I'm crying. And I hurt so bad.

LyraStorm Community Member December 11, 2010
  • I am currently crying as I type this.

     

    And I know it is very childish of me to say, but... I feel like... like I'm lost and am back where I started almost...

     

    Tonight was my last performance. And the last time I was at the Actor's Studio. And I have no idea what I will do now...

     

    I was holding on to a glimmer of hope, thinking something might pan out, with asking out the guy I like. He happens to be one of my teachers at the course - well now no longer my teacher so... I asked him out. He said he was flattered but he is in a relationship. I think that is really why I am crying.

     

    And it's dumb cause I never had anything with him. But I wanted something. And it was all I had left. Without that I'm back to where I started - my life is empty again.

     

    And yes I know I could do so many things. Do courses or whatever. But right now it just seems overwhelming to have to research them and come up with something and I don't have the energy to try.

     

    I fought so hard this year, and yes I made progress mentally... but I'm back to nowhere land with nothing in my life so what the hell is the point anyway?

     

    I'm alone. Like always. They didn't want me back at the course - I'm not good enough. Like always. I hurt so bad... like always.

     

    Yes, I know this is all so frelling childish of me. And I know what people will say - I've made progress this year, don't just dismiss it because I'm hurting. I got things out of this course, it doesn't matter if I can't continue. A guy isn't the be-all and end-all and the sum of a girl's happiness. That I should be proud of what I achieved, that it was brave of me to ask him out, that I should move on knowing my accomplishments and take those experiences with me into the multitude of other experiences that are sure to befall me soon... and various variations on those themes...

     

    I know, I know, I know. And right now I don't give a rat's arse. I'm sorry but there it is. I hurt. Life sucks. I feel like I worked so hard and have nothing to show for it. That I gave my all only to be rejected both professionally and personally.

     

    I hurt so bad. And I just want it to stop.

3 Comments
  • Merely Me
    Health Guide
    Dec. 14, 2010

    You are prophetic...you knew what we might say.  I hope when you are feeling better that you will tell yourself these things.  But right now it hurts.  I know.

     

    This is a pivotal time right now for you...your life can go in many different directions.  As the pain diminishes...you will look upon all this from a different perspective. ...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    You are prophetic...you knew what we might say.  I hope when you are feeling better that you will tell yourself these things.  But right now it hurts.  I know.

     

    This is a pivotal time right now for you...your life can go in many different directions.  As the pain diminishes...you will look upon all this from a different perspective.  But not right now...because you have to feel the pain in order to get through.

     

    I am going to tell you one selfish thing.  I am glad the teacher did not agree to see you.  I was concerned about that all along...and I think it could have been a recipe for disaster...I have some experience which tells me...you just dodged a bullet.  He did you a favor believe me.  I know you don't see it that way right now but...maybe in time you will.  He didn't reject you Lyra...this just wasn't a good match.

     

    You will get through this.  Cry, scream, write...get it all out.  And then you begin again.  You will do this so many times in your life...you will lose count.  And each time...you will get a little stronger. 

     

    Let us know how you are doing.

  • Taylor
    Dec. 11, 2010

    Sometimes we all know what we should be thinking, feeling, doing etc but you know as well as I do that its easier said that done! Feelings are very real but it doesn't mean it's the fact or the truth. Sometimes I feel like a failure and though the feeling is very real, it doesn't mean I am. Deep down you probably know this too which is why you...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Sometimes we all know what we should be thinking, feeling, doing etc but you know as well as I do that its easier said that done! Feelings are very real but it doesn't mean it's the fact or the truth. Sometimes I feel like a failure and though the feeling is very real, it doesn't mean I am. Deep down you probably know this too which is why you can list all your accomplishments in your post. When we feel pain, it tends to overtake all other emotions or reasons within us. I am working through my own pain right now due to recent events in my life (I won't bore you with the details as this is about you right now, not me) and I have found a few ways of dealing with it day by day and would like to share this with you:

     

    1. Writing a journal from 2 different perspectives; one from all your raw emotions, i.e I hate my life etc etc...then once you have done this, wait for a few hours, go back and read through what you have written and answer it as you would if it were sent to you by a close friend...you'll be amazed how differently the 2 versions become.

     

    2. Find the one good quality about yourself and start selling it to...you! Like a salesperson, you can easily sell a product if you believe in it. If you can do this successfully, you will build/reinforce your self belief (do this in front of a mirror for added effectiveness.

     

    3. Grab some popcorn, all the snacks that you enjoy and watch a comedy and laugh your head off...enjoy your own company for a couple of hours. You are a fun to be with so if you can't enjoy you, how do you expect others to?

     

    4. If you really want a challenge, do some deep self analysing. Try and work out why you feel empty etc but do not attempt this from a mindset other than a learning one. You are trying to learn more about you...you are not doing this so you can beat yourself up or place blame etc..you are doing this so that you can gather more information and understanding in order to IMPROVE your daily outlook on life. If you wanted to retile the roof of your house, you would learn how before you start, right? So, this is no different, if you want to improve or modify certain aspects of you, you'll first need to learn all you can so that you will do so safely and successfully.

     

    I wish you all the best!

     

     

     

     

     

     

  •     sioux
    Dec. 11, 2010

    Dear Dear Lyra, I am feeling so bad for you right now. Rejection of any kind is sooo hurtful and then when you get a double whammy it's pretty overwhelming. I'm not going to tell you how good you Should feel about your other accomplishments that will come back in time. Crying is a good thing to a certain point, just don't let yourself get too mired in it. I...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    Dear Dear Lyra, I am feeling so bad for you right now. Rejection of any kind is sooo hurtful and then when you get a double whammy it's pretty overwhelming. I'm not going to tell you how good you Should feel about your other accomplishments that will come back in time. Crying is a good thing to a certain point, just don't let yourself get too mired in it. I wish you well and will say a prayer for you if you don't mind and hopefully maybe things will start to turn around for you soon. Sioux.