A book called "Getting through the Day" is supposed to be very good for helping to get through those very tough days.
I am sure it is at the library. I just ordered in online from amazon.com. Very cheap.
I will need it. I found out from my mother that when she took a loan out for herself, she got her house appraised and it was worth far less than she thought.
Consequently, she cannot help me to buy a quiet home as she would like to. She offered to sell her home but does not want to and I don't want her to. She said she would be willing to which gives me some comfort. But it is not good for her to so I do not want her to.
I NEED a quiet home to heal my PTSD and also a counselor.
I sent my father an email about it all. It is far easier for him to help than my mother, he has more money. Thing is, he triggers me into suicidal hell and PTSD.
He doesn't get this.
My mother was going to get the money, give it to me, I was going to look for a home and get it in my name. She knows the hell I've been in for six years. She found me unconscious and stayed with me at the hospital after I tried to end my life. It was just too much suffering. She knows this. She hears me day after day wailing in pain or PTSD hell. And knows when I can lower my stress, have quiet, get counseling, talk about things, I am fine and hears me these times too.
My father doesn't get it. I need his help and I cannot even stand him giving me the money. Somehow he triggers me just the thought. I want him to give the money to my mom who can then give it to me. I told him this. He does not understand other's pain and cannot empathize.
Also he has not heard me time and time again crying in unbearable agony on the phone. I cannot talk to him. The last time I went to his home, an hour later I had a horrific PTSD epidode, had to call 911 and was wisked away to the hospital for the most horrifying evil experience, unimaginable and cannot think about it.
He is unaware of the horrific trauma and evil torture I have been through for more than ten years, and how he triggers my suicidal hell.
What he does understand is that it must be bad because I tried to end my life.
He does not want me to die. My mother says this, my friends say this. He is just blind.
But he must understand that I HAVE to have the home in MY name.
He wants everything his way. But he must help me and do it MY way, not his. He would not want to lose his daughter to PTSD hell. I know that. My mother knows he does not want to ever compromise and ever do things someone elses way to meet their needs. But he has to compromise on something.
I need help and now my mother feels very bad she cannot help me like she planned to. And I feel very anxious and stressed because I know I need to have a quiet home in MY name and have a safe place to heal and I have to make my father understand my need and that he triggers my suicidal PTSD hell and how to help me so I don't end up in too much agony and try to end my life again.
You just posted saying no one has responded to your last two posts. So here goes. You wrote a similar post some time back about whether or not to let your dad help you buy a house. I can no longer access that post or my comment on it, but I think I remember what I said. Get what you need for yourself. It sounds like your dad owes you something for his causing your PTSD. If he can supply your needs financially, in order to get the house you need, let him. Unless the cost to yourself is too dear. If a quiet home would help you recover from the PTSD and you can do it without too much interference from him, then go for it. But if it would mean an ongoing frequent dialogue with him, maybe it isn't the thing to do. I know a house would mean a lot to me. My dad is dead now, but he caused a lot of pain in my early life in various ways. If he offered to help me buy a house, I think I would go for it. However, if my ex-husband, who was sexually abusive, offered to help me buy a house I would definitely not go for it because he would expect some kind of reciprocal action. Like a relationship with him. Or even just staying in contact with him. Neither of which would be acceptable. So you will have to decide for yourself, as we all do, but my prayers are with you in making this decision.
Thank you Donna for the support. It means a lot. And I know you have a lot of wisdom and experience around these issues. I will keep writing and trying to sort out what to do.
Marishka