Because I got too drunk one night after I promised I wouldn't.
Because I wanted to smoke a cigarette after we had a fight and I felt anxious.
Because after I was raped I wanted to injure myself.
Because I want to get a pet even though I don't have a place to keep it...
meanwhile I don't even have a home myself.
Forever a guest...nomadic...I just want a friend who will always be there, supportive.
and won't judge me like he does.
Hi "E"
I had been thinking about you and especially since the My Depression Connection chat. I am wondering if you ever called any of the hotlines? If so...did they help?
When you are feeling depressed it is possible to become very sensitive to what people say. But in this case, from what you have described, do you think that maybe your boyfriend does care about you? Judging is when someone tells you that you are worthless or a bad person, etc. But telling you that some of your behaviors may be self destructive is...simply stating an observation. I am guessing that he is very worried about you.
I do think that you want to feel better. I think you want care and support. But in order to get achieve these things...you have to recognize when people are trying to help and to also accept their help.
What other supports do you have E?
Please let us know how things go for you. Remember that we do care and wish the best for you.
I'm sure he cares, it just sounds judgmental when he says things like that. I never called a hotline, but I did speak to my therapist, which helps a little. I also told my cousin and she was supportive but I'm still scared of telling my parents.
I just wish I didn't have to deal with any of this stuff. Anything. Like, responsibility, career, problems. I'm so over it, so sick of it all.
Hi again E - I'm glad youve got somewhere to stay, it doesnt sound that healthy mental wise, for your health though. If you dont feel comfortable somewhere, thats an extra strain you can do without. Regarding the Assault - Thats left a huge feeling of an unsafe world. We can lash out afterwards, deny feelings of fear, loathing, self loathing,Depression, sometimes after that happens we would just do anything not to feel - I write from experience. Are you /have you gotten proper counselling for this alone ? We all feel the same here online, Im pretty sick of being Depressed, having no job etc., Im probably lots older than you so pain is pain regardless of sex, class, job,colour,creed, its a respector of nobody and we all suffer online. There are many who can help you online but why not share how youre feeling inside? Lonely ? isolated?
E...what do you fear would happen if you talked to your parents about it?
I had given you some resources when we had talked last...I was hoping maybe you would try to call one. But talking to your therapist is a really good idea...I am glad that you do have someone there to talk to who can help.
Responsibility? Yeah...we all end up having to be responsible for our lives. It is hard and sometimes we need a break from it all but life keeps coming at you. I do believe that from responsibility comes...self esteem.
But the other thing you have to know is that it is more than okay to lean upon others and get help so that you can move forward with your life.
I do hope things improve for you. Keep us updated on how you are doing.
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Hi and Welcome, Firstly, you never mentioned Depression, are you suffering badly at the moment? I'd say to you as a fellow sufferer, dont bring people and issues into it. As in, your Recovery and a better life, has to do with YOU. Being kind and having respect for yourself. That may, or maynot in the future, mean losing your partner/boyfriend when your self-esteem goes up.
I understand drinking to dull pain, I did it for years, but its no friend to Depression and adds to the problem. Are you taking anti-depressants or seeing anyone about the Depression? Ive also been sleeping on other peoples couches too , so do know the feeling of being homeless.
~ Getting a Puppy or Kitten may seem like a quick fix, something that will love you but the reality is, wait until you have a permanent place to live as its not fair on the poor animal, wait till you get a little apartment and then you can go to a shelter and get one that needs love and that will love you back. In the future you may be working so think HARD before getting an animal.
I think youve got to ask yourself why am I abusing myself by getting drunk? smoking ditto. Sounds to me like you are all over the place right now and need to close in on one aspect of your life. The most important to me would be to get somewhere to stay. A hostel, a shelter, until you have that basic need, you ll have no safe base from which to go and get help for yourself.
Im writing this out of caring by the way !! You need to be around supportive people. That could be Counsellor/Group therapy or people trying to straighten out their lives. Best of luck
I do have depression. I've been on Lexapro for about 6 months, and seeing a therapist for the same amount of time. Things were getting better but after the assault I started doubting life again. My feelings are just like - I'm so sick of all the shittyness and it's way too hard to turn everything around. I'd rather just be depressed. Alone (or with my bf) lazing around doing whatever I feel like whenever I feel like...like my vices. So maybe they are unhealthy, but plenty of people do unhealthy things, so...why do I have to change?
As for the living situation, I have a room at my parent's house if I want to go there, but I mostly sleep at my boyfriend's house. Even though we've been together for two years and I've been sleeping at his house quite often since the beginning, I still feel uncomfortable around his parents, like they tolerate me but don't quite like me. Especially his dad, who never makes an effort to speak in English around me. At least his mom is nicer...but it still doesn't feel like a home to me. And my boyfriend basically refuses to sleep at my house equally. Like, I stay here EVERY NIGHT. And he stays at my house like once every six months. I think it's unfair but I'd rather be with him so I do it. /rant.