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he tells lies should i kick him to the curb ?

watsthematerwithme
By watsthematerwithme Friday, February 10, 2012

my partner tells lies  he has told lies the whole time we have been together  he told me he liked animals now he says he hates them    he told  me   that he only tells me what i need to know and he woud rather let me think he was cheating than tell me the truth that he has no libido     - i just cant  get it and i just am so confused so  i cant  trust him  he wont cuddle me when we watch tv and when i brought this up with him he  cringed     IDK  i think i should kick him tto the curb   im am so depressed and so confused

 ideas gratefully  recieved   i have had to put this as a sharepost cause i cant get it to post the question in the questions and i cant find a help page to fix it lol lol lol

What Does Love Mean For You? The Depression Community Question of the Week
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Merely Me
Merely Me
2/10/12 5:26pm

Hi there

 

First off...any time you wish to ask a question you can go to the drop down menu from "Our Community" to "ask a question."  I know....our site can be a little difficult to navigate.

 

It is really hard to tell you what to do considering we know so little about your relationship.  How long have you guys been together?   Do you love him?  Does he love you?

 

But I would say that trust is kind of a big thing in a relationship.  If you don't feel like you can trust him to tell you the truth about little things...then what about the big stuff? These examples you are telling us makes me wonder if he is trying to please you and not say things that he thinks you don't want to hear?  If he is truthful do you accept what he says? 

 

It is up to you how you want to handle things...I guess I would want to know why he does this sort of thing and tell him how it affects you.  Maybe if he knows this is a dealbreaker for your relationship...maybe he will pay attention.

 

Let us know what happens. 

 

Thanks so much for reaching out here.

watsthematerwithme
watsthematerwithme
2/10/12 11:18pm

ty judy  i have been with him over 20 years    yes he says he wants to please me he wants  to avoid conflict   and he says he doesnt lie about big stuff   but how do u trust someone when  they tell u that   and i know that he lied about  a fairly major issue   and only told me cause he was drunk about 5 years ago    i know he didnt tell me the truth about it because he knew it was an absolute deal breaker  for me   but  i was 15 years invested  and i decided to  live with  it  and not hold it against him.

 

i suppose  if u lived with someone for 15 years and then found out they were a  woman instead of a man for example     for most ppl that would be a deal breaker    ( not for everyone )  

 

i have told him  on numerous occasions how i feel i have asked him not to do it  im not interested in hearing what he thinks i want to hear i want his opinion     and i told him it is lying  he says not  lol lol lol      ( it might be creative  thinking  lol lol  thats what  i think  ) 

 

 

and  why doesnt he want to cuddle this is not new this has been ongoing from about year  3  of iur relationship  he doesnt even want to sit on the same sofa as me   he doesnt show any affection at all   i think the whole relationship is a great big DUD

 

anyway  any opinions gratefully   appreciated

   

watsthematerwithme
watsthematerwithme
2/10/12 11:18pm

ty judy  i have been with him over 20 years    yes he says he wants to please me he wants  to avoid conflict   and he says he doesnt lie about big stuff   but how do u trust someone when  they tell u that   and i know that he lied about  a fairly major issue   and only told me cause he was drunk about 5 years ago    i know he didnt tell me the truth about it because he knew it was an absolute deal breaker  for me   but  i was 15 years invested  and i decided to  live with  it  and not hold it against him.

 

i suppose  if u lived with someone for 15 years and then found out they were a  woman instead of a man for example     for most ppl that would be a deal breaker    ( not for everyone )  

 

i have told him  on numerous occasions how i feel i have asked him not to do it  im not interested in hearing what he thinks i want to hear i want his opinion     and i told him it is lying  he says not  lol lol lol      ( it might be creative  thinking  lol lol  thats what  i think  ) 

 

 

and  why doesnt he want to cuddle this is not new this has been ongoing from about year  3  of iur relationship  he doesnt even want to sit on the same sofa as me   he doesnt show any affection at all   i think the whole relationship is a great big DUD

 

anyway  any opinions gratefully   appreciated

   

watsthematerwithme
watsthematerwithme
2/10/12 11:23pm

i must have tried 20 times to post   the question  it just wont post      it just keeps going round and round and the page doesnt display properly  it would have been a lot easier to actually post the question     

 

 

why doesnt the website have some sort of help troubleshoot page   ?    if u dont know that ok   just asking      but i have really tried to post this question

Judy
Judy
2/10/12 9:44pm

Hi, there.  Of course, this is ultimately your decision, but telling lies would be a big red flag for me.  I mean, if he's lying about these kinds of things, is he going to lie even more down the road when you face even harder life challenges?  Are you going to always wonder if he's telling the truth?

 

Maybe it would be possible to have some kind of discussion with him about why he's doing this.  I think sometimes people start lying for one reason or another and then it becomes a habit, where they'll lie if they perceive any threat at all from telling the truth.  To me, it's a kind of withholding - not letting you see him as a whole person.

 

You have to decide where you're going to draw the line, I guess - I wish you all the best.

watsthematerwithme
watsthematerwithme
2/10/12 11:30pm

ty judy  im thinking after more than 20 years its a done deal    i have had enough of the head games    i have told him he  has gotta stop the head games   becuase i have had enough  

 

so  i think its just planning the next move for me   and where i go from here   he seems so unaffected by all this  and  just goes to work comes home  the usual etc etc etc  im bored to tears   im sick of the lies and im fed up to the back teeth  and im depressed     to the max     JACKPOT  lol

Mare
Mare
5/ 7/12 10:47pm

I can relate. Been with someone 9yrs,  and he does not talk or open up about anything  I feel important to talk about, the future, plans  to enjoy life , have fun. I too am so stressed, frustrated, done talking...I've said plenty , no response...     I'm  just taking things one thing at a time.  I'm tired!!

watsthematerwithme
watsthematerwithme
5/ 8/12 2:43am

we have been going to counselling    it really is helping  me to understand him and  for him to understand  why i am so unhappy     -  he was very willing to go   and very happy to go    - IDK what u do if they dont want to  go to some sort of counselling  and work it out luckily  he  was more than happy   to go  he is committed to the relationship  just    IDk    so its a work in progress  no one wants to throw away a relationship   .    It was a last resort   i let him know  if this failed  that was it  i was going to give it my best shot  and really try too   and i needed that sort of commitment too  from him  if not  them  dont waste my time and his and dont waste money  going to counselling 

   

      

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By watsthematerwithme— Last Modified: 05/08/12, First Published: 02/10/12