I have been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder for 2 years. I am not doing well with it. My husband and i seperated in FEB of this year because he could't handle my compulsions, my sadness, and my lack or willlingness to get anything done or go any where. I did try as much as i could. I was put on Cymbalta and Seroquel at the beginning of the year and although it helped with my racing thoughts, my depression got a lot worse. Or at least i found out that it was worse when i couldn't afford my meds anymore and my husband didn't want to help pay for them. The Seroquel helped with my racing thoughts but i also gained 50 lbs in 4 months...that was extremely discerning. Anyway, i have been off my medication, all of it, cymbalta, seroquel, and trazadone since May. I think it is seriously catching up with me. I have lost my psychiatrist because i had to cancel an appointment because i didn't have the money to pay for him either. I don't like leaving my house unless i have someone to go with me that i trust to go apply for medicaid, i can't hold down a job because i don't like to leave my house, and the times that i do leave my house it is because i have someone with me or where i am going is comfortable to me. Which means it is my daughters house or my husbands house. Yes i know that sounds crazy, but even with my seperation we talk and visit on almost a daily basis. Anyway, i know that i need serious work on my cognative behavior, i need to talk to a counselor on a weekly basis, and the thing that i have to do the most is learn to face my past which was not that great and to learn to let it go. THAT is one of the hardest things that i have been told has to happen. You know the thing is there are two of me (not physicaly) but there are two of me inside me...there is the logic side of me (which is the weakest) and then the one that doesn't want to face life at all so i try to stay in my shell and not have to face the chaos. If i don't face the chaos then i don't have the panic attacks, or the shakes, or the emotions. Yet i have then the emotions all the time. I cry, get angry (extremely quickly) and close to volatile, i get extremely confused, and very forgetful. I know what i need to do. Get out of my house, go to see if i qualify for medicaid, and work on need for help. But what ugly doors will be opened and will i make it through dealing with it and how long will it take. I am not planning on suicide, but i can tell you sometimes it is very appealing at the thought of just shutting it all off for good. Sorry to be the debbie downer.
Hey there
You are not a "downer"...you are just writing about your life. It sounds like you have had some extreme challenges to face and I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. It is very hard to get help and to change when your life is falling down around you.
How can we help support you? Are you in need of any resources?
In what you write...we can tell you are trying very hard. This was a good step to reach out here.
Keep writing especially if it helps...just to get it all out. We don't have any great advice but at least we can listen.
Please hang in there.
MerelyMe, thank you very much. I appreciate it. I don't feel like i am trying very hard. I need to find the resources for help. I need someone that i can talk to becuase a lot of what i feel is all jarbled up. It is like i fight with myself regarding help. I don't want to continue living like this anymore. I just don't know where i can go or what i can do about it. People that i am close to either don't understand it and blow it off or just don't want to hear about it.