I have been doing intensive work on depression for the past 2 months.

Well, I managed to spot a writer on here, while I was deleting that wrote about Visual Art or poster. I can't recall her name until I switch back, to my email. She wrote about making a collage of pictures or words, and whatnot that strikes your fancy and put it on a poster board. 

Now I have done this before once as a teenager, and I believe it all came true.

Also, I have had a dream notebook around 1997 and my dreams came to pass. This was before my son died. I had received counseling before my son died and right after I've had med changes then. I had suffered from S.A.D. before when I was 19 and going to a university out of state where it snows. I grew up in California and was active in sports, especially swimming and lifeguarding. 

Anyway, I got clinical depression around 1995 or 1996. What came about the depression where I couldn't get out of bed, I was in a dark hole and really didn't care to live, but I knew my 5 children and husband needed me and suicide was never in my mind. I just had the feeling that I wouldn't mind if the Lord took me. 

At the same time I was experiencing Restless Leg Syndrome, which I'm surprised that it has taken medical science so long to name it. I would call it "dancing legs" people didn't quite understand what I was talking about. I use to take aspirin for this, but then would get worse and I had no sleep. I found that antidepressants help with it and temazepam. I was careful about the antidepressants I took as I had 5 children to keep an ear on, two of them was a 15 year old daughter and 16 1/2 son. The other 3 boys shared a bedroom right across the hall from me, and when I took Zoloft, I was too mellow. Plus I didn't like it for sexual side affects.

Anyway, I showed my husband my legs jumping all around responding to electrical impulses that would contract and release my muscles shooting currents up and down my legs. So he called the ER and they weren't sure what I was talking about and I had made an appointment to see a Dr.

When he couldn't find anything wrong with my vitals and urine, he asked me, "What is going on in your life?" I basically broke down into tears and talked about my stresses.

He asked if I had a Dr I could seek counsel with, I did, as I had worked for a Psychiatric Hospital and knew a few. Also, before this time my husband suddenly went into great pain in his head and was going into a coma. He had a brain tumor and we are blessed to have him still with us.

So went along our daily lives and the most stress was my husband's new business and my father's uninvited criticism over it.

So I don't know if I can name authors of good books on here that helped me along.

It did go by the wayside after my son's death. So this last bout of depression where I felt I didn't have any real reason to live the way I was, lonely, ignored, lack of respect, and criticism from my own adult children and DH. That is wwhat was imbearable to keep living this way with no joy, hopes for a vacation with my family or just my husband like we use to do.

I didn't have the energy or encouragement from my husband. All I had were things cluttering up my house, as I was doing things to heal my pain or distract what I was feeling. Buying up a bunch of beads, tools, books, etc. Buying fabric to sew quilts on a new sewing machine. The sewing came just before my son died and I noticed I was having the first signs of Carpal Tunner Syndrome, as it hurt to hold down the fabric for machine quilting, playing the piano, and noticed as the years went by it was gettin g worse. 

This affected working with beads, and another interest was Stained Glass Cutting and putting them on my stepping stones. It was painful to cut the glass. My concentration levels we pretty much gone, and doing any work out of the home was not an option, and I really didn't need to work. As our business is doing fine, but taking all my husband's time and energy.

So I was picked on for doing these things, not too badly. But my young adult children and husband would sabotage my efforts get things organized after an absent due to grieving. They weren't helping me, they were disrespecting me. #1 person who is suppose to watch out for my welfare, was the one instigating this by complaining to our children and just was frustrated with me. Which I believe my children would make complaints to DH.

So I trusted noone and had every reason to do so, and that is what I had to fight with after my son's death. They all just didn't have the old me. It has been a long row to hoe, with deaths following my sons. My parents died the year after, from a devastating stroke and my Dad Lymphoma, which showed up after we had buried my Mom. 

So that brings me up to now, and the past two months of intensive counseling.

The Dr. gave us things to work on such as affirmations together as a married couple to work on. And many other helpful tools. I do have a Dr I can go to after, if needs be.

So things have been coming my way as I worked on the counselor's suggestions, and he was so good at listening to me, helping to weep over my son's death and other things, that needed to come out. Then I was weeping a lot during those weeks. He is so good at his practice.

Okay, so in my search for help, I started by watching off my dogs nose goo on my frontroom's floor to ceiling windows. That started a cleaning spree and I found CD's I haven't heard for a long time, organized the outdated ones, found home for the loose ones and then the remote to the CD player! As I hadn't been using it very much.

I found my late son's CD that he would make a collection of songs that I liked also. 

He was a very sweet son, but suffered from ADHD and bullies. He was loving and had a sense of humor. He used his bike and manual labor to medicate his depression. I didn't understand the depression part of ADHD until a brochure came after his death.

Well, you asked about the poster, I just had to give a background. Along with clearing up the living room of papers saved from my computer, plants, dust, etc. I had made a list of things that need fixing or finishing, as it came to my mind. So that kept me going and as I changed from seeing the counselor and going to certain websites. This made my husband more happy and willing to do things for me. I was an angered soul, but kept it within. I had no refuge, except prayer.

While clearing up the living room and listening to the CDs I found in the clutter. It brought back making posters to help get what you want, besides affirmations and keeping negative thoughts away.

So I cut out pictures from old magazines, also words, it seems like the ads in these magazines had the best sayings for what I wanted. As I went about my day I would check out the loose papers and magazines for ideas. Some even had articles I haven't read, and I kept those to read. Ads that would come in the mail, I checked out for ideas.

I bought poster boards at the discount stores, was able to get a free fresh glue stick from my husband's office. I also have access next to my computer a laser colored printer that helped when I didn't want to cut a page out that had something good on the other side.

We have been in a service type business for the past 18 years. It has paid for our cost of living, and improvements in our home and yard. But not so wealthy to hire in help from many people. So progress is slow and frustration mounts. So this has prompted me to the dream poster as well. We also have been able to assist people get started on their dreams, and have been very disappointed by some of them that took advantage of our generosity.

We also have taken care of my brother's family and him while he suffers from Leukemia. This involved great sacrifice to our own family, our time, our money, our mental & physical energy. We physically moved them from another state. As due to his illness, he couldn't work and they lost their home. Fortunately, my brother worked at a new job to qualify for health insurance, so that has really made a difference.

He had to move where we live to get the best cancer Dr for stem cell transplants, but we found out they don't do them here. It was a choice of SLC or Seattle. SLC was closer to us and we have relatives there. So we have helped them for 1 1/2 years.

And I learned so much from this experience, one thing was to be careful of spreading myself too thin. 

So I basically have a picture of lady surrounded by healthy ways of living incartoon form. It is perfect for my health goals, I have a picture of money, such as a wallet stuffed with money, ads that include $100,000.00 bill and one with Jackson on a twenty dollar bill saying, "Turbo Tax can help you turn your bag of old clothes into new money." I plan on changing tax into faith, so it reads...Turbo Faith can help..

I have pics of a family, hearts, ponds, oceans, scuba diving, sandy beaches, faith promoting, good food to eat and cook, and more, they are not glued down yet, and I might have to have two posters. Yes, they are meant for the future.

So I think this might cover what was asked and more! Such as a life history. ;o)

Ivory, thank you for the explanation - and all the rest of it, too.  It sounds like life has not been too easy.  Wouldn't it be nice to be able to hand it all over to somebody for a day and say "Here, you take this for a while!"  I am so sorry about your son.  I nearly lost my oldest to suicide back in 1997, found him just in time, and even that is hard to forget.  That must be the worst grief there is.  I'm glad things are slowly getting better.  You sound hopeful, and that's good.  I know it's hard sometimes to make yourself keep going, so take whatever help you can get.  I hope you keep writing here.  Thanks again.

I'm sorry about your son, too. Yes, you are lucky to have found him in time. And yes, I think it is the worst way of losing a child. Except for children that have been battered and molested.

Sometimes suicide is a sign for help, my son had been talking about taking his own life a few weeks prior to it.  He also had told me a year prior that he didn't want to live I took him to a Psych Dr, and he prescribed Adderall. He didn't want to take and didn't for 7 months prior to his death.  I wasn't too impressed by this Dr either. 

He felt he was a burden to us and he tries to change, but finds it difficult. This is what is so hard about losing a child to suicide is not being able to talk to them after. He did have his problems everysince he was a baby. He didn't process language very well, and school was difficult for him. He was born inbetween 2 brothers, that always scored in the 99% in state tests. And he was at the bottom. he didn't speak, so when he was 3 I had him tested and the tester said that he did need some help. Where the previous son didn't talk either, but that is probably because I knew what he wanted and he would just point. The tester for him said that he will speak when he is ready and for our family to not be so obliging. 

My son had many opportunities for death to come his way. Due to his ADHD, he was impulsive and comprehending all that was being said to him. He loved the outdoors and adventure. There were times the Lord just blessed him and watched over him, and when the time came for him to make a choice, he was free to do so. And the reasons could have been fixed, but 15 1/2 year olds are very impulsive and can't see pass what is going on right in front of him to hope for a new day.   

I do miss him very much, but have faith that I will see him again. There is a hole in our family, he was the most friendliest kid and helpful to anyone that needed help on the road or in need of getting their bike fixed. He also could have worked in our business.

He was very thoughtful and kind, and was frustrating at the same time. A lot of it came from what he was born with, he was a round peg in a square world. 

I feel he is happier where he is now, and he wasn't in his right mind. I believe in suicide prevention, but many people that want to take their own lives will do everything they can to do so. And the survivors are left wondering what did we do wrong? What did we miss? It is very hard for the parent to forgive themselves, we cannot be around our loved ones constantly. There is a time in their life that they will make wrong decisions.

All I know is that boy got a lot of attention from me, round table discussions almost every year at his schools. He did well when he started going to the chartered schools. 

It was the regular high schools that were not kind.  He just didn't fit in.

Hi,

Thank you for the kind words and well wishes. When I get done with the poster, I'll post it if I can. I'm not quite there with digital cameras and things like that as my last child is a computer geek, and has graduated from high school so he helps me when he has time or makes time. I have two computer geeks or whiz kids that have been very helpful while still at home. I don't know where we will be when the last son leaves home. He went to a high school specific to students like him and their talent in  technology.  

P.S. I have been on the computer for about 3 hours now, weeds are not going to get pulled or eliminated today.