Bipolar Mania&Depression

i cant do anything to get more medications. Klonopin was vaguely described on distribution and i really like the way it helps me. I was on xanax for two years, so the K was prescribed to help me come down off the xanax. So i took more of it, instead of decreasing by a week i just kept taking it as they informed me at the beginning. So if i try to get it filled again, my insurance will not pay for it. So if it has side effects or withdrawls like xanax i will have to deal. Not easy, been there done that. I also just found out that they werent giving me near the starting MG that i should have been. If i had maybe i wouldn't have over taken the 4mg they had me on a day from 4 mg of xanax of two years just to get a somewhat level from my anxiety. So that is about the Klonopin. There is so much more to the story....

I'm so sorry that you're having such difficulties with your medication. It is not right at all. You should be monitored by the prescribing doctor. If Klonopin works for you I hope you can find a way to afford it.

Please continue sharing your story, whatever you feel up to telling, it can help to get things off of your chest.

you asked about my situation. i can't get into a lot of it without giving myself away, but i used to be a single mom, been married 3 times. Child born out of wedlock, molested as a young kid, parents divrced when i was 7. Molested from young teenage to young adult, in addition giving consent to family members bc thought they would still love me. Raped when i was 15, told some one they blew it off. Told an adult of the molestion and was shipped off to other parent to avoid scandal. Was very close to father, but he divorced my mom when i was 7 and i was very astute child. In third marriage, went from single mom to having 5 kids in house ages ranged 16-4. Now only 3 in house, mine is living with boyfriend, my grandmother, and her dad but we are extremely close. then other three belong to husband. This isn't my first time with problem. Went through group therapy last year twice and husband asked me to leave after second group therapy, bc he couldnt deal with alot. Although his ex is also bipolar, but i am not as bad....there is more....if you want to hear it....

No wonder you're having a tough time, you've been through a LOT. I think the first thing you need to do is accept that you deserve some slack given to you - it's not about just doing your best for others (like dropping out of therapy for your husband) you deserve to be helped and listened to. Of course I would love to hear more, but only if you feel up to sharing. I'm glad you've come to this site - I think you can get a lot from it by reading others posts and continuing to share. There are some really good people here that you can help you trust again and sympathise with you.

I believe there is a site connected to this one that deals with those who have suffered sexual abuse - I think I saw Merely Me post something about it once, that might be worth you checking into it. In the meantime please continue to share your story if you feel up to it.

dont get me wrong, i didn't drop out of therapy the last time bc my husband asked me to...the medical team believed that it was time for me to do one on one. When my husband realized the impact of what was going to happen with the diagnosis that i had at the time, and the most major fact at the time is that i am an impulsive spender...almost putting him in bankruptcy...he thought that it would be best for BOTH of us if i went to live with my grandmother take care of her (instead of going to a nursing home) and to find myself while i healed. So he asked me to leave our home and his children. We don't agree on the parenting of step children. Their mother is in the picture behind bars every other weekend, but i am not apart of that thank goodness. So, i moved my daughter 15 at time and myself in with my grandmother and started taking care of her and trying to heal myself. We (my husband and i) talked everyday, fought some, threatened some, then learned how to communicate a little better over an 8 or 9 month period. Back in '08 winter time, i was introduced to a favorite past time of mine that i loved. It was almost like i was finding myself as my husband had suggested but then he started to realize that i could go on with out him if i had too.  So i started bowling in January '09 i joined a bowling league. My grandmother ended up in hospital with little chance of living with a anurysm surgery. My daughter and i was getting along fine at gma's but my gma was driving me crazy especially when she first came home after surgery. I was her 24.7 caregiver, doc appts, meds, supper, laundry, animals...etc mind you all this time i had been diagnosed with borderline Personality Disorder just back in Aug / Sept of '08...so if you know anything about it, or any other diseases it doesn't change over night....i could go on like this all night long not sleeping well...should i quit?

No you shouldn't quit - it's good that you're getting all of this off of your chest. I'm glad you stopped therapy because your therapist thought it was time not cause of your husband, but it sounds like you might still need more help. I'm also glad that you found bowling - do you still do that? It's always good to have an outlet, to have fun, relax. I'm not surprised your grandmother drove you crazy, having to take care of her 24/7 like that - anyone would get annoying if you had to look after them all the time, it must have felt so suffocating, I can't really imagine it.

How are you going with the shopaholic stuff? It's hard to stop spending once you start, but now that you've had time away without access to your husband's money has that helped?

Please continue sharing - I hope it is doing you some good.

no the impulsive buying hasnt really stopped other than my husband controls all the money and if i spend even outside of asking him and then changing the amount by even $10 he gets upset. While  we were apart, my daughter got a big check for her dad's disability (not her bio dad, he has never had anything to do with her)..after paying some bills of hers, i took the liberty of spending all of her $4500 when i so chose too....

Yes i still bowl, it starts next week, but with me not working  my husband is not happy about supporting that outside thing either bc  he says that he works to hard for his money. I am currently looking for a part time job. Not near what i am capable of doing. I have a degree as admin assist and 3 semester of criminal justice under my belt.

Back to where i was. by thetime that my husband and i got back together (Memorial

day weekend '09) things between my husband and i seemed to have gotten better. He had stipulations for me when i returned and i had two of my own, his to me was that I would stop going out every night but could go out everyonce in a while bc i love to sing. and the second was that i be allowed to join the league again. Well like i said that starts this thurs, and he is now asking me if he has to give me any money for it or is he expected to pay for that too,,,,there is plenty more.....

I guess the question is: do you think you have a problem when it comes to spending money, or is it just those around you who think you're spending too much? If you do think it is an issue do you want to do anything about it? This is just one way you can work on your life.

Please continue sharing.

i know i have a problem with spending money. i iwsh i didn't. my daughter would still have her money and  i eould feel guilty about stealing it from my daughter. it was supposed to be used for college. i would love to work on it but don't know how. my husband keeps pretty tight rein on money though so that i don't bury him again. As you can see i have trouble sleeping...how do i work on impulsive spending when half the time i just have to convincve myself to get out of bed in the morning. There seems like there is so much  that i have to work on with my life but it sure seems shelfish....

Maybe if you make a list of the things you want to work on, so you know it's all there and you will get to it in time, and then try to work on one at a time. All at once it can be overwhelming and probably pushes you into compuslive behaviour like shopping to release some of that stress and guilt (even if it doesn't seem to make sense cause you're adding more guilt - you kind of get yourself caught in a destructive loop this way).

Sleep has been an issue I've had for a long time. There are certain things that you can do, like making sure you've exercised plenty in the day to try and tire yourself phsycially, setting a routine of when you're going to go to sleep and get up again (it's easy to fall out of routine when you don't have to get up for work), not eating for several hours before you go to bed, trying to relax before you go (some take warm baths and do aroma therapy or meditation) and avoid going on the computer before bedtime... it's easy to list these things but I'm forever slipping up. Just thought I might pass on some tips I've heard.

Urges/compulsions are very difficult to deal with. I've spent large portions of my time fighting them, often it helps to transfer that energy elsewhere. Like instead of buying things paint a picture or go for a walk, or when you're walking through the shops let your mind wander over other things instead of paying attention to what you are passing by.... there is probably a lot of better advice out there, self-help books, websites etc, maybe there are some pointers in the fact sheets on here (I must admit I haven't looked)... just cut yourself some slack. You should reward yourself for simply trying... in fact that's another way to help: give yourself a reward when you don't spend money (maybe have some chocolates that you're only allowed when you don't buy things, or something else you enjoy as a reward...). It's difficult, I know, but please stick with it.

kind of back to my problem, like i said i have recently been diagnosed wth bipolar. it runs almost parallel with border line but not quite. I am on Celexa 40mg which seems to be the highest dosage but can do upto twice a day. I am on the Klonopin 4 mg, which according to another health web site the minimumm is supposed to be 2.5 but supposed to start at higer dosage to be able to come down off of. I am also on 4 mg of abilify...which also is way below that minimum dosage to be taken. When i have it, although it has only been about a month, it doesnt seem to work at these dosages. i have an appointment on the 19th to see my doc but i don't know what to do since i am out and don't feel like it is working very well. My logical side has to be extremely careful when dealing with husband, kids, and myself.BC i will loose it and i can feel the deepest red of rage running through my system and it is extremely hard to hold it back. EXTREMELY HARD....i want to tell myself goodness just grow up already and get past the crap that makes me angry, then i feel like a weakling and not expressing myself on the chance that i will hurt someones feelings more than anything. See my dad gave up on me when i was 15. His wife couldn't deal with my incorridgability(sp?) so she told him to choose me or to she was leaving. So he sent me to my grandmothers, and abandoned me what i felt like was a second time. I told him to get out and that i hated him and i can tell you that is one of the reasons i have so much trouble dealing with my rage bc i know what the black hole of hate feels like and i NEVER  want to feel that way again,

It sounds daft but one of the first things I realised when dealing with my anger is that by trying to hold it in I was making it worse. The more you bottle things up the angrier you will get because you're frustrated and things are left to fester. You need to find an avenue where you can let it out safely - therapy is often a good place for that and perhaps writing here will help a bit too. Anger is scary and overwhelming and seems to take control of us - and who likes to lose control? But the saying 'its better out than in' is true - just as long as you find the right time and place to do it. A good therapist can help you release some of it in the least harmful way possible.

I don't know much about medications - I never really found any that worked for me - but if you're on high doses and they are doing nothing for you than unfortunately it sounds like the stuff you're taking isn't for you. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor about trying something different?

regarding my sleep...my body fights it. i hate to sleep although i know we need it. You sort of sound like my therapist. These things you have suggested i have done. i cant do aromatherapy bc the smells bother my husband. i have listen to music sometimes that helps but even that bothers him even with headphones. eating before i go to bed bothers me, so i don't normally do that...

regarding my rage, now that is something entirely new that i have identified here of late. of course, my husband has noticed it for a few years. the way i swing with my moods is crazy. I know that i am not supposed to hop on that train of thinking and staying there, just to let it pass by but for me that is harder said than done bc i like to have control of my mind. Woohoo. thing is tht i dont know what my triggers are...well honestly i do but admitting them is very painful. I don't want to face them. I can tell you what they are in a clinical sense by detachment but even then i have to think about them and then i feel guilty bc i really should gve myself and others credit for tryiung so hard. the other night my husband and i got into an arguement, over a small thing, and i got so angry that with the mds i was on at the time i had no business driving. i was determined come heck or high water i was going to leave. He took my keys  off my purse and wouldn't give them back. eventually i told him if he didn't give them back i was going to come across the bed and would fight him for them.he was right, i had no business driving...but i wanted to leave to cool off from our fight...he did give them back and i drove approx 3 miles and turned around and came back home. but that is the kind of rage i am talking about. i know it sounds strange to say that, but to be quite honest with you i cant imagine hurting anyone in my family, husband, kids, or even myself. but when all i see is black or red i am absolutely blind to the fact that i could loose it. i guess i know it enough to back out of the situation or go in another room, but it is really scary. and of course since my rage has been brought out more, i see shadows. My therapist knows that too, but i am not real crazy about her either.

now regarding my medications, i know my body very well. and if it isn't strong in dosage it isnt going to work.So the celexa, klonopin, and abilify are not where they need to be...they all need to be higher. and not bc i am a prescrip junkie, i just know that i have taken meds like this before so my body has a higher tolerance for them.

normal conversation for just a minute...when do you get off from doing this?

I'm just another person like you who posts on here. I just happened to notice you were replying quickly so kept replying myself. My advice is simply from a person who has had to go through some stuff myself, but everyone is different.

Perhaps it is the manic side of your bipolar depression that keeps you from sleeping. I don't know - I suffer depression, not bipolar but I have heard the mania can affect it.

I totally understand your desire to leave when you're angry. I've gotten in trouble lotsa times for walking out when in an argument. I fear that if I stay I'll do something everyone will regret cause I know I'm losing control of myself the angrier I get. Like you said: you wouldn't want to hurt your family, husband, kids, etc but when you lose it it's like someone else is in control, or it feels that way for me. I can do things when angry that I wouldn't when I'm not - that's why I fear it so. Is it the same for you? Over time I've gotten a better control of my temper by letting things go a bit and stopping myself from being so judgemental... well it's not as easy as that but it's hard to explain.

I think you're doing a great job in sharing here and in your life in general. You seem to be fighting really hard.

thank you i appreciate that. i subscribed to alot of people. i just hope that i didn't keep you up all night bevcause i was responding so fast. and yes it is that way for me when it comes to anger. if it is bad enough i just see black or red until it has passed. if i dont control it, or at least rationalize the arguement before or during then it could get way out of hand.

this is the first time i have pulled an all nighter with a real person to talk to...my huband works and i cant be tapping away at the computer in the bedroom, besides i sleep better by myself and for the most part so does he.

I have soi much stuff in my head that i just want to put down and have people respond or comment. You know like make diary entries and see if anyone has anything to say about it. but there is so much there i don't know that anyone would want to take the time to read it, You said you were in your twenties, God, if only i could have caught it that soon things would be so different for me. Changing your lifestyle and thinking at my age 37 is very difficult to do. I know to take it one step at a time, day by day, even the littlest accomplishment is a reward for me. some people feel they deserve something tangible, but i am more along the lines of yeah i did this today. i am proud of myself even though i really really didn't want to...i think i am going to get off here for tonight but i have lots of free time tomorrow, so i will definitely be back on. i type faster than i write so i may try that diary thing on here. Good night.

I have a catalog shopping problem.  i owe about $1,000 and my hubby does not know. i also sneak extra items into my buggy at walmart i dont need. purses, shoes etc., (not shoplift). Any help for me? i am trying to throw catalogs in paper bin as they come out of the mail box. it helps but sometimes i go retrieve them.. it is such a thrill for me to shop. i can stay at walmart 3 hrs and crawl up to thr front door becus i am in so much pain from be on feet so long. i have edema and this is not good. i have to elevate and get the ice pacs out to get the swelling down.

Kelti,

I have a shopping problem as well. I am by now means a social worker, certified anything to tell you what to do about the shopping in the store. However i do have a suggestion for you on the magazines. You know that money that you spend at the store, go spend it on a NICE BIG huge shredder. I know maybe you smiled maybe not, but i am really not making light of the situation. The reason I am not is because i am not only an impulsive shopper, i am a petty theft of the things that i want that i know i can't afford. so i hate to go shopping bc the impulse i have to just pick up those $5 earrings or body spray. I don't mean to anger people in here. I used to work in retail, i know that the impact of shrinkage rolls down hill to the consumer. So i try not to go shopping by myself and my husband controls all the money so that i dont have the means to impulsive shop.

Merely, i am glad you posted. Things aren't going well bc it has just started. The meds, meeting with NA group which i havent done yet...i did admit to my doc that i have a drug perscription problem which she already knew but knew tht if she didnt facilitate it that i would find a way to self medicate. it is going to be a long hard road and i just dont really know which way to turn right now. Thanks for all your support.

Hi there,

I think that you need the support of people and this site can provide you with the right support. The people here are wonderful. We must never forget, however, that we are never completely unable to control ourselves. It is good for you to continue seeking support here while at the same time doing all that you can to change a little. You know you have problems like we all do but never think that you cannot work on these problems. If you try to help yourself the people here will support you even more. It is difficult. I have experienced what you are experiencing now. I was able to change and find the way to control myself. It is also good to try to cooperate with your husbund. Try to explain to him what you are going through and listen to him. Maybe you can help each other. I certainly hope so. Try not to see yourself as being against the world. Many people are willing to help you and many of us have experienced what you are experiencing now.

YOU CAN DO IT.

Alfredo