at the risk of sounding codependent...

By Donna-1 Saturday, May 14, 2011

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When I went to my therapist's Tuesday, for the first time in 2 years, she took me to task for being so co-dependent. And she explained all about codependency. Now, I am up for just about any diagnosis from anyone -- just look at my confusing psychiatric history! But I could see some truth in what she was saying. At first, it felt like a slap in the face. She said I have a great propensity for sticking my nose in other people's business and should stop it. (I actually decided to go back to her because I was getting tired of placating and mediating between family members and dealing with the problems of friends.) What? I was trying to help them. I was trying to solve all my mother's problems -- physical, mental, relational, spiritual -- and trying to figure out how to get my sister away from her boyfriend, while negotiating "space" between my sister-in-law and other relatives. I was trying to tend to my bipolar friend's moods -- trying to make her feel better despite continued reluctance on her part. I was writing my brother trying to get him to understand how Mother feels about being ignored. And so on.

But what I was doing, really, was trying to calm myself and make myself safe by making sure everyone else was safe. I had lost my personal boundaries. This is why I was concerned about the "necessity" of dealing with the whole mess of personalities/problems. I felt like it was my place, my calling, my reason for being on this earth.

However, what have I been doing to myself? I haven't really had a life of my own. I have merged myself with everyone else and have been soothing my anxieties (as well as feeding other anxieties) by trying to control other people's responses to life. A kind of quid pro quo -- an unwritten and unspoken pact that I will do this for you and you will do that for me. Only I was doing the doing and not getting my own needs met. I think this is why my anguished posts about having to take care of Mother, how to help my bipolar friend, trying to get my brother and sister to help more. Maybe that is all their business and not mine.

But in the days since Tuesday, I have actually felt a heightened sense of anxiety when trying to back off of my efforts to help. I see that if I asked any of these people if they wanted me to solve their problems, they would give me a resounding "no." So why do I feel responsible for them? Do I expect them to feel responsible for me, too? Maybe so.

And I mean, there is such a thing as compassion for others and wanting to help them when they need and want it. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about sacrificing my own peace of mind in order to be able to control the outcomes of what everyone else says and does. I have felt this need since I was a young child. Why haven't I seen it before? I need to learn how to give myself approval for who and what I am rather than constantly expecting that from others.

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Debrinconcita

5/14/11 12:17pm

People used to always ask me for help constantly, I finally decided how on earth will I ever fix my problems if I am alway's continously helping others. SO, I have finally decided to start saying NO, boy did this anger alot of people. BUT, it's my health & welfare of my family that I need to keep NO.1. That's why I can't HELP them until I take care of my problems I have in my life.

Marishka

5/14/11 2:09pm

Boy I relate to this Donna.

My dad and I and my whole family is 'codependent' I guess. I don't know, is there healthy codependency? or interdependency, what about tribes in Africa? Or Native American reservations.

Each does a part to help the whole community. It is confusing. My mind is so tired. I feel a need to make sure each member in my family is ok spiritually, emotionally because this seems what my gifts are, what comes most easily for me and because I love them very much. I felt this as a young child too.

For some reason, I feel the ones that have the gifts that make more money (translates into food and shelter nowadays) in the world have the responsibility to help the others who do not have this gift or who's gifts are other. Like before, women gathered berries, men hunted. It is confusing. We had the industrial revolution, self help movement, and women rights movement and all changed.

I don't know really. I would like each person to help in the ways that they are gifted so that each person is doing what feels most right for them, and has what they need. Like in a tribe. Or a well healthy family.

It is very hard to understand for me. But here we are and all expected to do all for ourselves- work, get money, buy food, cook our food, do our own laundry, shopping, driving, spiritual work, emotional work, physical work.

They don't do that on Star Trek. They have Data for one thing, the Counselor, Spock, all sorts of people with one role keeping people and the ship going.

Native American tribes had the healers, the hunters, the gatherers, the elders, the council, this and that. All not doing everything for themselves.

It is rather unusual really that now we are expected to do all things ourselves and if we don't, we are considered old fashioned, not modern, not superpeople, not independent.

I am just typing my thoughts when my mind is so jumbled right now after writing a 'codependent' email to my father about my need for his helping me financially and all the while I know I am trying to put into the email what I think will help him emotionally and spiritually. I just realized this in writing this Donna, more clearly than usual.

thanks for the post,

I am confused too.

Marishka

Donna-1

5/14/11 3:42pm

Yes, it is confusing trying to sort it all out and decide what is "okay" according to ME and what I have merely accepted as being "okay" according to OTHER people. I do believe I have responsibility in this world for doing what I can to help others, but not to the point where I get so totally enmeshed that I'm trying to help others when they don't even want my help. And I do understand what you are saying about societal pressures to be independent. They used to say it takes a whole village to raise a child. Now, children are left to practically raise themselves. I was raised in a very religiously rigid family, all bound by rules and regulations -- you do this and not that if you want to be righteous. So I think I have rigidly bound myself by many of those same rules, often to the exclusion of just taking time to enjoy life.

Kyle

5/15/11 3:08am

I have this same thought. Like I was put here on this earth to help people. After all that I've been through it's in my nature. I have problems with it, though. After all is said and done and the help has been delivered there's nothing left. But I realize that I need help. And nobody can give it to me except me. I expect the favor to be returned but nobody has the will or, in some cases, the ability to do so.

So I'm left drained. Nothing left of me. It hurts a lot.

Since then I've stopped helping so many people. It's ME time. I've spent my whole life thinking of others so I forgot myself. And I received nothing in return. After awhile a thank you is nothing but words. You can read people this way. Just like I love you. Just words now.

I still help. Just nowhere near as often. I used to actually seek problems to solve. Now, though. After realizing my problems will not be solved by anyone else as they never have. It's my time. It's my life. Nobody ever gave me anything I couldn't sell. I need something permanent that I can't get rid of. I need happiness. Some reason to carry on.

Never thought of myself as selfish. But is it really selfish? And can this same selfishness be applied to those who need help of their own?

Makes me no different from them I suppose. It's still confusing though.

Judy

5/15/11 1:39pm

Hi, Donna - this is really a hard one, I've been dealing with it all my life and still haven't gotten "comfortable" setting boundaries. I feel like I need to have a good excuse of some kind to not do something somebody wants, even if it's just because I don't feel like it.

I've been able to do this a little bit, in small ways, with a few friends but when it comes to family, it's very tough. It's almost like getting put into some hypnotic trance where I will, of course, say yes to everything anybody wants. It's the worst with my parents.

One thing I try to think more about is the possibility that my always being willing to take care of things is actually preventing the person from learning to be responsible for themselves, and I guess this is particularly true for my sons. For example, I'm babysitting my grandson one day a week now to help with the cost of daycare and then my daughter-in-law wanted to know if we could contribute, besides, to his daycare fees. I had to draw the line there - when are they going to learn that just because you want the best for your kid, it doesn't mean you have to have it or should do it if you can't afford it? Why can you have a $100 cell phone bill but can't afford care for your child? I know us Baby Boomers probably are guilty of having spoiled our kids to some degree because when we were growing up, we didn't have much or maybe we had abusive parents so now we want to spare our own children from dealing with that. But there's always something life throws us and learning how to take care of ourselves can actually ease a lot of anxiety.

Sorry to go on and on, but I know what you're dealing with and that it's very, very hard. Sounds like it was a good thing you went back to your therapist!

Donna-1

5/15/11 2:35pm

Judy, this reminds me of a situation I was in just this morning. A young woman (alone and with a coke in one hand and cigarette in the other) approached me in the apartment parking lot and said, "My young son and I just ran out of gas down the road and I need $4 or $5 to buy some gas." Well, for one thing she didn't have her "young" son with her. Did she leave him in the car? A second thing is, if she has the money for a coke and cigarettes do I really need to give her gas money? And the answer, of course, was no. I told her sorry, but I can't help you. And I drove off. I'm learning. (You have to start somewhere, right? Why not start with strangers?)

LyraStorm

5/17/11 3:14am

Hi Donna,

I think it is normal to feel anxious when trying to step away from what you've been doing. It is like any change - we are all creatures of habit, really, and so it disorientates and upsets us to step away from the norm. Even if we realise it isn't what we perhaps should be doing.

I understand that desire to help others. I got told once that I have to stop trying to come up with solutions to everyone's problems - that sometimes just listening is help enough. There aren't always answers and it is useless to run yourself raggad trying to think up ones (and can be annoying to the person you're trying to help anway). This is a bit different to your dilemma... but I feel I understand it because it felt strange to have to change the way I go about things, and like I wasn't being as 'good' a person if I wasn't trying to fix everyone else's problems.

And as for the tit-for-tat thing, the quid pro quo, I've been hurt when that doesn't play out too. A rather sad example of that was my birthday - I had gone to other people's parties, even though that is tough for me, so thought they should come to mine too. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't feel particularly fair that it doesn't work that way, but reality is reality. We only have control over ourselves and thus cannot really have expectations from others and most certainly should not do something for another if it is mainly in the hopes they will respond in kind. If the deed itself is not enough, then do not do the deed... if that makes sense.

Though in your case I feel you're constantly doing things for others to the point where it is too much so even if doing the deed itself makes you feel a bit better I do think you would be wise to keep with trying to change those patterns for the reasons you yourself stated, and push through the anxiety stage. It will pass.

Merely Me, Health Guide

5/17/11 7:27pm

Hi Donna

Good to hear from you.

I am pondering this...what made the therapist say this to you? And how did you feel about it? Do you feel it is an accurate assessment? I am wary of all these words and labels we use so frequently. When I think of codependency in a negative connotation I think of drug abusers...one person is using drugs or alcohol and maybe has a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse who is enabling the person...perpetuating the addiction. I see it as someone who is reinforcing bad behavior. I don't see caring for your mom or feeling compassionate towards others as something...psychologically adverse.

I guess I would want more information from the therapist about which situations are...considered harmful to you psychologically and which situations are simply...you being you....trying to help people because you care and want to.

Ya know?

I think where it becomes a problem is when you feel overburdoned and stressed because of other people's issues or challenges. You do have to separate yourself somewhat in order to have your own life and to maintain some peace of mind. Your shoulders are only so big and you can't solve the world's problems. So I see it as a matter of balance.

This is a very interesting topic and I glad you brought it up. Maybe we should delve into this more with a post. I am sure a lot of people can relate to...wondering where the boundaries are as far as helping or enabling. I think it is really hard to tell sometimes.

Thanks so much for sharing.

Donna-1

5/17/11 7:54pm

I think what was shocking about my therapist's words was when she pointed out I share some of my mother's less admirable traits...and I had never seen that before. And she was exactly right. I probably adopted and adapted to these traits because it was easier and "safer" than establishing my own boundaries and demanding to be my own person. As for co-dependency, I don't act like a 52-year-old around my mother. (Do any of us act our age with our parents?) I let her comment on my weight, my clothes, my lack of makeup, my choice of friends, how I spend my time, the fact that I do not socialize much, and so on, and I never defend myself. I just feel bad that I do not meet her expectations. I never fully emotionally separated from my parents when I left home. I remained dependent on their views and their approval. It may be time to change. I want to change. Because I want to grow. And I'm not speaking psycho-babble. I do want changes in my life. I want to stop turning my anger inward. I want to feel free to express my opinions. In short, I want to become a "real" person instead of someone else's parrot or simply their "second chance" to become what they never were. Yes, I intend to keep helping my mother and loving her. Some changes just need to be made and it's time.

Merely Me, Health Guide

5/17/11 8:22pm

Hi again

What is so great about you is that you are always wanting to grow and move towards wellness. We are never too old to change. I totally can relate to...feeling like a child with mom...I went to vist my mother just last week and I still don't know how to be. I feel all of ten years old again. That was strange because I was also with my sixteen year old son.

You have to pick and choose your battles. Is it worth it to get into it with mom about her views? Or is it more sanity saving to let her say what she says but realize that she is wrong or inaccurate about some things? And I think you do know that you don't need her approval at this stage of life...you just want to love her and be loved. Love is the best approval you can get.

The important thing is...do you approve of yourself? Do you feel good about you despite what others might say? This is something we all struggle with...I know I do.

I think you are way more healthy than you give yourself credit for. We are all works in progress. Don't beat yourself up.

I am very interested to hear about how you wish to grow and where this journey takes you. Keep talking to us.

Donna-1

6/ 4/11 9:45pm

Paul Harvey would turn over in his grave (is he dead?) because for me, there is no "rest of the story." Not yet. I am hoping for some great ending, and not that I want an ending right now. Not that. Just some resolution, I guess.

I discovered something horrible today. I have some of my father in me. Maybe this is one of the things I have been trying NOT to see. I hated him for never being around. Oh sure, he was there physically...unfortunately for me, I thought. He was just in a haze of prescription drugs or pulling his hair out literally because of rebound migraines from when he tried to do without the drugs. I don't know how many times we took him to the hospital for morphine or demerol shots to deal with these headaches. They were the bane of my existence. If he couldn't get prescription pain killers, he took handfuls of Excedrin, naproxen, ibuprophen, Bayer aspirin, etc. No wonder my sister drank herself to death and my brother became bulimic at age 11. No wonder my other sister married an alcoholic. My mother usually just stood to one side and told us to stay out of the way. We learned to imitate our parents. I married a man who was totally emotionally unavailable, too, although it took me years to realize why.

Anyway, back to the "revelation." You know what I have been doing the last 13 years? I have been laid waste by prescription meds, just like my dad used to be. I have lived in a Zyprexa zombie-haze punctuated by sleeping and eating binges. My dad used to spend every evening in a drug cocoon, half asleep in front of the TV. That's what I've been doing. Medicating myself because yes, I need something to stop the depression and psychosis. Medicated by a professional psychiatrist, no less. Maybe that's the same reason my dad medicated himself. And don't tell me that schizophrenics have to have their meds, because I know that there is definitely some truth to that. I would be on the street totally out of my head without them. But I think I have also used the convenient excuse of medication and depression and schizophrenia and whatever other diagnosis I could come up with in order to cocoon me away from reality. And I developed numbing depression as early as age 8 and continued it for most of my life.

Do I need the medications? Do I need therapy? Do I need to find a way to deal with childhood trauma w/o becoming an enabler, an imitator, w/o becoming a med-head who uses the meds to avoid life like I learned how to avoid a violent and unavailable father? The first thing I do when I am anxious is to reach for a Klonopin like my father reached for his demerol or Vicodin. The first thing I do when I feel weird is to go to the doctor who I know will increase my antipsychotic (with disastrous effect on my social life). Then I can sit back in front of the TV like dear old dad and blame it on "something I have no control over." Just how much control do I have? Should I make the effort to exercise instead of taking an anti-anxiety med? Sometimes I do. Should I try to wean myself off of the meds using infinitesimal titrations? Should I go back to this therapist who called me to task for my shortcomings?

I don't know. Just ruminating. Maybe that's what I need to stop.

at the risk of sounding codependent...

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