Is This a Test???
How quickly life can change! Of course, it's something I've always known, but when it actually happens it can feel like a slap in the face.
When I got to my brother's house for Christmas Eve, I discovered my parents weren't there because my mother couldn't walk or even get herself into bed. So, my dad stayed home with her, but it wasn't long before we found out that she had to be taken to the hospital with extremely high blood pressure - I mean, REALLY high. It took almost 12 hours of trying different drugs to get it down to something like 190/90 and it was confirmed that she'd had a stroke and had probably had several small ones in the past. Not exactly a surprise because we'd noticed some cognitive and physical changes which she kept blowing off. After the hospital, she went into rehab, interrupted by another emergency trip to the hospital and she's now back in rehab where she's getting better at walking and her mind seems to be improving a bit each day.
One week ago, my younger son had major knee surgery for a ruptured quad tendon, caused by a fall on the ice BEFORE Christmas. He'd had x-rays at the hospital which showed no broken bones, so we were told all was okay. But it just didn't get better, so I took him to his doctor, who ordered an MRI and then we had to go to an orthopedic surgeon. It will be a 12-16 week recovery and right now, he has to live with us because he can't take care of himself. He can get around somewhat with a walker or cane, but we can't leave him home alone for long periods of time.
So, suddenly, I'm spending a lot of my energy between trying to do what I can for my parents, including visiting with them, and helping my son get to the point where he can get back to work, as he hasn't much leave left. We went to his apartment last week-end.....I knew it wasn't going to be House Beautiful, but we came home with six trash bags full of dirty laundry, which I am still in the process of trying to get through, along with my own! This means I have to have yet another discussion with his independent care provider about keeping him on track with household chores.
It's really hard to let go of some things. I mean, worrying doesn't help anything, yet it feels like if I don't worry and keep myself aware of what's going on, something bad will happen. That's how it FEELS, but I know, rationally, that there are things that are beyond my control. All I can do is my best. I had one evening where I "lost it" and wanted to do a couple of things that would have made me feel worse, which I realize was reverting back to old coping mechanisms of hurting myself instead of allowing myself to feel angry at being overwhelmed.
But the good thing is, now I can understand what is happening and what situations like this trigger in me and then I have to go find ways to either get support or take a break. I'm blessed.