Ive been so sad for so long that I dont even remember what it feels like to be happy. Ive been on so many different pills for so many years, that I dont remember how it feels be unmedicated. Ive hurt myself so many times, for so long, that I dont remember what I used to look like. I have everything I could ever need or want and more, and yet I am empty, my heart is vacant, and my mind is an extravagant, haunting collision of silent chaos. Im overwhelmed by ever present fear and anxiety and hate for myself. It feels like this is the only life I have ever known, and I wonder, every day, if this will be my life forever. I think Ive only managed to hang on this long because I know that I am still so young, and because I have so much love for those who love me. And perhaps, deep down, I still have an ounce of hope fighting back. Because there truely is so much beauty everywhere I look, I'm just never close enough to touch it. I'm alive because I hope, that someday, I might be a part of it.
