Explaining self-harm (some Christian content - but mainly general)

I had two years of self-harm from the age of 58-60, but have been free of it for two years.  I wrote this to help a friend explain things to her mother, and to share with my church leaders.  Some is from my own experience, and some from other internet friends.  The last part is really things I need to work on from a marvellous conference last weekend.

EXPLAINING SELF-HARM - WHAT IT MEANS TO ME

It is very hard to understand when a loved one, or someone we know self-harms. There are so many things commonly believed to be true about self-harm which are not, in fact, true.

The media talk of it as a problem "exclusively affecting young girls". There are a lot of adults and males who self-harm, they are just not publicised. Some are people who have been self-harming from an early age, while others, like me, start in later life.

It is often thought of as "attention-seeking" - but this is the case for very few of us. For most of us it is a secretive act - something that we want to conceal. This is why it often comes as a shock to others.

Alternatively, many think that self-harm means that we have ‘attempted suicide.' Self-harm is often a way of keeping us from suicide. We may feel we no longer wish to be alive, but have conscientious objections to taking our own life. Self-harm can sometimes ease these feelings, yet keep us safe from that final step.

"Self-harmers are just copying their friends." True, some people have friends who self-harm and may suggest that others use it as a coping mechanism, but many of us discover it on our own. Even if we have friends who use this method, we are very unlikely to ‘try it for kicks,' but may use it if we feel the need for relief from an unpleasant mental state.

"Everyone who self-harms has had a traumatic childhood or has been abused". A history of abuse may make some people dislike their bodies, and predispose them to harm themselves, but it is certainly not true for many of us. Some have experienced separation from parents at an early age, due to illness or family breakdown (in my case I had several operations for a cleft lip and palate.) For some, bullying is a contributory cause. The old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is, sadly, not true - in fact words stay with us far longer than playground punch-ups. Self-harm can then become the basis for even more self-harm and a vicious circle is created. Some just feel ‘different' and "don't fit in." When a team is chosen for games we are not wanted in the team because we are poorly-co-ordinated or overweight - we feel that we are useless and unacceptable. Perhaps our parents had some form of disability, or were natural introverts and we never learned to socialise. Relationships can then become a major problem or trigger for self-dislike.

"Christians don't self-harm!" It is surprising how many do, but they tend to be even more secretive about it, knowing that people in their churches do not understand. Depression - let alone self-harm, is regarded by some as a sign of a lack of faith, or even "demon possession." It's easy to say 'pray more', or Fully Rely On God, but the illness of depression takes away the FEELINGS that He is there, and it is hard to trust and hope when we can't see.