Just some thoughts- venting

I have been living with depression for more than 20 years. I know it gets worse in the winter so I increase my doses until spring and it has worked so far...until this year. I am having such a hard time, I don't know what to do anymore. My doctor is away in Mexico and he is the only one I feel comfortable telling things to. I have gone through 5 jobs in the past 4 1/2 months, everytime I try to commit to something my anxiety level goes through the ceiling, I go back to feeling like a loser. I know something is wrong but the local hospital supposidly doesn't take our insurance for psych. I have been hospitalized once when I went through my divorce 7 years ago but have done well until mid last year. I dont know what to do anymore. I don't even know where to turn. I am not even sure I want to be a nurse anymore. I am just so tired...