many thanks

By Donna-1 Tuesday, June 14, 2011

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Many thanks to those out there who always give more than they receive, who are are always willing to listen and respond, who put their own concerns aside to help others. Depression, even w/o being bipolar, is often and up-and-down proposition. You go along okay then suddenly fall through that trapdoor into the darkness. We all know what that's like.

It is so nice to have the oasis spot -- shade, cool water, green in the midst of sand and desert -- here at this site. And I know that whenever that door opens up in the floor and swallows me up that I can come here for support.

I was thinking this morning that this is why so many "normal" people have problems understanding the nature of persistent depression: it keeps coming back for more. Most everyone has felt grief over losses, but when there is no loss and the grief keeps coming, they have no frame of reference. It is the true dark nature of the beast. I'm looking forward to new advances in the field of psychiatry/psychopharmacology/biology that will lead us into an era of enlightenment about mental illnesses. Psychiatry is still in its infancy. Much of the time, our doctors are actually ill-equipped as far as knowing which direction to turn next. Medical school and even psychiatric residency programs do little to prepare them for the human suffering they experience on a massive scale. Maybe I will cut my pdoc a littls slack!

Comments (3) | Add comment

aml0017

6/14/11 9:25am

Donna, I totally agree with you. Only others who deal with d/a can truly understand what we go through. It is bad enough to feel depressed today, but to know that you will probably also feel depressed tomorrow, and the next day, and the next....that is truly depressing. It does make one feel better to know that someone else KNOWS what you are going through.

Even when I go to a doctor or therapist, who is educated on every mood disorder and medication etc, I always think in the back of my mind that this person just doesn't really understand, not really.

As it is, I always feel like a fraud somehow when I talk about my depression (not here of course) because I know it seems like I am fine on the outside. There are really no words to describe that dark pit in your chest, that feeling of just pure self-hatred. On this site, you don't have to have the words, that is the best part.

Merely Me, Health Guide

6/14/11 7:34pm

Hey Donna

Depression is a mysterious beast isn't it? It is very difficult to explain to folk who have never experienced it. But yes...we get it...fortunately...or unfortunately as the case may be. I can say from my personal experience that...it grows so tiresome to always have to be in battle with a mood. All of us would be well if all it took was effort. You begin to feel like Sisyphus...rolling that boulder up the hill only to have it come down...roll it back up...it comes back down...into infinity. You want to scream out to the universe, "Give me a break already!"

Donna...you have always given so much here to everyone...I am so glad that you feel comfortable allowing yourself to reach out when you need it. We might not always know the right thing to say...I know I don't...but know that we do care.

How are things today? Are you feeling any better?

Donna-1

6/14/11 8:13pm

Thank you, yes, human touch. I don't get that from anyone but Mom and from her, it feels needy. I cleaned house for her today but talked to her about paying someone to come in and clean for her every other week. She said it sounded like a good idea. Then I took her to the bank, grocery store, and lab to get some blood drawn. Then she took me to lunch. I went home, then my brother came and got the dog about 3 hrs earlier than we had planned...which was great. I love the little thing but it is responsibility, and right now I just have too much of that. My therapist called today and said my insurance is refusing to pay for my 2 sessions and she left it to me to resolve...but then she called me back later and said it was happening to other clients who have the same insurance I do so she would work it out herself. That was a relief. I didn't want the money I earned dog-sitting ($350) to go for therapy! I bought a new area rug (6'x9') for my living room. I have been wanting one for so long and got a good buy online.

It has been a mixed day mood-wise but I just did interval training for 30 minutes and really worked up a sweat then jumped in the shower and got out and sat in front of a fan. Nice. Exercise does help, doesn't it. And I made up a list of what I thought I HAD to do and cut out all but one thing left this week which is washing and ironing the laundry tomorrow. Not too bad. I can handle that because it is solitary and can do it w/o much thought or effort.

I'm wondering what life will be like once my mother is gone. My therapist wants me to consider the question and come up with some answers but I'm going to put that off for a couple of weeks till I'm feeling better. No need to stir up an emotional hornet's nest when I'm already down. But yes, I am feeling a little better. Lighten the stress, lighten the depression -- works for me. I'm excited the dog is gone because now I can take off my bra and put on my pajamas mid-afternoon and not have to get dressed again till the next morning. Besides, it is 101 degrees outside today. (I did my interval training on a treadmill inside!)

many thanks

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