I have spent most of the last 2 days in bed all day. With the covers over my head. Not even listening to music. I'm starting to think I would just like to die...because there is no relief. Everything is too difficult. I'm just going through the motions. No, I don't have plans to kill myself. Just thinking it would be nice if I died in my sleep. It feels like everything is wrong physically and mentally. And I don't know what to do about it. No one has an answer. I don't feel good. Next week I will have allergy testing to at least try to stop the incessant itching. I have a pdoc appt next month and will be open to whatever he suggests.
And it's not like "I can't hold on any longer." I've been there before...I'm not there now. I just feel confused about everything. My best friend rejected me last week and was extremely rude...it upset me. There wasn't any reason for it. I've been on this gluten-free and egg-free diet for about 3 weeks now and that is a big adjustment. I thought my stomach was all-better, but then I was sick all night last night. I made myself get up and about today, ran some errands, went for a blood draw to check my anemia, watched TV. I only have $200 in my savings and live from day to day on disability checks...no extra money to get away. But there are local things I could do...and don't.
Maybe I just feel worn out from being sick...and so now depression has set in and I find myself responding to it in familiar ways -- being reclusive, focusing on the wrong thoughts, not feeling like I can tell anyone what I'm going through. Who wants to hear a depressed person talk about how they're feeling? No one. Even my pdoc said he is not a therapist or a counselor, to go somewhere else for that. But if I go back to my old therapist she will blame it all on my mother again and I can't take care of my mother and listen to my therapist trying to stoke the fires.
Fortunately, my mother's teaching ends this week...for at least the summer. That means I don't have to worry about her house being clean. Her hair stylist broke her arm right below the shoulder yesterday, so maybe there will be some adjustment where she doesn't have to get her hair done every week.
I don't feel like I can handle all that life requires.