I've been dealing with this for going on a year. I'll be 43 this month and hate my life today. I have to explain what got me here. I was a really good saleman-outgoing & enojoyed life. My wife & I had always wanted kids. We had tried everything, but a chance came up a little over a year ago to adopt 2 kids from Central America in an orphanage. During this time we were building a home that I really did not want by my wife said she wanted a change. I finallly relented and the building started on her birthday in Feb. 08. At the time things seemed well. However, in June of that year I learned my Dad had inoperable cancer. It was salivary gland cancer & the bad part is we all tried to make him get help. Well he did not until it was really too late. We moved in Aug 08 about a year ago & we started to get ready to fly overseas for our first trip to meet the girls. It was awesome. However, upon coming back, I had something get in my left eye, I may have used really old eye drops that then started my downward spiral. I'm still not sure what happened, but my Dad was being treated at a hospital near us. I was able to visit all the time. Then the anxiety started over how I looked and felt about myself. It burned, I felt bad that I did this & it did not look good anymore. I became obssesed with looking at it,etc. It was so bad I was hospitilized for a heart attack-it was anxiety/panic attack. My GP later put me on Paxil-worst drug I've ever had-made me feel more depressed to the point of suicide. Then she up it to 50 mg by Christmas-I felt bad hated to look at myself-still do today and was placed in the hospital on New Years. What a great first year. During that time I switched sales jobs, I lost all self-confidence, avoid people, hate the home we live in because it all happened here. Almost decided to overdose or kill myself somehow, even hanging. If you met me a year ago, you would have never thought this. I don't like to speak to my neighbors, even though I do sometimes. I used to be religious & now I'm wondering why?? I lost my Dad on Father's Day and my Mom is narrssitic, so I get no support from her. My wife has been OK, but I also think had I stuck to my guns and did not move that I would be so much better off. It's only us and we have 5br/3 1/2 ba WHY???? I know we were thinking about the future, but WHY now??? On top of that the economy tanked, etc. etc...We did not get the girls, after making 2 more trips this yr. My outlook on the future is miserable. I used to talk to my Dad daily and to let you know an ex. of my Mom, she lets me talk to him because they live further away after he has died. What a mom. I don't trust my judgement anymore as I think every decision I have made has been horrible and I could not even take care of myself as my Dad was dying. Thanks for listening....
Published On: August 09, 2009