this is all I seem able to remember

By jo Wednesday, March 05, 2008

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Ive been so sad for so long that I dont even remember what it feels like to be happy. Ive been on so many different pills for so many years, that I dont remember how it feels be unmedicated. Ive hurt myself so many times, for so long, that I dont remember what I used to look like. I have everything I could ever need or want and more, and yet I am empty, my heart is vacant, and my mind is an extravagant, haunting collision of silent chaos. Im overwhelmed by ever present fear and anxiety and hate for myself. It feels like this is the only life I have ever known, and I wonder, every day, if this will be my life forever. I think Ive only managed to hang on this long because I know that I am still so young, and because I have so much love for those who love me. And perhaps, deep down, I still have an ounce of hope fighting back. Because there truely is so much beauty everywhere I look, I'm just never close enough to touch it. I'm alive because I hope, that someday, I might be a part of it.

Comments (5) | Add comment

Kelly Bender

3/ 5/08 8:30pm

Jo, it seems as if we are both in the same boat. I feel exactly the same way you feel. . If there is anything you need to talk to me about and I do mean anything please remember I'm here.. If you have aim.. heres my name hooch041288 my myspace url is mrz_new_bootayz. If there's anything I can help you with please let me know.

3/ 6/08 10:13am

hey thanks for responding. I'm new to this whole online support network idea, but I thought I'd give it a shot because I'm just so tired of feeling alone. I know that in reality, I'm not alone, there are so many people suffering out there, but I'm sure you know what I mean. It just feels like there's nobody out there who wants to listen. If ever I talk to my friends or family, I either feel like I'm being a burden to them, or I feel like they think Im full of ****. Are your friends and family familiar with your struggles? are you able to comfortably talk to them?

spacedit

3/10/08 8:19pm

That sounds painfully familiar. I'm new to this, and I really don't know if it'll be easy to talk about it, but it's all I've got left. I haven't had this problem for very long at all...only a few months. But it sure feels like forever, and I will do whatever it takes to be happy again. Here's something that's really been bugging me...do you ever feel like it's something else ruining your life? That something's invaded your mind, because you know if it wasn't there, you'd be okay? You wouldn't do the things it's making you do?

susan

3/24/08 2:28am

Jo---hi, i do understand how you feel...many times i have to fight depression because of some of the pills that i was on....ellivil (noratriptyline) were awful for me....i struggled with thoughts about giving up, feeling hopeless, and even wanting to just sleep my life away...but like you, there was something inside deep, that kept me going, each day, at a time....i kept crying out for my doctor to change my medicine, and she was at a loss....since the pain seemed not to be controlled, unless i was out of it...what a life.....with young children, working...not possible...I had a pain specialist change some of my medicines, and had him take me off the ellivil and noratriptyline so that i would not feel like a walking zombie.....try getting your doctor to readjust your medications, especially some of the depressant ones....slowly...also try putting on some uplifting music....peaceful, and serene if you can. I lived and breathed gospel music....with headphones on...i would put it on loudly so that i could focus on good stuff instead of the pain, depression, negative thoughts etc....DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MEDICATION ON YOUR OWN....ALWAYS CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR FIRST.....HE / SHE KNOWS YOUR CASE AND YOUR MEDICATIONS.....sue p.

dave

3/27/08 9:19pm

jo,

its all new everyday. its okay not to remember. happiness is based upon how you "feel' about things going on around you. forget happiness. try to know joy. joy is an inside peaceful feeling. it has nothing to do with others. you are the beauty in your life. each day your eyes open, is simply another day. life is what happens while we are making our plans. plan to love yourself. you are beautiful . . . inside and out.

dave

this is all I seem able to remember

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