauma was being married to an abusive man for 9 years. I had broken bones and at least a dozen concussions. The frontal lobes of my brain are enlarged because of the trauma. That's the part of the brain that controls emotions. A "normal" person would have a hard time with that kind of emotional trauma.

fifi

10/25/09 10:55am

Yes I have a twin sister who use to say 'it's all in your head' and that I was weak for taking pills and that she would never take them because she is much stronger. I have since distanced myself from her as she was always looking for ways to bring me down and make me feel bad for some reason.

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