bored as hell

By Nevinyrral Wednesday, May 12, 2010

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My biggest problem is violent thoughts toward everyone. when we feel alone our minds can lash out like this, however it depends on whichever environment we grow up in. I've been studying psychology at the college along with bio, but my mind always get esoteric. studying is difficult and gettin to be a pain in the ass. What i'm lookin for is some advice in this area. obviously if i go at the rate i am now my minds gonna get worse and i'll lose whats remaining of my sanity. I feel better when i hurt others and don't remember anything from my childhood. maybe thats better then if i did remember it.

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Judy

5/12/10 1:11pm

Hi, there. It sounds like you're more angry than bored and the kind of anger you're describing can happen with depression. I know, it's happened to me. I used to sit in our cafeteria at work, watching people walk out the door and wishing I could shoot every last one of them. A little scary at the time. When I start losing patience with everything, that's a warning sign that the depression is getting the upper hand. Have you seen a psychologist at all? The fact that you don't remember your childhood can be an indicator of traumatic things that might have happened that your brain tucked away at the time to protect you. I had that happen to me, as well. I didn't start getting any relief until I started therapy and, eventually, got on medication. Maybe you're feeling overwhelmed, I don't know. But writing here is a start at reaching out and I hope you will find some help where you are. We're here if you want to say more.

Merely Me, Health Guide

5/12/10 3:18pm

Hey

so...you are having violent thoughts? Can you describe them? Are they directed at anyone in particular? Have you ever acted upon these thoughts?

You say you cannot remember your childhood...do you feel that maybe you were exposed to some sort of trauma?

Based upon what you are telling us here...I am concerned and I do think it would be good to seek out some counseling or therapy before this does get any worse. You don't want to mess up your life...you have a lot of life ahead of you.

Let us know if we can point you to any resources or information.

Stay with us...and keep talking.

Nevinyrral

5/12/10 9:57pm

the violence is directed at anyway around me at the time. I went to a shrink today and they kept trying to put me on drugs. I don't like that shit. Anything i do remember from my childhood is told to me from my sisters and brother. I was always violent with family and peers. my oldest sister used to beat my brother and other sisters but she never hurt anyone outside the family.

Merely Me, Health Guide

5/13/10 4:09pm

Hello again

So you have a history of violence within your family? When you say violence...what exactly do you mean for what you do to others? Do you hit people or are you just verbally angry...or...?

I am glad you went to see the doctor. Will you receive any therapy? Meds are not for everyone but you might want to research the medication choices and see what you think.

In the meantime what would you like to do about your anger?

Keep talking to us...we are here for you.

Nevinyrral

5/13/10 9:08pm

The violence is verbal and physical but i never act on them. Easiest way i can explain it is to imagine yourself hungry and wanting a hamburger, except people are the cattle. I've been taking Keppra for a while now, and do notice some of the side effects, the most common being tiredness. I don't like those mood altering drugs cause they cause Ach to backup which can cause insanity. I do know it does work well for some people, and causes more problems for others. its more like a coin toss but i don't wanna flip it.

Marishka

5/13/10 5:28am

Hi ,

I just wanted to say I relate to having these violent thoughts and I think it is natural...my understanding is that the violent fantasies are just indications of having rage inside...for me, when traumas occur repeatedly now in my life and the feelings build... and I have no one to talk to about my feelings...mostly of terror....it switches to rage....the fear is too much, so I begin to feel rage...perhaps rage at being subjected to something that makes me terrified and no one to help me or take me out of the situation...

I have PTSD very badly...do you know if you have that?

I do think something like ativan can help calm down those thoughts and urges...I think it is ok to have the thoughts but we need to not to act on them either towards ourselves or others...as hard as that is....

I am sorry you are feeling such pain....as this is very painful to feel such rage...I know...

anything help at all to get rid of some of the pressure feeling? walking long walks helps me....and talking out my feelings definately helps...get some of the pressure down...also just writing the angry visions out helps me...what I would like to do...

I understand and wish you the best and hope you seek a counselor or group to talk to....

Marishka

LyraStorm

5/13/10 9:33am

Hi,

I can relate to having these violent thoughts/urges - like what has already been said it's generally an indicator of bottled up anger. I think it would be beneficial for you to find someone to talk to - I've never taken much stock with the shoving of pills down my throat either, but if you look around you should be able to find a shrink who will be happy to talk to you and not just try to write you a prescription.

Other ways of dealing with the anger, getting stuff out, is to write things down (diary, story format, here), paint/sculpt/etc, play music, run/kick-box/etc... there's a myraid of ways to channel that energy in you that makes you have those thoughts and makes you feel kind of bored, more probably like you have an itch that you can't scratch and what you are doing most certainly isn't what you are after so your mind wanders... is it something like that?

Please do try and find an outlet for all of that pent up stuff and keep writing to let us know how you are doing.

stardust

5/13/10 3:49pm

Hi,

I think all of the above posts are really valid, in relation to managing the anger and the trauma issues also. I do believe there is another component here that very much needs to be addressed, and that is the effects of your epilepsy medicine, and the epilepsy itself on your emotions. My comments are from long-time experience with my loved one who developed epilepsy 40 years ago, 27 of which we've been together. So many factors from the epilepsy itself affected his emotions. Having the epilepsy itself and the related rage, the affect it had on his career (doesn't look good to have a seizure in front of your peers, and/or your boss) adds to the internal anger and rage. These can be projected to the world around you. He was not fully controlled by his meds and they sedated him, emotionally he was just generally angry and surpressed the rage he felt. Before this current med, he experienced awful rage.

We found an outstanding Epilepsy Specialist who not only got him back on track with meds causing no seizures, but the med has a mood elevator in it. His anger and bad thoughts subsided or became totally rare but no rage. We can talk out our problems now. The medicine is called lamictal. Also, the medicine, klonopen is an anti-anxiety and adjunct anti-seizure drug. He takes it at bedtime. Neither one knocks you out into an overdrugged state. Quite the opposite. Lamictal has been around for 7 years so its success rate is pretty well known. My husband took Keppra before lamictal and it spaced him out. These meds can have different and sometimes severe emotional side effects for each person, but the lamictal profile is pretty low compared to others. There is childhood emotional trauma also interlaced here, but is much easier for him to explore and live with.

BTW I do not have epilepsy, but I take it for mood disorder and depression. Really helps.

Just thought I'd share with you another possible avenue to explore. I wish the best for you, Stardust

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