I am currently crying as I type this.
And I know it is very childish of me to say, but... I feel like... like I'm lost and am back where I started almost...
Tonight was my last performance. And the last time I was at the Actor's Studio. And I have no idea what I will do now...
I was holding on to a glimmer of hope, thinking something might pan out, with asking out the guy I like. He happens to be one of my teachers at the course - well now no longer my teacher so... I asked him out. He said he was flattered but he is in a relationship. I think that is really why I am crying.
And it's dumb cause I never had anything with him. But I wanted something. And it was all I had left. Without that I'm back to where I started - my life is empty again.
And yes I know I could do so many things. Do courses or whatever. But right now it just seems overwhelming to have to research them and come up with something and I don't have the energy to try.
I fought so hard this year, and yes I made progress mentally... but I'm back to nowhere land with nothing in my life so what the hell is the point anyway?
I'm alone. Like always. They didn't want me back at the course - I'm not good enough. Like always. I hurt so bad... like always.
Yes, I know this is all so frelling childish of me. And I know what people will say - I've made progress this year, don't just dismiss it because I'm hurting. I got things out of this course, it doesn't matter if I can't continue. A guy isn't the be-all and end-all and the sum of a girl's happiness. That I should be proud of what I achieved, that it was brave of me to ask him out, that I should move on knowing my accomplishments and take those experiences with me into the multitude of other experiences that are sure to befall me soon... and various variations on those themes...
I know, I know, I know. And right now I don't give a rat's arse. I'm sorry but there it is. I hurt. Life sucks. I feel like I worked so hard and have nothing to show for it. That I gave my all only to be rejected both professionally and personally.
I hurt so bad. And I just want it to stop.
Published On: December 11, 2010