I went to see my fathers ashes...

Exams next week :S Ive been so busy revising for them but i cant see it doing any good. The information just doesn't go in. Or it does...and i just blank in the exam. Get to panicky and fail it like i always do i just cant stay calm. I haven't written for a while because this week has been very emotional and i just haven't had the motivation too. I went to see my fathers ashes for the first time. I had to find out where they were scattered (one lawn B- how trivial) Think how many other people there are there. My mother really did not care. He doesn't even have a fucking memorial. He was nothing to her. It's been 4 years since he dies and i havn't been to see him once but i felt to guilty and i couldnt stop apologising to him for it. It brought back all the raw emotions that were swept under the carpet when he died. I dont know wehter its good for me to see him again because it m,ake s me more depressed but i want to because i still love him and i wish he was still alive. I cried...and cried...and screamed...and cried somemore and was at my worst.