do we accept responsibility for our illness

By Donna-1 Wednesday, May 18, 2011

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Well, what is the alternative? Abdication of the throne of self-knowledge? I'm not saying we are responsible for the initial traumatizing event, whatever that might be, or for the fuzziness of diagnoses. There may not BE that initial event. There may not be a diagnosis with which you agree. I'm saying once that event horizon or diagnostic state has been established, where do we go? Are we responsible for what happens THEN? I am of age. More age than I'd like to admit. I have the financial means to undergo therapy and other treatment options like medication. I have transportation to reach just about any destination. But what if that destination is Peace of Mind? What if it is Freedom from Distress? Just how am I supposed to get there while maintaining a Normal Life and Normal Relationships?

Therapy tears me apart but I feel I must go. Medication often leaves me feeling washed out and worn out and used up, but I feel I must take it. I'm trying, damn it. Trying to reach that Elusive State of Recovery and stay there. There are many means of getting there I suppose, and I'm willing to try most. Hospitalization, ECT, DBS (deep brain stimulation), research studies, family arguments, stigma, fear, anxiety, a Higher Power. I say bring it on. I want to reach my goal and stay there, but sometimes that seems impossible. Maybe two steps forward and one back. And who knows when they are traveling in the right direction at the right speed? I feel like I am just treading water at times, but I have to stick in there and work a little harder. Recovery will be worth it, I know.

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Merely Me, Health Guide

5/18/11 6:26pm

Hi Donna

Yes I think we are ultimately responsible...for what we do with what we are given. I think though, it is okay to slow down at times, and just rest. I think until the day we die...perhaps even after...who knows what happens next....we are works in progress. We are constantly being shaped and molded by our environment, biology, and the aging process. Even when we are standing still...we are not standing still...we are constantly evolving.

Would it help to write down your goals and share them here? What does recovery mean for you? What steps do you think it will take to get there?

I think for me...I have come to the conclusion that I wish for peace of mind more than even happiness. For me...peace of mind is happiness. It is a freedom from angst. Sometimes I am at my happiest when I forget my goals and where I think I should be...and just...be.

You are a remarkable and strong woman. I believe you will achieve whatever you set your mind to. As always...your posts make me think and reflect and I thank you for that.

Donna-1

5/18/11 6:36pm

I firmlly believe in keeping up the fight, no matter the odds. Because I know what is in store if I don't -- more depression, suicidal ideas, self-doubt, distress, and days lying in bed trying NOT to think. Lately I have been doing a lot of that, which is why I tried therapy again. Some day doctors will understand how to break that forever-cycle of depression. I hope it is soon.

My goals?

to have a few really good friends

to have 90% good days (I can settle for that)

to resolve issues with my mother in a satisfactory way

to be able to be at ease with family

to be at peace with God

to be satisfied with the way things are going most of the time

to find a way to do w/o meds (it is a love/hate relationship)

to be productive in some way every day

to keep from having any more severe depressive episodes

Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Merely Me, Health Guide

5/18/11 6:49pm

These are great goals...which one is the top priority do you think?

You sound very motivated and poised for action...go for it!

Judy

5/19/11 10:42am

Hi, Donna. There are days when having to take responsibility for healing feels like the most unfair thing I've ever had to do. I do believe that a lot, if not most, mental illnesses like depression have their origins in childhood trauma, which we didn't ask for. And then the real ironic thing is, if we DO realize we need help and get it, we have to suffer from the stigma associated with it because so many people are ignorant and, God knows, the family that caused it sure doesn't want to acknowledge that there could have been anything wrong with how we were raised. We take on their shame because they never had to suffer the consequences of their actions, so we do it, instead. It makes sense, in one way, but it's harmful to us to keep operating that way as adults. Not everyone who suffers a trauma ends up with a mental illness, and that's where I think genetics come in - but that's not our fault, either.

Like you said, sometimes we have no choice - it's either help ourselves heal or go under. And thank God there are people out there who can help, we don't have to be alone.

Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, you have such a gift way of expressing yourself and putting things into words that which maybe some of us aren't able to do so well. I hope the therapy goes well and will help you get where you want to be. From what I know of you, I have little doubt that you WILL get there.

Donna-1

5/19/11 12:48pm

Some people say, "Oh you seem like you are on top of things and doing well." But the scary thing is, all of us are just a day away from depression's possible return and we have to face that at some level. And some folks might say that is a negative way of looking at it. If it is, so be it. But I have to be constantly and consistently aware of my moods and any signal that they might change so I can stay at my current level of recovery. Sometimes, of course, I give in to the moods and feel down, who doesn't? But I think most people don't realize what a struggle it is every day. Maybe some day my "doing well" and "being in remission" will turn into "cured," but I doubt it. Meanwhile, I am committed to doing the best I can at all times.

Marishka

5/19/11 2:16pm

Hi Donna,

I hear frustration in your post. Me too, I feel frustration. Often times I believe if I can just go traveling and be around other cultures and healing practices, I would heal in one week or so without effort, what I keep trying to heal with so much effort.

Why do I think this? I don't know. Traveling did help me a lot. A great deal. More than I realized. And I do think it would again.

We have healing practices limited to our Western culture. And that often times is medication and talk therapy. Sometimes other cultural healing practices are incorporated. But it is so limited by Western societal practices and beliefs.

In most cultures, there is no DSM, diagnostic statistical manual!!!!!!! Many ? or Most ? cultures there is no such thing as bipolar, schizophrenic, or the other labels we have here!!!!!!!!

This blows my mind sometimes. There is no word for the things we have words for here. Labels. Diagnoses.

It is all made up by someone! Completely different perspectives exist!!. And I do believe that changing one's perspective is a large part of feeling better.

Right now, I do not want to travel (I don't think) to some far away place. However I am starting to read about different cultures again and different perspectives.

They don't have Prozac, maybe no word for depression, or even no existence of certain things in other countries. I think Costa Rica still does not have an army!!Countries are so different and their approaches to life.

Or they may perhaps call people labeled with schizophrenia in this country, healers or psychics, medicine men or women or curanderos in other cultures and they are revered. People that have special healing powers and capacities and connection to the divine that we in this culture, perhaps put a label on with some horribly negative connotation, medicate and not understand or appreciate.

I read about a study in China, kids valued the introverted, quiet kids most, and they were the most popular. In the US, the opposite was true.

My mind is going global, it is time for me to come back to here and now, but the other is also real.

Marishka

5/19/11 2:18pm

Hi again Donna,

I wanted to write about meditation, but I got carried away. Thus, my need to meditate:) I do think meditation is a good healing method. I am going to go to the desert today and run and meditate. Does it help you?

Marishka

do we accept responsibility for our illness

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