I am back from my short respite.  I wanted to address the reason why I deleted my previous posts.  For 2-3 days I had a mammoth panic attack that tromped all over reason and self-control and resulted in paranoia.  So I did what I did as a child when this happened: smashed the things that I had made with my own brain and my own two hands so that only my ugliness was apparent.  Ugliness in the form of a tantrum.  So, my posts are gone.  I'm sorry.  I smashed the efforts of others in the process.

Merely Me's post about living in the present rang true.  I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to forget the past, including trying to decimate it.  But the past is only my memories, from my particular point of view.  Often, if I slow down to think of what someone else's point of view might of been, I see how we can all have a million different interpretations.  Still, my memories are as valid as anyone else's.  And it's not like I can get rid of them or even change them.  But I do own them.  And as the owner, I want to tuck them safely away now where they belong (in the past) and hope to keep them from spilling out again into the present (and future.) 

It certainly requires awareness of the Now to move away from the Then.  And it is definitely a matter of practicing this awareness every day.  The worst time is when I lay my head down on the pillow at night and my mind creeps back to bad memories.  Sometimes they keep me awake for 2-3 hours.  I start thinking, "Do I need to go back into therapy?"  But eventually, sleep turns off the memories and I wake up in the morning with a new Now in which to live.  I'm so glad that's true.

Donna