Will life ever get better???

By Sancho84 Sunday, August 09, 2009

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I've been dealing with this for going on a year. I'll be 43 this month and hate my life today. I have to explain what got me here. I was a really good saleman-outgoing & enojoyed life. My wife & I had always wanted kids. We had tried everything, but a chance came up a little over a year ago to adopt 2 kids from Central America in an orphanage. During this time we were building a home that I really did not want by my wife said she wanted a change. I finallly relented and the building started on her birthday in Feb. 08. At the time things seemed well. However, in June of that year I learned my Dad had inoperable cancer. It was salivary gland cancer & the bad part is we all tried to make him get help. Well he did not until it was really too late. We moved in Aug 08 about a year ago & we started to get ready to fly overseas for our first trip to meet the girls. It was awesome. However, upon coming back, I had something get in my left eye, I may have used really old eye drops that then started my downward spiral. I'm still not sure what happened, but my Dad was being treated at a hospital near us. I was able to visit all the time. Then the anxiety started over how I looked and felt about myself. It burned, I felt bad that I did this & it did not look good anymore. I became obssesed with looking at it,etc. It was so bad I was hospitilized for a heart attack-it was anxiety/panic attack. My GP later put me on Paxil-worst drug I've ever had-made me feel more depressed to the point of suicide. Then she up it to 50 mg by Christmas-I felt bad hated to look at myself-still do today and was placed in the hospital on New Years. What a great first year. During that time I switched sales jobs, I lost all self-confidence, avoid people, hate the home we live in because it all happened here. Almost decided to overdose or kill myself somehow, even hanging. If you met me a year ago, you would have never thought this. I don't like to speak to my neighbors, even though I do sometimes. I used to be religious & now I'm wondering why?? I lost my Dad on Father's Day and my Mom is narrssitic, so I get no support from her. My wife has been OK, but I also think had I stuck to my guns and did not move that I would be so much better off. It's only us and we have 5br/3 1/2 ba WHY???? I know we were thinking about the future, but WHY now??? On top of that the economy tanked, etc. etc...We did not get the girls, after making 2 more trips this yr. My outlook on the future is miserable. I used to talk to my Dad daily and to let you know an ex. of my Mom, she lets me talk to him because they live further away after he has died. What a mom. I don't trust my judgement anymore as I think every decision I have made has been horrible and I could not even take care of myself as my Dad was dying. Thanks for listening....

Comments (4) | Add comment

martha

8/ 9/09 12:48pm

i understand, iv had 16 months from the deep but i have to go on i thought like you but i desided that my life is going to change. have you thought about getting a diffrent doctor, and mabey going to see a therapist? trust me its taking me 31 years to go see a therapist but i finnely did and she has realy helped me i still need drugs, and support wich im having a hard time finding right now becouse the person who supported me the most was killed. but i keep remebering things she told me. you need to find someone to just listen and tell you life is worth living there are so many new things some good and some bad, but if your dad was here what would he say to you. my dad would say knock it off get up and go get some air, or lets go for a bike ride.

Merely Me, Health Guide

8/ 9/09 10:04pm

Hi there

Nice to meet you and welcome to My Depression Connection.

Okay the one part of your story I did not understand was about the eye problem? And how you looked and anxiety over that....tell us more if you could about that part of your story.

You have really endured some huge life stressors. I don't think it is so abnormal to feel considerable stress for everything you have gone through...you lost your dad who you say was a huge support to you...you are surviving this terrible economy...you followed a dream of a big house that maybe you didn't want...and you didn't get the children you thought you were going to get.

So don't beat yourself up for reacting to all of this. I get the feeling that you are feeling overwhelmed right now. This would be natural for anybody.

I am glad you are here. There are a lot of supportive people to listen. I hope you write more. We are here for you.

Judy

8/11/09 2:01pm

Wow, you've sure had a lot to deal with all at once. It's got to be so disappointing to not have gotten those children that you were so looking forward to having. I can understand your hating the house but I would guess that even if you moved right now, you wouldn't feel much better - you'd even have the added stress of moving! If your doctor won't listen to you about your medications, try someone else. Sometimes it takes a bit of time to get the right medications and each time you try one, you have to give it a little time to see if it will work - a very tedious process, to be sure.

I've had depression most of my life and at times, have wanted to end it, but if you want to get better, I believe you will. We don't even know, really, if suicide puts an end to our misery! And the pain it would bring to the people who love you (yes, there are some, even if you don't think so right now) would never totally go away. Our moods don't stay the same, day after day, they fluctuate with what goes on in our lives. If you can get your depression under control, you will find it easier and easier to handle it; right now, your depression is doing the talking, not the real you.

I hope you can find even one thing today that eases your pain a little bit and that you will soon be able to figure out what to do about your medication. The wrong stuff can really have a negative effect, unfortunately, but we don't know that until we try it. My wish for you is that you will find the right thing very quickly and soon start feeling better. In the meantime, feel free to write here whenever you feel the need to reach out. There are a lot of caring people on this site.

depression/c/913903

8/18/09 10:02am

Hi,

I'm sorry for your losses and I know what it is like to go along with a spouse on an idea that you did not want. And that idea has caused financial and emotionally pain and stress. My story is here about that.

I've been married for 31 years and can tell you that life will get better. I've raised 5 children and lost one of them to suicide. I suffer from depression, but it came before my son's death. It did come at a later time in life after much stress that began in the beginning years of my marriage. All I can say about that is that I love my husband and family, but life is hard and there will be stumbling blocks thrown in your way. And sometimes the only way across is to just go through the mud. The mud is thick and dirty but keep looking for the other side for the smooth green grass to place your feet on...eventually you will get there, but not without going through the mud.

Help can come in a hand reaching out to you to give you strength and you don't have to carry your load alone. Although, it seems that you are alone...you are not. Keep seeking for help with your medications, talk therapy, marriage counseling, etc. Enjoy your new house, sometimes, when you have made room for blessings to come your way, they will come in the least expected ways.

You now have room to offer either to a baby, child, or just new friends and family.

Keep your heart open that same way. It is hard to have life changes, and physical changes of our bodies are very frustrating and affect our mental well being. It is an adjustment to deal with and realize that life is ever changing, whether we want it to or not. Sometimes, we just have to go with the flow.

Please let us know how things are going and I'm curious as well about what damage is done to your eye.

Ivory

Will life ever get better???

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