Need Help... I don't know what to do

By CC Sunday, January 09, 2011

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This is my first online community thing to join.

This is also my first sharepost so I do not know really where to start.

I struggled through depression for about 2 years- my junior and senior year of highschool. Did the whole deal...lexapro plus seeing someone once a week to talk about things. Depressed in the first place because I had gone through two emotionally sometimes physically and sexually abusive relationships in those two years. It was really bad but then it got better and I was excited to go to UT to study biology and have a great time in Austin!

But now, halfway through my first year I have found myself almost as severely depressed as I was in high school. Almost my immediate response to big fights with family or struggles in school is to think about suicide. I know that is not rational but I feel like I do not even have control over myself when I get emotional and it scares me and it is even embarrassing sometimes to think I could get so overwhelmed.

I know that I need to get help. But I don't want to tell my parents or my friends that I am going through this again because I am embarrassed and don't want to be a burden on anyone else.

I just don't know what to do right now...

I am looking for some guidance...somewhere to start?

Advice? Anything really because I feel like a burden to friends and family if I share this with them and at this point I think that would make my depression worse.

Thanks.

Journaling About Decisions and feelings

Comments (7) | Add comment

Anonymous

1/ 9/11 11:47am

Hi first off I want you to know that I dont pretend to hold the truth, but I would like to gve you my two cents, The feeling of guilt when one is going trough a episode of depression is typical and I would venture myself to say that its ''normal'' so the good news if we can call it that is that you are no different than anyone thats battling depression. Familly & Friends often dont understand what depression actually is, so some will hear stuff like shake it off or pull yourself up and such, its not that they are not well intended its just that they dont have the expertise to help. What I might suggest is that you find yourself a key person that you feel comfortable with like a therapist...there is no shame in that quite the contrary, but you must be willing to give the efforts needed to get trough this, you might need medication for a while only a Doctor can make that decision with you, do not self medicate with alcohol or other substance. I wish you Fair Winds and Calm waters

Judy

1/ 9/11 12:14pm

Hi, CC. Do you have a student health center at school? You might try getting help there. Bottom line, though, is don't let shame keep you from getting the help you need. I'll bet your family would much rather see you get help than not. It's not your fault, it's not anybody's fault except perhaps that of the people who've abused you, but even then, all you can do is try to recover. You've done it once and I'll bet you can do it again. I know it's easy to think that once you've gone through the whole routine you'll be done with it, but sometimes things happen in life that can trigger another episode. If you can realize it at an early stage and get help, it can keep it from getting worse.

I'm sure it's tough to have to be dealing with this will going to school but if you can get help, it'll make it easier in the long-run. Hope you can find a solution. As I said, don't let shame or fear or being a burden stop you - you have a right to get help. Let us know how you're doing.

1/ 9/11 6:41pm

Thank you for the quick responses. It was nice to wake up to see optimistic advice.

I found out that we do have health services at my school, including psychiatrists for students. I am working on finding the courage to ask a friend to go with me and make an appointment. I hadn't thought of doing that before. Feeling slightly less trapped in this situation...:]

lopezg

1/10/11 12:59am

Hi there...

i can relate with you not telling your friends and family...I too feel ashamed of telling people. first of all because im a guy, guys shouldnt have this problem, well thats how i was raised, to not show any emotion.

im barely getting help, i have my first appointment with the doctor tomorrow. im scared that ill be clinically depressed and have to take pills but i probably will...ive had lots of thoughts of suicide but my tennis coach has managed to keep me alive, if it wasnt for him, id be dead right now. i still have some hope, and now i want to get help...

If you dont want to tell them, tell someone that u really trust. is there someone that comes to mind? Telling someone will help. It helped me, but u have gone through this before...

I myself have gone through a lot of emotional abuse, especially from dad. right now ive stopped talking to people because i feel like a bother even though people tell me im not. im glad i can relate to u, doesnt make me feel bad...I hope u can get help and get better...if you ever want to talk, im here to listen.

1/10/11 2:11am

hey, thanks for responding.

although I don't like to see others struggling in a way it is nice to feel like I can relate to others...especially someone so close in age.

I am trying to find someone who I can trust with this information.... A friend at UT that is strong enough to not also let it affect them too much with their own hard classes and whatnot.... or a family member..... I am not ready to tell anyone yet but I think I am getting closer to doing so. Your encouragement helps...

As for your own situation, I hope you realize now, and with continued help that it is okay to show emotion. It is healthy and natural and furthermore necessary... I am sorry that your dad is causing you to struggle with your emotions and encouraging you to repress them! That's not healthy...he may be an adult and a parent but he is not right about teaching you to repress your emotions.

As for the anxiety about your first appointment, official clinical depression diagnosis and the possible depression medicines- don't be afraid! A diagnosis is the first step towards getting better.... The first appointment can be sort of scary but it also a big relief once you can share your burden with a professional. You may not need to take antidepressants...but even if you do don't be scared. I used to take lexapro and for the most part, the complications that arose were when I did not follow the instructions of taking them. Lexapro really did help take the "edge" off of the pain. It made it easier to cope and to open up to people. Talking regularly to a professional also really helped because they have heard eveerrrytthinngggg nothing is shocking to them nothing will make them judge you. You can tell them anything .No embarrassment no need to repress any emotions whatsoever. It's nice. :]

Anyway, I hope your first appointment goes really well! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

If you are willing to share , I would love to hear how it goes...

Also, I am here to listen about whatever else you wanna talk about! :]

lopezg

1/10/11 2:46am

Im glad that i was encouraging...Life isnt what we want it to be...im 18...i dont know how to deal witn many situations...ive grown to be more of an adult since i was young...

My dad was never there for me. he never showed that he cared...that really has affected me. I was doing somewhat well untill my past came back and stopped me from continuing life. I lost my job, couldnt go to college because i owe money...this made things worse. Untill i couldnt deal with it.

Yes i am very scared about tomorrow. But its best for me. I want to get better and have a "life" for once.

I hope u can talk to someone without taking time frim them...i have the same problem...I found a role model...one night i wanted to get drunk and who knows what else...but he told me that i could get better, that things could be fixed...I believed him. I talked to him and he basically knows everything about me. Its just that i feel like i have bothered him so much...He has helped me out so much, but in a way, i am taking his time, i might be making him sad with all ive said.

a professional will understand me and wont judge. thats all i want in life...someone to listen to me!

Im not to big on medication, but if its necessary, i will...i just hope i dont....

And ill be putting up what happens, i hope u do the same.

Merely Me, Health Guide

1/10/11 6:44pm

Hi CC

Thank you for coming to MyDepressionConnection.

First off I want to respond to something you said that we all say when depressed....you are NOT a burden! It sounds like you do struggle with depression and you have to look at it just like any other illness...there are certain triggers and symptoms but also there is help and treatment.

I am wondering if you can identify any triggers for your recent feelings of depression. This may help you as you seek ways to recover.

Wanted to see how you are feeling today and if you have had any success in finding a counselor or therapist.

Please hang in there and let us know how you are doing.

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