One of the most difficult challenges for me is to be flexible and be willing to change my routine.  I would really like for everything to be the same every day.  Maybe because then I would feel the foundation was firm beneath me and not about to crumble again.  There was a time that, in order to avoid stress, I actually had a chart of when I would do what each day.  And the days I stuck to that chart were the days I felt safer.  Something like "another day neatly tucked away -- a place for everything and everything in its place."  Even though I can honestly admit my life did not seem to have its own place in the world.  Outcast.  Pariah.  A nobody.  But as long I had that routine prepared and could check everything off by day's end, I could breathe a sigh of relief.

This meant that I almost never attended family holiday parties, birthdays, weddings, picnics, camp-outs and reunions.  I dreaded them all and just thinking about being expected to go gave me high anxiety.  Sometimes it seemed reasonable to me to choose death instead.  But that's a little over the top, isn't it?  No, not really.  My sense of perspective was REALLY twisted!

I was able to seriously stick to my routine (to avoid stress) once I stopped working.  When I lived for years with Mom and Dad.  Then when it was necessary to step outside my restrictive boundaries and move beyond my own crippling anxiety, it was hard not to numb myself with the comfort of eating (and eating) or cut myself to relieve the pain or simply retreat to my bed.  For example, I had to help care for my dying father and then nurse my mother through her grief.

But gradually, as circumstance demanded my attention, I did learn to participate in life in a more realistic way.  How did I do that?

You must learn to differentiate between what really needs to be done willingly, and when perfunctory, mechanical compliance is okay, and also when it is your right to say, "No."  Say no to everything that doesn't matter, like driving 2 hours to see your brother's new house.  That can wait till you feel like it.  Give a little and go to a church potluck dinner -- you can leave whenever you feel like it.  Sit by the door for an easy getaway.  Say no to an 8am dentist appt if you would rather sleep till noon.  Then when family is in the hospital, or your best friend needs a listening ear, go with your whole heart.  Learn to give a little, and receive a little.  It goes both ways.

For me, being able to change my routine for a few hours or a day has become easier.  Like getting together with someone for lunch when I hadn't planned to.  Or washing my clothes and Mom's when it is convenient for her.  I still definitely cannot, under any circumstances, go on any trips that require much social interaction.  Like my church group often goes out of town by bus, taking day trips and week-long trips.  And cruises.  No way I can do that.  But I am more comfortable with saying, "Yes" and building up tolerance for groups of three or more.  You DO build up tolerance.  But you only do it with effort.

Donna