Does depression interfere with your ability to make decisions? I have a terrible time settling on any one answer when making a decision. Yes, I will do it. No, I can't. But I have to. I am an adult and can make up my own mind. I wish someone would just make the decision for me. I refuse to even think about it until the deadline is passed and thereby avoid a decision. I ought to do it. What will happen if I don't do it? Will I be forgiven if I back out at the last minute?
I rarely blindly jump into anything, in other words. And often, the decision is not something life-altering and does not have major consequences. It really doesn’t matter.
One contributing factor is: depression and antidepressants leave me so fatigued I don't know if I'll have the energy to go anywhere at a certain time or place. Especially if it's scheduled for the evening. So I hate to say yes or no. There’s nothing worse than trying to sit through a symphony or a conversation when you can’t keep your eyes open.
Another factor: fortune telling. If I go, I’ll hate it. I’ll end up the wall-flower. They won’t have anything I want to eat. So-and-so will be there and ruin the evening. Rarely do I predict that Prince Charming will sweep me off my feet or even that I’ll feel comfortable being there.
Factor number three: Depression is very painful. It infuses every part of my being, including my outlook, the way I dress, the speed at which I think, and even my personal hygiene at times. The pain can certainly influence decisions in a dramatic way. In my case, stability is a priority. Avoiding pain is a part of maintaining that stability. Only do what is “safe”. Willingness to go just so far and no further for fear of disturbing that hornet’s nest of pain. Pain of the past, pain of perceived failures, the phantom pain of losses caused by depression. The fear that a decision will bring depression swarming out of that nest and it will overwhelm me again. More painful stings. I think depression heightens my perception of pain. Strange, because it actually seems to numb me at the same time.
With depression, I become less and less able to see things clearly -- as they were and as they are. I think a big part of recovery an being able to make decisions is regaining a distance between the fatigue, the importune clairvoyance, the interpretation-via-pain. Being able to separate myself from the result of a decision and accept whatever happens and move on. To say yes, I may make a fool of myself. Yes, I may make a bad decision. Yes, I or someone I love could get hurt. But also I may find out that this man I’ve been putting off really cares. No, Mother doesn’t always need to get her way. I am a unique individual and am only human, but I can succeed with planning and courage.
Lastly, depression keeps me from seeing that I’m worthwhile as a person. If I’m not worthwhile, then my decisions don’t count. They don’t matter. Who cares if the answer is yes or no. Who cares if I show up or not. Do I even care myself?
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Yes, Donna, I share this challenge.
Decisions are very difficult many times. Not all decisions. And not all of the time. Some I guess are very easy. But some are 'crazy difficult'! (extremely difficult)
Like, where to go that makes me feel good. I know where that is and go there, the mountains, desert, nature anywhere, anywhere quiet. But it wasn't until I got sick and had this horrific pain that I began to follow this adamently....my body just finally said a little louder than ever before, listen please! keep me in quiet, low stress, low key places please! This is where I feel good! I don't feel good in loud, crowded places! Don't take me to the mall please!
Money decisions are very hard.
Now I shop at thrift stores and really try not to shop much. I am trying to become more frugal. Recycle, repair, make homemade stuff and stuff from nature as much as possible.
In my closet though, still hangs my $400 black wool jacket from 'Italy' from some probably very fine shop there...that back then...15 years ago...I felt somehow...I was supposed to choose that way...influenced by family and society I think...
It makes me cringe still thinking of how I felt back then and that I shopped at ...what is that store....oh, Ann Taylor...well, always the outlets....but still...anyway....I just realized, the me inside was wanting to be on the mountain instead of in Ann Taylor stores...just little things that I began to feel inside me...and now it is easier...I know....the 'real me' does not value expensive things and looking sheik ....
I value helping others, living frugally and simply ....and giving to others more...
well, I don't want to put anyone down...just for me...I realized inside, my insides felt very bad buying expensive things...it just was not 'me'.
'career/livelihood decision has been 'crazy hard'
It was very difficult to pick cats...when I finally did, I was tired of my not making a decision and picked in two seconds, just two kittens...not having spent hardly any time that day......just impulse to hurry up finally and get a cat/s.
My precious darling Emma is laying under my chair with her paws up against my toes....and it calms me down like not much else...I am afraid like she is probably in the back of our minds, that soon, Burt will be at the door pawing and meowing to be let in....he seems to do it EVERY time I am enjoying being with Emma and she is happy, enjoying being with me...
back to the topic...
So some decisions are crazy difficult. Deciding what to do now about my precious darlings, my kittens, is crazy difficult. My heart is torn as you can read above..
I really see it is not ALL decisions...some just come very easily and I make them with ease. I think, maybe I will examine which are which...which are the hard ones, and which are in the category that come easily...to explore it...
Easy is to stay away from loud places. By body decided that a few years ago. No choice...pain says no. I think the body does know things...the book, The Body Doesn't Lie is interesting....
I am on my rambling kick....let's hope Marishka reigns it in!
Anyway, I agree, many decisions still seemcrazy hard for me!
have a good night . ...:)
may we trust more in our inner voices and selves!
I need to stop here even though my mind is thinking of a million things to write...I can see my rambling mood is beginning...