Hiding behind my shadow

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Wed, May 21, 2008

Hiding behind my shadow is a poem I wrote on my blog.

Hiding Behind My shadow

I slip behind my shadow
To hide, to melt away,
No-one else can see me
Who cares its just that way.

I often feel the loneliness
That I carry around inside
The feelings are so vivid
I try so hard to hide.

My mind is filled with images
I try to see the good,
But I'm hiding behind my shadow
Because I am often mis-understood.

This is how I feel. I try to think of the positive, but depression often takes over. You go to work and try to hide the sadness you feel. You smile, and laugh, but you are just hiding how you really feel. Depression takes over.

Its not easy to come out behind your shadow., often people stay there because they know the stigma depression brings, I said it all in my blog. So I wont repeat it here. I hate feeling this way, I hate the demon taking over in me. Trying to push me to the limit, the limit of no return. I have been in therapy for over 7 years now, and have been in hospital 2x for overdosing on tylenol. Its a wonder that I didnt fry my organs, but I guess God had other plans for me. But of late, I have been doing it again, not to the extreme that I did it before, but I have started using tylenol again. Im afraid to tell my therapist and husband because I don't want to disappoint them, I promised my husband I would not do it again, plus, I don't want to go back into the hospital. So, I still manage to get up in the morning and go to work and hide behind my shadow...Nippercat

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donnalyn

5/22/08 4:06pm

hi., what a great poem., i love it.. it really describes how you feel when you are depressed.. i am sorry you are not feeling well., i to suffer with depression and panic attacks., for many yrs now., i am 49 yrs old.. mother of two.

i started to see a therapist many years back., and also a dr. for meds.

they gave me "zoloft" , which i still continue to take, 2 pills a day 100 mg each., never more , never less. i also take a med. for panic/anxiety.,klonopin. also take as prescribed..

while i do get bouts with anxiety and depression at times., the medicines HAVE definitley helped me!!! it took about 2 to 3 weeks to start working in my system., however, i did feel better.,and i felt allot of the sadness i was feeling , lifted..... tylenol is def. not the answer.

you need a mood stablizer. like zoloft, prozac, paxil. all very helpfull.

need to be taken daily and not over taken. while you will not feel immmediate results., have patience.... you will see within two weeks, you will start to feel a sudden uplifting.., try going to a local mental health place in your area., and talk to them., good luck. and god bless., prayers with you., a friend in vegas., donnalyn

nippercat

5/22/08 6:51pm

Hi Donnalyn, thanks for the reply, i have been on those meds before, and they all worked for awhile, then pooped out on my, I am om nardil, which is a very old antidepressant i believe from the 50's and have been on a for about 3 years now. I see a therapist regularly and we are doing some deep therapy sessions, and I think that is why my mood is a 1 out of 10 right now, because old memories and new memories are coming back to me, I hate it so much, but they want to try this therapy where u listen to music with ear phones and close your eyes and just let whatever comes into your mind happen. therapist told me that not everyone is good at this type of therapy, but I for some reason is very good at this, I can seem to go back into my childhood and bring out the things that happened to me. I know tylenol is not the answer, for some reason it is my comfort. don't know why but it is, and I know I have to stop taking them. I could go on and on but will stop here. if u wish to read more go to my blog at http://nippercats.blogspot.com I have written quite a bit on depression, and how I feel. but go to page 2 first and start with the very first post, then go from there. Thanks again Mary

Anonymous

5/25/08 2:39am

I too am depressed. I went to bed at around 9:30 and its 12 now. i've been tormented by my thoughts and feelings all this time. i too have thought that maybe the world is better without me.

I'm only 15, but your poem and story made me cry and actually feel motivation which i have not felt in a long time.

Firstly, I can relate. My story is kinda personal, so I don't want the world to know really, but in the 1 and a half years I think I lost all my faith in humanity and myself due to all of it. I hated life and I wanted to kill myself.

You said you have felt this way for a long time, so i'm not sure what caused your depression and I think this is what you are talking about in your poem: no-one else caring, hopelessness, loneliness.

Strangely, I care. And that's not fake. I think the same about the world: I caught my dad talking to some hooker on the internet last year, my girlfriend whom I kissed the ground she walked on tells me she loves me, cheats on me, I forgive her, then we get back together, promptly followed by us getting back together again, promptly followed by her saying she hates me (which cycled 5 times over) and me concluding that nobody really cares in this world. I mean I totally cared about her through thick and thin, I cared about my dad, I cared about other people and had total unconditional love, tried to do what jesus would do and stuff, I don't think I ever harmed anyone, yet people just seemed to do shit to me all the time and never love me in return. When they did it was always "don't be sad neil (otherwise if you killed yourself I would feel responsible and feel bad)". Not only that, but all my dreams for the future: I wanted to go to cornell and debate on the national circuit seemed to be going down the drain. I felt the same way you did, that the outside world was fake and hopeless and that nobody cared and that happiness was impossible.

But that's the strange thing about absolute statements: it only takes one counterexample. I found out I cared. Honestly, I knew I did. I was the counterexample. I knew it can't be true that nobody cares, because I knew I cared about the world. Im a guy but I always get emotional when I hear about others suffering, like you. To say this more directly, I've spent an hour and a half (I just changed the number as I finished the email to make it accurate) writing this letter even though I don't know who the heck you are... even though I don't know who you are I care about you.

I have a hunch that maybe you're the same way. I read on your profile that you help special needs children. When you're helping those children, don't you ever feel compassion towards them or love? I'm sure you do. Not only is helping them applaudable (I honestly don't have the patience to stand average people, let alone special needs people, so I really respect you), but this is proof that not only are you "real" but that there are people that care: namely you and I.

It seems like your treatment has mostly been pills. Goodness, don't get me wrong, stay on your pills - its unhealthy to get off of them or fiddle with them too much. But, pills aren't everything, because they focus on only one part of human existence. Namely, a pleasureable happiness. But, life isn't all about direct happiness. In fact, a lot of eastern cultures focus on peace or meaning in life as being the focus, not happiness. You know this already, that's why you help those children everyday. It's also about hope, compassion, love, ...even the sadness you are experiencing. I know I have felt all of the previous for you despite that I don't know you... I know your husband and grandchildren and children also feel the same way. Maybe you felt those feelings too towards them. Sure, you may not feel the emotion of happiness, but you get all these other things and you're a sweet person on the inside. That's a reason to live.

I've thought of suicide too, and right now I look at that in a positive light, only by considering that we can die can we choose to live - other people don't really choose to live, its just default. You however have the powerful option of life: a life of compassion and love which I know you feel and I know people feel towards you.

I care,

Neil

Mary

5/25/08 4:55pm

Hi Neil, You sound like a wonderful person, and only being 15, you sound like someone who cares deeply. thank you for caring, and I mean that. And yes, I care deeply for the kids that I work with. If I didn't I wouldnt be doing this job. I hate this depression, because it can overtake you, and it has overtaken me in the past, as it is now. I also see a therapist on a regular basis, and have for over 7 years now. Without her and the support of my family, I don't know where I'd be now. You are so young, take your time with finding love, concentrate on your studies and go to college, follow your dreams.

And yes people do care, but it is hard to see sometimes when you are feeling that depression is overtaking everything else. Nothing really makes sense when your depressed. Life sucks when you feel this way and I know I hate it especailly recently.

Keep me posted on how you are doing, and know that I am there for you also..

have a look at my blogsite..I have some good reading there that took me a long while to write, but If it helps just one person I will be happy...take care my friend...Mary

Hiding behind my shadow

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