Monday, April 04, 2011
It was over a year ago when I was invited to be a guest on The Doctor Oz show to talk about my experience of coping with depression. The show’s producer had a lot of questions for me prior to the show and especially about my life experiences. When I told him that I had lived with a mother who h...
Thanks for all the resources on this, Merely Me. I am going to hang on to it for future reference. Yes, caregiving can be very exhausting. Like you, I did a lot of that for my mother when she would have depressive episodes and there were younger siblings to tend to. I think it very definitely can lead to depression that we maybe don't recognize until later in life; as a child, if you have to be a caretaker, it can cause strong feelings of being trapped with nowhere to go. I know that's still a big trigger for me to this day. If I feel myself getting into a situation like that, my mind starts racing to find a quick solution and if I can't find one, I can feel the hopelessness punch me in the gut. Luckily, it doesn't hang around as long as it used to. But I am dreading the idea of my parents becoming more incapacitated and wondering what will be required or expected of me. I will try not to worry about it until the time comes!
Perhaps you will be able to cope with some prior planning? I also was trapped in a caring role since an early age and started to care full-time for my mother a few years back which caused major problems in my life and wreaked havoc with my depression.
I had always prided myself on my ability to problem solve situations and then found myself not being about to feel, let alone problem solve! Depression at it's worse with the only way out ...well you know where I'm going with this.
I now believe that I formed a depressive habit when I was not able to problem solve a situation quickly.I have now examined when this is more likely to happen...I find it is when I hold two core beliefs that (at first) appear to conflict. I am at my best when I problem solve with a needs-led approach. Both people get their needs met (NOT NECESSARILY WANTS) but not to the detriment of the other. Clear boundaries between each person is established and maintained and clear accountability and responsibilty issues are identified for both parties. Choices are available but not at the expense of each one or other's quality of life. In other words help, assist, support someone to obtain the assistance they need to live with a quality of life - but don't think or believe that you are the only person (or indeed, the most appropriate person) to meet ALL of their needs.
That's my new rule which I am practicing - a bit hard after all these years and sometimes I still struggle with it when "unreasonable" expectations are requested from me...However, I have to stick to it...otherwise I will psychologically be stuck.
I also think that depressive responses can become habitual (habit forming)...so now I've trained myself to try and recognise early warning signs and track back to the trigger core belief or thought/value judgement, so I can think my way back to health by more effective and creative problem solving.
If I get the slightest sensation of anxiety physically...I immediately take notice of it and ask myself what has triggered it and what dilemma am I dealing with. I have found that Ambivalence is a dangerous reaction...much better to make a decision and allow room/permission to change it if I find it is not the right one.Ambivalence causes more problems in the end as I find it doesn't give clear direction to life if maintained for a long time.
Only my reflections...you may have a different perspective of course.
Hypno
Sometimes I find that when I can't problem solve it is because I need to gather more information about the situation or my own thoughts and beliefs.This seems to help. The trick is to become more objective and less subjective when looking at a situation. Anxiety means we are doing or thinking something that is not helpful to us. So we need to either change our actions or our thoughts or rexamine our core beliefs and how we have been implementing them to date and how we might be better placed to implement them in a more healthy way.
Hypno
Thanks, Hypno - you've given me a lot of good ideas. I know this will take some planning and I do have siblings - in fact, several of them are better "helpers" right now than I am, maybe because they didn't feel like they had to be when they were little!
Perhaps you are continuing to shoulder more responsibility than you now need to do so...? I don't know as I am not you. The only thing is that if you were to view your role as a job in a company rather than a family ...and you were to leave your job...the company/family would need to find some other way of supporting the person....in a work situation no-one is thought to be irreplaceable...I'm not devaluing your contribution and maybe you need to just readjust your job role...?
Anyway...you'll know what's best because you will feel relaxed when you have made the decision.
Hypno
Hypno, thank you for your suggestions. You do sometimes need to put aside all the emotions that go with caregiving and look at what the facts are. My own mother can no longer drive and is getting more frail and feeble each month. Last month, she fell and broke her back and I lived with her for 3 weeks. Although I have a brother and sister who live near, they say they have "other obligations" like wife in my brother's case, and a life and job in my sister's case. Well, I have an obligation to myself that I am not meeting. Since I have both schizophrenia and depression, I am especially stress-sensitive, with symptoms that are stress-triggered, and I have to be careful. You know what I mean. Mother needs to make some adjustments and acknowledge that things may not be "life as usual" for her from this point on. Someone who doesn't know her personal likes and dislikes (like I do) may need to buy her groceries for her. Someone who doesn't get her to the doctor 30 minutes early (her preference) may nonetheless be the one who has to take her. Someone may need to clean her house other than me. It's all getting to be too much for one person. Yes, my sister came to visit her twice during those 3 weeks, and my brother came to take her to 2 doctor appts so I could have a few hours off. Still, I bore the brunt of her care.
I need to find something to do with my own feelings of guilt that I may not be doing enough, even though I'm really doing all I can...and more than my share. If I "abdicated" (like your reference to leaving a job -- they will find someone else to replace you) I would fear she wasn't getting the best of care. Am I supposed to be satisfied with that? I love her very much.
What would you advise someone else to do if they were in your position?
The way you describe the situation sought of looks like you want perfection in the service your mother gets...and I do understand, believe me...the problem is that you need to determine at what point you separate yourself from your mother's life. Where are the boundaries? You also need to separate your decision making processes from her decision making processes. You cannot control every aspect of everyone's life. Each person has their own responsibility and accountability for their lives.
As for guilt...try and turn it into regret...regret that you can't sacrifice the quality of your life for looking after your mother full time...then in time accept it. There are lots of things in life you may wish for but are unattainable.
Sometimes when people do look after their mother fulltime their relationship changes...they become dissatisfied as the mother daughter relationship is lost in favour of the carer and cared for role. Both end up not satisfied with each other and both are so reliant on one another that they have lost their independence to such an extent that they do not see how anyone else could perform the tasks for them.
What would happen if your mother arrived on time for her doctor's appointment instead of 30mins early?
What stops you or better still your mother telling another person what your mother's likes and dislikes are and seeking agreement from them to do things in a certain way?
Are your siblings healthy? Why is it they are too busy to help out? What are the separation issues?
Good Luck
Hypno