I hate how you look forward to something and then it's over and everything is empty.
My b-day was yesterday
last week I could say "at least my b-day is in a week"
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I am so sorry to read that you wish you were dead. I don't wish that you were dead, and I am sure there are many others who feel the same way I do. Oh, but I DO understand the feeling of wanting to be dead. The pain of depression can get so overwhelming and you cannot see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel, and you just think how it would be so much better if you were dead.
When I say that I wish I were dead or I no longer want to live or I want to kill myself, my 15-year old son always asks me what I am hiding from. He has already lost his father to COPD; he can ill afford to lose another parent at his young age. I get angry when he asks me what I am hiding from and what I am trying to escape. The reason I get angry is because his questions are right on target. I don't like to be forced to face the truth behind his questions. The answer to his question usually has to do with something completely overwhelming to me in my life. Interestingly enough, if I just get out of my bed and start a dialogue with my son or my mom or my dad, then we start to come up with ways to make the situation more tolerable. For me, I WISH I WAS DEAD, usually translates into my not knowing how to handle a situation in my life and, as a result, I do my best to avoid it. This just makes my depression worse, because I have that constant unfinished business going on underneath the surface.
All of this being said, I encourage you to tell me why you wish you were dead. Maybe, together, we can find out what is bothering you so badly that you feel the way you do. Whatever it is, it can be such a relief to get it off your chest with someone who can possibly relate to what you are going through.
One of the things about events we look forward to, such as birthdays, holidays and vacations - I have often found that the anticipation of the event, itself, far exceeds any pleasure I get from the event itself. I would suggest that you set up lots of things you can look forward to and then enjoy the anticipation of those events to the max. That way, when the occasion is over, it doesn't feel so devastating, as there will be other events to look forward to. Some examples might be a trip to the movies, a shopping excursion, window shopping at the mall, a scrumptious bubble bath for yourself, a date night and so on. You could make it up as you go along.
Fill your life with many anticipated events so that you do not find yourself feeling empty when an occasion like your birthday has gone by. Look into why the passing of an occasion such as your birthday leaves you with such an empty feeling inside, afterward. Does it represent some kind of significant loss for you?
I am no therapist or mental health professional, but I have years of experience being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder and migraines. I have spent all too many days wishing I were dead. It is such a lonely, wasted way to feel. You deserve so much better than that. You deserve to be treated with kindness, compassion and concern. You deserve to feel joy in your life.
These things will come back to you. Just open the door to the possibilities.
Wishing you a day filled with peace and joy,
Your post made me pay attention. You have such an insight into the human psyche as it relates to this topic. Your words were both comforting and intriguing. I am sure Christina will draw from your words as she climbs out of her current state. What you said was helpful to me and likely helpful to her as well.
My mom suffered from depression and I wonder if some of those traits did not rub off on me. You mentioned your son, who seems insightful in his own right. I remember being 15 and not even caring that my mom was depressed, much less why she was depressed. Little did I know that her condition was a foreshadowing of what I was to go through. How lucky you are to have a remarkable child. He must be incredibly strong. Strength of character is inheritable as well, isn't it? I am lucky to have two great little boys, too. I live only for them. I admire them so much, and that is why I try really, really hard not to succumb to my depression. It is hard, though. Especially now - at birthday time.
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